When getting married do you tell the exes?

[lexi29]

When my fiance proposed he wanted me to tell EVERYONE. I am friends with two of my exes (well one is a serious ex, we were engaged at one time and the other is one of those people you date when you are really young and it only lasts a few months, I never even slept with him and we have been friends ever since we dated about fourteen years ago). My fiance specifically asked me if I told both of those exes. One will be invited to the wedding (the close friend one) the one I was engaged to will not obviously. My fiance does not have any exes that he keeps in touch with, but he does talk to his son's mother and he has not told her of our engagement yet (got engaged a little less than a month ago) This bugs me a little bit. He says she is not invited to the wedding so there is no reaosn to tell her. Well how about her son is going to have a step mom??

 

I did find out last night that their son told his mother about us getting married but my fiance thinks he was right not to tell her. He siad he hardly talks to her anyway so why should he have shared the news with her? There is another woman who is sort of his son's aunt. she takes his son for a few weeks every summer at at christmas for a week. She lives two hours away. My fiance and this woman don't talk regularly but I would think as excited as he seems to be about this wedding he would tell her. Again his reasoning is she is not invited to the wedding (she's not an ex but she's been in his son's life since he was born-friend of his son's mother and my fiance had spent the weekend at her home with his son several years ago when we were dating. Other than about his son they never talk. He says he sees no reason to call her. He said if his son wants to call her and tell her then he can.

 

 

Back in oct. my fiance left me for his ex from ten years ago. He dated her for 3 short weeks, realized he made a mistake and left her. I didn't take him back for over a month later. There is still a bit of hurt left over from this incident. My fiance has given 110% since this happened and it was a wake up call for both of us. I was hurt by his actions as well as his exes because she befriended me before she started dating him and I trusted her. She would call me and tell me her problems and once she called me when she was considering killing herself. We were "friends" so I thought for about 4 months before she started dating him. So it was a betrayal on both sides. After she started dating him she was furious at me and told me I needed to "learn my place" because I still wanted to have contact with his son who I'd been a part of his life for the last 6 years! She wanted me to forget either of them exisited so she could be happy with them. The entire time of the break up I did not intitiate ANY contact with him. He would contact me. She thought I should do her a favor (like she did for me by backstabbing me??) and just avoid him and his son. During the 3 short weeks she dated him, she told him they should get married right away. This freaked him out and he said she was crazy. He left her and according to him it really crushed her.

 

He doesn't talk to her, doesn't have any reason to. But for some reason, and I know this probably sounds immature, I WANT her to know that we are getting married. She talked so much trash about me, about how he never loved me to begin with etc when she was with him and just expected me to get over 3 + years in a matter of days for HER convenience after she pretended to be my friend (and it was pretty convincing) and then started dating my bf. Now I hold my bf responsible as well and we've worked thru that. But I just wanted her to know that we are happy and what she did has actually made things BETTER. So I told a friend of hers that we are getting married and of course this friend repeated this to her. She texted this friend (she likes to text message) oh my god he is marrying Lexi!!! so obviously some how she knew were were still together. She then told this friend that my fiance had talked about marriage while dating her (the three weeks) which I doubt and that he told her he would NEVER marry me. (why would he even be talking to her about that stuff while he was dating HER)

 

Well I told my fiance that his ex knows and he got upset that I found a way to tell her. He said he doesnt' care that she knows but why did I feel the need to tell her. I told him I want everyone to know and why shouldnt' she know. I didn't expect HIM to tell her (he doesn't talk to her). He was all paranoid and said I am trying to dig up dirt on him. He says there is nothign to find but he feels I am trying to find a way to get out of getting married? Does any of this make sense?

 

All I did was let his ex (through one of her friends) know that he and I were getting married. She was obviously a little upset (she asked why he was marrying me so soon (Yeah this is from the woman who wanted to get married to him after 3 weeks!! and he and I have been dating a total of almost 4 yrs!)

 

Should my fiance be upset that his ex knows? I mean, he did want me to tell my exes.

[Ronni_W]

Yeah...he needs to explain his reasoning for having such different sets of "rules" for the two of you! "Do as I say, not as I do" doesn't even work well for parents and kids, let alone between two adults.

 

To me, the mother of his child --your stepchild-- ought to be told. To me, that seems common sense because it impacts on the child's life. Some would say it is also common courtesy. And if not that, in any case, why the need to keep it secret?

 

Neither do I get why YOU "should" announce your engagement to certain people while he does not have to -- even though you and he share the same type of history with these certain people.

[Aloros]

I don't know. Is this really a battle you want to fight? It seems a little trivial.

 

The biggest issue here, that I can see, is the double standard. Why would he INSIST on you telling your exes, and then NOT want to tell his? It doesn't make sense, and I'd tell him so.

 

When my fiance and I got engaged, we didn't bother telling the exes. I have a stepson-to-be as well, and we didn't tell his mom - I'm sure she'll find out on her own. She's not much in his life anyway. She already knows that we live together and that I am parenting her child. She's not invited to the wedding, so what's the point? She's not a horrible person, she's just not a part of our lives.

 

We actually only told our family and close friends. Everyone else can figure it out through osmosis. I've got a wedding to plan!