Cake Eaters

[LadyDi]

Is anyone in a situation/relationship where both parties are M, and neither one is looking to leave their M? The ol Cake eater, as I've seen discribed here? What if that is sufficent and staisfactory for both people? I haven't seen this mentioned much here and was wondering how this worked out in the long run.

 

Of course the possibility of one or both falling in love is a problem, and if that does/did happen, and both of you still would not leave your M...how did that work out? Love the person from afar? Stop the A because it became to painful? Or take it for what it is and just enjoy the little time you do have together?

 

Just wondering what others have gone thru....

[Love is Tragic]

Is anyone in a situation/relationship where both parties are M, and neither one is looking to leave their M? The ol Cake eater, as I've seen discribed here? What if that is sufficent and staisfactory for both people? I haven't seen this mentioned much here and was wondering how this worked out in the long run.

 

Of course the possibility of one or both falling in love is a problem, and if that does/did happen, and both of you still would not leave your M...how did that work out? Love the person from afar? Stop the A because it became to painful? Or take it for what it is and just enjoy the little time you do have together?

 

Just wondering what others have gone thru....

 

In my case, we both were married, but the affair was originally thought to only be a one-night stand, as he was supposed to no longer be traveling to the town i lived in. He was in a boring, sexless marriage and i was in a marriage where i didnt feel appreciated and wasnt getting the attention i needed. ExMM ended up having an extended assignment and stayed in my town for several months, to which we continued in our PA. They werent "exit affairs" for either of us, we enjoyed all the sex we were having, and the friendship we shared. I was determined to keep it that way, but unfortunately feelings developed between both of us, and it became a combo PA/EA. I still to this day, fully believe that the EA could have been controlled if we hadnt spent as much time together and talking on the phone, texting, etc.

 

We never really entertained the thought of us leaving our spouses-sure, it was something we joked about, but neither of us was willing to make that sacrifice, and we both have children to think about. His marriage was pretty miserable, but stayed for the kids-same old song and dance many of us OW hear. Eventually, his assignment was complete(he had purposely dragged it out in order for us to spend more time together, which i didnt find out until much later) and he went back to his home town. Basically, we both fell in love, but wouldnt admit it to the other, although we both knew it, deep down. I saw him one last time a month after he returned home, then didnt hear from him for a couple months. When he finally contacted me, he said his wife had forced it out of him that he had an affair, and that he could not contact anyone from my town again, per her orders. He called one last time, which was awkward to say the least-but kept saying that we would still talk, just couldnt be as often.

 

I never heard from him again after that, its been 9 months NC and my heart is completely broken. Me, the woman who never gets feelings involved-i fell for him, and fell hard at that. I ran across his newly-made myspace profile a few months back, and contacted him-to which he never responded and actually blocked me from contacting him any further. Ouch.. So ladies who are OW, the sweet, endearing things they say to you mean nothing when put in front of their wives. They will likely throw you under the bus every time, especially when children are involved. The man you once believed to be your true "soulmate" becomes a dark, cold, man who stays with his wife to save face. They are truely cowards. And really, who wants a man who is that whipped? If he cant choose to live his own life as he sees fit, then whats the point?

 

So.. to answer your questions, i suppose that we did enjoy the little time we had together, and yes-i do still admire from afar. As much as i hate myself for it, because he doesnt deserve it. Thats love for ya.. Maybe in another time, another place..

[LadyDi]

Our stories have numerous similarities!

[Love is Tragic]

Our stories have numerous similarities!

 

Oh, do tell! Its been difficult to find those who completely sympathize-not many of the affairs that are shared on LS are both people involved being married. Is this your situation as well? Feel free to browse my previous posts for more details into my situation. The emotional pain is truely debilatating, sometimes i truely believe this is my forever punishment for the things i have done. Its hard not to imagine myself, ten years from now or more, still feeling the same way about exMM that i do now. Maybe ill look back and laugh-and think, "how silly i was in that period of my life!". But as of now, its been almost a year of pain, yearning for exMM and that connection we shared. Its like they say, you never know what youre missing until it arrives. Well, he arrived, and now hes gone. Hes not available, and obviously wants to be miserable, so be it!

[LadyDi]

Nope, no sympathy around here, but of course I never really expected any anyway. We aren't the most hated women in the world for nothing! Both of us are M, and co-workers too. Started off as fun, and we ended up in deeper than we wanted. Neither one of us want D's.

