HouseOfCards Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I'm in a bit of a gray area right now. Last week I was rejected by a girl who considered me to be her "best friend" for nearly 3 years after I told her I had feelings for her. I feel like I'm getting over it, and I understand nearly everything I did wrong, that's not what I'm asking advice on. My question is: How have people here dealt with situations where a girl rejected your feelings towards her, on a friendship level? A part of me says I should just stop talking to her for a long time and move on to try to date other women and get her off my mind, but another part of me thinks it's kind of a dick move to never want to talk to her again because of it. Guys, have you ever felt comfortable being friends with a girl again after something like this? Most likely, I'm going to at least wait a while to the point where seeing her won't make me de-evolve in a bitter a**hole who wants to rant about how she did him wrong. I probably won't be able to do this until I've at least dated around a bit... still, I'm curious how people here have handled this. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Not only "friend zoned" numerous times, I've had women say "oh, just a friend" if I merely just hug them after the first date instead of groping them or kissing them. It's all about expectations, I guess. Did that for years. No, I never have been "comfortable" after. Ever. I do suffer a forced version of the "friend zone" with a very special lady I've known for a number of decades due to both of us being in relationships. I'm pretty sure she's doing some suffering of her own . Anyway, we make the zone work for us until the stars align for us to see if there's more than the zone. Your idea of waiting awhile is a good one. A better one would be getting a girlfriend. For me, being married makes the distraction manageable. Remember, you can't help how you feel but you can very much help how you act. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 You two were friends only for 3 years? Platonic? Did you date other women during this time? It's been a week. You are still feeling the sting. If you were able to be her friend for that long then it could be possible to truly see her as just a good friend again. Or maybe you will decide that your friendship with her is to move to the familiar acquaintance level and distance yourself a bit. You just need some time to wrap your head around it right. I would not contact her for a while. Focus on you. The desire to want to be nasty is just a defense to being rejected. She must have some good qualities that peaked your interest and sustained a friendship for that long. It just was not meant to be anything more perhaps. That just means that you also have some good qualites that she did like to be around. Maybe it was not just right for her but could be for someone else. At least she told you how she felt so you now have that knowledge and are not obligated to see her in a romantic fashion any longer. Rejection they say brings us one step closer to the person we are supposed to be with. (now, I'm not too sure about that, or my person is many, many steps away ...but if it helps you out) Chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Work on yourself, that's the important thing. Try to work around the whole rejected frame of mind by focusing on yourself, and preoccupying yourself with other things. I wouldn't jump right into a relationship after this, it would seem more of a rebound and trying to give yourself a reason to get back at her. I say mild dating would be more of your range, just something fun and casual with no expectations on both sides. You might feel alot of resentment for her right now, but I think its best to distance yourself from her. You'll find the time apart very therapeutic for you, and maybe after a week or two, you'll find that they don't really matter as much as you thought they would. Link to post Share on other sites
Mag Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I recently conveyed my feelings to my friend, whom rejected me. Iv known her for nearly 5 years and I wasnt about to let that 5 years of great friendship go to the curb. Sure I feeling the "withdrawal" but thats to be expected. Im still going to support her as I always have, nothing will change in that sense. As for the friendship of yours, you just have to ask yourself if it is something that is important to you, and if she is able to cope with your feelings even as deep as you might bury them. As others have said give yourself some time, reflect on this some but not become obsessed with it. Also, give her some time im sure she has to process everything and is possibly confused and potentially hurt. How often does it happen that your best friend comes out and says these types of things? IMO only time and the both of you talking can mend this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HouseOfCards Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 Well, here's the thing; she has a boyfriend. They've been dating on-and-off for 6 months. But honestly, the way she talked about him (incredibly negative) and the way she acted towards me (incredibly caring), I basically saw the situation as an open invitation to tell her how I felt. Even her boyfriend predicted that I would do this, and that she would actually dump him for me (he has some insecurities, it's not important). Anyway, after our talk she was crying for a while because she thought she was losing her "best friend". My thought process is, if she really does care about this guy, she needs to start showing it more, meaning maybe she should spend some time letting him be her best friend, not me. I think I'm gonna back off and do my own thing, and then their relationship can evolve without the BF being paranoid about outside interference for the first time. Maybe come summertime I'll feel comfortable grabbing lunch with her to catch up or something, but I really don't have any desire to just start being her friend again, not at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Well, here's the thing; she has a boyfriend. *face palms* What you wrote above is probably the healthiest and best way to handle the situation. If she calls you stay upbeat but just be busy. I wonder how it would have turned out had you had this revelation 6 months ago? You will most likely hear from her again. