Has anyone read Surviving my Boyfriend's Divorce?

[findmyway]

I ordered it from Amazon after reading about it, rec'd it yesterday and pretty much read the whole thing (skimming a few parts) last night.

 

Although the focus is on women who start dating a man after he is already separated, it very much can pertain to someone who had already been carrying on an affair as well.

 

It didn't speak much about NC, as the book mainly focused on a woman actually dating the separated man. It, however, continued to remind you of your options... dating him, putting him on hold or ending the relationship. One interesting thing I pulled out of it all was the reference to the idea that the woman is dating the man during a very emotional time in his life. You go thru all his ups, downs, etc... see him at his very worst. After the divorce is final (if it ever really is), your relationship may be very scarred by the history of the ugly divorce you went thru together and things the man may end up you resenting you for (thinking you pushed it along too fast, his kids don't like him because you are in his life, opinions you had of his wife thru the process etc etc). These things may not be things you truly did wrong, but he has been so emotionally drained that when he deals with the aftermath of the divorce it just may be that you were too intertwined in the process and he connects you with that. Now he wants to move on, be with someone who didnt see him in all his ugliness, depression etc. He may actual resent the wealth of support you gave him during the divorce. The idea is that it may just be better to say "call me when the papers are signed" or something to that effect. At that point, the chances of a healthy relationship are much greater. To me, this is what my NC is all about.

 

So I guess I am just asking if you all think this is a valid argument? It gave me a new way to look at why I really should stick to NC if I want the chance of a decent, not totally scarred relationship with him in the future. It just may be that if he let me have contact or wanted me there thru it all that when all is said and done, together we may just be too emotionally drained to carry out a healthy relationship.

 

I have to admit I have been scared that all NC will do for me is allow me to move on- shut him out of my life forever. I understand this may very well be what I need to do. However, this gave me a new prespective on why the NC can actually benefit me if things fall the other way and he really does divorce. My fear before was that NC would make him more available to date someone else. But maybe, just maybe it would help are relationship from getting too ugly and scarred??

 

Comments? Opinions??

Edited March 11, 2008 by findmyway

[Lookingforward]

The idea is that it may just be better to say "call me when the papers are signed" or something to that effect. At that point, the chances of a healthy relationship are much greater. To me, this is what my NC is all about.

 

So I guess I am just asking if you all think this is a valid argument?

 

Yes, I think it is.

 

We have NC so he can "work on his marriage". If it works for them, good.

 

If not at least I don't have to suffer through it with him.

 

I think if it doesn't work out and there is to be a chance for 'us' at some point, then I can't be involved in this. It's not fair to anyone concerned, this is between them to sort out.

 

Yes, there's always the possibility that it won't work out and he will still move onto someone else rather than back to me, but that's life isn't it ? No guarantees except that none of us leave it alive

[MimiMe]

Yes, I think it is.

 

Yes, there's always the possibility that it won't work out and he will still move onto someone else rather than back to me, but that's life isn't it ? No guarantees except that none of us leave it alive

 

 

See you're one smart kat, you even use a mouse and dont eat it. (I'm joking in regards to your avatar;)).

 

In this time of NC- are you open to meeting other people?

It could work the other way around. It may not work out and he can come back to you, just to find that you are no longer available. Would you drop someone else to be with him? ( or I guess you'll have to be in the spot to know).

[findmyway]

Guess I would have to be in the spot to know.....

 

He does understand that he could lose me to someone else during this time. He understands he could lose both of us. He says that he cannot make me wait though w/o being able to guarantee the outcome. He realizes it would be unfair and he feels enough guilt already for taking the past 3+ yrs of my life. Although, I also think he knows deep down that I will not date anyone seriously anytime soon as I am just not ready after all this, and he knows how much I love him.. so I am sure he has strong feelings that he would certainly have a good shot with me if he leaves his marriage.