 

The W has caught him in numerous lies, given all kinds of ultimatums which she never goes thru with, but even I (the heartless, cool one, who like you, rarely shows my feelings) am starting to feel guilty and sorry for her. But each time something comes up, he rolls over and acts the fool toward me. I'm actually ok with this, since I would want him to do whatever he needs to do to stay home, but it does wear thin. I am hoping this just fades away, D-Days (of which there have been 3 so far, ) are getting easier and easier to handle. The first 2 I thought I'd die from the pain. I want it to end on our terms, not because it was forced on us. The easy way out? Sure is, but if I get to wish, that's what I wish for!

 

I miss the friendly banter we have when we're in NC. I'll probably always miss that when its over. And I've thought this is like Karma, biting me in the butt for all the wrongs I've commited over the years....kinda like you think you're being punished. Funny how we have the same opinion on things here!

[Owl]

LIT, I'm curious...why are you so angry at him for deciding to work on his marriage rather than continue the affair? Especially when you admit up front that neither of you intended to end your marriages?

 

What would have happened if your H had found out about the affair? How would you have responded?

[Love is Tragic]

LIT, I'm curious...why are you so angry at him for deciding to work on his marriage rather than continue the affair? Especially when you admit up front that neither of you intended to end your marriages?

 

What would have happened if your H had found out about the affair? How would you have responded?

 

Im not angry with him for continuing his marriage, cynical-maybe, bitter-perhaps.. Its more the fact that he wasnt man enough to tell me in the first place-there was little to no closure with the whole deal. He could have, at the very least-called me to say it was definitely over and that he was going to respect his wives wishes from here on out. But no, instead he chose to string me along by telling me that he would still be in contact with me, just not as frequently.

 

Leaving our marriages wasnt really an option for either of us at the time. Even now that my H and i are separated, i definitely do not need a rebound relationship, even though i still have feelings for him. Above all, its the friendship and the connection i miss the most.

 

If my H were to have found out about the affair(which he suspected from time to time anyway), i would not have denied it. I suppose i would admit that i had feelings for MM-i dont think i could hide behind those feelings any further.

[Owl]

Right. And would your H have likely insisted on NC between you and him if he knew?

 

Odds are high. Odds are high that he wouldn't have even tolerated a "goodbye" email. Which is very likely what your friend's wife insisted on too.

 

Saving his marriage likely took precedence over a "goodbye" contact.

 

And as you said, he knew he was being watched by her (most BS's will definitely be on the lookout for resumed contact) so he KNEW that he'd likely get busted if he reached out to you for any reason. He might have been hoping to put the whole affair into hiding until he'd convinced his wife was over...then to resume it. It happens all the time. And its possible that he'll NEVER convince her to a point where he can safely resume it.

 

 

Make sense?

[Love is Tragic]

Right. And would your H have likely insisted on NC between you and him if he knew?

 

Odds are high. Odds are high that he wouldn't have even tolerated a "goodbye" email. Which is very likely what your friend's wife insisted on too.

 

Saving his marriage likely took precedence over a "goodbye" contact.

 

And as you said, he knew he was being watched by her (most BS's will definitely be on the lookout for resumed contact) so he KNEW that he'd likely get busted if he reached out to you for any reason. He might have been hoping to put the whole affair into hiding until he'd convinced his wife was over...then to resume it. It happens all the time. And its possible that he'll NEVER convince her to a point where he can safely resume it.

 

 

Make sense?

 

Yes, it makes sense.. But, he contacted me AFTER she had given her ultimatums and demands, not before. There was 2 months of me not hearing from him at all(which was when sh*t was hitting the fan for him), then he called and told me she knew. He had already promised her he would have zero contact with any of his friends in the town i live in. He then called me once more about a week later. This was the very last phone call, to which i told him he shouldnt feel like he HAS to stay in contact with me, and he insisted that we would still talk, but not nearly as often. So, he obviously implied that contact would be resumed. I understand what youre saying about feeling as if it would never be safe to resume contact, what with her distrust and suspicion. Why would he contact me in the dead thick of the heat of her finding out? When she was most likely the most suspicious and watching him every second?

 

The only saving grace might have been that he has always called/texted from his work phone, those bills she cant get access to. Although he claimed his work had caught on and he was getting in trouble for the long phone calls and texts. I dont know what was going on in his head, i suppose ill never know. I do know, however, that it wasnt necessary to completely diss me by blocking me on myspace like some sort of stalker. At that time, i didnt even know for sure if it was over-of course, i sure got confirmation of it when i was blocked like some sort of psycho stalker! haha.. which i am not-i hadnt even attempted contact with him since that last phone call.