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperFantastico Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 (edited) Well, here's the thing; she has a boyfriend. They've been dating on-and-off for 6 months. But honestly, the way she talked about him (incredibly negative) and the way she acted towards me (incredibly caring), I basically saw the situation as an open invitation to tell her how I felt. Even her boyfriend predicted that I would do this, and that she would actually dump him for me (he has some insecurities, it's not important). Anyway, after our talk she was crying for a while because she thought she was losing her "best friend". My thought process is, if she really does care about this guy, she needs to start showing it more, meaning maybe she should spend some time letting him be her best friend, not me. I think I'm gonna back off and do my own thing, and then their relationship can evolve without the BF being paranoid about outside interference for the first time. Maybe come summertime I'll feel comfortable grabbing lunch with her to catch up or something, but I really don't have any desire to just start being her friend again, not at this point. She confided in you because you are like her girlfriend. Girls always complain about thier boyfriends. It dosnt matter whether they mean it or not, they just like drama. Plus she probably enjoys sucking the attention from you also. My advice is just leave. This wont end well if you stick around. You cant be 'just friends' with her again without sacrificing your own well being. You'll become a shell eventually, all hollowed out. On the plus side, you at least tried. Now you'll never wonder. Just move on, if she calls you just tell her the truth. You cant be just friends with her anymore, and if that means that you have to end the friendship then thats how its got to be. Who cares if she thinks you are a dick, you're the one who will lose. In the end even if she loses you, she still has a boyfriend. If you go back to her, she'll have you AND her boyfriend and you'll have blue balls. Then you'll get to hear her complain about her boyfriend again, and how much she wishes he was more like you(thats my favorite one) Edited March 14, 2008 by SuperFantastico Link to post Share on other sites
KidEternity Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 She confided in you because you are like her girlfriend. Girls always complain about thier boyfriends. It dosnt matter whether they mean it or not, they just like drama. Plus she probably enjoys sucking the attention from you also. My advice is just leave. This wont end well if you stick around. You cant be 'just friends' with her again without sacrificing your own well being. You'll become a shell eventually, all hollowed out. On the plus side, you at least tried. Now you'll never wonder. Just move on, if she calls you just tell her the truth. You cant be just friends with her anymore, and if that means that you have to end the friendship then thats how its got to be. Who cares if she thinks you are a dick, you're the one who will lose. In the end even if she loses you, she still has a boyfriend. If you go back to her, she'll have you AND her boyfriend and you'll have blue balls. Then you'll get to hear her complain about her boyfriend again, and how much she wishes he was more like you(thats my favorite one) Lol yeah, what he said. I would say it is more or less impossible to go back to being her friend, if you both really wanted to then you could, but it is so hard especially with that rejection lingering around, best thing is to not let it get you down and take the positives from it, and just try and forget about her for a bit... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HouseOfCards Posted March 15, 2008 Author Share Posted March 15, 2008 Man, where the hell were you guys when I made my original thread about this girl? Haha. When I explained this whole situation before, everyone said it sounded like she was waiting for me to confess so she could dump him, now everyone's saying there's no way she saw me like that in the first place. Hindsight bias, I guess... I've behaved myself though. I stopped checking her AIM/Facebook, and I stopped checking her BF's too, which I only did in the first place because he's the kind of guy to make some big statement about his relationships via away message, and I was curious naturally. It's been about 3 days since I've checked either, and about 5 days since I spoke to her at all. So, progress is progress... Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 Man, where the hell were you guys when I made my original thread about this girl? Haha. When I explained this whole situation before, everyone said it sounded like she was waiting for me to confess so she could dump him, now everyone's saying there's no way she saw me like that in the first place. Hindsight bias, I guess... I've behaved myself though. I stopped checking her AIM/Facebook, and I stopped checking her BF's too, which I only did in the first place because he's the kind of guy to make some big statement about his relationships via away message, and I was curious naturally. It's been about 3 days since I've checked either, and about 5 days since I spoke to her at all. So, progress is progress... Well you've managed to take rejection at face value, and is taking it in a rather good way. I really disagree with the other posters that you can't be friends with her anymore. I certainly think you and her can maintain the friendship, it's just right now it's in your best interest, to separate yourselves from each other. She's preoccupied with her dramas, and you're dealing with your own problems. Don't make it a yes or no situation. Just because she doesn't want to be with you, does not in any way means that she doesn't want to be your friend. Unless she starts crying on your shoulders everytime something goes bad with her bf. Then she's being inconsiderate. I think you really should try to preoccupy yourself with other things. Try to stay away from AIM/facebook for a while. It's pretty addicting. Instead, go ahead and try making new friends at school or picking up a new hobby. I, especially, recommend making new friends, because they take you away from having to think about the girl. New friends will most likely gaurantee new interests. Link to post Share on other sites
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