Nani Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Ok so i am new to this site,, i met my boyfriend online over a year ago. We met and it was love from day 1,,, But like allot of other women on here i too have one problem. He likes to view porn sites,, but he stays in one site inparticular. When i found out about it i was destroyed! i didnt know how to act on it or even what to say to him about it,,, so i did the best thing i knew how to do. I called on my brother's ,, see i have 6 brothers and i am the only girl.. so i asked for all of their advice,, they informed me that all if not mostly all men DO INTERNET PORN! they all informed me " as long as he is not negleting you in bedroom and as long as he is not looking for kids or young girls or even men then you should just ignore it" ok so i did and things were good for a time,,, until i noticed that he was PAYING!!! for CHAT! with these bimbos!!! I was hurt even more!! he would spend 90$ to 170$ on chat!! OMG!! can you imagine!!! we need that $ for bills and things around the house and here he is spending it on porn sites!! i realy dont care anymore if he looks at girls titis or ass,, heck i took some of myself and put it in his wallet and emailed it to him for his pleasure and to remind him that ,, hey i am here too,, and just as sexy as those bimbos you talk to online! but that didnt phase him,, the latest hurt was very recent when he locked himself in the bedroom for an hour,, i thought he was asleep and when i went in to check on him the door was LOCKED!!! and he got pissed because i interupted him!! the nerve!!! I love this man with all of my heart and i tell you one thing,, im not letting Porn take him from me!!! but i cant help but feel hurt about it,,, im only adding this to this site so that others can see that you are not alone,, we all go through crazy stuff and we all hurt over it,,, so there is my pain for everyone to read... if you want to comment go ahead i love to hear ideas and see what others think of this,,, Nani Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 You guys would benefit from a good objective third party to help you mediate your way through this one. You are letting him know how you feel, and he is reacting not to how you feel but how you are trying to get your point across. He is defensive and angry as a result. Not a good way to go about discussing something to a solution that will work for both of you. Is there any way that he would agree to go to some sort of couple's counseling with you? If he won't you will need to find a way to get your point across in such a way that he will be compelled to listen and compromise, rather than get defensive and shut you out. Here are some suggestions for books that might help you communicate in an effective way: The Princessa: Machiavelli for Women Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense The most important thing to understand is that it is HOW you say something that determines whether or not a solution can be reached. These books can help you get your point across firmly in such a way that leaves the person you are talking to no choice but to address the issue rather than attack the way you are presenting it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 OP, if you excised all references to and time spent on porn and your reaction to it, how would you gauge the rest of your relationship? Remember, ignore anything regarding porn. Also, is your SO financially irresponsible? Like spending the rent money on beer, etc.....remember, no porn references. I agree having a third party mediate. It really helps communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nani Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 Ok,, so to drag him off to that is like sticking a needle in my eye. Let me say this, he is a very good and loving man, i love him with all of my heart! Was i hurt when i found out about it? = yes! Did i take action towards it? = talked to the brothers not to him about it.. so technicaly NO Am i still hurt over it?= hmm oh yeah! but i try to let it go. Then why am i still hurting if i want to let it go?= because he shut me out and he has never done that before. i dont mind him viewing porn sites... i mind that he hides it from me. See when i 1st found out about it, i confronted him with it. He said to me then in a very angry voice " what are you doing spying on me?" Oh boy!! i stared him right in those pretty baby blues and told him " i wasnt spying, i was searching for a web site i was on earlier under ( history ) and your stuff poped up! not my fault you dont know how to cover your ass! AND just to let you know, i dont care if your on there as long as you dont make a habit of it, and as long as it doesnt come inbetween our sex life... when it does then we have a problem and you are not going to like it. So dont hide things from me and we wont have a problem! end of story!" after that,, he didnt do it for like 5 months.. it was just recently that he started going back to that one site and very recently that he shut me out. I had talked to my brothers about this a long time ago and i learned to let it go,,, not happily but i sorta let it go.. now that he did this new thing,, it hurt all over again,, as he never did it while i was at home,,,this is new territory,, i did not talk to him about it,, i ignored it but it still hurts. maybe ill talk to him about it tonight... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nani Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 Did i take action towards it? = talked to the brothers not to him about it.. so technicaly NO Not until a few days later after i had talked to the bro's did i confront him about it. And it worked,, but now its out in the open again. I will talk to him to him tonight and see what he tells me then. Link to post Share on other sites
