We're getting divorced

[Uchiha Sasuke]

No matter what happens, you can't blame another person for the things that YOU did.

 

luvenoluveno is absolutely right in his assessment of your situation. He might have been a control freak ahole; but who put up with it? You cheated and you're trying to make him responsible by saying your "needs weren't met".

 

Here's an idea! Maybe you could take some...a bit..or maybe ALL of the blame for YOUR OWN ACTIONS.

 

You could have gotten out of a situation you didn't want to be in a looong time ago. Don't blame your husband because you were being a coward.

[Ladyjane14]

I made an appointment to see an attorney next week for a free consultation. I just want to know what my rights are. I have no idea if I will be able to hire her or not, since I have no money in my name. Everything is in H's name. If she can't help me, then I will contact legal aid.

 

Good. Try not to worry about it in the meantime. You know, Gunny has a good point... you practically have to be an ax-murderer in the U.S. to lose custody. I think a family court judge might be sympathetic to how domineering your husband has been.

 

Also... check out some of Gunny's earlier posts for ways to manage your budget. He's got quite a few references. Start laying out a budget plan so you know what you need. Get out and look at some apartments so you know what you can afford. And don't just do the 'want ads' for jobs. Think about the kind of job you want to do and places where you'd like to work... then go 'press the flesh'; introduce yourself, drop off a resume, find out who the hiring managers are, shake some hands.

 

If you're going to church, talk to your pastor about getting some help with daycare. And if you're not going to church, but you're of a religious bent... join one. Start putting together a support system of friends and family who can help you out a bit here and there.

 

From what you've posted here... your husband is a bully. So, he's going to "bully" you and try to scare you. Joke's on him though, 'cause if he makes it too hard, you can always lay your ears back and refuse to leave. Then, it'll be HIM trying to figure out how he can get you out of there and get a divorce.

 

All that said, Daisy. Be careful. It's infinitely better to try to work through the details of separation and divorce peacefully. Get down to the library and get some books on co-parenting after divorce so you can lay out a reasonable parenting plan. Seeing that you have your child's best interest at heart and that you don't intend to cut him out of your son's life, might go a long way toward taking some of the wind out of his sails. But put the kibosh on any plan for him taking your baby out of the country and make sure you take that subject up with the attorney.

Edited March 27, 2008 by Ladyjane14

[daisygirl]

I know you've mentioned that he has many different traits that you found undesirable, like his distant nature and his controlling nature, but that still doesn't justify cheating and lying.

 

I never once tried to justify my cheating. I have always taken full responsibility for it.

 

What you should have done was confront him about it and try to get him to change.

 

I did confront him about it, many times. Again, not justfying the cheating, but he would always blow up and get angry when I would confront him, so I always ended up backing down. I am not saying my actions were right - I should have stood up for myself more, but I'm just telling you what happened.

 

 

 

What I find most disconcerting is the multitude of posters who condone and even congratulate your cheating on him. This is reprehensible! They promote that lying to people is okay if they're not giving you what you want! Sickening!

 

I never saw anyone congratulate me....can you show me an example???

 

You made a bold-faced pre-meditated attempt to cheat and your biggest regret was ending the affair?

 

Hmmm...I did have an EA, but I can in fact say it was not pre-meditated. Still wrong to have an EA, of course. Seriously, can you show me a quote saying that my biggest regret was ending the affair???? I have said quite the opposite....

 

I totally regret the EA.

 

The EA definitely made things worse- so I am so glad I ended it!

 

I know the EA was horrible, but I can't go back and make it go away, I wish I could.

 

And those are only a few that I found right away. I never said I regretting ENDING it. I am SO glad that I ended it.

 

 

While I think you raise some valid points....yes, I should have done something about the marriage before cheating, etc....I still think you are misreading my posts.

[daisygirl]

In the 10% of the cases where they do fight for custody? They get custody 90% of the time

 

 

So, since my H is planning to fight for custody, he has a 90% chance of winning??

