SHould I go with my gut

[littletoes]

HI ladies and gents! my friends suggested this site for issues of the heart. I really need another opinion from a strangers point of view. MY bf of 2.5 years is acting little strange. He goes out with this co worker of his which is a male hopefully. Whenever I call him and hes out with him he never answers his phone and thats a red flag right there right. Now lets get to good stuff. He goes away for a business trip with this dude from work and he gives me reason to believe of his cheating heart because when ever I call he never answers, He said he would call during the week he called onence and the rest of the days he kepted giving me cell excuses. I believe him. Now let me say what if u see a hair on him and then u dont say anything them he makes a suggestion and turns around and says that its mine while that hair was light and my HAIR IS DARK IN COLOR. hE THEN GIVES ME ATTITUDE AND ASKS WHAT mY ISSUE IS. i KNOW HIS MOMS HAIR IS LGHT HE SAID IT COULD BE HIS MOMS OR IS THIS THE GULITYNESS OF HIM TRYING TO LET ME KNOW THAT THERE IS ANOTHER WOMEN INVOLVED. iM REALLY CONFUSED. i LOVE THIS GUY AND i REALLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM. i lOVE HIM im JUST NOT SURE WHAT TO DO PLEASE HELP ******* pLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THE HAIR SITUATION WAS WHEN HE GOT BACK FROM HIS TRIP***************

 

pLEASE HELP

[Elyssa]

Your gut is telling you clearly that something is going on and you should listen.

 

Explain these facts to your boyfriend calmly and don't let him take an attitude or try to tell you you're "crazy" or "imagining things". Cheaters will do that to protect themselves.

 

Ask about this coworker and suggest you'd like to meet him or her. Watch how they interact, that will be your biggest clue. Take notice of the hair color!

 

Let us know how things go.

 

-E

Edited March 9, 2008 by Elyssa

[TMichaels]

I'm a little confused by your post. Are you and your b/f in a long-distance relationship or does he live locally?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[littletoes]

I'm a little confused by your post. Are you and your b/f in a long-distance relationship or does he live locally?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Well he lives about an hour away from me. We have been together for about 2.5 years.

[TMichaels]

Well he lives about an hour away from me. We have been together for about 2.5 years.

 

How often do you see him? Who initiates contact either in person, by phone, text, e-mail, etc?

 

How old are both of you?

 

Why are you an hour away from each other?

 

What sort of understanding do the two of you have about the terms of your relationship? Exclusive? Casual?

 

What are your (the two of you) long-term plans for the relationship? Have the two of you talked about that? How recently?

 

Has he always been bad at following through on promises or not answering phone calls, or is this a recent development?

 

You said in another thread that after you complained, he told you he wasn't going to go away on business trips any more. How can he arbitrarily decide to do that? Is he self-employed? What sort of busines is he in?

 

When is the last time you saw him in person? Did he come to see you or did you go to see him?

 

Sorry for all the questions, but it's difficult to respond not knowing more about your relationship.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[ellie01]

I think you should trust your instincts and discuss it with him but make sure you approach it in a nice way so he doesn't feel like he's being interrogated. I would try to say that you feel a little neglected when he's away on his business trips and ask him to make more effort when he goes away and see how it goes next time. If it doesn't change then maybe you need to try a harder line but go easy to start so he doesn't get defensive straight away. Probably a good idea to check who this co-worker is too!

[littletoes]

I still have not mustterd up the courage or take the bull the the Bleeping horns to tackle this is.....

 

I feel really sick to my stomach. Maybe I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm just a tad bit scared

 

I have some other bad news I just found out that he's been online chatting with other women behind my back. Hes been asking them out on dates etc. I really am so angry at myself. I dont know what to do. Now I'm really thinking hes cheating.

 

Please help

[Lookingforward]

How often do you see him? Who initiates contact either in person, by phone, text, e-mail, etc?

 

How old are both of you?

 

Why are you an hour away from each other?

 

What sort of understanding do the two of you have about the terms of your relationship? Exclusive? Casual?

 

What are your (the two of you) long-term plans for the relationship? Have the two of you talked about that? How recently?

 

Has he always been bad at following through on promises or not answering phone calls, or is this a recent development?

 

You said in another thread that after you complained, he told you he wasn't going to go away on business trips any more. How can he arbitrarily decide to do that? Is he self-employed? What sort of busines is he in?

 

When is the last time you saw him in person? Did he come to see you or did you go to see him?

 

Sorry for all the questions, but it's difficult to respond not knowing more about your relationship.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

 

All good questions TM, which would help define our answers, advice.

[littletoes]

Originally Posted by TMichaels

How often do you see him? Who initiates contact either in person, by phone, text, e-mail, etc?

 

A: We see eachother whenever we can, 3 times a week etc. the contact phone

 

 

How old are both of you? A in our 30's

 

Why are you an hour away from each other? A we dont live together

 

What sort of understanding do the two of you have about the terms of your relationship? Exclusive? Casual?

