So I told the wife

[DogMetal]

It comes across more as apathetic disconnect to me, like Scriv has just shut down

I agree with this. He wants to display control and appear to be well thought out, yet it doesn't sound like he thought everything out when he revealed what he did, nor does he appear sorry. It's like it's all about him and only him.

[eeyore1980]

Yeah she needs to find one of those men some of you ladies talk about that never want to sex up their wives. That may be the ticket for both of them.

 

Yeah, if she truly is one of those women who have little to no interest in sex, that might be the ticket.

 

But maybe she doesn't want to have sex because you are such a turn-off. Most women need that emotional attachment to be able to really get into sex, and just maybe she got tired of being treated as little more than a penis receptacle for you. Maybe she does all kinds of things for you that go unnoticed and unappreciated, meanwhile it's just nag, nag, nag over "you aren't meeting my sexual needs". Are you meeting her emotional needs? Are you?

 

I hope she dumps you. I know you say you don't care, and why should you? You have had the luxury of planning and preparing, behind her back, the end of the marriage, with no consideration of letting her in on the little secret, I mean, why should you, it's not like it's her marriage, too. No, this is all about you, it always has been, and it always will be, and the best thing she can do for herself is cut and run.

[Ladyjane14]

I happen to know that she's terrified of divorce - but I'm not sure exactly why.

 

Just a thought... but it could be the kids. Sometimes women have trouble balancing their emotional energy between mate and offspring. We fall "in love" with our babies, you know.

It's the same sort of biochemical response we talk about so often when we discuss Infatuation. It's a powerful thing with the potential to affect good judgment.

 

Mothering can stimulate latent anxieties as well, and a good many of us end up hypervigilant and irrationally worried. Hey, it happened to me.

 

Underneath it all though, love is often still there in full for the mate. It's just suppressed.

 

I don't know if there's an issue of culpability per se here. I mean I don't really want to get into who is at fault and who isn't. That changes nothing.

 

I don't think it's so much a matter of pointing fingers in anger, Scriv. But... when something like this happens, doing the postmortem on the relationship failure is an important step in determining where to go from there. You can't fix a problem you haven't identified. And while it was singularly YOUR choice to seek outside the marriage, your wife shares culpability with you in the pre-affair state of the marriage.

 

I mean, we're not talking about "score-keeping". We're talking about taking a good, hard, honest look and seeing what went wrong. Nobody's 100% innocent here.

 

Of course - you're right, LJ. I see OW once every 3-4 weeks as I travel out of state that often for business for a week at a time. I don't need to dump anybody that doesn't deserved to be dumped. At least not yet. If W asks me to dump her because she'd like us to start something - then sure. But if she wants me to dump her out of spite - then I'd have to think about it.

 

Problem is, I think you might be inadvertently decreasing the odds that your wife might want to "start something" by keeping the OW in the picture. A gesture of good will on your part might go a long way right about now.

 

I'm of course a little on edge - but I'm not as stressed as one might think. I'm very much in a "let the chips fall where they may" mode right now.

 

From here, it looks like you've taken a passive stance just waiting to see what your wife will do. But I have to ask you... do you think it's fair to any of you if you withhold to the degree she can't even see your preferences?

I mean, it's understandable that you want her to step up to the plate, but for goodness sakes, let's make sure she knows where to find it. It wouldn't hurt you to dust the thing off so it's visible.

 

I'm not bad. Neither is W or even OW.

 

I was being a bit facetious earlier ... but there's some truth there too. In terms of being a monogamous spouse, you weren't exactly an angel you know. As I said earlier, nobody's innocent here. It's important to figure out where things went wrong... otherwise, regardless of the outcome of the marriage, the baggage remains.

 

And I'll PM you my thoughts on "even OW". 'Cause we'll have a firestorm and a change of topic if I post 'em here.

Edited March 11, 2008 by Ladyjane14

[twice_shy]

I'm glad you told your wife. Balls are now in her court...

 

ya, his balls, and they just might wind up in a vice. Unless, that is, if she doesn't have a backbone and plays the submissive role and lets him walk all over her.

[Scrivdog]

Yeah, if she truly is one of those women who have little to no interest in sex, that might be the ticket.

 

But maybe she doesn't want to have sex because you are such a turn-off. Most women need that emotional attachment to be able to really get into sex, and just maybe she got tired of being treated as little more than a penis receptacle for you. Maybe she does all kinds of things for you that go unnoticed and unappreciated, meanwhile it's just nag, nag, nag over "you aren't meeting my sexual needs". Are you meeting her emotional needs? Are you?

 

I hope she dumps you. I know you say you don't care, and why should you? You have had the luxury of planning and preparing, behind her back, the end of the marriage, with no consideration of letting her in on the little secret, I mean, why should you, it's not like it's her marriage, too. No, this is all about you, it always has been, and it always will be, and the best thing she can do for herself is cut and run.

