cheated on my husband and don't know how to deal with him now

[Katie]

I have been married since I was 17 (11 years) and essentially "grew up" with my husband. It was really, really hard in the beginning of marriage and then leveled out. He then turned mean and impatient and withdrew all the time into the computer. He would not even want to go for a walk on a nice summer day with myself and his daughter. It got to the point that I was so lonely, and felt like a single mom all on my own and depressed. Well then this guy at work asked me out for a drink and I thought it was harmless so I went. Then we went to eat a few times and talked about our problems and stuff (he is married too). Well we got hung up on the feelings and got a little too close. Husband found out and went balistic. I took whatever he dished out because I felt really bad for hurting him and tried to tell him what went wrong that allowed me to do this. Obviously I stopped seeing the other guy and thought that we were working to get over this and make our marriage better. It has been six months and he still dwells on it, brings it up all the time and says that neither me nor the other guy has been "punished" enough. He wants me to quit my job, which I really need and have been at for 10 years, and he also wants me to go tell the man's wife (with him, my husband, present.) The other man works seperately from me so I dont even see him and I told hubby that if he wants wife to know then he should just type up a letter and mail it to her. Things don't seem to be getting any better and my husband is being ruthless. I think that going thru hell the past six months. especially the first month, has been punishment enough. He should either forgive or leave me if he cannot right?

[Shirley]

I have been married since I was 17 (11 years) and essentially "grew up" with my husband. It was really, really hard in the beginning of marriage and then leveled out. He then turned mean and impatient and withdrew all the time into the computer. He would not even want to go for a walk on a nice summer day with myself and his daughter. It got to the point that I was so lonely, and felt like a single mom all on my own and depressed. Well then this guy at work asked me out for a drink and I thought it was harmless so I went. Then we went to eat a few times and talked about our problems and stuff (he is married too). Well we got hung up on the feelings and got a little too close. Husband found out and went balistic. I took whatever he dished out because I felt really bad for hurting him and tried to tell him what went wrong that allowed me to do this. Obviously I stopped seeing the other guy and thought that we were working to get over this and make our marriage better. It has been six months and he still dwells on it, brings it up all the time and says that neither me nor the other guy has been "punished" enough. He wants me to quit my job, which I really need and have been at for 10 years, and he also wants me to go tell the man's wife (with him, my husband, present.) The other man works seperately from me so I dont even see him and I told hubby that if he wants wife to know then he should just type up a letter and mail it to her. Things don't seem to be getting any better and my husband is being ruthless. I think that going thru hell the past six months. especially the first month, has been punishment enough. He should either forgive or leave me if he cannot right?

 

Hi!

 

The fact that he wants to "punish" you for what you've done, means he thinks of himself as your father, rather than your husband. This struggle only involves you and him. In order for things to get better, the two of you need to talk about feelings. The other guy and his wife have nothing to do with the problems you are having with your husband. You have been lonely for a very long time, and either you haven't been able to share that with him, or he refuses to listen to you. Marriage involves much more than sharing a household together. And from the way it sounds, this is what you've been doing for the past eleven years. Unless the two of you are able to open up with each other, the anger he has, and the guilt you have, will never go away.

[Libby]

All adultery aside, you need to go see a councilor. The anger and punishment you describe, as well as the feelings of being a single mother all indicate that your relationship with your husband has been in need of attention for a long time. Most employers (especially large companies) have councilors either on site or will cover the costs of off site counciling. There are also a number of counciling centers sponsored by state and local agencies. One of the things that you will have to face is that counciling is hard. You have to decide to make it work for you, and your husband does, too. A big reality of this situation is that you might have to end your relationship with your husband. If he is punishing you or ignoring you, then that is not a healthy relationship for you or your child. By ending the marriage, you might be able to develop a better friendship with your husband; one without the control and dependancy; one that will demonstrate to your child what a supporting relationship should be. I hope you are able to work with your husband and overcome the hurdles in your relarionship, and if not, then I sincerely hope you are able to come to terms with each other for the sake of your child. Good luck on this difficult road.

[Katie]

Thanks for the wise advice. Yes we are going to counseling. I guess it just takes time and there will be backslides with him as he tries to deal with things. It does seem on occasion that this event might have even made our relatonship better in the long run. I hope so. Thanks again.

All adultery aside, you need to go see a councilor. The anger and punishment you describe, as well as the feelings of being a single mother all indicate that your relationship with your husband has been in need of attention for a long time. Most employers (especially large companies) have councilors either on site or will cover the costs of off site counciling. There are also a number of counciling centers sponsored by state and local agencies. One of the things that you will have to face is that counciling is hard. You have to decide to make it work for you, and your husband does, too. A big reality of this situation is that you might have to end your relationship with your husband. If he is punishing you or ignoring you, then that is not a healthy relationship for you or your child. By ending the marriage, you might be able to develop a better friendship with your husband; one without the control and dependancy; one that will demonstrate to your child what a supporting relationship should be. I hope you are able to work with your husband and overcome the hurdles in your relarionship, and if not, then I sincerely hope you are able to come to terms with each other for the sake of your child. Good luck on this difficult road.

[Faraway Eyes]

Well, it sounds like hubby was having anger before this affair happened and probably didn't talk to you much. Now, he's handling his anger by using the affair to throw in your face. He's as much as responsible for the marriage's problems as you are for having an affair. This is what happens when two don't communicate. After a while, you seek someone else to talk to. It doesn't sound like the marriage was happy from earlier on before the affair happened. Do what's best for everyone in the situation. You have a daughter to consider. About telling the other woman, that's between her and her husband...

I have been married since I was 17 (11 years) and essentially "grew up" with my husband. It was really, really hard in the beginning of marriage and then leveled out. He then turned mean and impatient and withdrew all the time into the computer. He would not even want to go for a walk on a nice summer day with myself and his daughter. It got to the point that I was so lonely, and felt like a single mom all on my own and depressed. Well then this guy at work asked me out for a drink and I thought it was harmless so I went. Then we went to eat a few times and talked about our problems and stuff (he is married too). Well we got hung up on the feelings and got a little too close. Husband found out and went balistic. I took whatever he dished out because I felt really bad for hurting him and tried to tell him what went wrong that allowed me to do this. Obviously I stopped seeing the other guy and thought that we were working to get over this and make our marriage better. It has been six months and he still dwells on it, brings it up all the time and says that neither me nor the other guy has been "punished" enough. He wants me to quit my job, which I really need and have been at for 10 years, and he also wants me to go tell the man's wife (with him, my husband, present.) The other man works seperately from me so I dont even see him and I told hubby that if he wants wife to know then he should just type up a letter and mail it to her. Things don't seem to be getting any better and my husband is being ruthless. I think that going thru hell the past six months. especially the first month, has been punishment enough. He should either forgive or leave me if he cannot right?