So I told the wife

[nadiaj2727]

I think you're personalizing this issue. While this may be true for you, you can't really generalize internalized feelings and project them on to everyone.

 

Blind_Otter I agree and I should have read your post before writing a long one of my own. Yours sums up everything I was trying to say to Twice-shy LOL.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm curious Mr. Lucky...

 

In theory, how would having an affair as opposed to "walking" be any better of a solution if the affair reults in divorce?

Or does this theory bank on the assumption of 'she/he'll forgive me'?

 

I don't think that when a CS starts the A, they are thinking of the end game. In some instances, that a man would even consider an affair as his "best" option shows how sh*tty his range of choices might be. Again, in "Sophie's Choice" each option was indescribably heart breaking...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trialbyfire]

Judge much?? For the record my dear, you asked if I had any domestic help when my kids were little and I responded that most kids in their early 20's usually don't have the resources to afford domestic help.

 

You brought my children into this discussion and that is all I'm going to say about this to you.

 

I understand that infidelity touches a raw nerve with you, but your husband's reasons for infidelity don't subscribe to the average joe's criteria, which is what this discussion is about.

I think you might be surprised how many people are and can be very selfish. There are degrees of Narcissism. They won't always amount to a disorder but selfishness remains...selfishness.

 

You will find that many cheaters cannot see past their own needs. In essence, believe the world revolves around them. Perhaps it's time to grow up and realize that your actions define you as a person. Once you take a course of action, there will be consequences to that action. Cheating has a ripple effect. Let's see how many people he hurts, particularly his children. You know the ones, the ones he values so much.

[marlena]

Nothing in this entire universe will ever make me believe that cheating is understandable. It's not, it's a conscious thought and action.

 

It is not always a conscious thought and action. You don't just wake up one day and say,"Hey! I think I'll just cheat on my spouse today." At least, most normal people don't.

 

More often than not, it is an action that has been in the making, on a subconscious level, for a very long time.

 

Human beings need the touch of another human being as much as they need to drink and eat in order to thrive. Physical love creates an emotional bond that connects two people in a deep and satisfying relationship that gives meaning to their existence. Not being loved leads to resentment that festers inside the person until it has to absolutely find an outlet.

 

You may say,then, why not simply divorce? Sadly some people do not have the courage or fear divorce and all that it entails. Others may feel guilty leaving their family. The reasons people stay together are numerous and varied.

 

What I find condemnable and selfish is not the person reaching out for love and affection but rather the person who witholds love from his SO and expects him/her to live a life of celibacy.

 

These kind of people should never get married as far as I am concerned.

[Trialbyfire]

It is not always a conscious thought and action. You don't just wake up one day and say,"Hey! I think I'll just cheat on my spouse today." At least, most normal people don't.

 

More often than not, it is an action that has been in the making, on a subconscious level, for a very long time.

 

Human beings need the touch of another human being as much as they need to drink and eat in order to thrive. Physical love creates an emotional bond that connects two people in a deep and satisfying relationship that gives meaning to their existence. Not being loved leads to resentment that festers inside the person until it has to absolutely find an outlet.

 

You may say,then, why not simply divorce? Sadly some people do not have the courage or fear divorce and all that it entails. Others may feel guilty leaving their family. The reasons people stay together are numerous and varied.

 

What I find condemnable and selfish is not the person reaching out for love and affection but rather the person who witholds love from his SO and expects him/her to live a life of celibacy.

 

These kind of people should never get married as far as I am concerned.

People reach out in different ways, for emotional affection. Who's to say who chose not to give, first.

 

Cheating is a conscious action. You do it or you won't. Define yourself.

[cranium]

I think you might be surprised how many people are and can be very selfish. There are degrees of Narcissism. They won't always amount to a disorder but selfishness remains...selfishness.

 

You will find that many cheaters cannot see past their own needs. In essence, believe the world revolves around them. Perhaps it's time to grow up and realize that your actions define you as a person. Once you take a course of action, there will be consequences to that action. Cheating has a ripple effect. Let's see how many people he hurts, particularly his children. You know the ones, the ones he values so much.

 

Sorry, but his wife has been selfish as well. She saw no need to address their sexual relationship to improve emotional intimacy. She set the pace in that regard, controlled that aspect of their relationship.

 

Participating in the marriage to make certain you have a vibrant, satisfying sexual relationship is a conscious action. You do it or you don't. She broke vows just like he did.

[blind_otter]

I think someone had a thread about this on here, but I'm too lazy to look.

 

It seems like men use sexual intimacy to achieve emotional intimacy, while women do the opposite, using emotional intimacy to achieve sexual intimacy.

[Trialbyfire]

Sorry, but his wife has been selfish as well. She saw no need to address their sexual relationship to improve emotional intimacy. She set the pace in that regard, controlled that aspect of their relationship.

 

Participating in the marriage to make certain you have a vibrant, satisfying sexual relationship is a conscious action. You do it or you don't. She broke vows just like he did.

