ThickGuy Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I have lost all sexual desire for my wife. We've been working on a lot of stuff to improve our relationship, including counseling, and a lot of it is working well, but none of them seem to have any positive effect on our (non-existent) sex life. We've hit some issues which I consider dealbreakers, but my wife seems to think they're just excuses for not addressing my personal issues. She could be right, but I can't get past them, so I would really appreciate some input: - My wife has taken to wearing thick-soled white sandals around the house, the kind only worn by old ladies and hospital staff. For me they are an utter and complete turn off (hey, we all have those, right?), and she wears them all the time, from the moment she enters the house until she goes to bed, and refuses to acknowledge that seeing any woman in those turns my mind of sex completely. - My wife has become very clingy and needy in her attempts to initiate sex. It's more like a child begging for candy than a woman seducing a man, and it totally turns me off. I would like to add that she in no way makes any kind of effort to make herself halfway attractive. I knew she wasn't a 'girly-girl' when I married her (I spend more time in the bathroom than she does) and she won't win any beauty contests, but when she was younger she looked at least cool (a goth-girl), and when she grew out of that she often wore nice clothes for work. Now she just hangs around the house in baggy sweatpants, oversized t-shirts and those damn sandals, and wonders why I don't find her desirable anymore. I'm not asking for sexy outfits, lingerie or anything like that, just a little effort to look like, well, a woman and not a cross between a boy and a baglady. Am I just being shallow, or am I right in experiencing a complete disconnect between her claims she wants me to have sex with her so badly and a complete lack of effort on her part? Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 it sounds like this goes beyond the sex, and she's just not maintaining herself separately from the relationship anymore. that would turn me off too. neediness is the quickest way to make me feel suffocated. maybe you guys should do fun stuff together to get you both in the mood at the same time? go to the gym together and then shower together afterward? go for a hike? the beach? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 My wife has taken to wearing thick-soled white sandals around the house, the kind only worn by old ladies and hospital staff. For me they are an utter and complete turn off (hey, we all have those, right?), and she wears them all the time, from the moment she enters the house until she goes to bed, and refuses to acknowledge that seeing any woman in those turns my mind of sex completely. I don't think you're making excuses but your anger seems misdirected - I have the feeling this goes way beyond sandals. You need to sort out - and be honest with her - what the real issues are... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 You sound very resentful in your post. Are you angry at her because she's not making the effort? Do you interpret her lack of personal maintenance as some kind of signal that she doesn't care enough? Did she let her self go right after marriage? Is she generally a lazy person who doesn't put in effort? Saying something like, "she won't win any beauty contests" is hurtful. Sure you're not saying it to her and are just posting it on here...but such attitude (which comes across clearly in your post) is obvious and likely permeates other parts your life... I would hazard a guess that your wife is aware of how you feel about her. Maybe she is thinking, "what's the point...he's going to find me unattractive regardless of what I do." What does your counselor say about the sex realted issues? Have you two discussed that yet? You need to approach this with your wife in a non-accusatory manner. Don't let her get defensive. Be gentle but firm about what your needs and expectations are. Is your wife the playful kind? If she is, maybe you can suggest a game of sorts (a night where you two dress up and do things you normally wouldn't). Whatever her personality type, find a way to reach her w/out insulting her pride. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Am I the only one find your post is very funny? How about you buy some sexy outfits, lingeries for her as gift, and compliment her 'sexy, look great.....' Link to post Share on other sites
Tyra Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I would go out and buy some other kind of attractive shoes and clothes for her. Another thing, about her neediness and begging for sex, tell her that she doesn't have to ask, just take it. But the way that you were describing your wife wardrobe would make me upset if I was you, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Thick, how long have you been married ? Just curious as a couple of years ago you were posting here about some woman you fancied that you met through work. Think there's more to this than what she wears. Link to post Share on other sites
smartgirl Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I would be willing to guess that you have not expressed your dissatifactions with your wife. I know that can be difficult, because you don't want to hurt her feelings and you know you can't expect her to be something she is not. But you have to find a way to talk to her about this. I went through a stage in our marriage where I was not looking that great. I had gained weight and while I dressed very nicely for work, didn't so much around the house. There were a lot of other things going on in our lives and relationship that ultimately led my H to an affair. My appearance wasn't the reason, but it became part of his rationalization for being with his OW who was younger and more attractive. First, let me say that you have no idea how powerful denial can be. What I thought I was seeing in the mirror was very different from reality. I didn't think I had changed that much, but I can see now that I had. Second, I had no idea how all that made my H feel. It wasn't just the asthetics of it. The fact that I didn't take the effort to look good for him made him feel that I didn't think he was important enough to bother. It seemed like I had no respect for him or concern for his feelings. He didn't need me to be younger or start looking like a bimbo. He just wanted me to "make the most of what I had." Effort equated to love and concern for him. Finding that out gave me a whole new perspective. I saw myself clearly for the first time and I didn't like what I saw. I lost 40lbs and now men stare on the street. It feels good. The physical appearance was more symptomatic of other problems with me, him and our relationship rather than the fundamental problem. So with MC and a lot of talking we have gotten our marriage back on track. While this issue of her appearance is clearly a problem, you should also focus on your overall relationship and how the two of you communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
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