I damaged my sister

[Lizzie1127]

I feel like a monster. My sister (5 years younger) and I grew up in an alcoholic/abusive home. Both our parents are alcoholics, my mother was physically abusive. I was beaten by my mother for years, until I was around 10 or 11. I would be draged down stairs by the hair, punched in the back, paddled with the back of a brush etc. I was a scared, angry screwed up kid. When my sister was about 7 and me 12 I started getting physical with her when we would fight. It started with me shoving her and ultimately I was hitting her, covering her mouth so she wouldn't yell and just being the biggest a**hole to her. I told her that if she didn't do whatever I said or if she argued with me I'd make up lies about her or hit her and other heinous stuff. I was cruel and in retrospect had control/anger issues.

Around the time I started high school I stopped that behavior and for years things between my sister and I were great, we were really close. A few years ago I aplogized for what I had put her through. I didn't want to bring it up but I was so sorry and ashamed that I wanted her to know how wrong I was. At the time (I was 21 and her 17) she brushed it off and said "you've been a perfect sister since" and that "I know you love me" After that things between us were great as ever, until recently.

Over the past month my sister has been very cold to me. I finally got her to open up to me and among other things she said I "f***ing ruined her childhood" and that I "beat the sh** out of her constantly"

I feel like dirt. Obviously she has never really forgiven me and is still carrying baggae over what I did to her. I don't even care about forgiveness, I just want her to feel better. What can I possibly say? I can't believe what I put her through and I would do anything to take it back. Is there anything I can say, any advice, please!

[Green]

how old are you now? Maybe you guys could go speak to a counsler at your church about this. Other then that I'd probably recomend giving her some space, it sounds like you did some pretty horible things, and maybe she just needs some time to be mad at you before she can think about forgiving you. And even if she forgives you, depending on the severity of what you did, maybe its better for her to stay away

[SeraBella]

You both have been through a lot. Have either of you been through any counseling?

 

Do you have any idea what made her realize now? I know it wasn't an epiphany on her end, but maybe she is in counseling and it's bringing back the memories, or maybe there is something going on in her life that is bringing it all back?

 

I would talk with a couselor who specializes in abuse. They will be able to help you through your issues, and they'll also be able to help you understand what your sister is going through, which can help you to help her. Perhaps you can both go to counseling independently for awhile and maybe some together?

[Tyra]

I would suggest a counselor as well. Because theirs nothing that you can say that can take away all of the burden that's inside her. If you were in her shoes, what would you want her to say to you?

[Green]

I don't know that she can ever have a normal relationship with her sister. Even if her sister has forgiven her she has the right to avoid the person who horibly abused her for her entire child hood.

[Touche]

Forget it. You can never make her feel better about it all. Only she can make herself feel better.

 

My younger sister (14 months younger) was very often abusive with me. She could (and did) beat me up since she was bigger than me. She had a horrible temper. I could go on and on.

 

It absolutely affected me. But hey, what can you do? I guess I've forgiven her. And that forgiveness came from inside..from me. It wasn't anything she ever asked for, that's for sure.

 

Let it go. There's nothing you can do now but try to be a good person to her NOW. What's done is done.

 

Just curious, have you ever thought of writing her a letter?

[iSmiley]

Lizzie,

 

i have an abusive parents too and worst, my sister is abusive to me too. I can understand she is influenced and disturbed by her childhood. there is no one to blame but its all because of how she grows up in and that she is still young when she is abusing me with her power.

 

This applies to you to Liz. It is going to be hard for you to find inner peace to what you have done but you are a victim yourself. Good thing is that you realised what you had done before is wrong and you stopped doing it all at once and moreover, its done when you are still young. Don't be too hard on yourself. As long as you be a better person and dun walk the path of your abusive parents when you are on yourself..you have nothing to regret about.

 

It takes great strength and courage for children who have been abused and become a good person when they are grown up. You have apologized to your sister and she might undergo some problem of her own and ....(unknown issues). You can suggest her to go counselling with you.

 

Good Luck. *Hugz* Don't be too hard on yourself. You are a great and beautiful person Liz =]

[Lizzie1127]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I feel so ashamed even writing about what I did. Neither my sister or I has ever been to counseling, although I'm sure it would be a good idea. It's so screwed up, I hardly remember doing half the things I did but I know I did them. I don't understand how I could have treated her the way I did.

I know that physical abuse is a cycle but I remember how terrifying it was when my mother did it to me so why would I do it to her? I would do ANYTHING to take it back and the worst part is nothing I say or do can make it okay. I really do love her and I'm her big sister. I was supposed to take care of her. Over the last few years we were closer than ever. I was happy because I thought she was happy, like she had come to some sort of terms with it. It's breaking my heart to know that I hurt this bad.

[Kamille]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I feel so ashamed even writing about what I did. Neither my sister or I has ever been to counseling, although I'm sure it would be a good idea. It's so screwed up, I hardly remember doing half the things I did but I know I did them. I don't understand how I could have treated her the way I did.

