Where I am

[Sandbox10]

Here's my deal---

 

Wife and I are both in our early 30s. We've been married four years and together for about seven. I recently finished my law degree and was FINALLY able to land a job after 3 yrs of being supported exclusively by my wife. Law school was difficult, and to be fair, my wife spent a significant time by alone while I slaved away in the library. Even since graduating, I have been busy studying for the bar examination. When I wasn't studying, I mainly wanted to sit and vege out.

 

About a month ago, I began to suspect that my wife was having an affair. Shortly thereafter, I discovered incriminating evidence and confronted her. My wife admitted to the affair, swore that it was the only time she'd ever been unfaithful, and claimed that she had broken it off with the OM approximately 2 weeks before I had begun to investigate her in earnest (thus there was no relationship between my suspicions and the dissolution of the affair). Affair apparently went on for about 3 months. Wife told me that she had been unhappy for quite some time, but had never wanted to lay everything on me while I was finishing school, studying for the state bar exam, etc.

 

My wife had become active in several community theater groups in the area, and the OM was a actor that she had met during one of the shows. Wife told me that she felt a connection with OM that she had not felt with more for a while, and she enjoyed someone who shared her appreciation of the fine arts. Wife ultimately claimed that she felt the affair was unfair to her, to me and to OM, and that is why she ended it. She also told me that she planned on having a sit-down talk with me in the beginning of March, after I had taken the bar examination in a neighboring state, but that my discovery had moved up the time table!

 

This is my 2nd marriage. The 1st one ended when I discovered that my wife had been having an affair with her boss at work. I'd watched my mother suffer through an adulterous relationship, and I had developed a "once a cheater, always a cheater" policy. I refused my first wife's repeated pleas for forgiveness and reconciliation and divorced her. I had always told my wife that cheating was the one unforgivable thing that she could ever do, and I think I carry some resentment towards my first wife with me to this day . . .

 

However, since I am now older (for sure) and wiser (hopefully), I decided to revisit my zero-tolerance policy. I decided that I still loved her, and that I wanted to try and work things out. My wife has expressed sorrow for hurting me and a desire to work things out. I told her she must have absolutely no contact with OM ever again, and she agreed. We've both been trying to work on our shortcomings, improve communication and spend more time together. We have our first trip to the MC tomorrow.

 

I am unsure whether I am doing the right thing.

 

--I absolutely do not trust her. She was allowed herself to be thoroughly vetted, and I have not caught her in any lies. Nevertheless, I have obsessively gone through past phone records, text messages, e-mails, etc. I am convinced that she has not done anything wrong since the confrontation, yet I am haunted by the fact that something may yet go on. It makes me crazy, and I wonder if I will ever trust her again.

 

--I am worried about being "a bitch." Meaning, I was the one who was screwed over by her infidelity, but I find myself going out of my way to make sure she is happy and that the underlying problems that we were having are getting corrected. This is obviously necessary for both of us if we are going to save the marriage, but I feel like she should also be doing something to make up for her infidelity. What should she do? I don't know. I sometimes feel like she may have gotten what she wanted by cheated---I'm now more focused on meeting her needs than I was before, thus her affair may appear to have been a useful tool in husband-improvement. I don't know if that makes any sense or not . . .

 

--Sex has been very weird for me---no performance woes as of yet, but I have to consciously banish images of her and the OM from my mind. These images jump into my head at various times throughout the day. Also, I am still just as angry with OM as the day I found out what was going on. I gave a thorough (if ultimately unproductive) beating to wife #1's OM, and I often fantasize about doing the same thing this time around. Once again though, older and wiser seems to be prevailing.

[Nomad1]

That was inexcusable! Cut her loose. I would divorce her straightaway. She has disrespected you and it is only a matter of time before she does it again, probably with the same man she said she has ended things with. I am sorry to say that your marriage is doomed to fail sooner or later. Damn,it has already failed. I would kick her ass out!

 

Nomad1

[Gunny376]

Question?

 

In all of your 19 plus years of formal schooling, training, seminars, ~ of all the newspapers, journals, books, magazines you read?

 

How many did you ~ or have you read about:

 

The differneces between men and women ~ not societial and cultural myth and fallacy? Not assumed differences? Not preceived differences ~ but real and actual differences.

