The ups and downs of an R after the word break up has been pronounced

[Kamille]

BF and I hung out yesterday and it was... well... not so good.

 

It wasn't bad. I know we have a lot of work to do on us, but he was just so... remote. So garded. It was the third time we hung out since "breaking up" two weeks ago.

 

I feel like something might be lost for a long long time. He feels damaged somehow.

 

I take full responsibility for what happened, so I'm trying to be strong and patient, but I'm wondering if anyone has any wise words of advice on how to proceed after a big fight and a break up?

[marlena]

Hi Kamille,

 

Sorry to hear it but it is somehow to be expected. I guess my question to you would be "how did you resoleve the issue that caused the break-up"?

[underpants]

Oh no...

 

Sounds like he is checking out or protecting himself emotionally. Preparing for the end so to speak.

 

Not the best way to get closer and get past issues together. However, it is a fairly normal reaction. It needs to be addressed however.

 

What is it that you would like to see happen Kamille?

[Kamille]

Hi Kamille,

 

Sorry to hear it but it is somehow to be expected. I guess my question to you would be "how did you resoleve the issue that caused the break-up"?

 

I'm going to Al-Anon meetings which is helping me assess why I felt the urge to try and control another adult's relationship to alcool.

 

I have also moved out and am no longer exposed to second hand smoke which has greatly improved my mood. (I would always be up and down. When I get annoyed, I have a tendency to take deep breaths. That technique would only get me even more annoyed at his place).

 

We try to spend time 50% at his place 50% at mine.

 

A part of me feels that basically what is happening is that the balances of power are shifting in multiple ways. Before, he was the one who felt nothing could tear us apart, yet, in some strange way, I was the one adapting to him and his lifestyle and all the good and bad that came with it. Now, I am the one really rooting for us, while he tries to adapt to my lifestyle a bit.

[Kamille]

Oh no...

 

Sounds like he is checking out or protecting himself emotionally. Preparing for the end so to speak.

 

Not the best way to get closer and get past issues together. However, it is a fairly normal reaction. It needs to be addressed however.

 

What is it that you would like to see happen Kamille?

 

Definitely and understandably protecting himself emotionnally.

 

Last night was the first time he was so obviously garded and I have no idea what prompted it.

 

What would I like to see happen... That we would pull through this stronger, and with a better understanding of each other, then before. I would like for the relationship to feel more balanced.

 

A part of me feels like the reason our R felt so unbalanced to me before the break up is because we built it on his terms because he is used to being the one in charge, the leader. He really doesn't like situations where he isn't in control - or to say it another way - he gets really anxious when he doesn't know what's going on. I'm discovering that his way of dealing with this anxiety is to take charge or to get emotionnaly distant. I guess this is normal. No one likes to feel vulnerable.

[marlena]

These are radical changes. Moving out may seem to him like a step backward and not forward, a gorwing apart instead of a coming closer together, a reversal of the natural progress of a relationship.

 

He may also, just saying, feel resentment towards you for "forcing" him to adjust to a life-style that is not his choice of preference. He may even think you are controlling, calling the shots, so to speak, and so is reacting to this new turn of events. This wouldn't surprise me as most males, as we all know, have a very iron-clad ego. He may also feel, at some level, offended by your Al-Anon meetings and taking it as a personal slight. I say this for he himself has not admitted that he has a problem with alcohol.

 

Perhaps, he is re-thinking your suitability since you can not accept his smoking or drinking. Kamille, I wish you the best, but perhaps you, too, regardless of how much you love and respect this man, should also do the same.

 

There seem to be irreconcilable differences. I don't know if the two of you will be able to overcome these barriers. I surely hope so but if we expect a person to change for us, the outcome may not be what he had hoped for.

 

Do you think I may be right to some degree?

[Art_Critic]

I take full responsibility for what happened,

 

This Kamile is what a Codependent does when in a relationship with an Alcoholic.

 

Please don't accept responsibility that isn't yours.. don't allow yourself to enable him anymore.

Alcohol, smoking or just his behavior.. none of those are your faults or your issues, Those are his shortcomings..

 

and keep going to those Alanon meetings, you are going to get yourself back on track...

Keep it up..

