Gwyneth Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I was wondering what you all think--or have experienced... Here are my questions: 1. Do you think the cheater should tell their BS/partner about the affair? 2. If they refuse to tell their BS/partner, should you demand they do, or threaten to tell that person yourself? 3. Is it considered lying even if the cheater never lied about having an affair, but kept it as a dark secret? I'm asking this for a few reasons. I finally spoke to MM and told him he needs to tell his wife abt our affair (I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet--one thing at a time). He told me his wife is pregnant and I told him that coming from a 2x broken family for that reason, he should have known better than to keep having an affair with me while trying for a baby. According to him, he wasn't trying--she was (apparently he wasn't there (sarcasm)). I told him he should not have been having an affair when trying for a baby, and he should have been honest with his wife before bringing an innocent child into this world (unbenownst to him, 3 babies!). He doesn't agree with me. He's playing the in denial card. He also told me he told his wife if they ever split, the kids going with him no matter what (that's what he thinks...) Because she doesn't have a good job (I'd like to see try to pull that one on me). This is where I'm at right now. I told him I need to discuss a very personal matter with him--i think he has assumed what I am planning on telling him, because he looked right at my stomach with a very serious look. I couldn't tell him then and there because it was a public place (at his job). I strongly believe he needs to tell his wife and start having an honest R with her now that baby is on its way (she's due same month as me...). I so wish I could have a drink right now because its one of those days...
curiousnycgirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Gwyneth - What exacty do you hope to get from this man and this relationship? Do you expect him to leave his wife for you? If not then really it's none of your business whether he tells her or not. Do you really want to build a life with this man? Sorry if you've answerd these questions in the past - I don't remember seeing it.
Author Gwyneth Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Oh gosh no! I've never wanted him for more than he was. I've since moved on and have been dating a really great SINGLE man who adores me and cheerishes me. And whom wants to commit himself in me and the babies. MM does not know of new guy yet. Now that I'm preg and abt to enter motherhood, I feel that I understand this f'up situation a lot better and I'd want to know if my husband is cheating on me while I'm home and pregnant, or with our children. That's what matters to me.
blair08 Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 1. Do you think the cheater should tell their BS/partner about the affair? If they are planning on moving forward or staying in their marriage and wanting to work things out with the spouse, then yes, they might need to come clean. 2. If they refuse to tell their BS/partner, should you demand they do, or threaten to tell that person yourself? No one should demand anyone to do anything. If they choose to tell fine, if not fine. Usually the person involved in the affair who opts to tell the wife, its pretty much out of anger/or getting revenge for feeling wronged by the OM or OW. It really serves no purpose because the other person will find out at some point. 3. Is it considered lying even if the cheater never lied about having an affair, but kept it as a dark secret? Its just that, a dark secret. I've since moved on and have been dating a really great SINGLE man who adores me and cheerishes me. And whom wants to commit himself in me and the babies. MM does not know of new guy yet. Seems kind of quick. However if he adores you and want's to be apart of you and your kid(s)lives, go for it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 It is MM's place to tell his wife. You don't have to demand or threaten to tell the wife. She will know one way or the other when either someone picks up on what is going on between you and tells her out of concern, or when he has to go through paternity testing and child support. In a case like this, the W really needs to know because she must now do the same thing you are doing: taking the steps to protect her child legally and financially. Point three is called lying by omission. That is, lying. Understand this - no matter what you and MM are talking about now, all bets are off when he finds out you are pregnant. With twins, even! I think everything will change with that bit of information. I would not listen to another word he says, or plan on anything until you tell him you are pregnant. Everyone's true colors will come out then and it will be easier to go from there.
Woggle Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Of course he should tell his wife and he was wrong for cheating in the first place but why do you seem shocked that he would do this. You claim it was just a fling but your anger suggests that you feel used and played by him. He is scum but you play with snakes and you can expect to get bit. I am not trying to be hostile or anything like that but why is his behavior such a shock?>
Lookingforward Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Once she does find out, I doubt there'll be a R left for him to work on anyway. I think in this case she definitely should know but it doesn't sound like he's too interested in telling her. As LB says, it will all come out eventually whether he likes it or not.
