future inlaws

[lexi29]

Everyone has advised that a couple should have premarital counseling before the wedding. Yes, I agree this is a good idea. But I'm also beginning to realize that if one can plan a wedding (with in laws and fiance's differing opinions) and not run screaming from the relationship you may be able to survive marriage.

 

I practically have steam coming out of my ears!! HELP!! Last night my fiance and I were going over things for the wedding. We have decided (thanks to those on here who replied) that while my parents agreed to contribute $1500 for the food at the reception, it is going to cost more so we are going to have to make up the difference. His parents had offered to cater it. Well actually my fiance asked them if they would be willing to make the food and get it together if my parents paid for all the food. I will point out that his parents USED to have a catering business. They haven't had this business in the last five years. I don't even know if they have any of the serving/warming pans. My parents make a lot more money than my fiance's parents do. but if you've read my thread about my parents, they don't SAVE any money. So even them giving us $1500 is a huge stretch. They live well beyond their means. They gave my sister about $5000 for her wedding but only because they just an inheritance (which is probably gone already).

 

My fiance's parents told him last night that it used to be that the bride's parents pay for EVERYTHING and they don't know when that changed or why thats not the case anymore. (Because he was talking about what he was going to pay for) Well they have FOUR sons (who are married) and one daughter (who will probably never get married and she lives with them) so how nice of them to take that stance! Then they asked my fiance and me if my parents were going to pay them for the catering (Not just for the food but for the preparation of it (Most of the food will be ordered already made but my future inlaws were going to make macacroni salad, rigatoni and some cookies.) Also they think they should be paid because they will have to set up the food (it will be a serve yourself buffet). My parents will be furnishing the punch bowls, coffee pots, plates, silverware, napkins etc.

 

Maybe my expectations are off here but this is THEIR son's wedding too!!! Maybe I should ask him to pay for all the food and "catering" and see if they want to charge HIM for it. I'm upset because my sister's MIL catered her wedding (not that I expect it) and paid for all the food, made their wedding cake, put it all together and cleaned up afterwards. All her food was homeade and she did all this two hours from home. And she is NOT a professional caterer nor has she ever been (she's an artist).

 

I certainly don't expect my future in laws to PAY for any of the food but then to ask to be paid for their "services". They both LOVE to cook and when my fiance brought up the subject and ASKED them if they would be interested in doing this (and told them the food would be bought by my parents- all they have to do is cook) they were SO excited!! Now they expect my parents to pay them for their work??? Is this really fair? I'm about ready to just find a venue where they do everything for you (I know its more expensive but better than dealing with this)

 

Also my future MIL wants our wedding cake to be from this local bakery and my future FIL wants to ask his sister (who is starting a bakery) to make the cake. They are already calling these places and they've told my fiance but haven't said a word to me. They are also pushing for the reception to be at this $150 a day rental hall. I haven't even seen this place but its were their 2nd oldest son had his reception. I asked if it is even air conditioned and they siad they don't know. They've already called and got dates and tentatively told the place to hold a certain date for us!!! We haven't even set the date yet!!

 

I don't know how to get them to butt out!! A weddign planner is a good idea but costs $ and we dont' have that.

 

Clean up at our reception

[lexi29]

Last night was another annoyance by my future MIL. She told my fiance that she called his brother and told him we wanted his 8 yr old daughter to be our flower girl. My fiance has four brothers and 7 nieces and out of ALL his nieces this girl is the one I am not close to at all. I couldn't pick her out of a room. I've maybe seen her twice in 4 yrs. He has two nieces (one is 10 and one is 6 that I am very close to and I wanted to ask one of them and I already told his mother this!) But her opinion is that the ten year old is too old and the 6 year old wouldn't stand still long enough for the wedding. Now she is also saying she wants to order our food from Wal-Mart! AHH! and she told my fiance that she doesn't want to have to make any food she just wants to order it from somewhere??? Ok why didn't she just tell us that in the first place. If we are just going to order the food already made why in the world would we ask his parents to get it together? and why would they expect to be paid to do that?

[curiousnycgirl]

You REALLY need to buy some of the books others suggested on your last thread. Firstly that is CRAP - the groom has always paid for the stuff you listed your Fiance saying he would pay for (although just like I don't think you need to pay for your bridesmaid's dressed, I don't think he should have to pay for the groomsmen's suits).

 

Secondly true tradition holds that the grooms parents pay for the dinner the night before AND the liquor at the reception. So tyvm she is wrong.

 

Thirdly the tradition of the bride's family paying for everything stems back to when women did not work, and the bride's parents were throwing the party to help the couple get set up (gifts, etc) - so unless your fiance does not plan for you to work - they can throw that idea out too.

 

I am sort of glad she has shown her true colors this early - because truth be told having her cater would really not have been a good idea. However none of these arguments are for you to have. Your finace is going to have to deal with his mother - not you. You have chosen your flower girl (s) you are done. Your fiance is going to have to explain that to his mother, although no explanation should be required.