[Kamille]

These are radical changes. Moving out may seem to him like a step backward and not forward, a gorwing apart instead of a coming closer together, a reversal of the natural progress of a relationship.

 

He may also, just saying, feel resentment towards you for "forcing" him to adjust to a life-style that is not his choice of preference. He may even think you are controlling, calling the shots, so to speak, and so is reacting to this new turn of events. This wouldn't surprise me as most males, as we all know, have a very iron-clad ego. He may also feel, at some level, offended by your Al-Anon meetings and taking it as a personal slight. I say this for he himself has not admitted that he has a problem with alcohol.

 

Perhaps, he is re-thinking your suitability since you can not accept his smoking or drinking. Kamille, I wish you the best, but perhaps you, too, regardless of how much you love and respect this man, should also do the same.

 

There seem to be irreconcilable differences. I don't know if the two of you will be able to overcome these barriers. I surely hope so but if we expect a person to change for us, the outcome may not be what he had hoped for.

 

Do you think I may be right to some degree?

 

Of course, on many counts I think you may be right. He feels like he had made a lot of compromises prior to the break up and in a way I know he feels he doesn't deserve any of it. And yes, as such it is very codependent of me to take all the responsibility for what happened. It just makes it easier.

 

For some reason I still think we can pull through and make this relationship better for both of us. I know I am asking him to take a leap of faith and trust me on that count. From the get-go the rhytm of the relationship was set by him and I wasn't strong enough to reverse the tide. He is pretty compulsive and wanted it all, right then and there. I frequently felt choked by the relationship, worried and stressed, but everytime I brought up those worries he managed to make me feel better for awhile. Actually, at first he dismissed my worries.

 

Maybe we are incompatible. We certainly struggle to find a compromise that works for both of us on the smoking and drinking issues.

 

And yes moving out feels like a step backwards at times, even to me. Yet, as, it also feels like something I really needed to do for myself. I had mentionned spending more time at my place over and over again in the course of the R, but he always found reasons to dismiss it - especially by disqualifying my appartment and my bed (which he doesn't find comfortable).

 

I think I might try explaining to him why all this is important to me.

[Star Gazer]

This Kamile is what a Codependent does when in a relationship with an Alcoholic.

 

Please don't accept responsibility that isn't yours.. don't allow yourself to enable him anymore.

Alcohol, smoking or just his behavior.. none of those are your faults or your issues, Those are his shortcomings..

 

and keep going to those Alanon meetings, you are going to get yourself back on track...

Keep it up..

 

Couldn't agree more, AC.

 

I hurt for you, K.

[marlena]

And yes moving out feels like a step backwards at times, even to me. Yet, as, it also feels like something I really needed to do for myself.

 

To me, this is what is important.

 

Living together with a SO is serious business and requires a lot of adjustments and sacrifices not to mention the loss of a great chunk of one's own freedom. If you are not ready to live together with your boyfriend, then, you should not. Period. What is important is that you do what you feel is right for yourself. Perhaps, you both should have waited a while longer until you both got to know one another better before you had decided to live together.

 

Somehow, Kamille, I think your gut is trying to tell you something and this is your way of reacting to it. And it's a good thing, too. That gut hardly ever fails us if we listen to it.

 

As for responsibility...perhaps neither one of you is responsible for anything. Some relationships do not work out and it is nobody's fault. It is just incompatability. No more, no less.

 

I don't know how the two of you are going to work around your problems but if you are both invested in the relationship, surely, you will find a way to reconcile your differences. In order for that to happen, you both have to communicate clearly about what bothers each of you and once that is done, look for the middle road. If the feelings are strong and genuine, surely, you will find a way to reconcile and work around those differences without either one of you having to drastically change your personalities.

[shadowplay]

Kamille, I've been there with various boyfriends many times. The only thing I've found that works is to be extremely patient and basically ignore the change in demeanor. Try to keep the mood light and happy, even if you're feeling down. Otherwise there's a snowball effect where you respond to his guardness by getting depressed/angry and he becomes more guarded. The only way to break that cycle is to ignore how he's acting right now and trust that it will be temporary. Talking it over now will just open up the wound and make things worse, believe me. Deal with the short-term discomfort and trust that he'll warm up eventually.

 

I know the conventional wisdom is to communicate, communicate, but sometimes communicating does more harm than good.