PandorasBox Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Yes, I think a cheater should tell their spouse. They have a right to know. Demanding and threatening, get's people no where. What would be the point to tell? What do you feel you would get from it? It will all come out in the wash when its suppossed to, if it hasn't already. A lie is a lie, and as LB said, its by omission.
silktricks Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 1. Do you think the cheater should tell their BS/partner about the affair? Well, ideally they should never have the affair , but yes. The cheater should tell their married partner about it - especially so if they want the marriage to work. 2. If they refuse to tell their BS/partner, should you demand they do, or threaten to tell that person yourself? No one has the right to demand that anyone else do or say anything. If the affair is still ongoing, I can understand the desire of the OW to tell the BS about the affair, though I don't necessarily agree that they should do so, I can understand. If the affair is over the x-OW should get on with their own life. Interfering in their former lover's life at that point is just that, interference. 3. Is it considered lying even if the cheater never lied about having an affair, but kept it as a dark secret? Of course it's a lie. The assumption is that a marriage partner is NOT having an affair. To have one but keep it secret is still lying. Lying by actions and ommission is nonetheless lying. I strongly believe he needs to tell his wife and start having an honest R with her now that baby is on its way (she's due same month as me...). Well, of course he should. But, it's not any of your business. Stay out of it. How he lives his life and how his wife lives her life is not something you can or should attempt to control. If you really want this man to not have any control over you or your child, then you need to very clearly face the fact that you don't, can't and shouldn't have any control in their lives either.
OpenBook Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I thought your MM was laid-up in the hospital in critical condition because his W pushed him down the stairs. Did I miss something???
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 3. Is it considered lying even if the cheater never lied about having an affair, but kept it as a dark secret? Ofcourse it's lying! Gwen, I hope you aren't thinking of telling his wife. It isn't your place to tell her. All you can do is come clean to him that he is the father of your bab(ies) and let him decide what to do when it comes to telling or not telling.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 He told me his wife is pregnant I don't understand then how she pushed him down a flight of stairs, causing him to be in the hospital. Obviously that story you heard through the grapevine was a load of crap. and I told him that coming from a 2x broken family for that reason, he should have known better than to keep having an affair with me while trying for a baby. That is true, but you could have told him no and ended the affair. You went along willingly, so don't put all this on him. Takes two to have an affair.....
underpants Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I'm missing a key plot point. He has a child from a previous relationship, correct? A son? From someone before his current wife? What happened there? Did that relationship end due to an infidelity or cheating, and how did he get custody of that child. Or is it shared with that child's mother as well? Did he transition from that relationship to his current wife? Trying to keep track.
JackJack Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 1. Yep they should tell their spouse. 2. Its not your place to tell the wife. 3. Yep, it's lying. He told me his wife is pregnant and I told him that coming from a 2x broken family for that reason, he should have known better than to keep having an affair with me while trying for a baby. - Ok...so he should have known better.....but it takes two....you didn't have to continue the affair nor lay down with him. It seems most of this is HIS fault. I see alot of blaming of HIM and his Wife. -Since you have seen him and spoke with him...how did he look? I'm assuming he has fully recovered with bruises and broken things healed? Did you ask him about his hospital stay, and let him know you heard he was knocked down some stairs by his wife?
JamesM Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I was wondering what you all think--or have experienced... Here are my questions: 1. Do you think the cheater should tell their BS/partner about the affair? This depends on the situation. In some cases, yes and others no. 2. If they refuse to tell their BS/partner, should you demand they do, or threaten to tell that person yourself? No. Never. And especially no, if you are the OW or OM. 3. Is it considered lying even if the cheater never lied about having an affair, but kept it as a dark secret? Yes, it would be a lie by omission. I'm asking this for a few reasons. I finally spoke to MM and told him he needs to tell his wife about our affair (I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet--one thing at a time). Yes, he may, but this is his decision...not yours. He may tell in his own time. And while you think it is best to do it now, he knows his situation better than you. I strongly believe he needs to tell his wife and start having an honest R with her now that baby is on its way (she's due same month as me...). With all due respect, I think now is actually NOT a good time. She is pregnant and does not need more burdens to bear. And to top it off, if she learns that you are pregnant while she is pregnant, it will make her pregnancy much less enjoyable. Better she finds out after the birth IMO. However, the fact that you are pregnant will effect his honesty whenever he tells. I so wish I could have a drink right now because its one of those days... You have my sympathy.