 

I guess my fear in relation to him dating someone else is if I was available and he chose not to be with me. Going back to his wife is one thing, but trying something with someone new is completely different.

[Lookingforward]

See you're one smart kat, you even use a mouse and dont eat it. (I'm joking in regards to your avatar;)).

 

In this time of NC- are you open to meeting other people?

It could work the other way around. It may not work out and he can come back to you, just to find that you are no longer available. Would you drop someone else to be with him? ( or I guess you'll have to be in the spot to know).

 

LOL, I know - usually my kat LAYS on the mouse (so I can't use it presumably)

 

That is something I've also hit on in other posts, that during NC I may move on and if he did come back I wouldn't have the same feelings for him, or possibly couldn't trust that THIS time it was the 'real deal'.

 

Once bitten, twice shy as they say.

 

As to what I'd do if I was with someone else at that point as you said, it's hard to know but I'd have to assume that if I WAS with someone else that my heart had healed and been given to the new person, so it would be a moot point anyway.

 

As the exsMM had left and then gone back entirely on his own and not "for me" it would be sad to think we had missed a chance to have "us" but leaving again would also be a decision he had made because the M wasn't working, not for "us" per se.

[MimiMe]

Good luck with everything. You're basically in limbo right now and only time will tell. If he comes back with no other strings attached, hope that he is 100% and not just a statistic, and if he doesn't... there is always more fish in the sea!! And if he plays games, send his a$$ to the pit.

[Tomcat33]

Hello Findmyway very interesting post and THANK you for sharing your insight on this book that is extremely helpful of you. At one point in my relationhship I was extremely interested in this book since I was in the exact same predicament, I was with a seperated man and trying to see him through his D or get to that step. I feel eveything you talk about that is said in the book was exactly what happened, he started to resent me for pressuring him and I him for dragging his feet. So we stopped understanding one another and eventually broke up.

 

I remember I had called my local books stores for this book and they were out and never bothered ordering it online.

 

Can you share what else stood out for you in this book? So would you say that the overall feel is that you should not be in the picture during the D?

 

Probably should have gotten the book then...but knowing me I would have done it my way any way...

[findmyway]

Hey TomCat-

 

Well, since we are NC during MM's divorce, I tried to focus in on parts of the book that might relate to that situation. So, I did skim a few things. There was ALOT of advice though about if you are actually seeing the MM throughout the divorce. It gives alot of good information of what to be aware of that could happen. Explains how risky it is and things like that. Basically, it never said that you shouldnt date the MM throughout the D, but it explained things you would likely go thru or issues you may have to deal with as a result. Some of which included you becoming too involved in the process, the MM resenting you when it is all done, more guilt for the MM because he is with you while the family is newly dealing with everything, you see the man at his worst- perhaps depressed etc and when it's over he may not want someone who has seen him during the lowest pt in his life, the D process itself created alot of reasons for disagreements between the two of you which can greatly hurt the relationship, etc etc... It seemed to always go back to the "call me when you are divorced" scenario as the safest option/alternative to going thru all these difficult things. For me, before reading the book, I thought that scenario- call me when it's done- was the risk because what if he doesn't want to call because he has gotten over me, what if he meets someone new during our NC or what if he is worried I won't want him back and he goes home because he doesnt have me there assuring him I'd want to be together? But this book opened my eyes to the idea that staying with him may actually be the greater risk. Afterall, if you stay with him and he goes home- you are crushed/broken etc. With NC during the process, at least if it ends up with him going home- you have already dealt with alot of the heartache. For those of us who where involved in an actual affair before the separation, it also gives us a time to be sure ourselves what we want for the rest of our lives. So, I pulled alot from the book.

 

Like I said though, it does say alot about if you stay in the situation how to handle tough situations. One big piece of advice I recall is it emphasized keeping a life/identity of your own. Not to invest everything you have into the MM at this point, because afterall he certainly isnt investing everything he has into you. He is investing most of his thoughts and emotions into the D right now and making things right with his family (children, parents etc). A good point the book makes is if you lose yourself in the process not only are you setting yourself up for huge disappointment, but you also may end up putting too much pressure on the MM because you are so invested in the relationship yourself.