[Deanster]

mmmmm... Cake.

 

Like all things, the Cake-eating setup is perfect on paper, but a little harder to manage in reality. My observation watching others is that it's especially hard for moms with kids to clear time for cake-eating - it seems to 'work better' (from a logistical point of view, anyway), if at least one half of the A is single, and thus flexible to be available at the OW/OM's beck and call.

 

I'm a MM who wouldn't mind finding a Cake situation, but really, I hardly have enough time and energy to keep up with my M. Cake is good, but trying to keep another woman happy? I have more than enough hassles in my life.

 

How 'bout just a little frosting?

[sessuale]

Frosting is the best part of the cake!

[MimiMe]

In my case, we both were married, but the affair was originally thought to only be a one-night stand, as he was supposed to no longer be traveling to the town i lived in. He was in a boring, sexless marriage and i was in a marriage where i didnt feel appreciated and wasnt getting the attention i needed. ExMM ended up having an extended assignment and stayed in my town for several months, to which we continued in our PA. They werent "exit affairs" for either of us, we enjoyed all the sex we were having, and the friendship we shared. I was determined to keep it that way, but unfortunately feelings developed between both of us, and it became a combo PA/EA. I still to this day, fully believe that the EA could have been controlled if we hadnt spent as much time together and talking on the phone, texting, etc.

 

We never really entertained the thought of us leaving our spouses-sure, it was something we joked about, but neither of us was willing to make that sacrifice, and we both have children to think about. His marriage was pretty miserable, but stayed for the kids-same old song and dance many of us OW hear. Eventually, his assignment was complete(he had purposely dragged it out in order for us to spend more time together, which i didnt find out until much later) and he went back to his home town. Basically, we both fell in love, but wouldnt admit it to the other, although we both knew it, deep down. I saw him one last time a month after he returned home, then didnt hear from him for a couple months. When he finally contacted me, he said his wife had forced it out of him that he had an affair, and that he could not contact anyone from my town again, per her orders. He called one last time, which was awkward to say the least-but kept saying that we would still talk, just couldnt be as often.

 

I never heard from him again after that, its been 9 months NC and my heart is completely broken. Me, the woman who never gets feelings involved-i fell for him, and fell hard at that. I ran across his newly-made myspace profile a few months back, and contacted him-to which he never responded and actually blocked me from contacting him any further. Ouch.. So ladies who are OW, the sweet, endearing things they say to you mean nothing when put in front of their wives. They will likely throw you under the bus every time, especially when children are involved. The man you once believed to be your true "soulmate" becomes a dark, cold, man who stays with his wife to save face. They are truely cowards. And really, who wants a man who is that whipped? If he cant choose to live his own life as he sees fit, then whats the point?

 

So.. to answer your questions, i suppose that we did enjoy the little time we had together, and yes-i do still admire from afar. As much as i hate myself for it, because he doesnt deserve it. Thats love for ya.. Maybe in another time, another place..

 

Ouch!! To be honest... I commend him- as much as it hurts, respect him for holding his grounds. Would you have rather him use you further?

I know you are as broken hearted as you say you are, but time and especially distance heals. You were probably an escape to his issues and then he hit the brick wall of reality.

Best of wishes and good luck to you!

[MimiMe]

Yes, it makes sense.. But, he contacted me AFTER she had given her ultimatums and demands, not before.

 

He was at least polite to let you know the 411...

 

He could've just not contacted you at all! Complexed world.

and of course he was going to contact you AFTER the ultimatum, he didn't know about them before... LOL! (I'm just being a goof!)

[MimiMe]

mmmmm... Cake.

 

Like all things, the Cake-eating setup is perfect on paper, but a little harder to manage in reality. My observation watching others is that it's especially hard for moms with kids to clear time for cake-eating - it seems to 'work better' (from a logistical point of view, anyway), if at least one half of the A is single, and thus flexible to be available at the OW/OM's beck and call.

 

I'm a MM who wouldn't mind finding a Cake situation, but really, I hardly have enough time and energy to keep up with my M. Cake is good, but trying to keep another woman happy? I have more than enough hassles in my life.

 

How 'bout just a little frosting?

 

Classic!

Word! I had posted before about this... why would anyone want to duplicate the nagging!? and deal with all the dramz and high levels of stress that A's cause. I can just imagine all the mental energy that MM/MW have to burn fabricating all the lies. It's hard enough being in a marriage. Jeez, suicidal!