nadiaj2727 Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Hi Gwyn. I definitely think that cheating on someone is lie, especially when you're married. You made a promise to that person to only be with them. So if you go back on that promise and change the nature of the relationship without informing them... well then you're just living one big sham, huh! I think that's why spouses feel so incredibly betrayed when they learn of an affair -- it's not just the act of their spouse having sex or being emotionally close with someone else that hurts them. It's the fact that they expected to be able to trust their partner in life. That's what a marriage is supposed to be all about -- us against the world, no matter what. It's the worst kind of feeling when someone you think is the closest person to you ever does something against against you. So to me it's definitely a lie and it's also stealing that person's right to know what kind of relationship they are actually in. It seems like your'e starting to understand that now, which I see as a good step. Now for your specific situation. I can see how you think MM should tell his wife that he had an affair and that you are pregnant. I think his wife has a right to know (and that she did even before you were pregnant) because, as I said above, she has the right to know what kind of a relationship (not a monogamous one) she is in. Then she can make her own decisions about whether or not to stay in it. I can see how you would want to make him tell her or even how you would want to tell her yourself. I would feel like, "you can't just make a baby with me and then act like I don't even exist, and try to just sweep me under a rug." Although it's funny because while the affair was active I would feel like "let's sweep this under the rug until the time is right for us to be in public (if I thought we had a future together), no one has to know yet, because that won't make us look good and that will hurt people." So I guess in a way it's selfish thinking but I can understand it, especially with a child (children) involved. I know I'm going against everyone else here but I disagree that it's not your place to tell, because MM (with your help) made his relationship your business when he started having an affair with you and when you two got pregnant. It is no longer just one relationship, him and his wife. Due to the actions on both of your parts, there is now a third party (you) and actually a second relationship (the affair) going on. (And now there are more parties -- the twins-to-be --- yikes!) Therefore I feel he opened up his marriage to another relationship, not just himself, and he should completely expect his wife to find out by whatever way imaginable. Now that he has made himself the father of your babies (also, with your help), you have every right for everyone in the world to know he is the father if you want to do that. I don't think you should keep it a secret just for her sake or his sake, I think you should decide what is best for you and your babies and do that. Try not to think about what is best for them because -- I'm sorry and it may sound harsh -- it's way too late for that. Now, that doesn't mean I think YOU telling her is the right thing (for either you or her). I think it's the right thing for him to do and that she needs to hear it from him -- but it doesn't sound like he ever does the right thing so there's no use in discussing that. I think as a matter of practicality he will have to tell her, so let him deal with how to do that. I think that telling her will just cause you more stress and heartache. You will know how bad she feels and you will feel guilty or ashamed. Or you will feel defensive, like you had a right to be with him, and that will cause you stress. Etc. (You probably feel all of these things and more anyway, but why compound them by actively creating more drama to deal with). The possibilities for more drama and pain as long as MM is in your life are endless, and I really think that the best think you can do is put MM in your past and move on. But don't just move on and say "oh well, that's that" (obviously you can't do that even if you wanted to, as you're pregnant with his child.) I think, as others here have suggested, you should look at your role in all of this and take responsibility for your actions. I am not saying that to be mean, I think it's a necessary step for you to be a healthy, happy person. Realize that you have made some mistakes here and that you have learned from them and won't repeat them. If thinking about all of this stresses you out, don't do it now, because you have to worry about your babies' health and your health during your pregnancy first, of course. Aim on relaxing and feeling peaceful, not upsetting yourself. But perhaps after they're born you could really take some time to do some introspective thinking (or now... if it helps you understand and process things better, instead of stressing you out). Whatever you do, I think you should realize that MM is toxic to your life and cut all ties with him. All he does is give you drama and heartache.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I actually think if the truth comes out, Gwen might be in for a big surprise that her MM's wife isn't half bad as he's made her out to be. Obviously his wife isn't the devil he's made her out to be as HE certainly had a helping hand so to speak in getting his wife pregnant... The devil in this situation is the MM and it just boggles my mind that Gwen is still hanging onto him. I could be wrong here, but it seems her telling him and wanting him to tell his wife (or she may tell his wife herself) is her way of forcing MM to be with her and her baby's not his wife. It's obvious G hates his wife and really isn't too concerned about her wellbeing. Sorry Gwen I don't mean this harshly as it may read..