Are women the keeper of the relationship, that they are solely responsible for it? This is a different generation, one where men are held accountable for their portion of the relationship.

 

So what if she did meet his physical needs? Where's the guarantee that he will also meet her needs so she wants to continue meeting his? Mayhaps she fell out of love? This will happen if one partner chooses to always control the relationship.

 

Both participants have to want to fuel a relationship. One falls down, the erosion starts. If it continues that way, the relationship collapses.

 

If one partner cheats, that's it. 9/10 relationships are done like dirt.

[JosieMcCoy]

Is trying to cheat the same as cheating?

[silktricks]

Then you didn't exactly read what I said. Even if a M "survives" infidelity, more than likely things aren't truly 100% ever going to be right for the betrayed. There will always be some part, even if it is a small part of them inside that reels once in a while.

 

I can survive a shark attack, but I may come away from it with no legs. yes, I survived, but i lost something I'll never get back and life won't be the same any longer.

 

This is an assumption that is often made on LS, but not by those of us who have actually experienced the survival of infidelity. When I speak of my marriage surviving I feel that it demeans my marriage, because my marriage now is so very much MORE than it was prior to the infidelity . I've also heard some people say that infidelity is good for a marriage and I heartily disagree with that idea .

 

Any problem - especially any BIG problem that two people put their whole souls into fixing - will bind those people together. When the problem is a big problem in their marriage, if both truly work on the problem together their marriage can be fixed so that it is truly a good marriage - not one with missing limbs - but a good happy marriage for both parties.

[IpAncA]

Soooo....OP I read only your posts minus a couple and wonder what it is you want.

[TMCM]

Sorry, but his wife has been selfish as well. She saw no need to address their sexual relationship to improve emotional intimacy. She set the pace in that regard, controlled that aspect of their relationship.

 

Participating in the marriage to make certain you have a vibrant, satisfying sexual relationship is a conscious action. You do it or you don't. She broke vows just like he did.

 

As a BS it is sometimes hard to accept that one is partially responsible for the marital environment that promotes one spouse to seek the comfort of an OP. Dog's wife's comment 'maybe you should get a girlfriend" can be equally as cruel and thoughtless as when a man tells his wife "I don't care what you do". Sure they are often said in the heat of anger but these words nevertheless can inflict deep emotional wounds and an eventual emotional disconnect if the situation doesn't change for the better.

 

Still the honorable thing would have been for Dog to have filed for divorce before he started his affair with the OW. It is amazing how sometimes when a spouse who has lost all hope and has filed for divorce, the once recalcitrant fellow spouse seems to have an awakening and pleads for another chance. If Dog had done this, his wife would have had a rude awakening that she didn't call the shots after all. In the end thoughtlessness breeds thoughtlessness.

[nadiaj2727]

This is an assumption that is often made on LS, but not by those of us who have actually experienced the survival of infidelity. When I speak of my marriage surviving I feel that it demeans my marriage, because my marriage now is so very much MORE than it was prior to the infidelity . I've also heard some people say that infidelity is good for a marriage and I heartily disagree with that idea .

 

Any problem - especially any BIG problem that two people put their whole souls into fixing - will bind those people together. When the problem is a big problem in their marriage, if both truly work on the problem together their marriage can be fixed so that it is truly a good marriage - not one with missing limbs - but a good happy marriage for both parties.

 

I agree with you silktricks and it's good to see someone else on here who thinks this way. I agree with you that it seems that most people on LS seem to feel that cheating always destroys a marriage, or *should* always end a marriage. Whereas when I read the survivinginfidelity forum, especially the reconciliation one, so many people feel that the cheating can be overcome and in the past if both partners work together to overcome it. I think that shows it's all in the attitudes of both partners. If the spouse who had an affair thinks "what's the use, she'll never trust me again, I'm a horrible person" and/or the betrayed spouse says "what's the use, I'll never be able to trust him again, he'll keep cheating no matter what"... well, those thoughts might become reality. But if both partners say "I love this person and my horribly bad decision (or my spouse's horribly bad decision) does not change that fact. I think we can get through this together, even if it's going to be rough for awhile and even though I realize the FACT that this happened will never go away. I think there is still something in this marriage worth saving"... well then, those thoughts might become reality too.

 

Thank you for sharing another example of someone who believes marriages can survive, and even thrive, after infidelity. Yours is an uplifting and encouraging perspective.

[Trialbyfire]

Is trying to cheat the same as cheating?

Once there's serious intent to act, it's cheating. That he failed to connect is meaningless.

[angie2443]

So, he's to divorce her- possibly lose his house, alot of money, and miss being with his kids at least half the time because she doesn't want to meet his sexual needs????? How fair is that exactly?????

 

It's not always a black or white situation.

 

Yes, he should divorce his wife because this marraige is damaging to the kids!! It's damaging to the wife, and apparently damaging to him. It is he!! to watch your family slowly be destroyed. There is no hope for the marriage. It will be better to get the divorce and let every get on with the healing.

