It can work

[Hope4usyet]

Let me start by saying i did not go out with the intention of having an affair and its not something im proud of, but i would not change a thing as im the happiest ive been. I met my partner whilst he was married and we had every intention of only being friends. After a couple of weeks things moved to the next level and although i knew it was wrong it still FELT right and over the following couple of weeks I knew that i loved him and that he loved me. I did not ask him to leave his wife, i just made him realise that doing the right thing by her and his daughter was not always the best thing and if he wanted to be completly happy he had to follow his heart. His heart led him to my door and i do not feel guilty or ashamed that he left his wife because that was his decision and his alone. Admittedly things have not been easy and his wife has taken it hard and tried to make life difficult for us but i do not blame her, i know she is bitter and still loves him, i cant blame her for that, but she cant blame me for loving him either. We have been togeather for a year now and i know he has no intention of going back to her, we are happy and it can work out. Dont give up hope

[OWoman]

Let me start by saying i did not go out with the intention of having an affair and its not something im proud of, but i would not change a thing as im the happiest ive been. I met my partner whilst he was married and we had every intention of only being friends. After a couple of weeks things moved to the next level and although i knew it was wrong it still FELT right and over the following couple of weeks I knew that i loved him and that he loved me. I did not ask him to leave his wife, i just made him realise that doing the right thing by her and his daughter was not always the best thing and if he wanted to be completly happy he had to follow his heart. His heart led him to my door and i do not feel guilty or ashamed that he left his wife because that was his decision and his alone. Admittedly things have not been easy and his wife has taken it hard and tried to make life difficult for us but i do not blame her, i know she is bitter and still loves him, i cant blame her for that, but she cant blame me for loving him either. We have been togeather for a year now and i know he has no intention of going back to her, we are happy and it can work out. Dont give up hope

 

Welcome, Hope!

 

Thanks for sharing your story of hope. Sometimes those of us OW whose MMs did leave their Ms are painted as freaks, so it's always nice to hear of other happy endings.

[OpenBook]

Welcome, Hope!

 

Thanks for sharing your story of hope. Sometimes those of us OW whose MMs did leave their Ms are painted as freaks, so it's always nice to hear of other happy endings.

 

Painted as freaks??!? That's a little mild, don't you think?? There are many posters here who would rather see the OW drawn and quartered. Welcome, Hope, and I hope you have thick skin!!

[Hope4usyet]

I dont expect to have an easy ride here by any means!!! But is my freedom of speech to express my story. I dont think anybody should be unhappy and miserable in their marriage and there is always someone who gets hurt in the end. The OW are branded as home wrekers and all sorts of other names but you cannot steal a man if he does not want to be stolen, they are obviously unhappy and if he does leave for another woman and has a second chance at happiness who are any of us to stand in the way

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, Hope it sounds like you found one of the few MM who were on the way out anyway. They are the ones who leave fairly early on, because they were thinking 'divorce' before the affair even started and were just looking for the right time and opportunity to do leave. When that happens often the MM ends up leaving the OW too in order to get the 'clean slate' and play the field for while (exit affair). Doesn't sound like the case here, though.

 

Unfortunately, most MM simply stay married, because they didn't intend to divorce in the first place and an affair isn't going to change that (unless his W busts him and throws him out).

 

Luck of the draw for you, I guess in that it sounds like he was already divorce minded and didn't use you as an exit affair. That's pretty rare. I wouldn't go encouraging every OW out there to hold on to the hope of this happening, but I'm sure that reading a story like yours makes OW out there hope that their situation can turn out this way too.

[Hope4usyet]

I thought the same to myself. I asked my partner if he had not met me would he have stayed at home with his wife and he said YES, i asked why and he said that although he didnt want to be there he would have stayed because he didnt have the courage to leave. He needed the reasurrance (be from me or another person) that it was ok to want happiness for himself and this was not selfish. Not all MM have the intention of messing the OW around, sometimes they just need that little bit of life injected into them to make them relise that you dont always have to just SETTLE for things. This also goes for MW aswell as MM. I am not encouaging an affair but it doesnt always have to be lies and deceit

[whichwayisup]

Are they divorced or just legally separated? How often does he get to see his daughter?

