Isabella82 Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I have never experienced this before so I am not sure what to think of it. I have been with my bf for almost 3 years and we have had our ups and downs like any other couple. Here is my concern My bf gets really upset at me when I don't go to the gym. He doesn't want me to let myself go. I understand completely but I just think he can be a little too harsh on me. I am 5'2 105lbs so being that petite +\-5lbs can look a like a whole lot and even change a pant size. I try to go 3 times a week that's my goal, but of course with life I can not always go that often. I see him every weekend, so I only have Monday-thursday to go. I work full-time and I commute about an hour each day to and from work so I am sometimes exhausted! He gets extremely mad and says I don't try to look good for him, and he knows I could be a bikini model basically if I just go to the gym. I am sick right now and have been for about 2 weeks. He just made such a horrible comment of, "Well it really shows." I said, "Well I'm sick what do you want me to do?" It just makes me feel like he isn't as attracted to me and that he is not understanding. He is in school and works 2 days a week I feel like he has no clue how tired I get. I leave my house at 6:20 am and I'm home at 6 pm. I just don't know what to think of it. I told him I didn't like it and he says, "Well you wouldn't be with me if I were overwieght." He doesn't go to the gym EVER and I said that but then all he says is that he doesn't gain weight. Which is true. Is this okay or not okay? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Is this okay or not okay? Not okay! You go to the gym when YOU want, or not. You look the way YOU want, or not. You're comfortable in YOUR skin, or not. He's a controller! Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 My boyfriend expresses his gratitude that I bust my butt at the gym as well. And I have the same problem you do being 5'2 and petite, it does show you are right! However I think your bf's comments are a tad too harsh and inconsiderate. I don't think any guy wants their gf to stop looking good for them, I just think your bf needs to "voice his opinion" in a better manner. Have you tried talking to him about this? Like real talking, sitting him down and getting everything out in the open. Reassure him that you aren't going to "let yourself go" but you are going to work EXTRA hard at the gym the next day if you do happen to skip a day. And don't worry about skipping a day here and there if you are tired..I have made the mistake before trying to bust my butt every single day and I ended up hurting myself. So it's not worth it. I usually give myself 2 "free skip days" a week. I find that if you allow yourself the time off then it makes you work harder and keeps you motivated to keep going back to the gym. It's if you skip one day after the other that it starts to catch up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 5 lbs will not make you go up a clothing size. I know this for fact since I'm 5'2.5" and 105 lbs. I was 110 for many years and wore the identical clothing size as I do now. Your b/f has caused you to be very self-conscious. Instead of going to the gym when you're tired, why not tell him to take a hike. If he's unfit, regardless of weight gain, he has no right to criticize you, especially for b/s superficial reasons. Even if he is fit, it's your life and body. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the exit it, especially with your heel mark up his arse...oh sorry...in his head...I'm so confused about the difference because I don't see one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isabella82 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 Thanks for the replies. I knew this topic would get a lot of advice. I just don't know what to do. It sure does not motivate me to want to go more! Although when I was going and I went down to 99lbs my boyfriend just was amazed every time he saw me. I want him to look at me like that all the time, but that's not realistic. I tried talking to him about this, but he is always the same. I just don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Here, let me help you. "Boyfriend. Shut up." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isabella82 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 LOL thanks trialbyfire Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I just don't know what to think of it. I told him I didn't like it and he says, "Well you wouldn't be with me if I were overwieght." He doesn't go to the gym EVER and I said that but then all he says is that he doesn't gain weight. Which is true. Is this okay or not okay? Is your boyfriend right? Would you leave him if he "were overweight"? No indictments or defense here, rather merely trying to understand your relationship dynamic about appearance. It appears (to me) that both of you put high value on exterior appearance. Is that accurate? If you had to describe a poignant "down" in your relationship, what would it have been? I personally find your BF's behavior and comments a bit alarming.... Link to post Share on other sites
