My wife dosent love me anymore

[ELOW]

HI

I really need some help.

About 6 months ago my wife told me she didn't love me anymore ( she loves me like a brother) Which i was shocked, She also said maybe we should get a divorced or separate, i told her we should get some therapy.

she was very angry and said she wanted to go to counseling years ago.

But i blew her off or didn't hear her. Anyway she explained shes been very unhappy for a very long time. We have 2 kids ages 4 and 6. After the 2nd child i withdrew from my wife because of unattraction (weight gain and i was depressed from all the pressures of buying a home, work and having 2 kids in a 3 year span.

Anyway it was true i neglected her but always reassured her that i still loved her and cared for her alot and the kids. She had post pardom depressed after my 4 year old was born. I wasn't living up to my reasonability at home and it destroy our relationship.

At the time she didn't really communicate how unhappy she was, she just cried alot. And said she was depressed. I tried everything for her to open up to me more but she couldn't. She just kept say i dont know whats wrong. Mean while she works full time, takes care of the kids, cleans, cooks, wakes up in the night for the kids etc. etc. she did everything. I did what she asked me too but it wasn't enough. and i agree. And finally i question her weight and the loss a attraction i had for her.

That sent her spiraling down into deep depression and it was the biggest mistake i ever made. I was really trying to help with her self esteem but it back fired really bad. Shes been very unhappy for a least 4 years. I love her very much and all the while i always reassure her of that everyday, and that it was her i wanted no one else.

She been very angry for a long time. And the sex was getting less and less.

I was confused and upset that i was stuck in a place i didn't want to be. But slowly i Started to come out of my depression. and realized that i needed to do something around the house to help in some way. and i tried. it wasn't enough. I also got my attraction to her back.

 

So we go to our 1st therapy session and she told me how unhappy she was and she didn't love me any more.

At that point I took full reasonably for my actions 100% Or my lack of actions

i completely re invent myself taking care of the kids cleaning the house tried to be affectionate

and loving it, it was great and she said she was really proud of me. Plus i was really connecting to my kids big time which was great and i was reconnecting to my wife emotionally and i really like it and found where my love went. She was unreceptive.

After our 1st therapy session i discovered she was Having a affair. For about 6 months, i confronted her and she confessed to it. The pain, abandonment and the hurt was the worst i ever felt in my life. She must hate me that she could do this. I asked her why and she said he cares for me, But I DO TOO. You dont show it.

She ended her relationship with him after a few weeks. and continue our therapy together.

At the present time She still feels that shes NOT IN love with me and is not sure if that feeling will ever return resulting in a divorce. She needed space so i move back in with my parents (im 39) it was really hard to do, But i did it for our relationship and im there to this day.

We continued our marriage therapy and im working on myself trying to cope with the pain, and alot of anxiety.

She Still not sure if she wants to save this marriage. Arent we in counseling for that reason?

She says she out grown me, i love u but not in love with you. I forgave her for the affair and i complete understand what i put her through. She is still not ready to forgive me. So i sit at my parents house just waiting. i visit my kids on my days off and i have a very strong bond with them.

I also realize that we have a codependent relationship, she gives, gives and gives but dosent put her self 1st at all as long as ive know her. Maybe this is why she kept silent about her un happiness. im not sure.

I love everything about her and our family, Im trying to save this marriage and its not getting any better at all.

 

I need some advice from all of you please can someone help. Im dying inside.

 

p.s. Im sure i left some things out so if you have any questions dont hesitate to ask

and Thank you in advance.

ELOW

[melusine71]

ELOW,

 

Oh, I just feel so sorry for you and for her. It sounds like you're both deeply disappointed you are also sad and she is enraged. Your marriage is the battleground where that all has to come out. Let me tell you from experience, she loves you enough to tell you the truth, that is a VERY VERY VERY GOOD THING. On the other hand, the woman has been having an affair and YOU moved out? I know, to chill things out and give your wife some space. You sound like a great guy. The thing is, when a marriage ruptures like yours has, you can either heal it or you can fight and hang on for dear life and still possibly lose. Could you handle that?

 

If you believe that she is being honest and forthcoming in MC then you have a good chance of making it. People go through these bad patches in marriages. And some do come out the other side.

 

Another point, don't listen to her when she's telling you she never loved you or she can't stand you or what ever, she is merely overkilling the separation because it's that hard for her emotionally. Ignore that sh*t.

 

Modern life is so stressful. That you didn't do what some do and have at least been willing to work things out with a woman who has hurt you like she has... that takes guts. It takes strength. In the end, good or bad you will have these gifts of courage and forgiveness-- and know that they are a part of who you are.