[daisygirl]

 

Well then by his own admission I guess he shouldn't have custody. But I just find it hard to swallow that most women don't think the father should have custody. My case in point, I can take care of my kids a helluva lot better than my X, but because she is a woman, there was no way I was gonna win custody. My lawyer even told me, "unless you can prove beyond a doubt that she is unfit, you will lose by default"

 

Of course I would want to do what is best for our son, and if that meant my H having custody, I would feel differently, I suppose. But my H wouldn't know what to do....you have to understand his culture. It's not necessarily his "fault", but he has never taken an active role in raising our son. That's "the woman's job". He doesn't know what doctor he goes to, never prepared a meal for him, never given him a bath, never taken care of him when he was sick....these are all things I have done alone. And I think I'd be best at continuing them after we get divorced. I still want them to have as close of a relationship as possible. I realize how important that is, and I would never take that away. They may even spend more time together if it's "scheduled".

[daisygirl]

No matter what happens, you can't blame another person for the things that YOU did.

 

luvenoluveno is absolutely right in his assessment of your situation. He might have been a control freak ahole; but who put up with it? You cheated and you're trying to make him responsible by saying your "needs weren't met".

 

Here's an idea! Maybe you could take some...a bit..or maybe ALL of the blame for YOUR OWN ACTIONS.

 

You could have gotten out of a situation you didn't want to be in a looong time ago. Don't blame your husband because you were being a coward.

 

Again, I will say, that I NEVER blamed my H for my EA. If that's how I came across, I certainly never intended that.

 

Yes, I put up with his controlling ways and that was my fault as well. That's one reason I am in IC right now, so I can become a stronger person.

 

Let me say this: I take TOTAL and COMPLETE blame for the EA. No question. BUT, I do NOT take total blame for our marriage failing. That took both of us. I tried to talk to him may times before about how I felt, and suggested MC, and he still always blamed me. After getting blamed and put down for so long, you start to believe that it is all your fault.

[daisygirl]

Good. Try not to worry about it in the meantime. You know, Gunny has a good point... you practically have to be an ax-murderer in the U.S. to lose custody. I think a family court judge might be sympathetic to how domineering your husband has been.

 

Also... check out some of Gunny's earlier posts for ways to manage your budget. He's got quite a few references. Start laying out a budget plan so you know what you need. Get out and look at some apartments so you know what you can afford. And don't just do the 'want ads' for jobs. Think about the kind of job you want to do and places where you'd like to work... then go 'press the flesh'; introduce yourself, drop off a resume, find out who the hiring managers are, shake some hands.

 

If you're going to church, talk to your pastor about getting some help with daycare. And if you're not going to church, but you're of a religious bent... join one. Start putting together a support system of friends and family who can help you out a bit here and there.

 

From what you've posted here... your husband is a bully. So, he's going to "bully" you and try to scare you. Joke's on him though, 'cause if he makes it too hard, you can always lay your ears back and refuse to leave. Then, it'll be HIM trying to figure out how he can get you out of there and get a divorce.

 

All that said, Daisy. Be careful. It's infinitely better to try to work through the details of separation and divorce peacefully. Get down to the library and get some books on co-parenting after divorce so you can lay out a reasonable parenting plan. Seeing that you have your child's best interest at heart and that you don't intend to cut him out of your son's life, might go a long way toward taking some of the wind out of his sails. But put the kibosh on any plan for him taking your baby out of the country and make sure you take that subject up with the attorney.

 

Thank you, Ladyjane... I appreciate your support. I'll keep you updated as to what happens next....

[luvenoluveno]

Hi Daisygirl,

 

I have read your previous thread on having the affair, and from what I gathered, you missed the affair once you ended it. This seemed to be the biggest thing on your mind concerning the affair, not the fact that it may have potentially destroyed your marriage and any chance of you landing money and child custody.

 

It seems that it is only now, in the wake of a divorce and your husband finding out, that you regret the affair. Had you been able to keep it a secret, the biggest regret you would've had would be ending the affair.

 

 

Concerning the other posters, many, mostly women, point fingers and accuse your husband of being a bully and deserving of you cheating on him because he was not meeting your "needs". They are also giving you advice on how to clean up in court, although you are totally in the wrong and deserve no special treatment legally or otherwise.

 

Though you have described your marriage as being difficult, and one that was entered foolishly and without foresight, there were other ways to fix or dismantle it. Failing your husbands reluctance to repair the marriage, you could have easily divorced and cleaned up $$$! The legal system is totally biased against men!

 

However, you went and got banged by some guy you met from the internet without thinking about the repercussions. You knew full well upon meeting him in person that you would have sex with him. All sex is a pre-meditated decision, unless its rape.

