What are your thought on an open relationship?

[nashua]

Just this weekend, my boyfriend and I started discussing potentially opening up our relationship to date other people. It's not because he wants to see other people, but because he knows he cannot give me what I want which is commitment and security. We've been together over 3 years now and he is still married and for some reason will not divorce his W although they've been separated for 4 years and are great friends. The fact that he will not divorce (yet, although he says he's working on it) and commit to me upsets me and so it was his idea for me to maybe start seeing others. He feels bad that he is not meeting my needs, and feels that if we keep it open, I will atleast have the potential to meet someone who can. I think he is being very generous about it because I know he will not date others and that he is doing this just for me. He says he is very happy with the way our relationship is right now, but knows i am not. He thinks this might open his eyes up about me and make him decide if he really is willing to lose me or not.

 

Not sure if this is a good thing, or the beginning of the end. I can't even imagine being with someone else, but at the same time, I kind of thisnk this could be a good idea. I just know I really do not want to lose him.

 

Any insight would be helpful. Thanks in advance

[blair08]

Why not just free yourself from him completley?

 

You should be able to be free to see who you want when you want. And maybe possibly even meet someone who can give you what it is you want/need. As long as you are still attached to him, you will probably not be able to meet someone who can give you what you want. Just my 2 cents.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I did the open marriage thing. exH wanted an open marriage to explore his feelings for someone else. I agreed. He dated, I didn't. He encouraged me to go out with this one guy, and I fell in love with him. exH and I decided to separate for a variety of issues. I guess what we both wanted ultimately was to move on but we didn't know how to do it, so we held on to what we did have and called it an 'open marriage'. It wasn't an open marriage so much as it was a slow divorce. A lot of couples who initiate the 'open' part after having it 'closed' for a while are on the way out, they just don't know it yet. It usually ends with one or both partners falling in love with someone else and through that finding the strength to let go.

 

I don't know of many men who are willing to have the women they love date other guys, particularly if they weren't ok with it before. They generally only do that when they themselves are ready to begin letting go.

 

It could well be that MM knows that he is approaching the crossroads in this relationship with you, and he knows which direction he is planning on taking - that is, the opposite of the one you want him to take. This 'open' stage could just be his way of letting you go slowly and hoping you'll find someone else so that he can not feel quite so guilty for not being able to give you what you need.

 

I think your MM is walking away slowly, or at the very least getting ready to. I think with time, and especially if you find someone else who better meets your needs you will have the strength to walk away as well.

 

Will MM realize what he is losing and come through with you? I would hope that he would see what he has without having to give it away to another man, but that's just me. I would want a man to see my worth without having to do that.

 

On an unrelated(?) note, how did the client thing go?

[nashua]

Why not just free yourself from him completley?

 

You should be able to be free to see who you want when you want. And maybe possibly even meet someone who can give you what it is you want/need. As long as you are still attached to him, you will probably not be able to meet someone who can give you what you want. Just my 2 cents.

 

I guess because I just don't want to. I love him and would love to be with him and have hope that he might "wake up" and see what he has to lose. I understand what you are saying though. And it is good advice. It's definately something for me to consider.

[twice_shy]

Just this weekend, my boyfriend and I started discussing potentially opening up our relationship to date other people. It's not because he wants to see other people

 

No, its to keep you on the side.

 

 

but because he knows he cannot give me what I want which is commitment and security.

 

Then you should be looking for what you want.

 

 

We've been together over 3 years now and he is still married and for some reason will not divorce his W although they've been separated for 4 years and are great friends.

 

Oh, he is married. Geez. People never cease to amaze me.

 

If you want committment, why are you with a married man? How would you like it to have the committment you want, only to have your man messing around with someone else? I don't think you'd like it too much.

 

That right there shows me he's a jerk. He is cheating on his wife. What a guy!!

 

 

The fact that he will not divorce (yet, although he says he's working on it) and commit to me upsets me and so it was his idea for me to maybe start seeing others.

 

He is married and cheating, and you expect committment from a "man" like this?? Has anyone smacked you upside the head lately to wake you up?

 

 

He feels bad that he is not meeting my needs, and feels that if we keep it open, I will atleast have the potential to meet someone who can.

 

 

You have that potential anyway. Wanna know why he wants to keep it open? its because that way he can stay married and keep his lay on the side.

 

 

I think he is being very generous about it because I know he will not date others and that he is doing this just for me.

 

Oh but of course , see the above comment.

 

 

 

He says he is very happy with the way our relationship is right now, but knows i am not. He thinks this might open his eyes up about me and make him decide if he really is willing to lose me or not.

 

Not sure if this is a good thing, or the beginning of the end. I can't even imagine being with someone else, but at the same time, I kind of thisnk this could be a good idea. I just know I really do not want to lose him.

 

Any insight would be helpful. Thanks in advance

 

Lets see, he is married, but he won't divorce for you. he is cheating on his wife, but you see him as some sort of "catch".

You don't want to lose him, yet you think seeing other people might be good.

 

excuse me while I .

 

If you want committment, then bedding down someone elses husband isn't really the way to find a committment minded guy. Because this guy doesn't know the meaning of the word.

 

Rather than an open relationship, how about growing the female equivalent of a set of balls, and ditching him, restoring a little dignity to your life, and go out and find a good man. This guy clearly is no such thing.

Edited March 10, 2008 by twice_shy

[twice_shy]

here is a question.

 

Let say you go out and start dating. And you find a good guy, but you still are sleeping with this married man on the side. What do you think this other guy is gonna say?

[nashua]

I did the open marriage thing. exH wanted an open marriage to explore his feelings for someone else. I agreed. He dated, I didn't. He encouraged me to go out with this one guy, and I fell in love with him. exH and I decided to separate for a variety of issues. I guess what we both wanted ultimately was to move on but we didn't know how to do it, so we held on to what we did have and called it an 'open marriage'. It wasn't an open marriage so much as it was a slow divorce. A lot of couples who initiate the 'open' part after having it 'closed' for a while are on the way out, they just don't know it yet. It usually ends with one or both partners falling in love with someone else and through that finding the strength to let go.

 

I don't know of many men who are willing to have the women they love date other guys, particularly if they weren't ok with it before. They generally only do that when they themselves are ready to begin letting go.

 

It could well be that MM knows that he is approaching the crossroads in this relationship with you, and he knows which direction he is planning on taking - that is, the opposite of the one you want him to take. This 'open' stage could just be his way of letting you go slowly and hoping you'll find someone else so that he can not feel quite so guilty for not being able to give you what you need.

 

I think your MM is walking away slowly, or at the very least getting ready to. I think with time, and especially if you find someone else who better meets your needs you will have the strength to walk away as well.

 

Will MM realize what he is losing and come through with you? I would hope that he would see what he has without having to give it away to another man, but that's just me. I would want a man to see my worth without having to do that.

 

On an unrelated(?) note, how did the client thing go?

 

Thanks for this, although it brings me great sadness to read. As far as client, today is the big day. I'll let you know all about it after it happens. In all honesty, I feel kind of sick and anxous about it especially after the chat with boyfriend about opening it up. Uggh....Maybe after lunch date #2, I'll feel better. Thanks, LB.

[quankanne]

I think an open relationship in a marriage (or otherwise committed, monogamous relationship) is deadly because it invites trouble.

 

however, in an instance like yours, I think it's inevitable, because the guy still wants to be married no matter how much he professes to care about you. And my guess is that at some point, you're going to have an epiphany about your married lover, that you honestly deserve more than he's willing to give, though at this point you sound content with what he offers. An open relationship with him will definitely open your eyes to the idea that he's not really such a great catch because you want something he is unable to provide.