SeraBella Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I don't know...how serious do you want to get with this man? I mean I realize you've been together for 3 years...but is he someone you think you want to be with for life? Do you want to constantly be worried about this for the rest of your life? You're female. Your weight will fluctuate. And just because he doesn't gain weight, doesn't mean he shouldn't have to try to look good for you if he expects you to maintain a certain standard. Why shouldn't he have to be toned and look like a model as well if that is what he expects of you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isabella82 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 I don't think I would get too upset if he gained weight. He is really thin and I doubt will ever gain weight. He is very skinny, and that does not bother me at all! I don't tell him he needs to go to the gym to get muscle. If he did great, but I don't care either way. I don't want to leave him over this but I always think about aging and of course my shape changing how will he be, or if I decide to have a baby, how will he be then. I just don't know what to think. He obviously would want me to be a milf, and if I wasn't he probably wouldn't be with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I don't think I would get too upset if he gained weight. He is really thin and I doubt will ever gain weight. He is very skinny, and that does not bother me at all! I don't tell him he needs to go to the gym to get muscle. If he did great, but I don't care either way. I don't want to leave him over this but I always think about aging and of course my shape changing how will he be, or if I decide to have a baby, how will he be then. I just don't know what to think. He obviously would want me to be a milf, and if I wasn't he probably wouldn't be with me. So Isabella, why are you still with him, if he makes you feel like this? Shouldn't healthy relationships make you want to be outstanding, but for yourself, instead of feeling like crap due to criticism? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isabella82 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 (edited) He even goes as far as the days I don't see him, he always asks me what I ate. The days we are together he gets annoyed if I want to eat a burger and fries. One month I was so tired and going through other family issues that I lied to him and told him that I was going to the gym when I wasn't ( because I didn't want to hear him complaining etc...) I finally told him I was fed up and that I have been lying and he kind of understood. He was better for maybe a week and then it went back to how it was before. Basically I'll just say it since no one here knows me personally. Basically I got breast implants last June so I got really fit before hand. I got an average size and it looks great but I couldn't work out for 6 weeks, since I went under the muscle. I understand his reasoning he says, "You spent all that money making your boobs perfect, don't ruin it by letting the rest of your body go. Then it would have just been a waste of money." I agree they were expensive and I should try to keep my body fit considerating the costs, but I just wish he would be a bit more understanding and NICE about it. I want him to love me for me and not because I have nice boobs and I'm thin. Him being so mean about me not going or what I eat makes me feel like he would definately leave me if I didn't look good enough for him. Just to put it out there. I did the implants for me. It was my idea and my gift to myself for putting MYSELF through college. Edited March 12, 2008 by Isabella82 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isabella82 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 TBF I do appreciate the advice so thank you. Its of course easier said then done. I am with him because I do love him and he has done a lot for me and has helped me with many hard times of my life. But I know you are right, he is usually awesome and tells me how beautiful he thinks I am and that I'm the most attractive girl when we are at a bar etc... But just sometimes he just gets so mean about the gym. I am just hoping I can some how make him understand how this makes me feel. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Looking back through your history here, I'm not optimistic. Where do you see this relationship going? Here's the implant research thread Looking at some of the other threads, it appears female friends of your BF are a repeating issue. Example: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t118619/ Obviously, what is contained on LS is a mere snapshot of your relationship, but, with that in mind, do you feel it's a healthy one? If so or if not, why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isabella82 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 Why yes of course ALL of my old threads. He has changed ALOT since all of that. We really have I believe come a long long way. And I do trust him. I honestly do, if I didn't I wouldn't be with him. We have worked most things out this is just the one thing that keeps on worrying me. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Oh, hell no. Any guy who monitors your gym and eating habits so minutely is a controlling prick. And I'm sure this is not the only thing he's controlling about. Women gain and lose 5 pounds constantly, especially with menstrual cycles being what they are. If he can't get over his superficial need to be with a bikini model, that should tell you that his "love" for you isn't going to get you two through the long haul of a whole lifetime together. Not to mention it won't be any fun, either, with him constantly picking at you. He should get together with the guy who wanted his gf to get her labia trimmed so they'd be porn star perfect and jerk off together for all eternity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isabella82 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 norajane Thanks for the reply LOL. Yeah I shave but he has wanted me to get a brazilian in the past! I said no way I would be way too scared. I am sure all the porn stars do that but ha I am not a porn star. Link to post Share on other sites