 

Now instead of utilizing the court system that is unfairly biased towards women to your full potential, there is a great possibility that, given your discovered infidelity and your dismal monetary situation and credit rating, you'll end up with zero alimony and zero custody.

 

Your dishonorable conduct will culminate in nothing but a loss of financial stability, and the loss of respect of your son, who will resent his lying, harlot mother for the rest of his life.

 

Let this be a lesson to you.

[daisygirl]

Hi Daisygirl,

 

I have read your previous thread on having the affair, and from what I gathered, you missed the affair once you ended it. This seemed to be the biggest thing on your mind concerning the affair, not the fact that it may have potentially destroyed your marriage and any chance of you landing money and child custody.

 

It seems that it is only now, in the wake of a divorce and your husband finding out, that you regret the affair. Had you been able to keep it a secret, the biggest regret you would've had would be ending the affair.

 

 

Concerning the other posters, many, mostly women, point fingers and accuse your husband of being a bully and deserving of you cheating on him because he was not meeting your "needs". They are also giving you advice on how to clean up in court, although you are totally in the wrong and deserve no special treatment legally or otherwise.

 

Though you have described your marriage as being difficult, and one that was entered foolishly and without foresight, there were other ways to fix or dismantle it. Failing your husbands reluctance to repair the marriage, you could have easily divorced and cleaned up $$$! The legal system is totally biased against men!

 

However, you went and got banged by some guy you met from the internet without thinking about the repercussions. You knew full well upon meeting him in person that you would have sex with him. All sex is a pre-meditated decision, unless its rape.

 

Now instead of utilizing the court system that is unfairly biased towards women to your full potential, there is a great possibility that, given your discovered infidelity and your dismal monetary situation and credit rating, you'll end up with zero alimony and zero custody.

 

Your dishonorable conduct will culminate in nothing but a loss of financial stability, and the loss of respect of your son, who will resent his lying, harlot mother for the rest of his life.

 

Let this be a lesson to you.

 

Ok, I don't think we'll ever understand each other....

 

Yes, I missed the EA at first. It's F***** up, I know. But that's the way EAs work. After about 2 days of ending it, I realized that I was stupid to get involved in it, and I regretted it. Actually, even before I ended, I knew it was wrong....why else would I have ended it?

 

My marriage was falling apart LONG before the EA....that didn't destroy it.

 

And BTW, the other man never "banged" me. It was only an emotional affair, over the phone, we never even met. Does that make me a harlot?? Where did you understand what we had met and had sex??? I never PHYSICALLY cheated on my H....yet I still regret emotionally cheating...it's wrong either way.

Edited March 27, 2008 by daisygirl

[luvenoluveno]

Ok, I don't think we'll ever understand each other....

 

Yes, I missed the EA at first. It's F***** up, I know. But that's the way EAs work. After about 2 days of ending it, I realized that I was stupid to get involved in it, and I regretted it. Actually, even before I ended, I knew it was wrong....why else would I have ended it?

 

My marriage was falling apart LONG before the EA....that didn't destroy it.

 

And BTW, the other man never "banged" me. It was only an emotional affair, over the phone, we never even met. Does that make me a harlot?? Where did you understand what we had met and had sex??? I never PHYSICALLY cheated on my H....

 

That actually changes everything. Although, keep in mind that if you were discussing sex with your EA and proof is found of this, that it will be used against you.

 

Sounds like you need to get a divorce nonetheless. I'd consult a lawyer as to what your best course of action is.

 

It was not physical and thus should not be called an extramarital affair. An affair requires that sex occurs. The fact that you never even met this man makes it impossible to call this an affair.

 

I suggest you stop referring to it as such. It was just conversation.

[MakeLemonade]

Hi Daisygirl,

 

However, you went and got banged by some guy you met from the internet without thinking about the repercussions. You knew full well upon meeting him in person that you would have sex with him. All sex is a pre-meditated decision, unless its rape.

 

 

I know you are new around here so perhaps you are unaware of the lingo - EA is emotional affair - there was no "banging" as you so eloquently put it. Might want to read a little more carefully before you go judging. Not saying an EA is right, just that is wasn't physical.

 

 

 

Ahem...

 

Daisygirl - don't stress too much about the legal side of this - you are primary caregiver to your son - that is who gets custody nearly all of the time. If anything you will get alimony & child support as your H was the one who wanted you to stay home and be a wife & mother and therefore owes you that, at least for a limited amount of time (on the alimony). I know you will update us after you see the attorney, and I am interested to hear what they have to say. I know the rules are different in different states, but I believe an affair has to be of the physical sort before a court calls it adultery. I am not positive of this, if anyone has personal knowledge that is different then please correct me.