[Darth Vader]

Because its clear by his posts he thinks all women just want to dump sex once they are married. Don't take my word for it, sift through his posts. Its like a broken record. He constantly rants about women and lack of sex once the vows are spoken.

 

He has it in his head and he isn't going to listen to anyone. Why bash? Well sorry, it pisses me off. Alot of the rest of us men who wouldn't stoop to the levels like he does are judged by the rest of the jerks out there.

 

sorry, it pisses me off.

 

 

I have to agree. I've heard the ol "All Men are Pigs" crap. People like this is why women think this about men. Kinda screws it all up for the "nice" guys too! Women these days wonder where all the "nice" guys have gone to! I'll tell ya, they're at home with all the doors and windows locked in front of huge LCD tv's thanking God they don't have to put up with all that drama crap! No Worries!

[Darth Vader]

Eliot Spitzer is a tool.

 

 

Which one?:lmao:

[cranium]

Are women the keeper of the relationship, that they are solely responsible for it? This is a different generation, one where men are held accountable for their portion of the relationship.

 

So what if she did meet his physical needs? Where's the guarantee that he will also meet her needs so she wants to continue meeting his? Mayhaps she fell out of love? This will happen if one partner chooses to always control the relationship.

 

Both participants have to want to fuel a relationship. One falls down, the erosion starts. If it continues that way, the relationship collapses.

 

If one partner cheats, that's it. 9/10 relationships are done like dirt.

 

No, she's not solely responsible for the relationship and there are no guarantees. Sexual intimacy is part of the relationship; how does he solely achieve fulfillment here? He doesn't; erosion starts. You said the rest, except the done like dirt part. I've been on both sides and we're still working at it. Neither of us coddles the other.

[Trialbyfire]

No, she's not solely responsible for the relationship and there are no guarantees. Sexual intimacy is part of the relationship; how does he solely achieve fulfillment here? He doesn't; erosion starts. You said the rest, except the done like dirt part. I've been on both sides and we're still working at it. Neither of us coddles the other.

How does she solely achieve fulfillment here?

 

You're a lucky man, if your wife is willing to work on the marriage. Most wouldn't of which I'm one of them. Forever has lost its meaning for me.

[Darth Vader]

I have a feeling that Tony's gonna close this Thread, and soon!

[nadiaj2727]

I have a feeling that Tony's gonna close this Thread, and soon!

 

Why would he close the thread? I feel there's a lot of useful discussion going on...

[Lovelybird]

both wife and husband need service spirit. Pride and selfish (both cheater and cheatee) really fails a marriage

 

If you don't check your own attitude, you are the one lose forever; but if you improve your own attitude, you can improve your future

 

what is so hard for people to look at themselves and say "I made mistakes too, I had wrong attitude too". assume that self is perfect just so out of base

[american-woman]

is put on his BIG BOY panties on and be a man. Im actually tried of hearing how men don`t get any sex for justifying an affair nine out of 10 men state this or use it as a line hoping the other woman will feel sorry for them. Or heres another one. My wife wont wear lingerie. I have heard it all.

For gods sake grow up! Also what is with this garbage a man always needing his ego stroked? He needs to feel admired. Grow up! Thats whats wrong with half the men in this world is they have no self worth. Ya aint gonna find it jumping someones bones Get out there and do something constructive that makes you feel worthwhile and proud of yourself.

 

Ask yourself this question IF your wife doesnt want to have sex with you WHY?

Is its because your good at it?(cough) Are you polite, loving, tender, keeping yourself clean? I could go on and on but you guys get my jest and so do the women.

[TMCM]

is put on his BIG BOY panties on and be a man. Im actually tried of hearing how men don`t get any sex for justifying an affair nine out of 10 men state this or use it as a line hoping the other woman will feel sorry for them. Or heres another one. My wife wont wear lingerie. I have heard it all.

For gods sake grow up! Also what is with this garbage a man always needing his ego stroked? He needs to feel admired. Grow up! Thats whats wrong with half the men in this world is they have no self worth. Ya aint gonna find it jumping someones bones Get out there and do something constructive that makes you feel worthwhile and proud of yourself.

 

Ask yourself this question IF your wife doesnt want to have sex with you WHY?

Is its because your good at it?(cough) Are you polite, loving, tender, keeping yourself clean? I could go on and on but you guys get my jest and so do the women.

 

I agree and when a man or a woman has given it his/her all for a few years and the results are the same then the best thing to do is to divorce his/her spouse not have an affair. Affairs don't solve anything and they just end up zapping the energy needed to attempt to resolve deep emotional/sexual dissatisfaction issues and further prolong the misery. Furthermore, affairs cloud serious issues from each spouse that need to be addressed and resolve if they are going to be great spouses, either together or with a future SO. Granted that when children are involved, a divorce is a very life altering experience but there is more a chance to create good will between exes when a marriage has been terminated without an affair. The same cannot be said for most marriages that end because of an affair. Too bad that men and women don't think about this when they make the choice to have an affair.

[Trialbyfire]

is put on his BIG BOY panties on

I believe those are called pull-ups. "I'm a big boy now."