I know that physical abuse is a cycle but I remember how terrifying it was when my mother did it to me so why would I do it to her? I would do ANYTHING to take it back and the worst part is nothing I say or do can make it okay. I really do love her and I'm her big sister. I was supposed to take care of her. Over the last few years we were closer than ever. I was happy because I thought she was happy, like she had come to some sort of terms with it. It's breaking my heart to know that I hurt this bad.

 

My sister went a little overboard on the psychological abuse when I was a kid. Yes, it was something we were both subjected to from my mother. It always makes me laugh when people tell me, but all sisters do that to each other... Really, I had no friends growing up, was lead to believe it was because I was socially deficient and realized lately that my sister orchestrated most of it.

 

I got over it when I went to college, escaped her control and became Miss Socialite.

 

She did apologize one day for "how cruel" she had been (her words) and I reacted exactly like your sister. I dismissed the apology as children being children. Then I was confronted to a depression that brought me to therapy. Somehow, there, I realized what an impact her actions had had on my life, on how I perceived myself, on how I made (bad) decisions.

 

It was a hard thing to go through. Forgiving her is something I work on one aspect at a time. When I think I've completely forgiven her, another problem in my life, another fear, makes another memory pop up.

 

What I'm saying is that it's going to take time. Abuse has many layers. Let her go through what she is going through right now. Let her know that she means a lot to you, that you are there to support her and that you hope she will one day find it in her heart to forgive you. Now work on trying to forgive yourself.

[Ssheena]

You did it because that was all you knew and that was the only thing you had to base any sort of love on. I understand you feel guilty, there's no way to not feel guilty because you are but the important thing to hold onto is that you know it is wrong and you know you made a mistake and would never do it again.

 

Did you mother abuse her as well? Did your mother ever apoligize to you or to her? Has she even accepted how her behavior messed you up?

 

Breaking the cycle is going to be hard for both of you and I'm sure you know, your sister is more apt to exhibit abusive behavior as well.

 

I'm very sorry for your situation and how you had to live as a child as well as sorry that your sister had to experience it as well. Forgiving yourself is going to be a long hard road but what you did is in the past. The only thing you have control over is what you do now and in the future.

[Lizzie1127]

Again thanks. My mother did spank my sister on occasion but never to the same extent as she did to me. I guess because I was older but I really don't know why. My mother would always apologize when I was younger but would repeat the abuse anyway. We have never really talked about what she did, she had a massive heart attack last year (at 44) which resulted in a quadruple bypass. I have been taking care of her since. She stil drinks but now the only violence is between my father and her (when he's around) In case it makes a difference my father was there when we were kids but only in the physical sence. He was a serial cheater and drunk as well. My mother ran the house. My sister was always quiet and withdrawn which makes what I did that much worse. As nuts as it sounds my mother says that my sister's coldness to the family today is because I got all the attention. I would like to cut my family out but my sister stil lives at home and she refuses to live with me, not that I blame her. Believe it or not I would feel bad "abandoning" my mother but her continued drinking makes me feel like she only wants me there because "I should take care of her".

I want to somehow fix my relationship with my sister but I swear I feel I'm no better than my mother. I don't even feel like I deserve a relationship with her but I do want one. She is finally seeing someone who is really stable and a great guy. I think she has opened up to him and maybe that's why she came out with how upset she really is with me. I don't know, I'm glad she has someone like that. I'm so pissed at myself and my family. She completely got the raw end of the deal.

Edited March 13, 2008 by Lizzie1127

[Kamille]

She completely got the raw end of the deal.

 

I think your end is pretty hard to handle too. I know you want to fix it, but she needs to that work on her own.

 

And she will. That is why all you can do is tell her that you really regret how things unfolded, the part you played in her childhood, that you struggle to forgive yourself but that you hope that one day she will want to forgive you. And then let it be. It'll take time, but she will most likely reach out to you one day.

 

And your mother's illness might have triggered her resentment.

[DaisyBelle]

Lizzie,

 

I'm really sorry for what you and your family are going through.

 

I strongly second what others have said: find a counselor, preferably for both you and your sister, but if she won't go (and it sounds like she won't at this stage), then at least for you alone. Also, I have found that sometimes writing things out can be very therapeutic. You can write whatever you want: pain, rage, sadness. Then you might want to put the letter away for a while and add to it or modify as your feelings shift from day to day. Eventually, you can tailor the letter and either actually give it to your sister or use it as a guideline for your discussions with a therapist. Also, there is something to be said for beating the h*ll out of something at the gym, seriously. It's amazing how something heavily physical can help deal with the frustration and sadness you are feeling right now.

 

The difficult thing here is that you cannot control how your sister responds. She may disconnect completely from you, never read anything you may write to her, stay angry with you forever, etc. You cannot control these things anymore than you could control your actions as a child.

 

What you are dealing with is sort of a multilayered issue, as someone else mentioned: residual anger (I'm guessing) because of your mom's abuse toward you, shame and regret about your abuse toward your sister, and some panic and anxiety about how to make your sister feel better all these years later. Take these things apart and work on them individually. They're all interlinked but it is easy to become overwhelmed if you try to take them on all at once.