EnigmasMuse Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 HOw do you know she doesn't already know and maybe that's why she pushed him down the stairs to begin with? I'm not saying about you being pregnant, but maybe about her knowing about the affair. Anyway, if you are hell bent on telling her, (not saying you are), but if you feel he wont and you want too, then arrange a face to face with her while you're belly's are both sticking out there, and tell her to her face you had an affair with her H and are having his child(ren). How do you think that would go over? I don't know for sure if she sent him tumbling down some stairs or not, but If she did, that tells you what she can do. Personally, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near her if she found out. But, that is just me.
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Has anyone proven this woman caused him to fall down the stairs, or is all this based on a rumor that isn't true?
american-woman Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I was wondering what you all think--or have experienced... Here are my questions: 1. Do you think the cheater should tell their BS/partner about the affair? 2. If they refuse to tell their BS/partner, should you demand they do, or threaten to tell that person yourself? 3. Is it considered lying even if the cheater never lied about having an affair, but kept it as a dark secret? I'm asking this for a few reasons. I finally spoke to MM and told him he needs to tell his wife abt our affair (I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet--one thing at a time). He told me his wife is pregnant and I told him that coming from a 2x broken family for that reason, he should have known better than to keep having an affair with me while trying for a baby. According to him, he wasn't trying--she was (apparently he wasn't there (sarcasm)). I told him he should not have been having an affair when trying for a baby, and he should have been honest with his wife before bringing an innocent child into this world (unbenownst to him, 3 babies!). He doesn't agree with me. He's playing the in denial card. He also told me he told his wife if they ever split, the kids going with him no matter what (that's what he thinks...) Because she doesn't have a good job (I'd like to see try to pull that one on me). This is where I'm at right now. I told him I need to discuss a very personal matter with him--i think he has assumed what I am planning on telling him, because he looked right at my stomach with a very serious look. I couldn't tell him then and there because it was a public place (at his job). I strongly believe he needs to tell his wife and start having an honest R with her now that baby is on its way (she's due same month as me...). I so wish I could have a drink right now because its one of those days... YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THOSE 3 QUESTIONS. TELL HER HOW YOU AND HER WH HAD AN AFFAIR AND CONCEIVED A BABY. BETTER FOR HER TO FIND OUT NOW THAN 2,3,4 YEARS DOWN THE ROAD ABOUT IT. SHES ALREADY WASTED ENOUGH TIME ON HIM. I JUST HOPE AFTER ALL THE BOTH YOU TWO HAVE DONE TO THIS WOMEN THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED A LESSON AND STAY AWAY FROM MARRIED MEN. HOPEFULLY IF THE WIFE DECIDES TO STAY AND REPAIR HER MARRIAGE I HOPE YOU WILL TURN AND WALK AWAY FROM HIM AND RAISE YOUR CHILD THE BEST YOU CAN. BUT IN ALL HONESTY I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE HANDLED YOUR BEING PREGANT IN A BETTER WAY. IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN
JamesM Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I actually think if the truth comes out, Gwen might be in for a big surprise that her MM's wife isn't half bad as he's made her out to be. Obviously his wife isn't the devil he's made her out to be as HE certainly had a helping hand so to speak in getting his wife pregnant... Oh so true. It is always easier to make the wife out to be the one who failed at her duties, but (while I do believe many affairs can be "blamed" on both partners) this MM chose to run from his issues rather than face them like a responsible adult. And yet even then, he lied to both women.
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