 

I know there is more- I dont have the book with me right now or I could flip through and remind myself. I do admit it was difficult to read. I saw in print many things the MM had told me (he couldnt be there for me right now, needed to focus on his children right now-was scared of losing them, the D will be too much of a rollercoaster ride for me, too painful for me etc etc), so it validated everything he said. It made me feel good to know everything he told me was likely the honest truth, but then it also hurt to know that it was the honest truth (some of the tougher things anyway).

 

I would definitely recommend the book. It makes you take a hard look at things. I ordered it from Amazon.com, had it in only a couple days. I first opened it at about 10pm at night when I was dead tired and then ended up sitting there and almost reading the whole thing, that alone should tell you it must have been good.

 

Sorry this was so long. I think sometimes writing it all out (what I've learned, what I am coming to believe) helps me validate it even more in my mind and gives me assurance that I am doing the right thing.

[Tomcat33]

You're awesome!! thanks for providing this invaluable information, I am sure a lot of people can really benefit from this post. It's too late for me as I am no longer with my guy and we split a year a go, only so that he could go ahead and D on his own terms and at his own pace, we are distant friends right now and he is doing everything without me in the picture which should have been like that a year ago and I can tell exactly what the book states happened in my case it ate away at "our" time together at our wellbeing. I got way too consumed by his crap.

 

But as I said before I doubt I would have done anything differently, I was waaaaay too involved in it for my own good and it is really hard to get some prespective when you are that involved. Hindsight is a real peach "ain't it"?

 

Important thing is I can take it with a grain of salt now.

 

But I think this will provide a lot of insight to those who are in the process of or contemplating dating a seperated man.

It's ain't easy thaaaats fo' suuure!

Edited March 13, 2008 by Tomcat33

[findmyway]

TomCat-

 

I briefly skimmed some of your old posts. Definitely didn't have time to read them all though, I'm at work. I am curious though.... when did you finally decide to call it quits with the separated MM and how did you finally get past all the pain??? I am scared I will never be able to.

[Tomcat33]

Findmyway:

 

Teee-hee I don't blame you for not wanting to read my gruelling story, don't bother....

 

I'll give you what we used to call in Canadian highschool the "Coles Notes", version ie the simplified version. For those outside of Canada, Coles was a bookstore that was popular in the 80s here in Canada/Toronto where we could get these booklets called "coles notes" and they were condensed simplified versions of complex English works such as Shakespeare and others.

 

How my rel ended I sort of summed it up here in post #108 recently in another thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=145538&page=8

 

and even that's long and gruelling, pack a lunch and warm clothes... :laugh:

 

 

Anyway getting down to brass tacks, YES it does get better it gets ONE HECK OF A LOT better. I PROMISE you that. You never fully forget, I can also promise you that, at least I haven't, and there is always that one little voice in the back of your head going....I wonder what it could have been like....? But it becomes managable and being without them actually makes sense.

 

 

I came to realise I have very strong power of conviction when it comes to me, I've realised I can talk myself out of almost anything if I want. I spent the last year pretty much talking myself out of this man. The irony is that he is back in my life, I am keeping him at a distance (my choice not his, he still wants me back 100% and swears he never stopped loving me and that I am indeed the woman of his dreams he wants my chidren wants to be married to me etc, but I just don't think I feel the same way anymore) I saw him a few months ago when he told me he was getting a D that his marriage was 100% over this time and he wanted to know if there was still hope for us since he never stopped thinking about me and wishing we could be together. I basically told him come and see me when you are divorced and 100% free and we can talk about being friends then. Well he did exactly that we saw each other recently and he is doing JUST THAT.

