seamaid Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 My boyfriend has told me that I have anger-management problems and that because of this, we have to break up. I have lashed out physically once or twice at him, and have said things that were irrational and hurtful to him out of my own hurt and anger (sometimes the unwarranted result of my negative thinking and fears). He says he can't take it anymore, although it doesn't happen that frequently. I tend to keep issues (like chore-sharing, spending more time together, jealousy) bottled up until I just can't keep mum about it anymore, and then the way I bring it up is often bitchy, naggy, and mean. My tendency is to guilt-trip him into doing something that I want. It never works. Makes him angry at me, and I feel hurt. Turns into a bad fight. He has said that I need to give him the benefit of the doubt, instead of jumping to conclusions about what kind of person he is or what he'll do. I love him very much and I want to keep this relationship more than anything. He is a wonderful boyfriend in most every way. I have trouble communicating what I want in a nice way, because usually by the time I bring it up, I've gone through in my head everything I don't like about the relationship. Stupid little things which I twist into something horrible against him, like he's just using me, or he takes me for granted, or I'm not given enough attention/love, or he prefers someone better. A friend has advised to be more aware of when a resentment / annoyance pops up and either step back and write it down, and not dwell on it until you can be more rational, or bring it up as nicely and gently as possible before it festers into a personal attack. I would much appreciate any other suggestions... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Would you smack me if I suggested counseling? I'm the nag in our family and MC has helped me a bunch. Even my wife has noticed Link to post Share on other sites
Author seamaid Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 You again, Carhill! Um, what if my boyfriend hates all authority figures and thinks his opinion is the only thing that matters? LOL No, actually, the friend who advised me has been going to a couples' therapist with her husband and her great suggestions were actually from that therapist. So, I'm thinking about it. I can hardly see us there though. And is it expensive?? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Our psych bills 165.00 per session but insurance limits his fee to 99.00. Since our deductible is high (5K), we pay the whole amount. A good practitioner is worth every nickel IMO. Between him, reading Dr. Aarons books on sensitive personalities and my reading here, it's like a quantum change in perspective. I hardly even get mad anymore. I just tell my wife what I want from her and add the issue to my little "stay or leave" list. After nearly 50 years and being beat up emotionally by women for decades, I finally see the light Incredibly freeing feeling... I can identify with what you're going through. All you can do is change yourself and your perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author seamaid Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 I hardly even get mad anymore. Wow, I would LOVE to not get mad anymore. I've been progressing on some things that have been issues before, like politics. He's right-wing and I'm more liberal. I used to get so personally hurt by the things he said against liberals, and would get really defensive. But I've opened my mind up more and can even see his points now. Or if I think he's being too harsh or over-generalizing, I just shrug it off and not take it personally. You know, that's just the way he is kind of thing. I just tell my wife what I want from her and add the issue to my little "stay or leave" list. What kind of list is this? Do tell! Is it stuck on the refrigerator or something? Link to post Share on other sites
blackbird Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I have similar issues (bottling things up, negative thinking, lashing out emotionally) that I'm working on as well. When I get in such states, my fiance has asked me to try to remember, in the heat of the moment, that I love him and he loves me and that he is not my enemy. I will literally forget this when I'm in such states; my loving side seems to shut down, and I get cold and angry, sometimes downright vicious. It's rather strange when you really pay attention to it. He also says the same thing your bf does about giving the benefit of the doubt. I have a tendency to assume the worst -- that he did this because he wasn't thinking of me, or didn't do that because he doesn't care about me, et cetera. Instead of, say, because he was stressed with work, or that he didn't realize that was important to me, et cetera. This is, at the root, selfish thinking -- it's about me, me, me. (It could also be viewed as insecure thinking, but at least for me, I don't think it is... I'm secure in myself, I just don't have a lot of faith in other people.) Give him a break; he's a human being with an entire world and all its various stresses to deal with too, not just you. If something he does bothers you, though, talk to him, but see if you can do it without already having condemned his motivations for doing it, and while being willing to hear his perspective out. Get out of your internal negative mental loop. My fiance often says, "Quit having conversations with yourself in your head and talk to ME." It's an ongoing battle. One thing that helps overall is making sure to have an ongoing open dialogue. And vocalize, to him and also to yourself, how you want to change and why. Let him know that you recognize what you are doing as a problem and that you want to change things. Talk to him about it. My fiance and I will monitor each other in conversations: we look for early warning signals like sarcasm or (especially) changes in pitch or tone of voice, and let each other know that's happening. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 What kind of list is this? Do tell! Is it stuck on the refrigerator or something? It's a mental list I keep to help me determine whether the marriage is salvageable or not. We're not in MC because we have lots of free time Seriously, getting angry at my wife isn't going to change her; she has to change her behaviors because she wants to. If she doesn't, and the behaviors remain unacceptable, it becomes the basis for irreconcilable differences. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 I have trouble communicating what I want in a nice way, because usually by the time I bring it up, I've gone through in my head everything I don't like about the relationship. Stupid little things which I twist into something horrible against him, like he's just using me, or he takes me for granted, or I'm not given enough attention/love, or he prefers someone better. I think it's good that you realize you're doing this as it can be incredibly damaging to a relationship - witness the fact that your BF wants to break up with you. My exW used to do this also, I called it "dropping the bomb". We'd be argueing about whose turn it was to do the dishes and she's say the most personal, hurtful thing she could think of. It makes it nearly impossible to work through any conflict because every fight suddenly turns into an indictment of your entire relationship. It justs wears the other person down. You also kind of glossed over the fact that you "lashed out physically once or twice at him". What does that exactly mean? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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