So I told the wife

[Dominique]

...Ladies, no matter what century it is, no matter if you are a millionaire, multi-millionaire, billionaire, what have you; can pay your own mortage, fly a plane, read Chinese, or dive to the bottom of oceans to get your own pearls...if you are not sexually and emotionally attentive to your guy, and he is trying and trying to get you to come around to doing so, then he is--"simply" going to go elsewhere for that. No amount of modern life, modern age or sociology, "new roles' or what have you will break down some of these basic laws of nature and human psychology. As James M says, very often both spouses are to blame for the breakdown of a marriage and "cheating" goes both ways--withholding sex and extramartial betrayal.

 

 

The poster who wrote about the lack of consideration on the part of her husband after her birthing strikes me as a (terrible) exception. The man in this case is just pathetic. And cruel.

 

The poster who wrote that an affair has or will turn the children of the married couple into "white trash" (?) Well...so severe a cultural metamorphoses does not necessarily occur in all cases (!!)

 

To the posters who say, Get a Divorce First. It is not so straightforward is it? Like Scrivdog, the affair might be the cry for help--the cry to get the wife thinking about the state of their marriage; or it may mean that the husband gets wiped out financially. The laws are very biased against men.

 

Scriv does not sound like an "arrogant" and detached man. He sounds matter of fact, and exhausted. He also has a sense of humor and is, it appears, financially comfortable. So...there may a lot there that the wife benefited from in this marriage as well, no? Maybe she should wake up...

[american-woman]

I think what you are saying is that there is no reason that justifies an affair, and I agree. But to say that there are no reasons that contribute to an affair is ignoring the facts. Affairs do not happen in seemingly perfect marriages most of the time. Yes, they do on occasion. Usually there are events that have contributed to a person being "weak enough" to choose an affair.

 

Women tend to have affairs when there husbands ignore their emotional needs, while men tend to have affairs when there sexual needs (also related to emotional connection) are ignored. When a woman no longer has a husband at home who takes the time to listen and talk, then she is likely to become emotionally attached to a man who becomes a very good confidant. Men tend to choose affairs when another woman fills the void of showing respect and admiration (which may not be happening at home).

 

Yes, there are good reasons why someone cannot be a perfect mate, but as someone said here to me, "Dude, you had better seduce your own wife or someone else may."

 

None of this justifies an affair, but if we do not sit back and see why the affair occurred, we will not be able to prevent another one whether it be in this marriage or the next.

 

To simply say that the affair happened because there was some inner flaw (as if it is genetic) which has no connection to the partner is again ignoring reality. This may apply to a guy who visits prostitutes on a regular basis, but guys will tell you that to choose an affair means that much more is involved. Not only does an affair involve the emotions, but it involves another relationship. Visiting prostitutes fills the addiction needs of sex, but it rarely fills the need for an emotional connection through admiration and respect.

 

So, again, affairs are not simply a bad choice which has no connection to other events in life...such as marriage.

 

 

 

 

Do some research on Bi-Polar, Sexual Addiction,ADD ect.

 

Yes I do agree a couple should see what had caused the affair so it does`nt happen again. But sometimes that is`nt enough.

In my cause my WH stated it was`nt me it was him. He did`nt care wanted to party.

 

And some affairs do not involve emotions such as a one nite stand.

But when a poster states he having an affair because his wife does`nt put out that is not helping the probelm that is adding to the problem. But heck what do we know maybe she does but it may not be enough for him(sexual addiction)?

Does that give him a right to seek it elsewhere? He has a hand does`nt he?

 

I would love to hear her side

[twice_shy]

I do think about what he did to me, never said I didn't. As time goes by I don't think about it as much. Right now, yes I do trust him because he is an open book to me and he hasn't given me any reason not to and he is doing everything he needs to do to let me know that he is willing to work on our problems with me and not run to someone else when the going gets tough. I have never trusted anyone in my life 100%. Except for maybe my mother.

 

It is possible that he could do it again but I have already told him this is his chance-he cheats again and I am gone.

 

I live in the now. We never know which day will be our last. As of now, yes I can say that I am happy with our relationship and we are in this together. If anything changes, I'll let ya know!

 

Well then I'm happy for you if you are truly happy.

 

For me its simple, I will never let myself believe that life with someone that f###d someone else while we are married or dating is any life at all.

 

I don't want to be with someone where thoughts of what they did to me pop into my head from time to time. that is shiit I don't need.

[twice_shy]

I will say it again, There is no reason for having an affair. If there was such a problem in his marriage then why did`nt he get a divorce instead of having an affair? His wife did`nt make him have the affair that is the excuse he is using to justify it. He is a cake eater. It is a flaw in the WP to have the affair.