 

I hope for their daughters sake you all can work together to make it easier.

[HeatherK08]

I thought the same to myself. I asked my partner if he had not met me would he have stayed at home with his wife and he said YES, i asked why and he said that although he didnt want to be there he would have stayed because he didnt have the courage to leave. He needed the reasurrance (be from me or another person) that it was ok to want happiness for himself and this was not selfish. Not all MM have the intention of messing the OW around, sometimes they just need that little bit of life injected into them to make them relise that you dont always have to just SETTLE for things. This also goes for MW aswell as MM. I am not encouaging an affair but it doesnt always have to be lies and deceit

 

Wow. My MM (we're NC right now) says the same thing, and currently is trying to persuade me to still at least talk to him by email so he can keep the momentum going to have the courage to leave and be happy. It's tearing me apart. I want him to be the kind of person who won't let anything stand in the way of his happiness but he has so many years of religious and emotional traning to feel so guilty about it.

[Hope4usyet]

Are they divorced or just legally separated? How often does he get to see his daughter?

 

I hope for their daughters sake you all can work together to make it easier.

 

 

 

They are just separated not divorced and he gets to see his daughter 3 times a week. His wife is very bitter and i am not allowed contact with the child but as long as he gets to see her that all that matters just now

[LucreziaBorgia]

When is his divorce final?

[Hope4usyet]

not for a while as she wont sign the papers, but that doesnt make a difference to us. We dont plan on getting married anytime soon and we dont want feel as if we are putting her under any pressure. Some may call me a homewrecker but a aint a bitch

[LucreziaBorgia]

Ah, your situation went from rare to more common then. I wouldn't go so far as to say it worked out for you just yet.

 

Separated men have a way of staying married for years after the fact if they can get away with it. I guess living outside of the marital home with the OW is bearable enough to overlook the fact that he is still legally tied to someone else. I know OW who have spent many, many years with a separated man.

 

That said, since he is still legally tied to someone who is entitled to half of everything (and vengeful on top of that), I wouldn't count on anything until the divorce is final. I surely wouldn't agree to build a life, buy any property, or anything with him until after the divorce is final.

[OWoman]

That said, since he is still legally tied to someone who is entitled to half of everything (and vengeful on top of that), I wouldn't count on anything until the divorce is final. I surely wouldn't agree to build a life, buy any property, or anything with him until after the divorce is final.

 

I don't know American law, but in my country that would not be the default position - once the parties were separated, "accrual" would cease to operate and only that which was accrued during their time of joint cohabitation would be divided, with that which had been brought into the union retained by the original "owner" and that which was obtained subsequent to the separation excluded from any division of assets. If the parties had ELECTED to marry in community of property, then anything and everything brought into the marriage, accrued during and up to the point of the final divorce decree, would be divided equally. If there was an antenuptial contract, then that would determine the division of assets.

 

I'd explore the legal situation and proceed with caution on the basis of an informed understanding.

[nadiaj2727]

I don't know American law, but in my country that would not be the default position - once the parties were separated, "accrual" would cease to operate and only that which was accrued during their time of joint cohabitation would be divided, with that which had been brought into the union retained by the original "owner" and that which was obtained subsequent to the separation excluded from any division of assets. If the parties had ELECTED to marry in community of property, then anything and everything brought into the marriage, accrued during and up to the point of the final divorce decree, would be divided equally. If there was an antenuptial contract, then that would determine the division of assets.

 

I'd explore the legal situation and proceed with caution on the basis of an informed understanding.

 

That is very different from American law. Separation doesn't affect the marriage at all unless the parties enter a legal separation agreement (or have a separation agreement in their pre-nup). Here, if the couple separates and you doesn't do anything legally, then under the law it's just like they're still married. That's why (tax benefits, assets, etc.) some people stay "married" forever here although they live completely separate and apart from each other.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds a lot less legally tangled where you are OWoman.

 

I keep thinking about something I read on another board, where an OW had her MM move in with her and start a life together without him being divorced. They stayed together for many years, and MM bought a house for he and OW to live in and supported her. When MM died, W got everything. She even got his body. OW was literally turned out onto the street after so many years together, and was forced to take whatever work she could find and a tiny apartment to live out the rest of her years in.