northernman Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I think you have more control over this situation than you think. Why is it that so many American women put up with being treated so horribly? As an example, I have been dating a South American woman. I made one joke about porn, and she explained that it hurt her, (just the joke), and at the same time I knew she was mad, and in no way would ever tolerate it. Not even another joke about it.. She would leave me in a heartbeat, for even thinking of doing that.. She demands to be treated a certain way, and I do. It actually makes me not want to look at porn, as it really isn't normal to sit in front of a computer and play with yourself. Especially if you have a girlfriend, and especially if you are paying for it! Now this guy spends money on it, does it when you are home, etc etc, and you don't go ballistic? The girl I was seeing would probably burn my house down. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 This isn't just porn anymore. It's cybersex -- those 'chats' usually come with cams, don't they? Virtual though it may be, it's sexual interaction between him and another woman. That doesn't involve you. Most if not all men watch porn... just vidoes on the screen, no interaction. But no loyal monogamous ones cybersex while attached. Link to post Share on other sites
SoHotZanzibar Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I'm with ya Elswyth, normally i stick up for legal porn, but paying for it, locking the door, and cybering with models: that sounds like a problem. And this comes from someone that likes to view porn quite often. Normally I never say this, but I think he may have an addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nani Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 :lmao:I do believe that you all right wiht my issue. last night i was busy cleaning about the house when he came into the kitchen and said that he was going to be in the room and then he was going to jump in the shower. before i got a chance to say anything he was out the kitchen.. when i got done with the dishes i went and watched t.v for like about 1\2 hour or so,,, i got up and decided to take a shower sense he wasnt taking one yet,, well when i went to the bedroom to get my clothes the door once again was locked!! yes locked! i was soooo mad!!! i wanted to break the damed door down!! but i kept my cool and i said in a very tight voice,,<--yeah not keeping it to cool,i know but i said,, " i need to get my clothes so i can take a shower!",, his response was " i told you i needed some privacy! " and when he opened the door his eyes were like i have never seen them before,, now mind you he has never been violent at all ( never! ) but when i saw that face i freaked! i looked at him and said to him " why was the door locked again?" his response was, " i cant get any time alone around here " and he walked away... i got my clothes and waited to see if he would say anything else.. he didnt he went to use the bathroom before i got in there and i said through the door " well you dont need to lock me out just so that you can watch your damed porn! i dont care if you look at it!" then as i walked away,he said " i wasnt looking at any porn! " , when he came out the bathroom he went back in the room,,,and yes locked it! so instead of taking a shower i went with curiosity full blown by now,, i did something i dont like to do,,, i checked his cell.. i went over the calls and looked to see what #'s were repeated and for how long,,,, then i went and took a shower and went to bed feeling drained and alone,, he didnt reach for me, he didnt even say good bye this morning,,,, so i went into the computer but he smarted up and cleared the history,,, well two can play this game,, i went into the temporary files and to my shame!! yes my shame! he was not in any porn site at all!!! he doesnt know how to erase the internet cookies hes not very computer literate so i know that he doesnt know how to erase everything...... so i felt pretty ****tie this morning,, because i accused him of being in the porn sites last night and he actualy wasnt in them at all,,,, so yeah i feel bad that i yelled... now i dont know how to apologize or if i should even apologize for what i said to him last night.. I dont know how to talk to him about this issue. He is a good man and for the record he pays ALL the bills in the house and last week he cut his credit card in half.( which is good cause that means no more paying to chat with the bimbos! ) .so its not like he is addicted totaly addicted but i fear he is near addiction. Does any of this make any sense cause i think im going nuts here!! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I dont know how to talk to him about this issue. Learning how will definitely make the difference. If you can't afford counseling, consider checking out those books I mentioned. They will give you some insight on how to tackle communication problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nani Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 Thanks!! I will hit the library today....I know i keep saying this, but he is a good man. his one and only flaw is porn..I know allot men do it, and i dont mind him doing it. I mind that he shuts me out. I didnt mention this at all but it all started when he got wasted and he wasnt able to perform...he got frusturated and the next day he was back on the porn site. He has been in a bad mood sense. I try to touch him but he turns away from me. This sometimes will last for a week,, we are at day 5 i give it 2 more days before he gets off bad mood. And no it doesnt happen often, and he is not a heavy drinker. maybe one to two beers after work. Link to post Share on other sites
northernman Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Well the good news.... He wasn't looking at porn. The bad news.. He met someone online and was making plans to see them while having cyber sex, hence the locked door, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 I know allot men do it, and i dont mind him doing it. I mind that he shuts me out. Just curious. What does "not shutting you out" actually involve? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nani Posted March 14, 2008 Author Share Posted March 14, 2008 Just curious. What does "not shutting you out" actually involve? Locking door,,, he never did that before,, until recently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nani Posted March 14, 2008 Author Share Posted March 14, 2008 Well the good news.... He wasn't looking at porn. The bad news.. He met someone online and was making plans to see them while having cyber sex, hence the locked door, lol. No he hasnt met anyone online. I would know right away if he did. He's a person that likes to stay at home and he comes home right after work. And i check his email,, he doesnt know that i know his password. So its not that.... he is a good man with the flaw of porn and now locking the door on me...... Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 I know allot men do it, and i dont mind him doing it. I mind that he shuts me out. So in this context, you would be ok with it if he hadn't locked the door. I seriously doubt that you would be interested in watching him masturbate to porn or to some cyber girl. His goal here is to satisfy an aspect of his sexuality that you are not comfortable with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nani Posted March 14, 2008 Author Share Posted March 14, 2008 So in this context, you would be ok with it if he hadn't locked the door. I seriously doubt that you would be interested in watching him masturbate to porn or to some cyber girl. His goal here is to satisfy an aspect of his sexuality that you are not comfortable with. We have watched porn together before,but i was not aware that he was paying for the one particular site. when i found out he was paying for it then YES it bothered me. I dont care if he sits there and masturbates to some titis and ass,, heck it just makes it better for me cause he will go longer if you know what i mean. But when i noticed that he was paying to CHAT with these women then YES it bothered me. I dont care if he does it and he knows it. And what on earth would he not be comfortable with? we have done just about everything under the sun! geez!! I just dont understand the locking of the door. I wish i was a fly on the wall just to see what the heck he does when he is in there. I may not like it, but curiosity is very strong! Link to post Share on other sites
northernman Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 In your other thread you stated he doesn't touch you for a week! So how is him looking at porn good for you? Do you like that he enjoys porn more than sex with you? Secondly, it doesn't make sense that he graduated to paying for porn, when there is plenty of free porn on the net. And he still doesn't know how to erase cache? lol Come on... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 And nobody thinks it's odd that she breaks into and reads his email? This is a dysfunctional pair. Both have serious problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nani Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 Ok so after all this and the talk and advice i received,,, and after finaly talking to him about how i felt and the hurt i was going through with his adventures in the porn world,,, i have decided to move on,, ( yes i know i said that i would not give up or give him up or what ever ) but i have to move on,, i cant stay in a realationship where nothing is going to change. I will no longer post after today.. I wish everyone the best of luck out there,,, be good to yourself,,,,, And to all the ones that thought horrible of me well that is your opinion, you shouldnt badly judge another ,, you should try to help and be supportive of their issues and sensitive cause you never know whats going on in their world!!!!!! Goodbye to all! Link to post Share on other sites