canadian_jeff Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 He should get together with the guy who wanted his gf to get her labia trimmed so they'd be porn star perfect and jerk off together for all eternity. Now I must change my underwear Link to post Share on other sites
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Not okay! You go to the gym when YOU want, or not. You look the way YOU want, or not. You're comfortable in YOUR skin, or not. He's a controller! I agree 110% this is how controlling men act at 1st and that may very well lead to worse abusive behavior later if you allow it to continue. Sure today its hes mad cause you missed the gym tomorrow its hes mad cause you ate something he didn't approve of that may make you gain a pound. Please lose this guy its not a good road to go down! Sure its ok and normal to want your bf/gf to take care of them selves. But theres nicer and less controlling ways of conveying that to them NO THIS IS NOT GOOD! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Sweetheart, a brazilian is nothing, compared to what he's really doing to you. He's messing with your self-image, which provides him with a means to control you. It's probably not deliberate, who knows, but if you read up on abusive/controlling men, they find a weakness in you, then they use it as leverage. I'll bet you're a beautiful woman who could easily find a man who will treat her right. You do deserve it, you know. Link to post Share on other sites
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Thanks for the replies. I knew this topic would get a lot of advice. I just don't know what to do. It sure does not motivate me to want to go more! Although when I was going and I went down to 99lbs my boyfriend just was amazed every time he saw me. I want him to look at me like that all the time, but that's not realistic. I tried talking to him about this, but he is always the same. I just don't know what to do. Height: 5 feet, 2 inches Weight: 99 pounds Your BMI is 18.1, indicating your weight is in the underweight category for adults of your height. Talk with your health care provider to determine possible causes of underweight. That came off a health and weight loss web site when I put in your previous height of 5ft2 and weight of 99 pounds as you can see being that size is not healthy for you. Being bone skinny is not healthy just like being extremely overweight is not healthy your health should come 1st to his shallow wants! just something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Think of how thin Kiera Knightley is and how the press has been slamming her as underweight and anorexic. She has a BMI of 19.3. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Why yes of course ALL of my old threads. He has changed ALOT since all of that. We really have I believe come a long long way. And I do trust him. I honestly do, if I didn't I wouldn't be with him. We have worked most things out this is just the one thing that keeps on worrying me. Good to hear. Did counseling play a role in this process at any point? I didn't see that in my perusal of your backstory. What would you say has been the biggest "change" in your BF from "back then"? In you? I noted you had issues with being cheated on (not by BF IIRC) in your background and resultant trust issues. How's that going? Trusting people is an often delicate balance. I understand you have a substantial investment in this relationship, hence my more moderate tone. The important thing is that you find it satisfying and you and he are on the same page on issues which are important to you. Question: Would you agree that your physical appearance has always been a high priority to you? I ask because of repeated references to it throughout this thread and in your backstory. Again, no indictment, just wishing to understand your perspective (and any changes thereto). BTW, hope you're feeling better soon! That bug bit me a couple weeks ago and I was flat on my back for 3 days, but, then again, I'm an old fart Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Your choice: stay with a guy who obviously loves you primarily for your body, or find one who will love you for you. I expect your future will entail of you being bullied into more and more cosmetic procedures as you age and your body changes. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Oh boy, I would NOT have a baby with this guy. Believe me, your body will change A LOT - most women gain 20-30 lbs. while pregnant, there's no way to get around that. Then it can take a while to lose the weight after you have the baby. Can you imagine trying to heal after delivering a child and listening to that man bitch about how you look, or worse, harp on you going to the gym before you are physically able to work out? And LB is right - even if you don't have a baby with him, your body will change as you age, and again - there's no getting around that. Unless you want to subject yourself to continual cosmetic procedures. That would be horrible, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
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