 

That is an extreme case, I know - but a nightmare nonetheless.

[MimiMe]

I don't know American law, but in my country that would not be the default position - once the parties were separated, "accrual" would cease to operate and only that which was accrued during their time of joint cohabitation would be divided, with that which had been brought into the union retained by the original "owner" and that which was obtained subsequent to the separation excluded from any division of assets. If the parties had ELECTED to marry in community of property, then anything and everything brought into the marriage, accrued during and up to the point of the final divorce decree, would be divided equally. If there was an antenuptial contract, then that would determine the division of assets.

 

I'd explore the legal situation and proceed with caution on the basis of an informed understanding.

 

 

God bless America! Even though it may differ from state to state when it comes to child support %, Alimony, custody, etc... There are a lot of factors considered in a D here. Reason of filing could detemine the amount of division of assets, and you can be entitled to accrued values, even if you are no longer living together. Unless you had a prenupt, everything that you bring into the marriage is divided at the time of exiting the same, if one of the parties wants to go after it. That is why you see so many horror stories of people who are going through the process. There are many loop-holes, but it comes with the price tag of an expensive lawyer. After a year of not living together a W whose husband left the home can file for abandonment and will be granted for divorce without the H's concent and could be eligible for 85% of assets. (Now ask me how I know this... LOL! And TODAY makes a YEAR! Yippie!!!)

And may I add, in the State on NY- the person who files, is responsible for the legal fees of both parties... LOL!

[MimiMe]

It sounds a lot less legally tangled where you are OWoman.

 

I keep thinking about something I read on another board, where an OW had her MM move in with her and start a life together without him being divorced. They stayed together for many years, and MM bought a house for he and OW to live in and supported her. When MM died, W got everything. She even got his body. OW was literally turned out onto the street after so many years together, and was forced to take whatever work she could find and a tiny apartment to live out the rest of her years in.

 

That is an extreme case, I know - but a nightmare nonetheless.

 

Have worked on a similar scenario. MM left the W for one of the assistants here, he was actually a client! LOL! very wealthy guy. Sometimes people dont expect to expire so soon in life. He died like 2yrs later in an accident. Never changed his will, nor put any liquid cash aside for the OW, W got it all!! the insurances, millions in liquid, properties, pension, etc...

OW had to go back into the Corp. world and get a 9-5. Sad!

I want to say that is the fault of the OW though... you should look for the proper advisor (legal, financial) or at least have a stach of cash aside or open up an account only under your name, if you know that this person is still legally binded to someone else... because $hit happens!!

[nadiaj2727]

God bless America! Even though it may differ from state to state when it comes to child support %, Alimony, custody, etc... There are a lot of factors considered in a D here. Reason of filing could detemine the amount of division of assets, and you can be entitled to accrued values, even if you are no longer living together. Unless you had a prenupt, everything that you bring into the marriage is divided at the time of exiting the same, if one of the parties wants to go after it. That is why you see so many horror stories of people who are going through the process. There are many loop-holes, but it comes with the price tag of an expensive lawyer. After a year of not living together a W whose husband left the home can file for abandonment and will be granted for divorce without the H's concent and could be eligible for 85% of assets. (Now ask me how I know this... LOL! And TODAY makes a YEAR! Yippie!!!)

And may I add, in the State on NY- the person who files, is responsible for the legal fees of both parties... LOL!

 

Divorce law definitely varies state to state. The biggest difference is whether you live in a common law state or a community property state. Really there is no way to know how to best protect oneself in a divorce without seeing a divorce lawyer licensed in your state.

 

Regarding OWs whose MM dies and leaves everything to the wife. This is something that hit me hard when I was OW. xMM had moved out and into his own place. We spent every day and night together. We both felt we were so in love and we both felt we had a real relationship. But then things would start to hit me to show me that the relationship wasn't real to anyone but our minds. If he got hurt and ended up in the hospital, the hospital would call his wife, and no one would call me. I probably wouldn't find out about it until someone said something at work!! And God forbid if he died, then yes, she would get all the assets and finances and she would get the emotional support... I doubt I would even get to go to the funeral, or even if I did, it would be as a "co-worker" and I would be left feeling like my soulmate had been taken from me and I wouldn't be able to share my pain with anyone but my sister and my therapist.... just like everything else about our so-called "relationship"!!!

