how do i tell him?

[myninestrings]

i'm in a weird situation. i'm asking that the "advice" you post at least be constructive. if you have nothing helpful to say i suggest you simply not post. i've decided to sum this up as little as possible. i need those giving advice to understand the feelings involved. sorry it's soooo long. thanks in advance to anyone willing to help.

 

i've known this guy for two years. i moved here from another town and knew no one. he was the first to even try to talk to me. we met through work and whenever either of us has a problem we'd talk about it together. we're always there for each other to offer advice. early on he wanted to date me but he and an ex of his, who's one of my friends now, were still in a sort of relationship. i didn't want to get in the middle of it so i basicly let him know that. for two years he's been trying to date me. and i adore him. i really do. i've had feelings for him all this time. i've just never been able to tell him.

 

i would exclude this next part but it's where the situation began. so it's kind of important. a couple of months ago now i had the most random dream. some people would probably laugh at this but i try to pay attention to dreams with signifigance. in the dream i got a kind of message that i should try to help him. that was all the dream consisted of. i know, it's strange. so at work a few days later i saw him and asked him about how he was doing. he had been depressed a lot lately and we talked about it. he had been having girl trouble. i told him he had nothing to worry about because he doesn't, he's very popular with the ladies. i told him about all the girls i knew of that just swooned over him, excluding myself of course. he was suprised to hear it and it made him feel better. a while later i invited him to go to a show with me. i had an extra ticket and it was a show that he had wanted to see anyway. he had even requested that day off in advance.

 

we had a lot of fun and after that we started hanging out all the time. we'd just sit and talk for hours. after the show i got really sick but he still would call me and send me messages. he even took care of me while i was sick. we'd go out to eat together, go shopping together, or go to the movies. he'd ask me a lot of "if we were dating" questions or say things like "if we were dating". and then valentines day came around. he asked if he could come over and i said sure. he brought a movie and seemed a little nervous. i asked him if he wanted something to eat and he said he wasn't hungry. i wasn't either so we decided to go get some more movies. we came back to the house and after watching one of the movies he asked for a drink. i made us both a drink with what i had. he drank it quickly and made himself another. drank the second faster than the first. after that he said "you should come sit beside me". i knew then what was going to happen. he knows how ticklish i am so he started tickling me. and then the tickling turned into a kiss. an amazing kiss. the kiss led to touching and the touching led to sex. it was great sex. i won't get into it though. no one needs to hear that.

 

after it happened i put him to bed and gave him a kiss goodnight. the next day we went out to get breakfast and ended up at his house. where it happened two more times. after which i asked him to keep it a secret because people at work can be cruel. he agreed and we got in the car for him to take me back home. later on that day i guess he went with two of our mutual friends to the movies. he didn't tell them about what happened between us because i asked him to keep it a secret. so they hooked him up with this girl they met there.

 

he started ignoring my calls and messages. he'd make up excuses, saying his phone wasn't working. i knew better though. it hurt me more that he was ignoring me than he was dating someone he had just met at a movie theater. after a few days we had a serious talk about it. we had planned on going to a party at the same two friend's house. he told me he was sorry he hadn't just dated me and that he really cared about me. he spilled his guts about how he felt about me and got a little emotional on the phone. he said it was okay if i didn't want her to come to the party. i said it was okay only because i didn't want to be mean to him.

 

the relationship lasted two weeks and he told me about the breakup personally. i asked him why it ended and he said that they didn't really like each other in "that way" and they agreed it would be better if they were just friends. after that we've started talking again. we spend all day talking to each other through txt some days. but whenever i start talking about how i miss him or anything he gets a little weird on me. even if we find out we have more in common than previously thought. last night i asked him if he just wanted me to go away. he asked me why i said that. i told him i missed being around him and would rather just go away than bother him. he said no. that he just wasn't feeling very well. he accounted for where he'd been and what he'd been doing all day. and that made me feel better.

 

i want to tell him how i feel. i want us to be a couple. i just don't know how to say it. lately he hasn't been able to come over because of the weather. 8 inches of snow can really be a plan buster. i don't even know how to approach the issue.

[Curmudgeon]

i want to tell him how i feel. i want us to be a couple. i just don't know how to say it. lately he hasn't been able to come over because of the weather. 8 inches of snow can really be a plan buster. i don't even know how to approach the issue.

 

Don't know if he's commitment phobic or just a player but it seems he would rather have you as a booty call than a girlfriend. He seems to practiced with all this back-and-forth with other women, and you as well, for it all to be mistakes, lack of confidence, things that just happened, etc.

 

Then again, perhaps I'm doing him a disservice but in either event, I certainly wouldn't count on him committing or staying committed.

 

Your question was how to tell him you want some commitment. My answer is, "I wouldn't."

 

As always, just one man's opinion!

[norajane]

You shut him down and kept him in the friend zone for 2 years while enjoying his company, and then when you finally got together, you wanted to keep it a secret and hide your relationship. Then, he spilled his guts and told you how he felt, and still you said nothing about your feelings for him and basically told him you didn't care either way if he came to the party with you. I can see why he would be uncertain of your feelings for him.

 

Call him, tell him you've been doing a lot of thinking, apologize for making him feel like someone you had to hide and didn't want to date openly, tell him that you do want to be a couple and ask him what his thoughts are on that now. You aren't going to get any farther than you are now by holding back like you have been. It's time for you to spill your guts a little.

[myninestrings]

i have no self confidence whatsoever. it's not that i wanted to keep him as a friend. i told him i wasn't ashamed of him. though i suppose it's hard for him to feel otherwise. i told him i wanted him to come...and that it didn't matter if his new girlfriend came. i've been doing a lot of talking with a friend about my trust issues and...well... self esteem issues. it's like in one part of my mind i say that there's no way he'd want me. in another i'm saying that he's obviously attracted to me in some way if he keeps comming around me. but i can't believe that he does almost. i'd like to tell him but i feel like i'd be laughed at. i almost expect him to say "are you kidding?" and then put me down in some way. i tried telling him. it was a weird moment. he almost seemed suprised. he was worried about my parents finding out (because i still live at home sadly). and i said that they wouldn't be suprised. he asked why. and i sheepishly said 'because i've liked you for a really long time.' it stunned him a bit. i suppose i'll find a way to tell him one way or another.