 

It is interesting that she has chosen a hall - your fiance needs to tell her that the hall, as everything else, is your choice. If his mother reserves a date and puts down money - she is at serious risk sitting in that hall by herself.

 

You need to go see some places in the area YOU had specified. You need to see what options are out there - as far as with and without food service, etc. I really believe you might end up in a better financial position if you go to one of those one stop shops that provides hall, food, wait staff, tables, linens, plates, etc. But I may be wrong.

 

UGH so many women go through this when planning their weddings, and it makes me very angry every time. Another reason why I don't ever want the whole wedding thing.

[hotgurl]

Lexi,

Don't have your inlaws cater it. Don't do it.

 

If you can't afford a full caterted dinner than have a cocktail reception.

 

 

Also since you and your parents are paying for everything you in-laws don't get a vote. Period.

 

You need to sit down with them and your fiance and nicely explain that you appreciate thier suggestion this is your wedding and you are footing the bill so you would appreciate it if you and your fiance make the final decisions.

 

He needs to back you up on this. Better yet he needs to talk to them himself.

[lexi29]

Thanks to both of you for your replies! Curiousnycgirl, I am one of those people that never really wanted a wedding. My parents eloped and never even had a reception. I saw so many things go wrong at my sister's wedding that I dreaded my own. I would rather just have a nice quiet ceremony on a beach somewhere. But my fiance wants a wedding and reception.

 

We originally had a list of around 100 people to invite. I was including out of town relatives etc (on my side) figuring most wouldn't show up so I was expecting MAYBE 70 people or so. Well now, thanks to his parents our list is up to 150 people. She wants to invite people she works with (that my fiance has NEVER met) just because they have met his son and like him or think he is cute!!! Also there is a family of 8 people that his mom has added to the list. They are a traveling country music band that his parents met one summer about four years ago and befriended and these 8 people came to his grandfather's funeral when he passed away. His parents see them every summer and are planning a weekend trip next month to go see them. I have never met any of them and my fiance doesn't even remember any of their names!!

 

My fiance has been telling his mother that ultimately it is up to us and that if we need help or want ideas we will ask. But she is so excited and calling daily about new ideas and things she has planned. I will have to mention that it is tradion for the groom's family to pay for the alchohol (since that can be several thousand dollars) ha ha and maybe that will shut her up. I already knew about the rehearsal dinner but even my sister's husband's family didn't pay for that (said it was a waste of money) so my parents picked up the tab for that as well. I figure since my fiance's parents probably could not afford a dinner at McDonalds for 30 people we will not have a rehearsal dinner maybe just have a summer cook out type thing or something. (not being snarky here, his parents really do not have much money at all)

 

If I won the lottery or something maybe I would be more excited about planning a wedding. But to me it just seems like a big waste of money for one day. (No offense to those who are planning big weddings or saving for their wedding day) just my personal opinion that the money paid out for ONE day would be put to better use for us such as a down payment on a house, or we could even take a lavish two week honeymoon or something that would be totally fun and relaxing instead of trying to get all this together and being stressed out.

 

 

Yeah, and I've already decided my inlaws are NOT catering this. I haven't told them yet. Will put the nicest possible spin on it.

[curiousnycgirl]

OK sounds like your fiance is doing/saying the right things. Why not discuss with him the guest list? Tell him to tell his mother she gets X # of guests and that is IT! If she chooses to use those invitation for the traveling band fine, but no more than X.

 

Discuss all this with your fiance. Since he is the one that wants the wedding, make sure this is all what he wants. Maybe he would be happy with something smaller (especially since he is seeing the tension this is causing). Who knows - you certainly don't unless you have open communication.

[curiousnycgirl]

I don't see anything snarky in having a cook out the night before the wedding. I think it's great. I thought of another come back btw.

 

If she tells you one more thing you must do, or says she's doing something witout your blessing, tell her that those who are not paying do not get a vote. You can also say those who expected to profit from this event (ie expecting to be paid for their services) most definitely do not get a vote. Or you could tell her the hired help doesn't get a vote. (yes I know I can be a b*tch - I generally don't like people - can you tell?).

 

You say she is excited, but frankly she comes across as self absorbed and obnoxious.

[hotgurl]

I agree she does sound self absored. Does she realize how much money these extra people will cost you?

 

I agree sit down with your fiance and give each parent x numbe rof guest to invite. and that is it.

 

You cannot afford 150 people.

 

Do you have any lakes or parks or gardens near you? It might be a nice place to get married.

 

You can incorporate what you want into a bigger wedding. ie. do you want to get married outside? do you want a simple ceremony?

 

You and your finace should talk and make compromises. come up with ana bsolute drop dead number of people you can afford to invite and don't invite anymore.

 

But it is important to preesnt a united front to your MIL.

 

Also hopefully this isn't a glance at what is to come.