 

I finally realized that that's how it *should* be while they're still married. She's his wife and entitled to his financial resources and emotional support. If he really wanted to be with me, he would change that. I had no right to feel sorry for myself because of things that showed me our relationship wasn't real to anyone but us. I decided I didn't want to be with him anymore until our relationship was real to everyone and open and public. If anything happened to him, someone would call me first (and vice versa). When we shared such close feelings with each other and he claimed that I was the most important person in his life and I meant so much to him, then he shouldn't be sharing his life (in terms of a jointly owned house, property, assets, etc.) with someone else.

 

There were a lot of different reasons I no longer wanted to be an OW -- a lot of moral reasons outside of the relationship but that was definitely a big reason WITHIN the relationship that I wanted to stop being an OW. I thought, I am going to have everything I deserve in a relationship with someone I love and who says they love me, or I am going to give nothing to them.

[MimiMe]

Divorce law definitely varies state to state. The biggest difference is whether you live in a common law state or a community property state. Really there is no way to know how to best protect oneself in a divorce without seeing a divorce lawyer licensed in your state.

 

Regarding OWs whose MM dies and leaves everything to the wife. This is something that hit me hard when I was OW. xMM had moved out and into his own place. We spent every day and night together. We both felt we were so in love and we both felt we had a real relationship. But then things would start to hit me to show me that the relationship wasn't real to anyone but our minds. If he got hurt and ended up in the hospital, the hospital would call his wife, and no one would call me. I probably wouldn't find out about it until someone said something at work!! And God forbid if he died, then yes, she would get all the assets and finances and she would get the emotional support... I doubt I would even get to go to the funeral, or even if I did, it would be as a "co-worker" and I would be left feeling like my soulmate had been taken from me and I wouldn't be able to share my pain with anyone but my sister and my therapist.... just like everything else about our so-called "relationship"!!!

 

I finally realized that that's how it *should* be while they're still married. She's his wife and entitled to his financial resources and emotional support. If he really wanted to be with me, he would change that. I had no right to feel sorry for myself because of things that showed me our relationship wasn't real to anyone but us. I decided I didn't want to be with him anymore until our relationship was real to everyone and open and public. If anything happened to him, someone would call me first (and vice versa). When we shared such close feelings with each other and he claimed that I was the most important person in his life and I meant so much to him, then he shouldn't be sharing his life (in terms of a jointly owned house, property, assets, etc.) with someone else.

 

There were a lot of different reasons I no longer wanted to be an OW -- a lot of moral reasons outside of the relationship but that was definitely a big reason WITHIN the relationship that I wanted to stop being an OW. I thought, I am going to have everything I deserve in a relationship with someone I love and who says they love me, or I am going to give nothing to them.

 

 

And as the Eloquent Lady that you are (and many here) YOU DESERVE all of that as well!!

Want to write to my stbxH- OW? LOL! she doesn't seem to get it and I sit on the other side of the spectrum saying...

"Why would you want to be with someone that already offered all a women deserves to someone else AND yet doesn't want to even end that part legally??" (which means he CANT offer it to you even if he wanted to!! at least in my situation, he cant!)

 

One reason why I can be granted a divorce without his concent is because he is in prison, and after one year (marking the calendar today!!!) of him not living in my home- it's considered abandonment in the state of NY. Yes, even if he is incarcerated.

 

Besides, I am not going to be taken for a ride either. In my personal situation, if I am still married to him when his broke a$$ comes back I can be liable to give him financial support. The law applies to both H or W!!!

[nadiaj2727]

And as the Eloquent Lady that you are (and many here) YOU DESERVE all of that as well!!

Want to write to my stbxH- OW? LOL! she doesn't seem to get it and I sit on the other side of the spectrum saying...

"Why would you want to be with someone that already offered all a women deserves to someone else AND yet doesn't want to even end that part legally??" (which means he CANT offer it to you even if he wanted to!! at least in my situation, he cant!)

