She said "I'll get back to you"

[miamiroadster]

Hey guys, I would really appreciate some advice on what to do about this thing that happened to me.

 

Quick summary, I met this real awesome girl in my university randomly on facebook. She contacted me about being part of a political newspaper and we kinda found out that we shared the same interests and hobbies. When we did decide to meet it went really well and I sort of started to like her. The next day we had lunch and talked about this online game that we both play but also other things. Last Saturday, I called her up because I was on campus. She lives in one of the dorms and I would have liked to come over and say Hi. We ended up having lunch at the mall and walking around for a bit. I watched for subtle hints of body language that are done when people like each other. Touching of the hair, laughing, smiling, lots of eye contact. I thought it was great. And I tried to keep a comfortable flirting going on throughout the whole thing.

 

Fast foward to last night, I met up with her to meet another student for the newspaper and hung out all night. She had her laptop and was playing her game and I helped her through. When she was done, I walked her back to her dorm. I felt confident enough to ask her out but prepared myself for the worst if she said no.

 

It went down something like this:

She: Well thank you for walking me back. ( she opens the door to the building)

Me: Hey, hold on a second. (I kept the door open while she turned to me)

Me: Um, I've been meaning to ask you? Would you be interested in having dinner with me sometime?

She: (she looked a bit flustered, like she didn't know what to say or sort o taken by surprise, all smiles but it could have been fake.) Oh, umm, I..I.. When?

Me: Thursday?

She: Thursday? it's just that I have a class early on Friday and I usually have that day set aside to do homework and stuff, I don't even play that night ( the video game). How about I get back to you? there is just so much stuff going on right now?

Me: (smiling, giving her the look like 'I hope you do'.) Okay, good night

 

And I left it at that.

 

I hope she wasn't too surprised. I told her she was really refreshing to speak to a girl who had something to say. She's very intelligent and I told her that she was more then just a pretty face. The thing is. She might also still be sort of having feelings for her ex, which dumped her like 10 days ago. Last night, she even told me, they were talking again. Like he wanted to get back with her, they had been going out for eight months. The guy sounds like a total douche and not her type, dumped her in an email even!

 

So what should I do? She said she would get back to me. I highly doubt this. I think she was trying to be nice and not say "no" and be afraid to hurt me. Was it because I did it to soon? Or is the Ex still an issue. I thought she liked hanging out, but I tried not to get into the "friend zone"

 

Advice, comments? I'll be checking regularly and answer any questions.

[yongyong]

maybe she's not interested in you at all

 

or she wants to keep you as an insurance

[miamiroadster]

Well, I honestly would have liked a "No" then just a "I'll get back to you". It gives a sense of false hope. I don't really know what to do. I doubt she will actually get back to me, and I'm not going to beg.

[xpaperxcutx]

Well, I honestly would have liked a "No" then just a "I'll get back to you". It gives a sense of false hope. I don't really know what to do. I doubt she will actually get back to me, and I'm not going to beg.

 

Her answers too vague. She might just be trying to be nice as you said.

All you can do is wait til Wednesday/Thursday for her to get back to you. In the meantime, go and do something to get your mind off her.

[miamiroadster]

Well do you really think it's vague? I take it as I'm not interested. My guy friend says she just may be confused what to do because she still has some feelings for her ex. Which I understand but, I wish she knew she could do so much better and how much she deserves to be treated right!

[Noos]

Yeah, I think you were too quick. She's still pondering her ex. You caught her off guard and she's not even thinking about other guys until she sorts out the issues from the last guy.

 

Go do other things and if she gets back to you - great, but if she doesn't - you still have some dignity because you didn't hound her.

[blue16]

Update?

 

I'd like to hear what happened because I thought you played it pretty well. Asked her out fairly quickly so there's no chance of getting into the infamous friend zone - most guys don't have to guts to do that right away.

[City_girl]

You played it very well but I don't think she is ready to move on just yet. It's too soon, even if she did like you you will be the rebound guy. Murky waters

[City_girl]

Ooh yeah, saw on a tv show that the best way for a man to make sure he never ends in the frienship zone is to tell the women he thinks she's sexy. I don't know if it works lol but have had it said to me , I just kept wondering if he's seen the programme too lol

[Mezzi]

I think you may have asked her out too soon and I also think that maybe she is trying to sort out things with her ex. Maybe she will accept your offer though, guess you will have to wait and see. Good luck!

[wookinpanub]

Well, I honestly would have liked a "No" then just a "I'll get back to you". It gives a sense of false hope. I don't really know what to do. I doubt she will actually get back to me, and I'm not going to beg.