 

He had a choice stay and fix the marriage or divorce then date.

 

Well I've read enough of the justifications for cheating from Scrivdog on this site to think that he won't be satisfied having sex with the same woman for long. So yes, he needs to divorce and simply date. That way when he grows tired of having sex with the same person, he can move on without a big mess.

[american-woman]

There probably are things BOTH of them need to work on. What marriage doesn't need work? HOWEVER, when people read some of these posts, they'll feel more justified in cheating on their spouse.

 

 

 

I agree, a marriage is hard work

[twice_shy]

To the posters who say, Get a Divorce First. It is not so straightforward is it? Like Scrivdog, the affair might be the cry for help.

 

Well if that is true, then its a stupid way to cry for help. Because now he is nothing but a cheater and I suspect, if his wife had any smarts, that she will file for divorce.

[JamesM]

Do some research on Bi-Polar, Sexual Addiction,ADD ect.

 

Yes I do agree a couple should see what had caused the affair so it does`nt happen again. But sometimes that is`nt enough.

In my cause my WH stated it was`nt me it was him. He did`nt care wanted to party.

 

And some affairs do not involve emotions such as a one nite stand.

But when a poster states he having an affair because his wife does`nt put out that is not helping the probelm that is adding to the problem. But heck what do we know maybe she does but it may not be enough for him(sexual addiction)?

Does that give him a right to seek it elsewhere? He has a hand does`nt he?

 

I would love to hear her side

 

 

I agree that other factors can contribute to affairs. But many if not most have a direct connection to a bad marriage. The BS does not want to hear this due to all the pain caused by the affair.

 

And yes, there are men and women who have addictions and who choose one nite stands, but again this is not the affair (as defined by a relationship with someone). This is simply a sexual liaison with many different people. It can be compared to prostitution.

 

IMO a sexless marriage contributes to an affair. Affairs do not happen most of the time because a man wants variety. This type of man seeks out one nite stands and prostitutes.

[american-woman]

Well I've read enough of the justifications for cheating from Scrivdog on this site to think that he won't be satisfied having sex with the same woman for long. So yes, he needs to divorce and simply date. That way when he grows tired of having sex with the same person, he can move on without a big mess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

he has the caveman syndrome

[twice_shy]

To the posters who say, Get a Divorce First. It is not so straightforward is it? Like Scrivdog, the affair might be the cry for help--the cry to get the wife thinking about the state of their marriage; or it may mean that the husband gets wiped out financially. The laws are very biased against men.

 

Well if a man is worried about getting financially wiped out in a divorce, well, sorry, but tough sh#t. One should think about that before sticking his lil sprout in other women.

 

Scriv does not sound like an "arrogant" and detached man.

 

Then you haven't read enough of his posts.

 

 

He sounds matter of fact, and exhausted. He also has a sense of humor and is, it appears, financially comfortable. So...there may a lot there that the wife benefited from in this marriage as well, no? Maybe she should wake up...

 

For her sake, I hope she does wake up.

[mrmaximum]

Well then I'm happy for you if you are truly happy.

 

For me its simple, I will never let myself believe that life with someone that f###d someone else while we are married or dating is any life at all.

 

I don't want to be with someone where thoughts of what they did to me pop into my head from time to time. that is shiit I don't need.

 

I hear you, infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving for years to come.

[Scrivdog]

I can say this much - I wish that asshat Elliot Spitzer had checked with me first before coming out with his infidelities. Now the TV is 24/hrs a day Elliot Spitzer, his hookers, and his poor wife. Damn - that guy and his terrible timing.

 

The wife is going through her cycles right now. Angry, calm, angry, etc. Stands to reason since she didn't have all the facts like I've had all this time. Sooo I'm going through the Spanish inquisition deal - but I'm answering all her questions - after all it's her right to know.

 

Fortunately I have the unique brand of comic relief that can only come from LS's own screeching harpies. I have to thank you ladies for that - seriously. I literally had to hold my mouth not ot laugh out loud a few times.

 

But the sad part is that that I know what's eating you more than you yourselves do. I see the same reaction from some of the female commentators on TV regarding Spitzer: You women are scared sh*tless of admitting what really happened to you or what could eventually happen to you in your marriage.

 

What I've been trying to drive hom here on LS for months now, and what some other posters here have been trying to say is very, very simple. Too simple for you to pretend you don't understand:

 

If you choose to ignore your husband and his need for sex and intimacy with you. Then you make a one-sided choice to hamstring the marriage. You force a painful decision on your husband - either celibacy, divorce, or an affair. There is no "work" to be done. The husband is a simple creature to keep happy. Don't cry to your Starbucks swilling Oprah followers later and lambast him for not having "worked" on the marriage. That's a bullsh*t smokescreen to justify your actions. If he pointed out that he the lack of sex is a problem and you blew it off - then accept the risk you take. You knew what needed to be done - ou just didn't want to do it.