 

One ally in all of this is time. This, too, is very difficult to accept. There may be things occuring in your sister's life that have highlighted the childhood abuse she experienced, maybe, as you said, her new relationship is impacting her attitude. Once she calms down from whatever is triggering this newfound tension, she may be more open to talking with you about the problem. Again, this is not something you can control. But what you CAN control is how you proceed with your coping strategies. It may be that your sister, over time, recognizes your longterm efforts at working on this thing: she may see you going to counseling, she may recognize your repeated attempts to talk to her. But creating a pattern takes time.

 

Ultimately, of course, it is your sister's decision as to whether to have a relationship with you. This is another aspect you might want to touch on in therapy: how to accept the loss of someone you love.

 

I wish you the very best. This is a very sad situation for all of you.

[whichwayisup]

Offer to go do family counselling with her so you two can work through the pain. That's just an idea if she is willing...Have you gone on your own? That actually might open your sister's eyes, if she sees you in counselling too.

[Ssheena]

Ohhh... I see. I think what Ann Landers would recommend in this situation (and I grew up with Ann Landers - she was Oprah before their was Oprah) is the AA group for the people that had to live with the alcoholics'. I think is it Ala-non or something like that. I think there you would find lots of help and people that are in the same situation.

 

I would hesitate to guess that others living with or having grown up with alcoholics have the same feelings - shame, guilt, the push-pull of love/hate etc.

 

You do what you do to get through whatever it is you are dealing with and to survive.

[Ronni_W]

Lizzie, it is too difficult if we try to judge our childhood actions by our adult wisdom, knowledge and codes of conduct.

 

As a physically and mentally abused 12 year old, of course you had anger/control issues. Your subsequent behaviour stemmed directly from that. It does not label you as a "monster" or "cruel" human being or sister, only as an adolescent with zero healthy coping skills. It does not speak to your True, loving and compassionate Nature. It is not any indication of who you truly were then, who you are now, or who you will become.

 

Both you and your sister were let down by your parents and other adult caregivers. YOU did not let-down your sister. Siblings are not responsible for each other's welfare and well-being. As adults, we can choose to take on some of that if we want to, but it is not our birth obligation to ensure their happiness and success at any/every point of their own life journey (if that makes sense?)

 

At this time, your sister may just find it easier to make you the scapegoat for all her problems and issues...instead of putting it on your parents, where it rightly belongs and, [ii] taking the responsibility for doing her own emotional healing. (My brother did a similar thing, about me.)

 

It is also possible that, at the time, there was a maybe subconscious part of you that "reasoned" if you beat-up on your sister, your mom would not. Kind of a maladaptive way of making sure that she'd be "less beat-up" than if it was your mom doing it. (In a somewhat different way, I did a similar thing to my brother.)

 

Of course, since it was all very subconscious and so dysfunctional, it does take a huge desire and willingness to work at uncovering and understanding all the pieces that will bring healing, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.

 

I could not have done it without the help of an excellent psychotherapist. I'd urge you to try the same, and wish you all the best in your healing journey.

 

It is the past, which cannot be undone. But we can choose to apply our adult wisdom and knowledge so that the past is put into full and proper context. I think we owe that to ourselves AND to our current-day loved ones. Sending Love and Light to you, and all your loved ones

Edited March 14, 2008 by Ronni_W
missed a word

[Green]

I don't think you should beat yourself up over this anymore. But I doubt there is anything you can do specificaly other then admitting you were wrong to win your sister back. She has to choose what kind of relationship she wants for herself. You no doubt still deal with the abuse yourself so I would focus on fixing that

[sb129]

Lizzie, it is too difficult if we try to judge our childhood actions by our adult wisdom, knowledge and codes of conduct.

 

Well said Ronni- exactly. Lizzie, your sister is looking at the situation with different coloured lenses on now. She is trying to get the 12 year old you to accept responsibility the way that the adult you does now- but that can't happen. She is looking for someone to lash out at, and my guess is you were closest.

 

At this time, your sister may just find it easier to make you the scapegoat for all her problems and issues...instead of putting it on your parents, where it rightly belongs and, [ii] taking the responsibility for doing her own emotional healing. (My brother did a similar thing, about me.)

 

As a physically and mentally abused 12 year old, of course you had anger/control issues. Your subsequent behaviour stemmed directly from that. It does not label you as a "monster" or "cruel" human being or sister, only as an adolescent with zero healthy coping skills.

 

Hopefully as your sister learns this about herself, she will realise that it applies to you too.

 

Both you and your sister were let down by your parents and other adult caregivers. YOU did not let-down your sister. Siblings are not responsible for each other's welfare and well-being. As adults, we can choose to take on some of that if we want to, but it is not our birth obligation to ensure their happiness and success at any/every point of their own life journey (if that makes sense?)

 

It makes perfect sense. RonniW you are so much more articulate than I!

 

Lizzie I hope that your sister realises all this one day too- I am sure she will.

 

In the meantime, I agree that therapy would be a great idea for you to come to terms with things yourself- you are in control of your own happiness, and being healthy and happy yourself goes a long way towards breaking the cycle.