 

It is all going to work out, it will. You will find a job, you aren't going to lose your son. Those are the 2 most important things I imagine you're worrying about right now. I wish there was something more that I could say to ease your mind, but only time will bring about the changes I know you are wishing could happen RIGHT NOW. Just hang in there - we are all here for you.

[daisygirl]

That actually changes everything. Although, keep in mind that if you were discussing sex with your EA and proof is found of this, that it will be used against you.

 

Sounds like you need to get a divorce nonetheless. I'd consult a lawyer as to what your best course of action is.

 

It was not physical and thus should not be called an extramarital affair. An affair requires that sex occurs. The fact that you never even met this man makes it impossible to call this an affair.

 

I suggest you stop referring to it as such. It was just conversation.

 

Me calling it an "affair" shows (IMO) that I am taking blame for my actions. It went on for longer than I had planned and feelings got involved (on both ends). I feel that I emotionally cheated, so that's why I refer to it as an affair. Even "inappropriate friendship" seems to be understating it.

[daisygirl]

Daisygirl - don't stress too much about the legal side of this - you are primary caregiver to your son - that is who gets custody nearly all of the time. If anything you will get alimony & child support as your H was the one who wanted you to stay home and be a wife & mother and therefore owes you that, at least for a limited amount of time (on the alimony). I know you will update us after you see the attorney, and I am interested to hear what they have to say. I know the rules are different in different states, but I believe an affair has to be of the physical sort before a court calls it adultery. I am not positive of this, if anyone has personal knowledge that is different then please correct me.

 

It is all going to work out, it will. You will find a job, you aren't going to lose your son. Those are the 2 most important things I imagine you're worrying about right now. I wish there was something more that I could say to ease your mind, but only time will bring about the changes I know you are wishing could happen RIGHT NOW. Just hang in there - we are all here for you.

 

Thank you SO much. This is all getting pretty scary, and even though the EA was undoubtedly wrong for me to get involved it, I certainly don't think I deserve to lose my son over it. Nor do I deserve to lose him because I gave up my job to be a SAHM. I've also been in school part-time for the past year, so it's not like I'm just sitting at home on my a$$ all day.

 

Thaks again, Lemonade....((hugs))

[daisygirl]

It seems that it is only now, in the wake of a divorce and your husband finding out, that you regret the affair. Had you been able to keep it a secret, the biggest regret you would've had would be ending the affair.

 

One more comment....he never found out about the EA...so any regret I am feeling is from within, not because he knows.

[daisygirl]

And don't just do the 'want ads' for jobs. Think about the kind of job you want to do and places where you'd like to work... then go 'press the flesh'; introduce yourself, drop off a resume, find out who the hiring managers are, shake some hands.

 

 

This is a very good idea!! Thanks for that!!

[45Reverse]

So, since my H is planning to fight for custody, he has a 90% chance of winning??

 

Daisy,

 

I've been through a divorce of my own. My wife did the real deed of cheating. Did it several times with several different men. I'll admit that I hate the bitch's guts for what she did. "Tramp" and "Slut" don't even come close to accuratly expressing how I feel about her.

 

If anyone had a right to strip someone of custody it was me. But that's not what I did. I was rational enough to know that while my son's mom was a friggin hussy, she was still his mom.

 

I had to respect that. In the end what was best for my son was for him to spend half his time w/ his mom and half his time w/ me.

 

There is no justification for any other arrangment in my opinion. Barring abusive situations (please don't cry to me about "emotional abuse"...I'm talking about the real deal kind of abuse) the ONLY right thing is for you two to find a way to share EQUALLY in your son's life after the divorce.

 

If either one of you attempts to pull the "sole custody" card...or if by extension you play "I have the boobs so I should get custody and dad should see his kid every other weekend" card...Well, whichever one pulls that move is truely a scummy looser of human being.

 

If your position is one of divorcing but doing everything in your power to SHARE EQUALLY your son's life (custody) then your intentions are noble and to be commended.

 

Lastly, the other posters raise a few good points...Specifically, should a D be in the works please make sure that "move aways" are addressed thoroughly in the decree. INSIST on language which prevents him from taking the boy abroad without your permission. Insist on having the son's passport held by your attorney or you. If he manages to take your son to a Muslim country and chooses to stay there you will be screwed!