 

Exclusive

 

What are your (the two of you) long-term plans for the relationship? Have the two of you talked about that? How recently?

 

We plan on getting married . last week we spoke about it

Has he always been bad at following through on promises or not answering phone calls, or is this a recent development? This has been a recent development

 

 

 

When is the last time you saw him in person? Did he come to see you or did you go to see him? He came to see me

 

Sorry for all the questions, but it's difficult to respond not knowing more about your relationship.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

I still have not mustterd up the courage or take the bull the the Bleeping horns to tackle this is.....

 

I feel really sick to my stomach. Maybe I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm just a tad bit scared

 

I have some other bad news I just found out that he's been online chatting with other women behind my back. Hes been asking them out on dates etc. I really am so angry at myself. I dont know what to do. Now I'm really thinking hes cheating.

 

Please help

 

littletoes,

 

My guess is that you are scared to tackle the issue because you are afraid of the answer you might get. Fair enough. But, why are you angry with yourself? For being so stupid as to have fallen for and believed in this guy?

 

You won't be the first one in your position, nor unfortunately the last. But, before jumping to any conclusions, how do you know that he's been chatting with other women and asking them out on dates? Have you asked him?

 

You say that you were just chatting about a future/marriage with each other last week. In what context? Was this a serious discussion or an off-handed comment? Did the conversation take place face-to-face?

 

What have things been like between the two of you since you raised the issue of the light-colored hair on his clothing? Has you b/f called or visited? If so, how did he act/what did he say?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[littletoes]

A: Yes I'm scared of this situation. I'm angry because I trusted this person. He keeps telling me that he loves me and that he will marry me.

 

I've heard the proof thats all I need. he has been chatting to an old friend of mine that was on the same dating site has himself.

 

The conversation took place face to face

 

 

He has called me and visited after he presented me with a hair that he claimed was mine.

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

A: Yes I'm scared of this situation. I'm angry because I trusted this person. He keeps telling me that he loves me and that he will marry me.

 

I've heard the proof thats all I need. he has been chatting to an old friend of mine that was on the same dating site has himself.

 

 

The conversation took place face to face

 

He has called me and visited after he presented me with a hair that he claimed was mine.

 

Never settle for less than you deserve, littletoes. And, to answer your original question? Yes.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[littletoes]

HI Tm Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. The only proof I have is her word. She has no physical evidence anymore

[babycheeks]

okay just stop listening to everyone else is gonna drive you nuts.. and communicate and talk to him.. if u cant talk to him now then you have no idea how to make a mature relationship work so i wonder how old you are and what is your maturity level here. So no more wondering take action find out and you will know and you can either move on or work it out, just stop assuming.. ur thinking to hard!!! its TROUBLE! warning red flag for u.

[littletoes]

HI Baby cheeks,

 

Thanks for getting back to me. I apreciate your straightforwardness in reagarding this little obstacal.

 

Well I've been brewing in this smelly stew for a week now and I've come to a decision. I have many opprotunities to speak to him over the phione about these issues. I'm going to speak to him face to face about these things in a non accusatory way and see what he says if I don't like what he says then I'm going to consider breaking off the realationship because I dont need a man talking to other women behind my back asking them on dates.

[littletoes]

Hey everyone. Well hes back on a business trip again this time for a night. Hecalled me in the afternoon to say hello and that hes going to be sleeping pver at at a hotel so he can be close by where he has to work. Well hes up to the same tricks again. I tried calling him 3 times last nite no answer and I called him 3 times this morning only to here the Answering machine I also emailed him. No Call and no reply and I'm hurting

[TMichaels]

Littletoes says: "Hey everyone. Well hes back on a business trip again this time for a night. He called me in the afternoon to say hello and that hes going to be sleeping pver at at a hotel so he can be close by where he has to work. Well hes up to the same tricks again. I tried calling him 3 times last nite no answer and I called him 3 times this morning only to here the Answering machine I also emailed him. No Call and no reply and I'm hurting"

 

Well I've been brewing in this smelly stew for a week now and I've come to a decision. I have many opprotunities to speak to him over the phione about these issues. I'm going to speak to him face to face about these things in a non accusatory way and see what he says if I don't like what he says then I'm going to consider breaking off the realationship because I dont need a man talking to other women behind my back asking them on dates.

 

It's been nearly three weeks since you supposedly came to the above conclusion. Did you have the conversation you intended? If so, what did he say that allayed your fears?

 

If not, should you really be surprised? What is it going to take to get you to realize the two of you have different ideas about a relationship should be?

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited April 6, 2008 by TMichaels

[littletoes]

Littletoes says: "Hey everyone. Well hes back on a business trip again this time for a night. He called me in the afternoon to say hello and that hes going to be sleeping pver at at a hotel so he can be close by where he has to work. Well hes up to the same tricks again. I tried calling him 3 times last nite no answer and I called him 3 times this morning only to here the Answering machine I also emailed him. No Call and no reply and I'm hurting"

 

 

 

It's been nearly three weeks since you supposedly came to the above conclusion. Did you have the conversation you intended? If so, what did he say that allayed your fears?