 

I hope for you and I wish you the very best of luck.

[carhill]

She Still not sure if she wants to save this marriage. Arent we in counseling for that reason?

 

Counseling helps you clarify the issues which have strained your marriage and suggests tools you can use to rebuild your relationship if you (and she) have the desire. Counseling doesn't "fix" anything. Think of it as signs on the road helping you find your way. You actually may find, after months of counseling, that divorce is the right decision. The important thing is that you reach that decision for the right reasons and fully understand the impact.

 

It took me a good four months in counseling to begin to "get it" regarding my behaviors, perspective and the dynamic of our relationship. It's only now, after nearly six months, that I'm starting to see positives come out of the sessions, positives that can make me a better husband. That doesn't mean the marriage will survive; regardless, I'll have better relationship tools and understand myself and my perspective better. In your situation, with infidelity, your road to acceptance, forgiveness, and resolution will be even more difficult.

 

I wish you well Hug the kids. They need you.

[ELOW]

ELOW,

 

Oh, I just feel so sorry for you and for her. It sounds like you're both deeply disappointed you are also sad and she is enraged. Your marriage is the battleground where that all has to come out. Let me tell you from experience, she loves you enough to tell you the truth, that is a VERY VERY VERY GOOD THING. On the other hand, the woman has been having an affair and YOU moved out? I know, to chill things out and give your wife some space. You sound like a great guy. The thing is, when a marriage ruptures like yours has, you can either heal it or you can fight and hang on for dear life and still possibly lose. Could you handle that?

 

If you believe that she is being honest and forthcoming in MC then you have a good chance of making it. People go through these bad patches in marriages. And some do come out the other side.

 

Another point, don't listen to her when she's telling you she never loved you or she can't stand you or what ever, she is merely overkilling the separation because it's that hard for her emotionally. Ignore that sh*t.

 

Modern life is so stressful. That you didn't do what some do and have at least been willing to work things out with a woman who has hurt you like she has... that takes guts. It takes strength. In the end, good or bad you will have these gifts of courage and forgiveness-- and know that they are a part of who you are.

 

I hope for you and I wish you the very best of luck.

 

Wow Thank you for the reply

 

We are both trying to heal, she told me she is have trouble healing her self and the pain she sees ME in is too hard for her.So i stayed for a while but its that or legal sep. So to keep trying, we agree that i would stay in my folks basement.(she does care for me some what) remember she is very submisive and needs to make sure that im ok here. Shes also co dependent. And puts everyone else 1st, I just didnt know she was going to resent me for it later. Also she let me off the hook alot in the past "its ok i will do it" watch baseball.

 

She had me in MC and wasnt going to tell me about the affair.

I read txt messages and emails, and confronted her she confessed when i had the proof.

 

I Move out on a temp sep. because i didnt want to take my kids out of there own beds, and school.

 

Im not sure what i can handle,

Im Take life min. by min.

I cant sleep, it seems like my hair is falling out, and i lost 23 lbs. in like 3 months.

[jmargel]

Is she being treated for her depression? I mean medically and counseling just for that? Her depression is not solely based on the marriage. Her thinking that if she gets rid of the marriage would be getting rid of the depression is the wrong way to think.

[ELOW]

Is she being treated for her depression? I mean medically and counseling just for that? Her depression is not solely based on the marriage. Her thinking that if she gets rid of the marriage would be getting rid of the depression is the wrong way to think.

 

After the babies she went on voloft and recently when on lexapro.

She also in IC and I am to.

[ELOW]

ELOW,

 

Oh, I just feel so sorry for you and for her. It sounds like you're both deeply disappointed you are also sad and she is enraged. Your marriage is the battleground where that all has to come out. Let me tell you from experience, she loves you enough to tell you the truth, that is a VERY VERY VERY GOOD THING. On the other hand, the woman has been having an affair and YOU moved out? I know, to chill things out and give your wife some space. You sound like a great guy. The thing is, when a marriage ruptures like yours has, you can either heal it or you can fight and hang on for dear life and still possibly lose. Could you handle that?

 

If you believe that she is being honest and forthcoming in MC then you have a good chance of making it. People go through these bad patches in marriages. And some do come out the other side.

 

Another point, don't listen to her when she's telling you she never loved you or she can't stand you or what ever, she is merely overkilling the separation because it's that hard for her emotionally. Ignore that sh*t.

