Cold Feet At The Thought of Marriage-Normal?

[obug]

Recently my boyfriend of 5 years proposed to me, and I flipped out. We have been dating since freshman yr of college and our relationship has been solid- we've never broken up and we're the best of friends. We have been doing a long distance relationship since after graduation (we live in different countries now because I am not a U.S citizen) for a yr and a half but I plan to move back to the U.S for graduate school in his city. When he visited me a few months ago he proposed and I did not react very sensitively, i sputtered that we are too young and hurt his feelings. We talked it through and I told him that it's not that I never want to marry him, it's just that I'm not ready now. Inspite of his hurt feelings, he understood and we moved past that awful confrontation. The thing is I'm afraid that I will never be able to get married. The thought of getting married with all my family and friends around makes me anxious and claustrophobic (and my family and friends are extremely loving and supportive so it shouldn't be a problem). And I love my boyfriend so much, like i said earlier I can talk to him about almost anything, he loves me so much, he is mature, interested in the same things I am, ambitious, fun (everyone likes him) and considerate. He is basically the perfect boyfriend, and a girl would be a fool not to feel lucky to be with him. The only thing is is that I am not as attracted to him as I was when we first started dating. Our sex life (for me at least) hasn't been as great. I just feel like watching movies and cuddling with him rather than having sex, but he doesn't feel that way. He is as attracted to me as he ever was so it makes me feel really guilty. And it's not even that he's not attractive, he works out and he's definitely pleasant to look at. I just feel terribly guilty thinking this way and I'm scared to enter a marriage when the passion/attraction at least on my side has dwindled. Am I being crazy? I mean passion fizzles in most relationships but he's got everything else going for him and most of all he loves me and would do anything to please me. I've even talked to him about the sex not being so great for me anymore, and although that hurt him, he said he'd try harder to please me in bed. I feel like such a horrible person. I do think that worrying alot about our relationship has ruined sex for me- i get rigid and can't enjoy myself in bed.

Also I haven't been with too many people before my boyfriend-- i've dated a couple of guys, had 1 long term relationship before this one, but my current bf is the first guy i've ever slept with. I sometimes feel like I missed out on the whole dating game, and wish I had met him at a later age. My bf reminds me of Aiden from sex and the city- really solid/perfect guy to settle down with. Even when I watched the show, I thought Carrie was crazy not to go the distance with Aiden, but here I am in the same situation having nightmares about dying of claustrophobia in my wedding dress. Sigh. I need help.

 

P.S My parents have been happily married for almost 40 yrs now, so I can't even attribute this paranoia to a broken home.

[Ronni_W]

Obug, how do you generally respond to being the centre of attention? I have heard where people who are shy and self-conscious in front of large groups (even if they are all supportive) choose to have just a small and intimate celebration. It alleviates all the stress and pressure of being "on show" all day long

 

I'm unclear if your sex-life has deteriorated only since the proposal? If so, and the thought of a BIG wedding does make you 'green' , then it might be your subconscious trying to help you out by creating this "problem" over here, so you don't have to look at the real issue over there, type of thing.

 

Regardless, it's not just about him "trying harder to please" you in bed -- it is MORE about you getting into your head to figure out what's going on in there, and working together to create a mutually enjoyable and satisfying sex life.

 

The thing is, whatever you're feeling is fine -- the question is, what will you do about the stuff that doesn't feel the way you want to feel?

 

PS: If you separate your paragraphs it makes it easier to read, so people are enticed to read and offer help when they can.