chasinlove Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I am 27 year old woman and have been in a relationship for 3.5 years with my 27 year old boyfriend. He lives in FL and I live in CA. We met back in college and were just friends, but soon after graduating we started dating. I am finishing up graduate school in CA in a couple of months and have started trying to talk to him about out possible future together. My plan was to get engaged, move there and live with him for the next year before we got married. He all of a sudden is saying that he isnt sure he wants to marry me. He even said that he doesnt want me to move there anymore, but still wants to remain in this relationship. His excuse is that he is not sure I am the one and he thinks he will be too busy with work and doesnt want to feel guilty for making me move for him. I am so hurt he is doing this because though out our relationship, we always talked about that "one day" that we would finally get to be together, and now when it is so close, he starts to run? We had even broken up about 1.5 years ago and he begged to be back together with me, saying that he is ready to move forward with me and cant wait until I finish grad school so we could be together. Anyway, I finally broke up with him and told him that I couldnt change what I wanted, and I didnt just want to date him anymore...especially not in long distance! But now I am unhappy being without him, and I dont know what to do anymore. Someone please help:( Link to post Share on other sites
babycheeks Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 (edited) Honey, break up was right he basically told you, hes not sure your the one that is a clear sign for you, he told you flat out.. this is best for you in the end you will find someone who wants the same things you want.. he was not on the same level as you... find someone who is... sorry i know it hurts im there too and mine was 5 years, how long your with someone has nothing to do with will they marry you, just needs to be ready mutual and true to heart, one rule never force or pressure it they need to want it and love you for the full package.. 27 isnt so bad im 26 myself, id love to get married too.. but its a matter of finding the same level head as ourselves for all you know you may find him tomorrow and then again honey you may be 45 years old.. just dont settle for less again.. find someone who wants the same in the future make sure they are mature and ready for this type of commitment in a relationship and there done with the game playing and find out not by words but actions less likely to hurt then:) Edited March 13, 2008 by babycheeks Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I would seriously considering breaking up with him. As painful as it will be for you, I think you'll be saving yourself from some major future hurt. I don't know the details of your story, the dynamics of your R, your personalities, etc... However, when a man says, "I'm not sure you're the one" (or when either partner says it), it is the kiss of death. If there are no tangible reasons for his recent change of heart (i.e. you two disagree on major issues, have communication issues, etc), I would just admit defeat and walk away. Can you actually have a future with someone who suddenly tells you he doesn't want you to move in with him (despite promises he's made in the past)? Not only has he changed his mind (a fickle man he is), he has also not given you much of a reason for this change. You are left to wonder what the heck is going on. He is inconsiderate of your feelings. I would ask him why he feels this way now. Ask him why he made certain promises before - why he led to you think you two had a definite future. Ask him for answers, then decide what you want to do. Do not waste your time on someone who is stringing you along. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Anyway, I finally broke up with him and told him that I couldnt change what I wanted, and I didnt just want to date him anymore...especially not in long distance! But now I am unhappy being without him, and I dont know what to do anymore. Someone please help:( What to do? You already took the first step. The next would be to stop all contact so that you can get your head and heart back together, and move forward with your life. If he tries to get back in, let him down and don't look back. You will not be able to heal as long as you are in contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 (edited) We had even broken up about 1.5 years ago and he begged to be back together with me, saying that he is ready to move forward with me and cant wait until I finish grad school so we could be together. chasinlove, If I'm interpreting your post correctly, this is the second time this guy has had doubts about marrying you. Let's say somehow you are successful in beating him down and getting him to agree to marriage. Would you like to spend the rest of your life with him wondering whether or not his heart is in it? Do you want to constantly worry he's seeing someone else on the side because "you're not the one?" Anyway, I finally broke up with him and told him that I couldnt change what I wanted, and I didnt just want to date him anymore...especially not in long distance! But now I am unhappy being without him, and I dont know what to do anymore. Someone please help:( I think you did the right thing. Yes, it's heart-breaking, maddening and just plain awful to have spent more than three years of your life on a relationship that you thought was headed one way, but turns out was headed in another. But, better to know now than later and go through even more heartache. Kudos to you for knowing what you want and not settling for less. With your grad degree almost finished you're poised to start the next chapter in your life. Concentrate on getting that aspect of your life sorted out and settled right now. Your personal life will follow. Just keep the faith and stay strong. Best, TMichaels Edited March 13, 2008 by TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
babycheeks Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Tmicheals i always love ur answers ur just flawless between u and chuck the best on the boards! Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Tmicheals i always love ur answers ur just flawless between u and chuck the best on the boards! :o:o Well geez, babycheeks. Glad you find my musings worth the effort. We're all just trying to find our way in life, and it's always good to have a little help along the way... Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
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