 

So I'll remind you again - if my wife and I had been having normal sexual relations. If she was even half the wife she was when we were first married, there would be no affair. Guaranteed. No pychodramatic babble, no analysis of the male and female psyche. Just the simple facts. Is it what you want to hear? No. Is it politically correct. Of course not. Is it true? Absolutely.

 

And I'm not alone. I was on a ski trip a few months ago with a few couples. We men went out for drinks and all the other guys were complaining about the exact same thing. Most of their wives are on a countdown and they don't even know it.

 

But they should.

 

[Now that being said - this doesn't apply to women married to genuine as*holes who have affairs even though they have a loving, attentive wife at home. I know there are guys out there like this. If that's the case, then I'm sorry, but leave me out of it. I'm not your ex, I'm not Elliot Spitzer, either.]

 

I know that you'll tryu and take comfort in thinking that I abuse my wife, or that I have a mental disorder - and by extension your WS. Anything to deflect from that awful truth that you had the power this whole time to keep your husband.

 

That's what really bothers you about me and my story. You're forced to actually see the inside of a marriage breaking apart and you don't like the similarities you see in your own marriage. Better you should think that I have ADD (), better hope I'm just a "cake eater", anything!

 

But for your sake, if you value the health of your marriage - you'd do well to listen up, ladies, to the advice I'm about to give you which is better than you deserve - because I know most of you won't know what to do with it:

 

1) When your husband comes home from work - treat the man kindly. He's spent his day with complete morons all day, he hardly needs a sour-faced spouse to come home to at the end of the day. He'll be looking forward to seeing you - not Joe's bar.

 

2) Try and remember what sex was like when you were dating or first married. If you can spend a lousy 1/2 hour every other day re-creating that experience. He'll be home early.

 

3) Do a few small things every so often for him. A 15 minute backrub. Make him his favorite meal every so often just the way he likes it. Compliment him occasionally.

 

That's it. Costs you nothing. Takes less than two hours a week. And no other woman will stand a chance taking his attention away from you.

[Trialbyfire]

That's a one-sided message Scrivdog, full of irony. If your wife can express herself properly, which I hope she can, you might learn something about yourself too.

[twice_shy]

IThat's what really bothers you about me and my story. You're forced to actually see the inside of a marriage breaking apart and you don't like the similarities you see in your own marriage. Better you should think that I have ADD (), better hope I'm just a "cake eater", anything!

 

No, what bothers me about your story is your view on women and marriage.

 

What bothers me about your story is you put this all on your wife. You justify your having sex with other women with no responsibility for your actions. You blame your wife, period.

 

THAT is what bothers me about your story. Your sense of entitlement to stick your thing in other women.

[Mr. Lucky]

That's a one-sided message Scrivdog, full of irony.

I agree. But much of what he says is true...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

I agree. But much of what he says is true...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

So true.

 

While it does not justify an affair, the fact is that many here who protest his affair do so because they themselves have been betrayed. And many of them could have perhaps prevented such an affair?

 

Never will I justify an affair, but always I can understand what caused many affairs.

[Mustang Sally]

Scriv -

I have gathered from your posts on LS that your cheating has gone on for awhile.

Do you think that your wife really had no idea what was going on the whole time? Or do you think she had an inkling, but rather chose to deny it and now can't deny any longer?

Just wondering. Thanks.

[Scrivdog]

Scriv -

I have gathered from your posts on LS that your cheating has gone on for awhile.

Do you think that your wife really had no idea what was going on the whole time? Or do you think she had an inkling, but rather chose to deny it and now can't deny any longer?

Just wondering. Thanks.

 

Given her reaction - I suspect she didn't know. If she would have ever asked me point-blank if I was having an affair, I would have told her.

[Kasan]

I am wondering Scrivdog where do you think this is going to go? Have lawyers been contacted?

[Mustang Sally]

But she had to know that you two were not "hunky dory," as they say, right? I mean, I'm sure - even if you were trying your best not to, there was an emotional distance there, right? I would think there had to be, given the sexless/low-sex state of the marriage, that you have alluded to. Would that be a fair assumption?

[Scrivdog]

I am wondering Scrivdog where do you think this is going to go? Have lawyers been contacted?