 

From personal experience, I have often found that the "ill get back to you" is a polite "no." If I were you, I would leave it as if she had said no to avoid being the backup/insurance.

[Immortalone]

Could verry well be that if her relationship had just ended after 8 months then she might not be wanting to jump back into another one. She might need some time with just a friend and nothing more. Who knows that may grow over time and if it does then those are the best relationships.

[miamiroadster]

Hey all, thank you so much for the advice and the kind words of encouragement.

 

As for an update, let's see.

 

The next day I was online and she came to me asking me a question about something. So I told her, jokingly "I'll get back to you!" I told her I was teasing her and that she knew I was. I then told her, I'd help her out if she got back to me sooner about what I had offered her and she told me "It's just that I'm not ready yet". I told her that, that was all she had to say but that I wanted her to know that she didn't have to be treated unkindly by anyone like her ex and that the chance was out there. She told me she liked him because he was "nice" and "funny".

 

After that it's been on and off talking online. No phone. Some texts. I was walking out of class on Wednesday and saw her going to her job at the library. I thought about going up to her and saying "hi" but kept on walking.

 

She doesn't sound like she wants to get back to her ex. We were all playing this game online the other day when one of her friends asked her if her ex had talked her and she said yes and that he was telling people "it looks like it's going good" but then she quickly made a sound. Like "yea right" kind of comment to his 'it's going good'.

 

So that's where I stand. Friday Morning she send me a text message thanking me for some help on the game we played. I told her she was welcomed and asked how she was and stuff and she said she was okay. I wish we could still hang out but I'm not sure if she feels comfortable anymore.

 

My ego is shot. I think I should have waited maybe one more week to say anything but I was afraid of falling into the friend zone with some one I was attracted to.

[miamiroadster]

So now, I'm still trying to make sense out of things.

 

"I'll get back to you" and "I'm just not ready for anything"

 

Is the problem the feelings for the ex which sound like she doesn't want anymore or is the problem she's just not attracted.

 

I hate these vague answers because it sort of leaves some doubt out there. A simple "I don't see you that way" would have been much more efficient.

[City_girl]

You will never know the answers you are looking for. Personally I think you did exactly the right thing. You made sure you didn't end up in the friend zone hankering after her. You have not won her heart but you protected your own. Longterm this will earn you the respect of the right girl.

 

As a footnote, 2 months after I left my husband I met the love of my life. I was so into him that no other man past or present entered my mind after I met him. I did not need time to find myself or any of that stuff. I wanted him and tho I gave him a rough time as I had just seperated, I never let him go.....Would you let anything stand in your way if you were genuinely into someone ?

[fishtaco]

You did the right thing. She's just not interested. A lot of less mature men would have thrown a tantrum. That would have been embarrassing.

 

Get used to the vague answers, that's how it's done. The easiest thing to do is to put the ball in their court. When you ask and you don't get a "YES!", and normally you won't get a "No" either, then respond with the "you let me know". But if possible, try not to lock in a date, give them the decision to pick the date. It may sound like you're giving them flexibility, but the reality is then you can freely setup dates with other women without worrying about schedule conflict. If she does call you back and say ok! I decided, let's go this Friday, you can go oh I'm sorry, I'm had just made plans, how about Saturday instead?

 

One thing about dating is never assume, I think you already knew that based on your posts. A non-positive should be treated as a negative. If she really wants you and is really busy she WILL suggest an alternate time. When you get a non-positive just move on to the next girl (always make sure you have a next girl). If she does come back then it's a pleasant surprise, if she doesn't, you didn't waste any time waiting either.

 

Go out with some other girls. Once she finds out she might change her mind. I don't know why, never understood women and never will, but sometimes that works.

 

Don't let it get to your ego. Rejection is something you have to get used to as well. At this early of the stage it's really not that big of a deal. Just shrug and move on. Even Brad Pitt won't score a 100%. I bet there are some women out there that wouldn't have anything to do with him. So you can't expect 100% for yourself either. You win some, you lose some, that's how it is.

[Prodigal Princess]

My ego is shot. I think I should have waited maybe one more week to say anything but I was afraid of falling into the friend zone with some one I was attracted to.

 

You sound like a genuine, level headed guy. But this girl is not interested in you, whether it's because she just got out of a relationship, or just doesn't feel the spark, or whatever. Believe me, her answer would not have been any different had you waited a week. If there was a glimmer of hope for you two she would have made it obvious by now.