 

<on all fours, wearing a tin-foil hat and trying to find the hidden web cam>

[Mustang Sally]

<on all fours, wearing a tin-foil hat and trying to find the hidden web cam>

 

For some crazy reason, I do like you, Scriv.

 

I'm glad you are listening to LJ. She always has a great perspective.

Good luck with it. I'm sure it's rarely as "simple" as it may appear to those not involved directly.

[Trialbyfire]

There are situations where there's no recovering from hurt given and received. Sometimes you have to call it a day and find someone who can make you happy.

 

I'm not impressed by the way you handled your hurt Scrivdog. Lashing out does nothing to repair a marriage. I guess you chose the selfish course of action by lashing out with an affair. I don't care what she's done to you. It's your actions that define you as a man. I don't see much man here.

[american-woman]

YOU SAY NO ONES AT FAULT? Its your fault, your the one having the affair. Your having an affair because YOU don`t get enough lovin at home? Oh poor baby. There is NO reason for any spouse to have an affair your just trying to justify your actions. If and I say IF you loved your wife you would have been doing anything in your power to seek help in your marriage.

But as i have read your post you seem to be the kinda guy who lets everyone do your work for you that way the blame wont be put on you. Man what a GEM.

 

I say bring you wife here and her her read your posts. Im sure she`ll make a smart decision and a better one too.

[eeyore1980]

<on all fours, wearing a tin-foil hat and trying to find the hidden web cam>

 

I don't need a webcam, I read most of your posts before I responded. Not just in this thread. You come across as very selfish. Most selfish people are incapable of recognizing how much of the mess they find themselves in is created by them. They would much rather blame it on others. Sound familiar?

[eeyore1980]

 

For some crazy reason, I do like you, Scriv.

 

I'm glad you are listening to LJ. She always has a great perspective.

Good luck with it. I'm sure it's rarely as "simple" as it may appear to those not involved directly.

 

On the other hand, I am just as sure it is usually a lot more simple than those directly involved like to admit.

[Hard2Think]

I got my fingers crossed for you. I'm wondering .. do you actually want her to want to work it out, or would you be relieved if she wanted a divorce? It's hard to tell from your posts.

[JamesM]

Your having an affair because YOU don`t get enough lovin at home? Oh poor baby. There is NO reason for any spouse to have an affair your just trying to justify your actions. If and I say IF you loved your wife you would have been doing anything in your power to seek help in your marriage.

 

Actually this is not true. While I do not condone affairs, there ARE reasons that compel someone to choose an affair. By saying this, you make it sound like Scrivdog's wife has no blame for this situation. This is false.

 

She could have better prevented an affair by showing her husband that she loves him and respects him. Marriage is not all one-sided. It is not simply a situation where someone can refuse sex based on whatever reason, and then sit back and say "he cheated on me." Cheating is done two ways...seeking sex elsewhere or by withholding sex. Sex is a necessary part of marriage. Since fidelity is mainly defined as sex within marriage, then this must not only be earned but it must be freely given.

 

If there are reasons that the BS has decided sex is not necessary or that the partner is not worthy of it, then this lack of communication to the other person is one big reason for an affair.

 

If marriage is to thrive and survive, then two people need to communicate their concerns and emotions. ScrivDog's wife chose not to have sex with her husband for whatever reason, BUT she failed to communicate why to her husband. Perhaps if she had taken the responsibility of showing why she no longer felt sexual to him, then there would have been no affair.

 

Simply blaming the cheating spouse for all of the problems is not only unfair, it is incorrect.

[jmargel]

Sciv.. I have to say you are a very weak man. Not only have you cheated but you have this 'i don't care attitude', like you are owed something. You don't even show yourself the respect to even want to fight for your marriage. Unless you put 110% into this marriage, then it won't work. It starts by ending it with this OW now, not waiting for an answer from your wife.

 

If this is the attitude you have taken during your whole marriage then it's understandable why things are the way they are. Communication is the foundation of not only your marriage but your own self well-being. I urge you to get into counseling to help yourself and your wife through this.

[JamesM]

On the other hand, I am just as sure it is usually a lot more simple than those directly involved like to admit.

 

It is very simple. One person decided that the other person's feelings were not important, and the decision was reciprocated, and back and forth it went.

 

Why was ScrivDog sexually frustrated? This answer may show what happened here.

 

Why did the wife no longer have interest in sex? This answer will show the other side.

 

An affair is most often a response of anger and frustration. While there are many serial adulterers (those who have multiple affairs due to personal needy issues), many are simply a decision that is made at a weak time in life. It is a result of inward anger that has been ignored. Instead of communicating this frustration to the seemingly uncaring spouse, the partner chooses to evade the issues and choose another person. Or perhaps he tried to communicate the frustrations to his spouse, but she determined that his needs were of little importance.

 

Often (not always) affairs can be blamed on both partners.

[Kasan]

I have thought a lot about this Scrivdog, and I do agree with Mustang Sally, for some perverted reason I like you too.