 

If I may ask, how did his emotional distance manifest?

Edited March 11, 2008 by shadowplay

[sb129]

Kamille I still don' t think that you should be taking 100% responsibility for what happened.

 

He is still accountable for some of it.

 

I have been in Rs before where I ended up making excuses for the other partners behaviour by trying to shoulder all the blame- saying it was MY reaction to their behaviour that was the problem.

 

Unless you are both prepared to accept some responsibility, this could become a behavioural pattern you slip[ into- and it will be demoralising for you eventually.

 

Sorry to hear you are sad. xx

[marlena]

I know the conventional wisdom is to communicate, communicate, but sometimes communicating does more harm than good.

 

Shadowplay may be right. Overanalyzing and overcommunicating can have opposite results. What's gone done between the two of you is still fresh so no point in picking the open wound so to speak. Let it go for now- relax,lighten up- and hopefully he'll do the same. If he continues to be standoffish and remote for a long period of time,then, perhaps, it will be time to air things out again. For the time being, just go with the flow and be your most cheerful self!

[Touche]

Maybe we are incompatible. We certainly struggle to find a compromise that works for both of us on the smoking and drinking issues.

 

I'd say any two people are incompatible if they have to "struggle" too much to find a compromise...no matter what the issue(s).

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, good relationships don't require so much "work."

[marlena]

I've said it before and I'll say it again, good relationships don't require so much "work."

 

This is so true. If they do, they are bound to fail eventually.

[Touche]

This is so true. If they do, they are bound to fail eventually.

 

That's been absolutely my experience in life. It's just ironic that the relationships that I put my most into as far as "work" and compromise, and yada, yada, ended up being the worst relatlonships, while the ones that didn't take so much energy and effort were the best ones. Interesting, isn't it?

 

So yeah, the measure of effort required is really a good indicator of compatibility in my book.

[Kamille]

Kamille, I've been there with various boyfriends many times. The only thing I've found that works is to be extremely patient and basically ignore the change in demeanor. Try to keep the mood light and happy, even if you're feeling down. Otherwise there's a snowball effect where you respond to his guardness by getting depressed/angry and he becomes more guarded. The only way to break that cycle is to ignore how he's acting right now and trust that it will be temporary. Talking it over now will just open up the wound and make things worse, believe me. Deal with the short-term discomfort and trust that he'll warm up eventually.

 

I know the conventional wisdom is to communicate, communicate, but sometimes communicating does more harm than good.

 

If I may ask, how did his emotional distance manifest?

 

Thanks Shadowplay! Advice from a pro !

 

I felt like he was emotionnally distant because he just wasn't as talkative and easy going as usual. I tried to remain the same but I haven't been sleeping well these past few days, due to a bad cough that keeps me up all night, and it kind of got to me. I eventually told myself that this was my chance to take a bit of space in the relationship and I pulled him on the couch and cuddled with him.

 

 

As to the relationship work: this relationship was effortless until I expressed concerns about second-hand smoke and alcool. I would still like to give it time to figure out if we can find compromises that work for both of us.

 

And maybe a good night of rest will help.

[marlena]

It's just ironic that the relationships that I put my most into as far as "work" and compromise, and yada, yada, ended up being the worst relatlonships, while the ones that didn't take so much energy and effort were the best ones

 

True again. This has been my experience thus far as well. Truly ironic it is.

 

And maybe a good night of rest will help.

 

Then Kamille, I wish you a good night's sleep, many actually. Get as much rest as possible. You will see things in a better light once you rest your mind and body.

[Kamille]

Just got back from our fourth date and :love:

 

My feelings really run deep for this guy. My emotions have been all over the place the last few days about him, but right now I really feel like we are doing the right thing by slowing things down and focusing on each other.

 

We still haven't told each other we love each other since the break up, but I felt like blurting it out so often last night. I held back because I thought it was just too soon. And in a way, I think it'll be better once we're in a safer place again - if we get there.

 

But I think last night went really well. There seemed to be no resentment left from the break up and we were K and BF the great couple once again.

 

I miss him already.

 

:love:

[sb129]

Good to hear that things are going so well K. Happy for you

[Trialbyfire]

Good to hear that you're both working to move past this, or better yet, accept without enabling.