 

Now I am not so sure I want him back in my life for more than just friends. A lot of water under the bridge, and maybe I am just too proud for my own good or maybe I can just see things with a colder heart I am thinking with rationalization and not sheer emotion. I appreciate the fact he came back to me, that he regrets all he has done to me, that he was not upfront I understand it all so much better now why he was so pressed on both sides what was really happening with his marriage and the pressures of letting go on his end I understand it ALL now and most of all that he DID NOT WANT TO HURT me, BUT he did. That he hurts for what he did to me and now wants to make it up to me for how he handled things for how HE dragged me into all his mess and I did not deserve it, but I just don't think I can forgive and move on just like that...I see he is trying very hard to win me over again to prove to me he can be a decent man the good man I thought he was. Our channels of communiacation today are WIDE open he is telling me things I never thought he would open up to me about and I see a real change in him. I know he wants to do it right this time and his actions speak volumes in a good way but what do I do with all my pain? He just does not look the same to me anymore, I see a different man.

 

I was cheated on before, an ex fiance of mine cheated on me and I was NEVER able to forgive and so I moved on. And it hurt like a biiiitch to make myself move forward but I did it. I feel the same has happened here, though he never cheated on me he still deceived me and I just don't think I can forgive that. Friends is an ok option but I can't give him more. I don't even know if my heart can feel the same, it seems you will never get over him and then one day you realise the hurt was too much it killed that little sparkle that was once there leaving you with nothing more than a tarnished washed up version of what you once saw. That's kind of how I feel now.

 

How did I get over it? I am not completely over it, I can honestly say that but I am doing great, I feel great I feel happy and at ease and my life is 100% on track. I have made peace with my mistakes and my actions and my pain. Time is of the essence, playing out the pros and cons and just letting the ride take you. focus on YOU, help yourself get to the otherside and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Don't deny ALL your urges even if they don't make sense to others, even if you will be judged or criticised but learn to be good to yourself overall instead of reaching for a quick fix. and learn to see what a quick fix is VS a good choice. I think that right there is the MOST important of all:

 

Learn to be good to yourself and don't overindulge in "quick fix solutions" because you only end up hurting yourself in the end.

 

Find a balance to cope to make it alright for you.

 

 

for me what worked was allowing myself to feel what I needed to feel I tried not to censur my emotions nor did I try to rush past them or supress them, and if I needed to wollow in my own mess I would, then if I felt like picking myself up and smacking some sense into me I also did and the more people told me "you have to get over it" the more I froze in the agony. So I just learned to thank those that wanted to help me but "no thanks I know ME best, so if you don't mind I going to go crawl back into my hole now so please do not disturb"

 

If I felt like I wanted to respond to him when he would break NC in the begining I would, I would not beat myself up for NOT being black and white and sticking to my guns 100% if I stuck to it 99% that was good enough for me. Eventually 100% came naturally my power of conviction grew and my actions were second nature, there was no premeditation I just did because it FELT good to do it right and there is no more second guesses or waffling in my actions. But it's all a process. There are no black and white answers to this you have to find what works for you and you do it like that because at the end of the day whatever mistake YOU make is YOURS to own up to and to deal with with, People try to help try to tell you what is best for you what YOU deserve, only you know what is best for you and how you will manage that.

 

I guess reading this post about this book reminded me of what I thought back then I could have done differently, and NOW I see there IS no doing differently. I cut it loose because I was hurting too much and the only real solution to these types of situations is LISTEN to your innner voice, listen to the pain and work hrad to make it go away. Even if I had bought this book back then and like you said had become "mother Theresa" for him, he needed to go though the journey as he did, he wasn't ready for a relationship then and neither was I. I took on all his crap and ended up resenting him for it. And splitting up was THE BEST thing that could have happened to me. I say that from the bottom of my heart with FULL conviction. I am not trying to discourage or blow smoke up anyone's patootie but it really did do me a favour and I am SO glad it happened that way.