Isabella82 Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 What I don't understand about men and porn is this. Someone said earlier men look at porn because these porn stars love sex and are always in the mood. Well so do I. I never once said no to my bf, I started things, I asked for it all the time. So thats not always the case he still looks at it. Whenever I find in on his history it makes me not to want sex. Then I think to myself he likes porn so damn much he doesnt need me! Let him have the f*cking porn. I don't want him f*cking me while he is thinking of some whore. Porn made me this way, it turns me off. Before I was a complete nymph. So explain that one. Link to post Share on other sites
DanielMadr Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 What I don't understand about men and porn is this. Someone said earlier men look at porn because these porn stars love sex and are always in the mood. Well so do I. I never once said no to my bf, I started things, I asked for it all the time. So thats not always the case he still looks at it. Whenever I find in on his history it makes me not to want sex. Then I think to myself he likes porn so damn much he doesnt need me! Let him have the f*cking porn. I don't want him f*cking me while he is thinking of some whore. Porn made me this way, it turns me off. Before I was a complete nymph. So explain that one. Porn stars are always willing like you said AND they dont get jealous on other porn stars or even turned off because somebody watch it I dont think masturbating to porn is normal or healthy but I cant tell you what stimuli he misses with you. Probably when you are so demanding he develeped some performance-anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
HenryII Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Today we are civilized, but we are still animals. All animals have basic instincts. Males is to procreate by spreading his seed far and wide. The female instinct is to select the male that will best propagate the species. So the male of today has to hide away the feelings he has for the female. Not all males can,hence the hooting at females when she passes a group of males, for instance a all male construction site. Of course today that is unacceptable . Porn sites are a way of venting the pent up testosteron. Speaking from experience, I know that a sexually satisfied male will not need to make use of a porn site because all he can think of is making love with his SO. I think I have said more than I intended,sorry if I have offended anyone. I just saw an article on aol where a church group decided to increase their lovemaking among married couples to see how it affected their relationship with each other. These were couples that had been married awhile. Turns out that all the big problems they had became a lot smaller with increased intimacy. Sometimes we lose sight of each others needs. It is my personal opinion that married couples can and do fall in and out of love with each other during long marriages. And for different reasons. That s what makes life so good . U find youself loving in a different way then when u met. Couples that come from functional homes will have a better chance at a functional marriage. I believe the coupling is a huge factor. Link to post Share on other sites
Isabella82 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 HenryII You said that if a man was completely satisfied that he wouldn't feel the need to look at porn. Did u mean to say that it doesnt matter if a man is satisfied or not he will still look at porn to spread his seed?? So basically my bf is not fully satisfied with me? And if thats the case then what can I do? I dress in little outfits cute shoes in bed I have an awesome rack (Not to be conceited but I spent $6000 so they better be perfect) I mean what can I do? Link to post Share on other sites
HenryII Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 U need to talk to him more tomsee whether or not there is something that he wants more. He may not be able to say what he wants. If it is to be more amorouse or something else. Comminication is very difficult when it comes to men wanting simthing from the women that they love, like they see on a porn site. He would like to try what he sees with u. But u wont't know that because he may be embarressed to say so because he mite won't want u to rejact him because of fantasies he has. Try something new with him and see how it goes over. If one person really loves another then what u desire from them should not lessen that love. Tell him to open up to u and tell u what he wants. Assure him u will not think any less if him. Seems to me a relationship starts to break down when the communication breaks down. Don't be afraid to tell him how u feel. If there is something he desires and u are uncomfortable then let him know in a way that he won't feel like a pervert. The old story holds true. If he is not getting what he desires at home he will get it somewhere else. Like porn sites. Does not mean he loves u any less. I hope this helps you work thing out. Link to post Share on other sites
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