 

Modern life is so stressful. That you didn't do what some do and have at least been willing to work things out with a woman who has hurt you like she has... that takes guts. It takes strength. In the end, good or bad you will have these gifts of courage and forgiveness-- and know that they are a part of who you are.

 

I hope for you and I wish you the very best of luck.

 

Thank you for your reply.

I am amazed that there are so many stories of saddness.

Just like Mine.

[melusine71]

I did hang on for dear life and I still lost. After six years. I beg you not to put yourself in my position and I mean, I gave it a heroic effort. I have changed so much since my husband had his first affair. I fully accepted my part in our damaged marriage.

 

And now we can't talk about our daughter's birthday without him hanging up on me. and since we split he's been "in love" with two different women... in the space of a year. I really do think he has mental problems. He does not think about me.

 

I think one thing that is especially frightening about finding out your partner has been cheating on you for a long time is the fact that after that you know they can compartmentalize anything. I was like, "You name really is________, isn't it?"

 

Nothing he did would ever surprise me again. He's even threatened to skip the country and he's mad at ME!

 

All my history aside every marriage is different. You shoudl get all the books, John Gottman, etc. Now that I look back, I read all the books I did all the work but he never did.

 

One final word on submissive, codependent people. They have a lot of power. Don't you realize the whole time your woman has been letting you hang yourself? That martyr crap is just that, crap. You get lazy, make mistakes and she just "bears it"... never saying anything. Pitying herself for being neglected until someone came along who totally agreed with her. Please! Now whose fault is that?

 

Sorry, not trying to get you all pissed but I implore you to be objective, kind and protect yourself all at the same time. It sounds like she's got you believing you're responsible. That's horse****. Meanwhile you're living in your parents basement. I'm just sayin'.

 

Take care.

[sedgwick]

What made you get your attraction to her back? Did she lose weight?

 

ps: it's post-partum.

[ELOW]

What made you get your attraction to her back? Did she lose weight?

 

ps: it's post-partum.

 

I got my attraction back by remaining faithful in myself and in my W.

Believing in the love we had for each other, and the faith things would get

better.

 

No she got heavier, But I came to my senses.

2 kids almost 40, Very high pressure full time job.

 

I realize I loved her inside and out.

I really wasn't interested in anyone else.

 

I Started to understand what eating disorders are.

 

As the kids started to get a little older there was a little less stress.

I had more time to myself to get back into the things I was into. Hobbies

etc. My Job was going really good. And I got more time off, That helped a

lot.

Sorry for the typo

[milena35]

The first week of January, 2008 my husband told me that loves me to death as the mother of his kids but not in love with me anymore. I felt like a knife just ripped through my heart. We been married for 5 years, he tells me that he is sorry but I guess he was in denial because I use to tell him that we argue too much and we need to see our priest or seek counseling and he kept telling me no that I am crazy that every married couples argue and we never went to counseling, he now tells me that he is sorry I guess he was in denial, he though that the arguing would eventually become less but instead it never got resolved. We had so much going on when we got married that I do acknowledge that we forgot about ourselves. I was already pregnant when we got married (we planned the baby before the marriage) then a year after that we had anotehr baby, bought a home, finances, husband bad luck with jobs, got laid off twice in one year to busy with kids we forgot about going out like a date night or things that we use to do before the kids were born. Husband and I rarely saw each other, I worked day time he workd night time. Now that he has been in this job for a year he feels that he is finally succeding and that his job is number 1, himself and the boys and I am not in the picture at all. We tried counseling but I stopped that I did not see that doing anything to us, I told my husband to move out, he did, his stuff still here but he does not sleep here. I ask god every day to please heal his heart and let him realize what he is doing to us, I am in so much pain that I decided to file for divorce he will be getting served next week. He wanted a legal separation but I rather just end it. I did not see this coming I am still a little shocked but I am moving on. He tells me that he is not sure what he wants, he is afraid that later on he will say to himself what have I done. He told me that he needed a break from me so that is why I told him to not sleep here anymore and I only did that because every night he was getting home from work I wanted to talk to him about this and he did not like it at all. My husband was so crazy about me when we met and was the one pursuing me and wanted to get married, kids and family and this is what I get. I always worked even when he was laid off I was still bringing money, had two boys with him, clean, cooked as soon as I got home from work, took kids to our church, paid the bills which was so stressful also, how can he do this to me? But now I know God is in control and I just need to step back and I have for 2 months now I been just talking to him about the kids, when he is coming in the morning to take the boys to school for me I am alreayd getting in my car so we dont see each other more than 5 minutes.

 

What do you people think of my situation?

Milena