 

Too early to say. And no - at least not on my end. She can get a lawyer if she wants, but she knows that's pointless. I'll voluntarily give her more than a lawyer can get. I think she knows that and sees no urgency in the matter.

[Scrivdog]

But she had to know that you two were not "hunky dory," as they say, right? I mean, I'm sure - even if you were trying your best not to, there was an emotional distance there, right? I would think there had to be, given the sexless/low-sex state of the marriage, that you have alluded to. Would that be a fair assumption?

 

Yes - I'd say that's pretty accurate.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree. But much of what he says is true...

 

Mr. Lucky

While I don't condone withholding, if the marriage has deteriorated to the point of withholding, it doesn't say much for the female needs being met.

 

Scrivdog's message is obnoxious. Spread'em or we'll cheat. Give me a break. Unless you're an animal, you're capable of addressing the issue to begin with or if it's a non-negotiable in that love has died, then walk, like a mature adult.

 

Note he continues to control her by telling her that financially, he'll better any offer that a lawyer can get her. I disagree. If I were her, with his attitude, I'd take him to the cleaners so he and OW could enjoy candlelit ramen meals.

[Ladyjane14]

I can say this much - I wish that asshat Elliot Spitzer had checked with me first before coming out with his infidelities. Now the TV is 24/hrs a day Elliot Spitzer, his hookers, and his poor wife. Damn - that guy and his terrible timing.

 

Eliot Spitzer is a tool.

 

The wife is going through her cycles right now. Angry, calm, angry, etc. Stands to reason since she didn't have all the facts like I've had all this time. Sooo I'm going through the Spanish inquisition deal - but I'm answering all her questions - after all it's her right to know.

 

Normal. It'll be a few weeks before she makes progress. But be warned, there might be some false starts. She might head down one path, thinking she wants it THIS way.. only to change her mind in a day or two and want it THAT way. Routine stuff.

 

...if my wife and I had been having normal sexual relations. If she was even half the wife she was when we were first married, there would be no affair. Guaranteed....

 

I'm not disagreeing with you. Men are a weird mixture of extreme simpleness and great complexity. It makes no sense to try to apply female thinking to them. That's like getting a dog and treating him like a cat. You just end up with a bad dog.

 

But... it works both ways, Mister.

Back in the day, I was often amazed at my sweetie's inability to put a little EFFORT into getting laid. He wasn't acting AT ALL like the adorable guy I'd married. I mean, all he would've had to do most of the time is just clap his mouth shut and put a cork in what was more or less a constant stream of criticism and bossiness.

 

I think you've got a good point though, when push comes to shove, what we all seem to want most is simply to have the person we originally married back.

[Jess-Belle]

But for your sake, if you value the health of your marriage - you'd do well to listen up, ladies, to the advice I'm about to give you which is better than you deserve - because I know most of you won't know what to do with it:

 

1) When your husband comes home from work - treat the man kindly. He's spent his day with complete morons all day, he hardly needs a sour-faced spouse to come home to at the end of the day. He'll be looking forward to seeing you - not Joe's bar.

 

2) Try and remember what sex was like when you were dating or first married. If you can spend a lousy 1/2 hour every other day re-creating that experience. He'll be home early.

 

3) Do a few small things every so often for him. A 15 minute backrub. Make him his favorite meal every so often just the way he likes it. Compliment him occasionally.

 

That's it. Costs you nothing. Takes less than two hours a week. And no other woman will stand a chance taking his attention away from you.

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Ah yes, the old "treat me good so I won't cheat on you". What an absolute load of rubbish. Total fog talk.

 

I too have a very similar list of things I want from a man. And yes, these are good for the health of the relationship. You start neglecting these things are the relationship begins to deteriorate. This, however, is completely irrelevant to my decision to let some other dude do them in my SO/H's place, or even my desire for that.

 

I can already see my bf's reaction to my telling him something like this Yes baby, I like this, this, that, this, etc. and if you do them, no other man has a chance! WTF? I am so sure he's going to want to treat me well just to make darned sure I don't go out looking for a new peen to jump on :lmao:

 

We contribute to the state of our relationship, within the relationship, and that's it. Neither of us contributes to the other's choice to be a lying backstabbing ass.

 

My bf is not in some secret competition against other men, nor does he have to live under some veiled threat that he will be replaced if he doesn't meet some particular standard. What an utterly ridiculous way to look at relationships, FFS.

[Ladyjane14]

I can already see my bf's reaction to my telling him something like this Yes baby, I like this, this, that, this, etc. and if you do them, no other man has a chance!

 

Actually, you'd both be smart to do exactly that.

"This, this, that, and this" are really your ENs (emotional needs), the basics of being content to stay in a relationship with your partner. Important stuff.