Ultimatum

[junebug23]

I'm another 30 something woman who has given 8 years of her life to one man, seen him through school to land himself a really good job that does not pay that well now but will in the future.

 

He keeps making excuses about the marriage issue. We are already engaged but he won't commit to a date and the whole thing is getting a little stale. We had planned to get married in June but unfortunately that is when he landed his job so we've had to postpone and postpone and postpone.

 

1. We are in different countries at the moment and we both agreed that once we are married we will live together in the same country so someone is going to have to make a sacrifice of their career and start over. It's not hard to figure who it's going to be at this stage. I'm not bothered because I really have always landed on my feet and I think this infuriates him some.

 

2. All the pressure of everyone wanting to know when the date is overwhelming and not knowing is driving me crazy. I'm crying about it every day and thus gained weight (up to 170) and depression has set in.

 

3. He feels that he will not be able to support me as a husband should, I've assured him that this is not as important as he's making it out to be because who in this day and age is able to live on one income ??? not many of us that's for sure. We've already decided that we do not want any children.

 

4 He says that he wants to find a place for us to live before we get married but says that he cannot afford to pay that amount of rent at the moment.

 

5. I've had to give up the idea of a large or even a small wedding and have settled for him, I and two witnesses because he does not want a big wedding and we cannot afford it.

 

So I issued an ultimatum and told him that if he does not pick a suitable date for us to be married within the next three months there will be no wedding. I'm sacred but I had to do something. Getting married is supposed to be a happy event isn't it ? Why am I crying every time I think of it ?

 

Is there anyone else out there who has been through the same thing ? has your ultimatum worked ? If not how do you cut your losses and move on after 8 years ?

[Tony T]

Usually, I'm against ultimatums but after eight years of being together, I think the one you have presented is in order. And you ought not to be nervous about it. If he says "no", you can rejoice that you have flushed him out and you need not waste anymore of your time on a guy who won't making that ultimate commitment to you.

 

Not meaning to offend, but at this point your weight will not be a great motivation for him to say yes. He may be too shy to tell you but if you shave off some pounds you may find him lots more receptive, especially when other men start paying you more attention than he does. And it'll be good for your health. I know depression is not fun, that's why you need to resolve this right away and get on with your life.