 

Note to "MakeLemonade":

 

Husbands do not "owe" Spousal Support to wives just becasue the wife was a SAHM. That's obsurd on it's face. When a D is on the table, the SAHM needs to go back to work and learn how to live that kind of life. That's one of the bummer side effects of divorce and single parent families.

 

The female entitlement mentality has got to stop. If she wants a D then she certainly should have the free right to get one but with that comes a responsibility to make it on her own. Child Support is ALWAYS fair and appropriate....but Spousal Support is f-in hand out and a Joke. Women need to get over themselves on this one.

 

You are entitled to divorce and live the rest of your lives however you wish...But thinking that the guy you divorce somehow has a responsibility to PAY for your life after marriage makes you look like nothing more than glorified whores.

Edited March 27, 2008 by 45Reverse

[MakeLemonade]

Daisy,

 

Note to "MakeLemonade":

 

Husbands do not "owe" Spousal Support to wives just becasue the wife was a SAHM. That's obsurd on it's face. When a D is on the table, the SAHM needs to go back to work and learn how to live that kind of life. That's one of the bummer side effects of divorce and single parent families.

 

The female entitlement mentality has got to stop. If she wants a D then she certainly should have the free right to get one but with that comes a responsibility to make it on her own. Child Support is ALWAYS fair and appropriate....but Spousal Support is f-in hand out and a Joke. Women need to get over themselves on this one.

 

You are entitled to divorce and live the rest of your lives however you wish...But thinking that the guy you divorce somehow has a responsibility to PAY for your life after marriage makes you look like nothing more than glorified whores.

 

I hear what you are saying, but my point is that it is often tough for a woman to re-enter or enter for the first time into the work force, and when she has remained out of it at the request of her H so she can be his FT wife, then IMO he owes her some help, at least for awhile until she can establish herself and a reasonable income to support herself and provide a suitable environment for the child.

 

Alimony shouldn't be forever, but in the case where the husband has requested (and in some cases - forced) the wife to assume the role of FT wife, support is warranted. And in this instance, he wants the divorce every bit as much as she does, and wants to take her son away in the process - he is a bullying, controlling jerk and if I were her I would want the time my son spent with him to be limited, not divided - or he will eventually poison his mind and he will become the same kind of bad husband to some other woman down the road. This is not a blanket statement I am making, lots of women don't necessarily deserve support, child support yes, but in this particular case, based on daisygirl's writings, it is certainly warranted & deserved.

 

Edited to add: this is not just women per se - in a sitch where it was the man staying home per the woman's desires and the woman making all the money, he would deserve some support at first too.

[BigJ]

I can somewhat get on board with 'rehabilitative support' particularly if there are kids involved and she stopped work to care for their kids. If there are no kids and she just wasn't working it's a bit (completely really) different IMO.

 

Lifetime support is an evil idea that men and women should both be offended by, as is the Lifetime Movie Network.

[MakeLemonade]

I can somewhat get on board with 'rehabilitative support' particularly if there are kids involved and she stopped work to care for their kids. If there are no kids and she just wasn't working it's a bit (completely really) different IMO.

 

Lifetime support is an evil idea that men and women should both be offended by, as is the Lifetime Movie Network.

 

Absolutely - and really from what I have heard (my H's aunt is a lawyer), it happens alot less often than people think. It's mostly people with lots of money and they didn't want the wife to work so she could run the household/help with their business/be a trophy so they pay her, it is usually a finite number of years as well.

 

Usually the woman ends up remarrying and alimony ceases then anyway.

 

In this case there is a 2-yr old boy involved. She does everything for the child, as the father works a ton and isn't very involved (though loves him I am sure). She deserves some help until she can get on her feet. JMHO FWIW.

[daisygirl]

Thanks for the replies, everyone....

 

I am not sure if I will be entitled to any spousal support or not. If it were the case that we didn't have a child together, I would never even consider asking for it. And even if I get it now, I certainly don't expect it to be long-term. I think it would be fair to recieve it ONLY while I get back on my feet. I have not even mentioned this to my STBX because I know he'll go nuts if I mention spousal support.