 

But I will admit that it was hard to watch the inevitable train wreck that I knew would come one day and not feel sorry for both you and your wife. It was evident to me that your revelation day was going to be sooner than later, as you always did maintain that you loved your wife, and your later posts had a different tone in them.

 

I hope that your wreck can be resolved in a way that all will be happy with the outcome whether you stay together or apart.

[abeliever]

I was wondering how his W is now dealing with all of this mess? Again no response to my questions??? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM???

 

Let us know Scriv??

 

abeliever

[Trialbyfire]

Often (not always) affairs can be blamed on both partners.

No, I completely disagree with this James. Affairs cannot be blamed on both partners. It's like saying it's okay for the second child to punch someone on the playground who's been teasing or bullying him/her.

[Jess-Belle]

Or like saying it was my exbf's fault I started taking E to escape my depression over my relationship with him.

[Trialbyfire]

Or like saying it was my exbf's fault I started taking E to escape my depression over my relationship with him.

Exactly.

 

Victim mentality. She made me do it.

[JamesM]

No, I completely disagree with this James. Affairs cannot be blamed on both partners. It's like saying it's okay for the second child to punch someone on the playground who's been teasing or bullying him/her.

 

But if that child does punch the teasing child, can we say that this was totally his or her fault?

 

No, for if the teasing had never occurred, the punch would never have happened. BUT the point that this is the wrong response to the teasing...yes, that is correct.

 

Affairs are usually a response that is an incorrect one. However, if the marriage had been going great (in many cases not all), then the affair would not have been desirable.

 

Affairs result from a poor choice. But the choice is made easier or more difficult by our circumstances in life.

 

ScrivDog is like the child who punched the bully. It may have been the wrong response, but would anyone argue that the punch was not provoked?

[Trialbyfire]

But if that child does punch the teasing child, can we say that this was totally his or her fault?

 

No, for if the teasing had never occurred, the punch would never have happened. BUT the point that this is the wrong response to the teasing...yes, that is correct.

 

Affairs are usually a response that is an incorrect one. However, if the marriage had been going great (in many cases not all), then the affair would not have been desirable.

 

Affairs result from a poor choice. But the choice is made easier or more difficult by our circumstances in life.

 

ScrivDog is like the child who punched the bully. It may have been the wrong response, but would anyone argue that the punch was not provoked?

There are always two sides to any equation. Women need to feel loved and appreciated, just like men do. Were her needs met? If not, why not?

[whichwayisup]

Often (not always) affairs can be blamed on both partners.

 

But affairs are choices. Sure, they both are responsible for their part in the problems in the marriage, but she certainly didn't force him to cheat. The state of their marriage may have made him justify a reason to cheat, but that doesn't make it right at all.

 

Communication breakdown......

[JamesM]

Exactly.

 

Victim mentality. She made me do it.

 

No, that is not what I am saying. However, one cannot argue that the circumstances made it easier to choose the wrong response.

 

By taking the opposite stance, we say that the BS can do anything within the bounds of marriage such as withholding sex, and the frustrated spouse must simply choose to accept it. If he decides to leave, then he must have loved sex more than her. If he chooses an affair, he must have not loved her. Yet one can nicely ignore the fact that she showed this same lack of love by withholding sex and not communicating why. The FS cannot change his or her ways if the wrongness of those ways is not explained.

 

While I think I have shown many times that I do not condone any affair, and I think a man or woman who chooses an affair is running from his or her issues rather than facing them, I can also say unequivocally that both people in a marriage are usually at fault when an affair occurs.

[eeyore1980]

It is very simple. One person decided that the other person's feelings were not important, and the decision was reciprocated, and back and forth it went.

 

Why was ScrivDog sexually frustrated? This answer may show what happened here.

 

Why did the wife no longer have interest in sex? This answer will show the other side.

 

An affair is most often a response of anger and frustration. While there are many serial adulterers (those who have multiple affairs due to personal needy issues), many are simply a decision that is made at a weak time in life. It is a result of inward anger that has been ignored. Instead of communicating this frustration to the seemingly uncaring spouse, the partner chooses to evade the issues and choose another person. Or perhaps he tried to communicate the frustrations to his spouse, but she determined that his needs were of little importance.

 

Often (not always) affairs can be blamed on both partners.

 

Read his other posts, he is a serial adulterer. All the excuses you have listed for someone cheating could also be applied to the person who has seemingly lost their desire for sex. Honestly, even being a man, how much sex would you want to have with a partner who is constantly disrespecting you, nagging you, etc.

I'm not saying that is the case here, but that would be my first guess after reading so many posts that come across as me, me, me, me.

[JamesM]

But affairs are choices. Sure, they both are responsible for their part in the problems in the marriage, but she certainly didn't force him to cheat. The state of their marriage may have made him justify a reason to cheat, but that doesn't make it right at all.

 

Communication breakdown......

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

My point is that we like to vilify ScrivDog and feel sorry for the wife, but yet we know on some other level that she holds some responsibility for this choice.

 

She may not have forced him to choose an affair, but her lack of communication regarding her lack of sexual interest certainly contributed to his choice.