unusual one...

[spaceman]

This is a bit unusual and a bit typcial really. Basically I had been with my girlfriend for about 3 months. She was my first real girlfriend and we get on really well. Everything was all very exciting in the beginning -maybe I could have been a bit more assertive but other than that, generaly everything was great.

 

Here's the unusual bit. I have a terrible fear of flying. I've been avoiding it for years. I didn't want to let her down so agreed to fly with her as she had to go visit family. The two weeks between booking and the flight I was incredibly stressed and hardly paid any attention to my girlfriend, if anything I possibly unintentionally pushed her away a little as I guess my subconcious blamed her for making me fly. Deep down my feelings hadn't changed for her (difficult to explain). I didn't fully explain to her at the time (and should have done).

 

To cut a long story short she was ever so supportive of me before the flight (very supportive -I can't fault her!) and even told me how much she loved me the night before, I got on the plane but "escaped" shortly before the doors were due to shut. The most regrettable thing I've ever done. I deserted her to fly by herself (which was a terrible thing to do but I was unbelievably stresesd out by this point). I mananaged to catch-up with her later that day and apologised as much as I could and promised to sort it out. She said she wasn't bothered and didn't seem to be bothered. However, her attitude to me changed siginificantly from that evening. She read in bed and practically ignored me and turned away from me all night. The same the next couple of nights though a little more friendly by day. Three days later when we got home she dumped me.

 

Ok, I realise that to leave her by herself to travel was a terrrible thing to do (but she travels alone by plane a lot so isn't necessarily as bad as for some people) and I also know that this doesn't exactly look macho. However, she knew I had this problem (which I will sort out regardless of her) but doesn't seem to be willing to give me a second chance.

 

She tells me now that my being dumped has nothign to do with the flight. This is clearly not true do to the timing. In my opinion, my behaviour leading up to it was probably mainly to blame and then the flight was the final straw.

 

All this aside, she now wants to be friends and really doesn't think she'll want to get back together again (but will keep an open mind about it).

 

Personally I think she should give me a second chance as I feel she should be a little more supportive of me (she has fears of her own that I've helped her through -nothing serious, but just different to mine -most people have some kind of fears but they're always different).

 

I have a horrible feeling that this is it with regards to "us" but everything was so good between us until the flight (we had such a laugh and never argued) and wonder whether you think she'll cool it a bit over time. She says she still finds me attractive, funny etc but I think she means without the "spark" -and I'm aware it had temporarily subsided the whole time leading up to the flight due to my stress.

 

I don't want to be platonic friends with her; it's too hard and pointless in my eyes, but do you think it's worth continuing to see her as "friends" and hope things "bounce back".

 

It's difficult now as I assume it would be wrong to try and make a move as she's said friends ?

 

I keep wanting to call but I'm managing to control myself, kept to one very short text message all week; she called me before that. We've been out together once since the breakup. I felt she warmed to me during the evening but nothing more than friendly.

 

I've already explained to her (at the time of the breakup) about all the reasons why it went wrong (basically down to my stress) and I feel that it's best now to not look back and if I do see her to try and behave as normally as possible without making further references ? (which is what i did when we recently went out) -I assume it would now be wrong at this stage to try and verbally pursuade her to change her mind ? -I guess this would look desparate!? -I assume the only way (if it could ever happen) is to wait and see if it does?

 

I realise this is a bit long but it's a little unusual circumstances. Again, i do realise what I did was not fair on her and didn't really look tough, but I still feel she should forgive me for something like this.

 

thanks for reading

[A wanderer]

look do you really love her? if so go for it. sometimes fears can be overwhelming and i may sound like a broken record but if you don't stand up against your fears they'll never leave you alone. also don't you think she may find some one else out there?

[pitprincess]

I tend to think if you and her had been fine before the plane thing then thats the problem. She is scared that when things get tough your out of there. I think she is just hurt and trying to get over it by saying you and her are friends. I believe that if your being honest here with everything there is still fire in the kennel.

I would keep things going just as they are and remain friends right now, dont push her because she is hurt.

 

This is just my thoughts, Good Luck

[kotter]

i believe the spark thing has a little more to do with it. If it was only the flying thing she would stick it out with you if she is as great as you say. I just went through this whole scene, I thought things were perfect but she had a job offer out of town and i blamed the timing of that on our breakup. I pined for her and tried to figure out how to create more spark between us. Then a girl buddy of mine gave me some advise. She said if there was spark ...when she ended it she would have cried. She didn't for me I hope for your sake she did for you.

good luck

[spaceman]

Thanks guys for all your responses; it means a lot to me and though I don't think has given me the result I wanted but the great things is that it has at least help me confront the situation (though I feel in many people's cases it could make things worse, different in my case I think so I wouldn't necessarily advise everyone to do this).

 

I thought I'd go to salsa tonight (where we actually met and where I knew she'd be going tonight) so I could see what the situation is. We danced together and I felt a bit of spark kindof returning between us (I could tell). I kindof brought it up again just before she left and was told that she'd made her mind up and it was final and apparently "***t happens" but she's firm on wanting to be friends. I think I'll have to leave it be now (as hard as it is). The really weird thing is she wants me to have copies of the holiday photos when we were together?!!? hmmm.

 

Kotter's point is very interesting actually as it does make me wonder that if someone dumps me in such circumstances (just when I need the support) was it right afterall?? -difficult one. Interestingly she was very upset when she broke it off with me (and cried a little) though I will never know whether she was genuinely upset. I do know she cried on the plane when I left her so she probably made the decision then. It is very frustrating as I know (well I think I know) somethign is there but I've been barred. That's life I guess, as tough as it is. I've certainly learnt the hard way, though she was very impressed that I've started sorting out my flying thing so hopefully this situation will never happen again -just a shame it won't be with her by the sound of it.

 

You're also right Kotter, possibly I was using the flying thing as an excuse as equally she may have used it as an excuse to dump me... I think it was very much related but I guess I'll never know... I just find it hard that she "loved" me then dumped me, but maybe she didn't love me.... thanks guys.