 

I did work full-time until I had my son. Then, my STBX and I decided that I would stay at home to raise him. I loved the job I had previously, but it was retail management, and the hours are not the best for a new mom, especially since my STBX works late hours/weekends as well. If I could now, I'd go back to my old job, but again, the evening hours and weekends do not coincide with daycare hours, and I have no family close to help out.

 

Being a SAHM is contributing to the household, maybe not financially, but it is still a job, IMO. I may not have been the best wife, but I still believe that I am a damn good mommy. Yes, my STBX works a ton, but he does love our son with all his heart, and I will always respect that and want them to continue their relationship.

 

Thanks again everyone...I know I will come out of this stronger, and I will update after I talk to the attorney, for sure!!

[Findingme]

Thanks for the replies, everyone....

 

I am not sure if I will be entitled to any spousal support or not. If it were the case that we didn't have a child together, I would never even consider asking for it. And even if I get it now, I certainly don't expect it to be long-term. I think it would be fair to recieve it ONLY while I get back on my feet. I have not even mentioned this to my STBX because I know he'll go nuts if I mention spousal support.

 

I did work full-time until I had my son. Then, my STBX and I decided that I would stay at home to raise him. I loved the job I had previously, but it was retail management, and the hours are not the best for a new mom, especially since my STBX works late hours/weekends as well. If I could now, I'd go back to my old job, but again, the evening hours and weekends do not coincide with daycare hours, and I have no family close to help out.

 

Being a SAHM is contributing to the household, maybe not financially, but it is still a job, IMO. I may not have been the best wife, but I still believe that I am a damn good mommy. Yes, my STBX works a ton, but he does love our son with all his heart, and I will always respect that and want them to continue their relationship.

 

Thanks again everyone...I know I will come out of this stronger, and I will update after I talk to the attorney, for sure!!

 

It's been a weird couple of days that seem like they are becoming the norm!

 

Anyway.... As far as what happened... well remember this was a VERY long time ago, my daughter is now 22 and a mother in her own right now.

I had to go full time at working and then some to make ends meet and sometimes they still didn't. Some of the time I didn't have a telephone or tv.

I lived very far from home so I had no support system and friends, well when you go through a divorce you find out who your real friends are. During those nightmare years my old boss used to tell me "don't sweat the small stuff.... and it's all small stuff". I totally took that to heart. Almost 20 years later and I STILL remember that.

Another guy told me don't do anything he can use against you. I WISH I had taken to heart what he said. While I did win in the initial divorce he wasn't done torturing me yet. He re-married and yes he did get custody for close to 3 years. I made min. wage, I got fired from a job because I was in court and court related stuff that I was told I was un-reliable. I went back to my old job after that. Anyway I ran out of money to fight anymore and my lawyer said he couldn't do anything else for me and I just gave up. Even though less than 3 years later I had her back I've always deeply regretted giving up like that.

During that 3 years my daughter became like a little mini him and still to this day has a bit of his arrogant attitude and says things to me with the intent to hurt.

The ex, well he never wanted her to begin with, he just wanted to torture me. When I got re-married he no longer found it entertaining and called me 1 day out of the blue and said for me to come get her, I did. She was 6 by then. When she was 9 my current husband adopted her and as far as they are concerned HE is her Dad. HE was the one there when she graduated H.S., HE walked her down the isle when she got married, HE was there at the hospital when she gave birth to her daughter. While the ex was invited to ALL these events he never came to any of them. His Mom and step Mom as well as his sister and her family came up for the wedding but he didn't. And while they were here they told me they wished they'd have talked to me all those years ago instead of just taking his word for things.

 

Don't take to heart the comments about being a SAHM, my ex was the same way, because I didn't bring home cash I must not have done anything worthwhile. He required his house spotless and his dinner hot on the table when he walked in the door, not to mention I was and did everything for his daughter... I didn't "do" anything. While I am not a SAHM anymore I still feel the hair on my arms stand up when I hear someone disrespect someone else because they are.

 

Definatly get a lawyer!!! Good luck and keep us posted!

[Gunny376]

To understand alimony ~ you have to back "in the day" to when divorce was rare, considered, immoral and even a sin? And when 80 to 85% of all women were SAHM ~ evenn if they didn't have children?

 

To understand, and fully appreciate the times, you would have to go back to and actually live in the days before cable and color TV (only four channels CBS, ABC, NBC, AND PBS ~ if the President came on TV to speak? Its was over) before automatic washing machines, dryers, dishwashers, microwaves, air conditioning. I've lived during these times.