 

 

But unlike some other reformed OW who have been there and back I WOULD NEVER tell another person who is in similar shoes CUT IT OUT, you are wasting your time, you are going to get hurt you are on the wrong path or WHATEVER, because each individual needs to figure their stuff out on their OWN. It's their own journey to live out and their own pain to resolve.

 

It's the only way I see it.

Edited March 13, 2008 by Tomcat33

[findmyway]

Tomcat- Thanks for all the insight, and it was very interesting to see your story. It is amazing how we can find such similiar pain in all of our situations. It looks like you have been to hell and back... so far i have just been to hell, trying to get back but it is quite a struggle. I can't imagine MM coming back to me, wanting me back for real and me having the strength to say no. However, I could see if I did ever get past the excruciating pain I am feeling right now, taking a chance with the person who inflected it may be too hard to bare. My problem is I have to get past it first. To you I say, way to be strong, great job holding on!!! I will thrive off your words that it gets "ONE HECK OF ALOT BETTER". Hopefully, that will ring true for me at some point. I think my number one issue right now w/this no contact thing is that when it is broken, it is me who initiated it. I don't get how he can be so d#$n strong and why I have to be so weak!! ugh!!

[GreenEyedLady]

I have never read the book...

 

And I think that my situation is very different than most...In that she didn't fight at all for the M and there didn't seem to be significant feelings for each other from either of them...

 

And the emotional part was between the two of us when he was having to do the hard part: deciding where to live, getting the ball rolling, etc...And that lasted at most 2 months and had very little to do with "her"...

 

Now we're sharing a home and a life...I think we are lucky that alot of the issues that plague other couples like us, we haven't been faced with...Even the terms of the D are being totally agreed on ahead of time with no arguing...

 

And we're in the honeymoon period...I'm going to enjoy it and try to make it last...

 

So it depends on the persons in the triangle...Is the W fighting everything? Is the MM conflicted and not sure he's doing the right thing? Is the OW feeling left out of the loop? I think that those are more the factors as to whether weathering the emotions in a D is possible...

 

I've been lucky...We've just gotten closer and love each other even more...

 

Other people can look at us and see how much we love each other and how happy we make each other...And we're committed to sustaining those feelings and keeping our R healthy...

[phoenixgirl]

Tomcat and Lookforward, I just want to say - THANK YOU. Wow. It's just... wow. Exactly what I needed to hear, in the midst of my NC (which I broke today for the first time in forever, dangit) in which he's deciding to go back home.

 

Your words are helping me more than you know. I want to save this thread!

[dynababy1]

I totally feel you my mm is going thru divorce, i have been with him 1 year but nothing seems to be happening at all...I have been tempted to have nc till final divorce but i am afaid it will never happen..Scary to me I love him so much..So i understand worried it will push him back to her.

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat and Lookforward, I just want to say - THANK YOU. Wow. It's just... wow. Exactly what I needed to hear, in the midst of my NC (which I broke today for the first time in forever, dangit) in which he's deciding to go back home.

 

Your words are helping me more than you know. I want to save this thread!

 

 

Hi Pheonix - I'm glad my story helped. Don't panic because he has to do what he feels is right in his head/heart. If you love someone you truly have to let them go and do what is right for them. And if you love yourself you have to do what is right for you. He needs to figure this out on his own terms, I know it hurts SO much today but he is of absolute NO use to you confused and indecisive and with unfinished business in terms of his marital rel. Things will never progress for you under those conditions. So don't mourn for what you could have had because his going back to his marriage is the direct indication of what you would have had if he decided to stay with you and that is: more pain. So in other words don't mourn for the loss if his presence in your life as you imagined it, because that is not what he could have realistically given you right now. If you can focus on that it really does help dealing with the pain/loss.

 

and don't kick yourself for breaking contact, just focus on what you got out of doing that and ask yourself what you would truly gain from doing that again? When you feel the urge for another quick fix just remind yourself of that.