 

You were in the friend zone before you even asked her out because she only wants you as a friend.

 

Either way, you need to let this one go. Hanging around her will only make you feel more frustrated, and quite frankly any guy who I have rejected and who then continues to try to be my friend, I think is (at best) desperate and (at worst) creepy.

 

Good luck to you; you deserve to find a worthy chick.

Edited March 18, 2008 by Prodigal Princess

[lamar_84]

I totally agree with you Prodigal Princess..

[Elyssa]

I don't really agree with the opinion that she is not interested.

 

I think she's just not ready. I would suggest you stay friends with her if you're interested in pursuing her at some point in time, but don't stop yourself from dating other girls. You don't want to end up being the guy that's secretly in love with a girl that only sees him as a friend, but if you keep in touch with her as casual friends, you can assess the situation again later down the road.

 

-E

[Prodigal Princess]

I don't really agree with the opinion that she is not interested.

 

I think she's just not ready.-E

 

The reasoning of stalkers the world-over...

[Neptune]

miamiroadster

 

I agree with those who say she`s not interested. But she likes you as a friend. You probably put her on a pedestal, like almost every guy out there. It shows when you said in post#4 "wish she knew she could do so much better and how much she deserves to be treated right.

 

That is just plain condescending like she doesn`t know what is best for herself. She is following her heart and it is as if you are criticizing her for it. Not the way to score points with a gal.

 

You need to be asking yourself what it is she sees in that guy. When she is crying on your shoulder telling you about how terrible he is, she is thinking about him, not you.

[JCD]

The important thing is that you made your intentions known to her so now all you do is sit back, relax and let some time pass. Maybe she will break up with her guy and come chasing after you or maybe not. You should not be her friend anymore and should make yourself unavailable to her. If she asks why you're ignoring her, you tell her that she has a boyfriend and that you respect that.

 

What happened to me is that I met this girl who I thought was interested in me. So I talked to her and found out she has a guy. I asked her, before investing more of my feelings into her, if she would have dated me if she was single and she said yes. I took it as she was letting me down easy by not saying a 'no'. Six months later she initiated and is now chasing after me. Sometimes girls do say what they mean but to be on the safe side, think of it as a rejection and move on. There is not one girl for you but many so it's not like you must have this one.

[BlueEyedGirl]

The problem is that you are still hanging around her. She is clearly not interested and it is obvious by keeping in contact with her that you are still hoping for something. You have already placed yourself in the friend zone. I know that after I reject a guy and he still finds a way to be around me I slowly start losing all respect for him.

[miamiroadster]

So far things have been pretty okay. She texts me and I text back and forth. She hasn't gone back to her guy and in fact, I noticed she removed him off her myspace and facebook finally. ( Sort of a small step?)

 

She texts me and talks about the game we both play and tells me she's so happy I play and help her out. I haven't seen her in two weeks. We didn't talk on Saturday but then Sunday afternoon she called to wish me a Happy Easter and invited me to go play with her but I told her I couldn't. She seems comfortable with me. As a matter of fact, I've noticed her use a pet name on me. "Bye sweetie" on the phone she's said. Could be nothing but would a woman use that on just anybody, especially a guy that is interested in you.

 

I'm not sure. I haven't made myself too available either. I haven't directly asked her out anymore. In fact when she was asking about what type of church I'm going to she sounded interested and I told her she should come. I was like "You should come, I mean I'm not asking you out or anything if thats what it sounds like" and she laughed. So no hounding. I haven't even seen her since the day I asked her out.

Edited March 25, 2008 by miamiroadster

[fishtaco]

Still same story, she's not interested in you. She's keeping you on the back burner because she's probably got other guys happening. You're the back-up. She's just throwing some low-cost-flirting via txt msg at you as maintenance.

 

You are actually doing everything right. Don't be too available, but always be polite and friendly. You never know. If she hits a wall with the other guys, she might come running back to you. Although then you have to determine if she's just coming back to use you for an ego boost then she'll be off again, or she finally realize you're a good choice.

 

However, in your mind you have to down grade her immediately, otherwise you WOULD come off as desperate and creepy by waiting around like one of the earlier posters said. Remember, women have excellent intuition, you can't fake it. You can't just act like you can take it or leave it, you have to really BE that way. That's difficult to do, unless again, you are distracted because you have other women to choose from. So I can't stress how important it is to date as many women as you can until you land an exclusive. So instead of worrying about the meaning of these little "signs" she's throwing at you, you should be focused on getting dates with other women.

 

Other than that, you're handling the situation perfectly.