 

Until around 1950 + if a couple got divorced? The man automoatically by default and with hardly any effort got everything worth stealng ~ to include sole custody of the Children, but most would send the children packing with the Mother back to Mama and Daddy's.

 

This is where "asking for her hand in marriage"? Came from? Its not about respecting the soon to be father-in-law? Its about the father making sure that she's marrying someone that can and is willing to support her and any subsequent children? That he had a good steady job, could and would put a roof over thier heads, clothes on their backs? Would drink up ~ nor gamble away the rent, grocery money?

 

Women's choices back then when it came to jobs were (and in rural areas still are?) very limited? No husband? Ruination for her and the children.

 

 

With that said? This isn't the 1950's and women have choices and options that they not always had nor enjoyed for the better part of the last 5000 years? Its only been in the last seventy years that the laws allow women choices and equal (?) treatment when it comes to divorce?

 

In those cases involving custody? In 90% of divorce cases in the US the mother gets custody ~ primarly because the STBXH doesn't pursue custody? However, in the 10 % of the case where the STBXH does seek custody? They're awarded custody 90% of the time? In which 90% of the time the non-custodial mother pays little or no child support?

 

With that said? We're talking about a 10% of women that don't have any business raising a child? Alcohol, drugs, mental and emotional disorders, etc.

 

IOW's DaisyGirl? Your H has about a snowball's chance in Hell of getting sole custody? With his being a work-aholic? I doubt very seriously that the only way he will even get joint-custody? Is you just lay down and role over?

 

This guy's all bark with no teeth!

[Gunny376]

LadyJane is right! The number one way you find a job these days? Its not through the want ads, nor through the employment agencies,, (especially the State Employment Office ~ I don't what is those people do all day besides draw a check from the state and deny your claim for unemployment ~ but it sure as Hell isn't finding you a job?)

 

The number one way you find a job? A good and decent job? You've got to know someone? The job I have now? I got because I knew someone on the inside? The job I have now? Has never be advertised? Never be listed with an employment agency?

 

Why? I won't go into.

 

Here in Alabama the number one employer are family owned business that employ 100 people or less. Guess who get hired first? Family and friends of family.

 

But you've got to network, network, network!

 

Here in the "Bible Belt" the number one way to get a job? Join and go to church!

 

As far as finacial concerns go? Google "Mary Hunt & Debt Proof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover" You can find Dave's book at WalMart in the religion turnstill, and Mary you find over the internet.

 

That both basically say the same ~ and both are religious based ~ but Mary's method is more down and dirty and more real to the day-to-day reality of your typical family.

 

It cost $2 a month to gain full acess to her website and years worth of handy-dandy tips for day-to-day living. The forumns are the financial equivalent of LS? They give you "real-world" suggestions, advice, ideas, answers, solutions to real day-to-day problems!

 

Mary's site (Dave's got one to) is the reason that I'm debt free ~ worry free ~ stress free! And well on the road to where I want to be in life!

[Gunny376]

So, since my H is planning to fight for custody, he has a 90% chance of winning??

 

 

No! YOU DO!

 

The 10% that lost custody to thier former Husbands were un-fit Mothers to begin with! You've got a 90% chance of winning full custody ~ unless you just lay down without fighting! The 10% that lost custody? Were on drugs, had touble with alcohol, problems with the law, incarcerated, etc!

 

In other words? He's got a snowball chance in Hell of getting full custody from you!

[twice_shy]

No! YOU DO!

 

The 10% that lost custody to thier former Husbands were un-fit Mothers to begin with! You've got a 90% chance of winning full custody ~ unless you just lay down without fighting! The 10% that lost custody? Were on drugs, had touble with alcohol, problems with the law, incarcerated, etc!

 

In other words? He's got a snowball chance in Hell of getting full custody from you!

 

Yup, and this is almost what my attorney told me to a T.

 

However, my attorney knows the scumbag she is now seeing and he said to just wait. It will be a matter of time before she lands in jail for doing drugs with this guy. If I had proof it was in the apartment with my kids, I'd consider calling CPS. But if its not in the apartment with them and they go in and find nothing, then it will be like me crying wolf the next time if I ever KNOW they have it in there.

 

In the meantime it just bothers the hell out of me that I can do nothing unless someone comes forward to tell me they saw them doing it around the kids and will testify.