 

What is more how many have your read about "Inter-Geneder Communication?" About romance? About seduction? About marriage and how to make a marriage work? About seduction? About cooking? etc.

 

How many has your wife read? If your and she are like most people? You and she just got married, and assumed you knew all there was to know about getting together, about love, about being a couple, about marriage, about each others role as husband and wife?

 

Your marriage is probally based upon the role-model of your parents ~ or the exact oppossitte? Trouble is? Your "base-model" and her "base model" of what marriage is and is suppose to be about could be complete and total oppissites?

 

Part of the problem with people these days is that they try to do and have it all ~ straight out the gate? They're trying to start and build a career, buy and furnish a house, go to college, grad school ~ law school, med school ~ have children ~ and then wonder why they've drifted apart, and one or the other ~ if not both have cheated? They sit around and wonder why they're stressed out?

 

I would suggest that you invest as much time, effort, energy, and money into your marriage as you have invested into your chossen profession?

 

In a book I read about divorce ~ entitiled "Crazy Times" (Sorry no longer have the book ~ and forgotten the author's name?) it spoke of a guy that joined the corporate world, put in long hours and days at the office.

 

Finally after years of sticking his nose to the grindstone, and years and years he made VP. He came home and proudly told his wife that he made VP.

 

Her response? "That's nice, and so is all everything that comes with it? But to tell the truth? To be honest? I just wish that you had spend more time with the children and I?"

 

My X divorced me because she said that I was a "work-aholic" ~ and she was right! I was a carrer Marine ~ that pulled nine years at Parris Island ~ four of them on the drill field, (Can to Can't) There were weeks that would go by when I wouldn't see my wife and children.

 

After we would get a series of platoons initiated and started ~ there would be more weeks of coming home when my wife and children were asleep when I got home and asleep when I would go back to work. (I get in late and leave early ~ most nights ~ six hours of sleep as I had to be back at work a "o'dark-thirty")

 

I'd give the MC a shot, with a side of IC for both you and wife. I would not use the same couselours for both IC nor MC. Make sure you shot around! It may take

sometime to find the right one(s). If it doesn't feel right? Its not right?

 

Meanwhile ~ you need to do reading ~ and the wife as well ~ which with your background ~ you should make short hash of it.

 

Feb 2006/07 edition of National Geographic Maganzine

 

28 Jan 08 editoni of Time Magazine

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue And Women Need Another Pair Of Shoes"

 

"When Venus and Mars Collide" John Gray, PhD

 

(Goggle the above for the website)

 

"Light Her Fire" Ellen Kriedmen, PhD

 

"Light His Fire" Ellen Kriedmen, PhD

 

(Goggle the above for the website)

 

"Rommance 101"

 

"1001 Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"1000 Things To Do On A Date"

 

"The Five Languages of Love"

 

"DivorceBusting"

 

(Goggle for the website)

 

Marriagebuilders

 

(Goggle for the website)

 

This is your second marriage there "Slick" ~ and your second cheating wife?

 

We can get all boastful and full of pride and point fingers? But for every finger your pointing at the DW? You need to be looking at the three you've got pointing back at yourself in so doing!

 

Like Daddy use to say?

 

Take a "Fool's Advice"

 

I'm 50 years old. I've been married once! You don't get to be old being a fool! There aren't too many old fools runing around! I'll be damned if I'm sitting around the Shady Rest Retirement Home talking about my first, second, third, and fourth or more X Wife!

 

Time to get your Happy @ss in school and learn how to make a marriage work! I want to see you sweat! LOL!

Edited March 11, 2008 by Gunny376

[Ronni_W]

Also, I am still just as angry with OM as the day I found out what was going on.

For some reason that part reminded of the Leonard Cohen song, 'Famous Blue Raincoat'. He sings:

"And what can I tell you my brother, my killer; What can I possibly say?

I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you; I'

m

glad that you stood in my way.

If you ever come by here, for Jane or for me; Your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

Yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes; I thought it was there for good

so

I never tried."

What gets me is 'his' appreciation that at least someone was looking out for 'Jane' when he couldn't make the effort. So I also interpret the rest as him recognizing and accepting his own role in his own misery of betrayal.

 

Not that you ought to start filling up with self-anger...but maybe there is a part that will (eventually?) want to reach the conclusion that OM was the consequence not the cause.

If that makes sense?

 

In any event, my best wishes that counseling will help you both get back on track.