 

If not, should you really be surprised? What is it going to take to get you to realize the two of you have different ideas about a relationship should be?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

I have posted what hapend in our conversation in my last post we did clear some things up and he said that within a year if everything is ok betewwen us e will get married then I caught the bastard in a lie then he teels me that hes not lying to me. He is not answering my telephne calls again which is bugging me and starting to scare me off.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

Every time I've listened to my gutt feeling: I WAS RIGHT

Every time I HAVEN'T listened to my gutt feeling, I found out I would have been right, had I listened to it to begin with!! And that's the most frustrating thing EVER. Ugh!!!:mad:

 

Intuition is something God gave us women and we need to use it more often, intead of being wrapped up by men's SUAVE talk and behavior.

 

Excuses to me only sound like a way to "buy time" with you. He doesn't want to lose the best of both worlds so he buys himself time here and there to keep it going.

 

While I completely understand your dilemma and your hesitation in this matter, you've got yourself in a pickle by continuing to torture yourself with "what ifs".

 

You have asked him the questions you need answers to. He has responded to them. BUT you are still getting the same gutt feelings because his behavior tells you otherwise. Do you remember that old saying "Actions speak louder than words"??????

 

Listen to your intution. Honestly, 95% of the time you are right!!!

[TMichaels]

I have posted what hapend in our conversation in my last post we did clear some things up and he said that within a year if everything is ok betewwen us e will get married then I caught the bastard in a lie then he teels me that hes not lying to me.

 

No, your last post which was on March 13th said that you were GOING to talk to him. Your most recent post is lamenting he's up to his old tricks again, and says absolutely nothing about you having had that conversation where you were going to lay it on the line.

 

He is not answering my telephne calls again which is bugging me and starting to scare me off.

 

His behavior is "starting to scare you off?" What's it going to take?

 

You say the guy lies to you, avoids contact, chats up other girls, and spends an inordinate amount of time with work colleagues that you think are a cover for an affair.

 

And, you want to marry this man?

 

Before you have any more conversations *with him,* you need to have one with yourself.

 

Namely, why are you so desperate that you'd settle for a relationship with someone who makes you feel this way?

 

I don't know how old you are, as you have avoided answering that question in previous posts, but my guess is that you're not "an Old Maid." You have your whole life to live and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

So, instead of spending every waking moment trying to catch this guy cheating on you, why not spend the same time figuring out who you are, what you want out of life, and why you seem to be happiest being miserable?

 

Get those issues sorted first, and I guarantee you won't have to worry about spending even five more minutes of your life with another who isn't worthy of you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[amerikajin]

HI ladies and gents! my friends suggested this site for issues of the heart. I really need another opinion from a strangers point of view. MY bf of 2.5 years is acting little strange. He goes out with this co worker of his which is a male hopefully. Whenever I call him and hes out with him he never answers his phone and thats a red flag right there right. Now lets get to good stuff. He goes away for a business trip with this dude from work and he gives me reason to believe of his cheating heart because when ever I call he never answers, He said he would call during the week he called onence and the rest of the days he kepted giving me cell excuses. I believe him. Now let me say what if u see a hair on him and then u dont say anything them he makes a suggestion and turns around and says that its mine while that hair was light and my HAIR IS DARK IN COLOR. hE THEN GIVES ME ATTITUDE AND ASKS WHAT mY ISSUE IS. i KNOW HIS MOMS HAIR IS LGHT HE SAID IT COULD BE HIS MOMS OR IS THIS THE GULITYNESS OF HIM TRYING TO LET ME KNOW THAT THERE IS ANOTHER WOMEN INVOLVED. iM REALLY CONFUSED. i LOVE THIS GUY AND i REALLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM. i lOVE HIM im JUST NOT SURE WHAT TO DO PLEASE HELP ******* pLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THE HAIR SITUATION WAS WHEN HE GOT BACK FROM HIS TRIP***************

 

pLEASE HELP

 

Finding a hair on him or even in his house does not mean he's necessarily having an affair. You can pick up a strand of hair from random places. For example, you sit down on a chair with a hair on it, said strand of hair gets stuck on your coat, and it rides around with you the rest of the day.

 

My guess is, your gut is probably telling you that something about the relationship has *changed* in recent days (weeks) and you want to know why. Talk it over with him, but I would advise that you take some time to pause and reflect thoughtfully on what you want to say, and what you want the outcome to be. LDR's are difficult. I've been seeing someone in an extreme LDR (as in distance) and sometimes it's really hard to connect and stay connected to someone emotionally.

 

The important most thing, I think, is to be realistic: understand that the odds are not necessarily *against* you in an LDR, but that it is a lot of extra work. Without the face time, you don't get to establish that intimacy which is vital to making a relationship grow. You both have to accept that.

 

And once you do, you both have to have an agreement about how you deal with it: do you stay completely exclusive and committed for the long-haul (emotionally challenging), or do you agree to keep seeing each other with the understanding that things can change over time (emotionally risky).