 

I say that to the OW on here and some hate me for it. There is no reason for a man to stay legally tied to a woman if he sincerely loves and wants to be with another woman. I don't buy any BS excuses... people get divorced all the time, we always hear about the high divorce rates in our country but somehow all the cheating married men have no problem staying married and keeping their OW too. Lucky bast&rds LOL.

 

I honestly don't understand why any woman would want to settle for that. My personal opinion based on experience is that it means she is in a bad place personally or she isn't feeling all that great about herself at that time or perhaps never has. I have read a lot of OW stories on here and none of them have proved my personal opinion wrong although of course a lot of them disagree. I think that some people (men and women included) just love the wrong people so much because they don't truly love themselves. At least I did, in the past. That's why I don't think "love" is a good excuse for anything... if you don't really love yourself and accept yourself, you may feel you "love" someone but really it is just an escape from having to live with yourself. Love is not meant to save us from ourselves, it is meant to be something that enhances our life and enhances the life of our partner (so I don't see how being married ot someone else can go along with "love" in an MM/ OW relationship).

 

I finally love myself and I won't settle to be the OW, I don't care if he lives in another state from his wife and he claims he is the "process" of divorce (I love that word ha ha ha)... I say buddy you better be good and divorced and show me the papers, and even then you better have worked out your past issues because I sure have spent a lot of time working out mine and I am not your therapist or your mattress or your pillow or your stress-soaking sponge... I am my own happy person and I will accept no less in a partner. I would love to write to your stbxh's OW and tell her that but I doubt she'll listen. She feels she's found the love of her life in that cheating slimeball and that he will never do it again because now for the first time in his life he's in love. Well good luck to her, she's going to need it!

 

One reason why I can be granted a divorce without his concent is because he is in prison, and after one year (marking the calendar today!!!) of him not living in my home- it's considered abandonment in the state of NY. Yes, even if he is incarcerated.

 

Besides, I am not going to be taken for a ride either. In my personal situation, if I am still married to him when his broke a$$ comes back I can be liable to give him financial support. The law applies to both H or W!!!

 

Good for you. I am so glad you are moving on from this person, he sounds like he only brought you down. I hope he finds happily ever after with OW. Maybe she can fix all his messy problems (which I'm sure they both blame on you).

[HeatherK08]

I say that to the OW on here and some hate me for it. There is no reason for a man to stay legally tied to a woman if he sincerely loves and wants to be with another woman. I don't buy any BS excuses... people get divorced all the time, we always hear about the high divorce rates in our country but somehow all the cheating married men have no problem staying married and keeping their OW too. Lucky bast&rds LOL.

 

I honestly don't understand why any woman would want to settle for that. My personal opinion based on experience is that it means she is in a bad place personally or she isn't feeling all that great about herself at that time or perhaps never has. I have read a lot of OW stories on here and none of them have proved my personal opinion wrong although of course a lot of them disagree. I think that some people (men and women included) just love the wrong people so much because they don't truly love themselves. At least I did, in the past. That's why I don't think "love" is a good excuse for anything... if you don't really love yourself and accept yourself, you may feel you "love" someone but really it is just an escape from having to live with yourself. Love is not meant to save us from ourselves, it is meant to be something that enhances our life and enhances the life of our partner (so I don't see how being married ot someone else can go along with "love" in an MM/ OW relationship).

 

I finally love myself and I won't settle to be the OW, I don't care if he lives in another state from his wife and he claims he is the "process" of divorce (I love that word ha ha ha)... I say buddy you better be good and divorced and show me the papers, and even then you better have worked out your past issues because I sure have spent a lot of time working out mine and I am not your therapist or your mattress or your pillow or your stress-soaking sponge... I am my own happy person and I will accept no less in a partner. I would love to write to your stbxh's OW and tell her that but I doubt she'll listen. She feels she's found the love of her life in that cheating slimeball and that he will never do it again because now for the first time in his life he's in love. Well good luck to her, she's going to need it!

 

 

 

Good for you. I am so glad you are moving on from this person, he sounds like he only brought you down. I hope he finds happily ever after with OW. Maybe she can fix all his messy problems (which I'm sure they both blame on you).

 

You're an awesome lady

 

Have you been through a divorce though? I'm not making excuses, however being through on myself, I can tell ya it's no joy ride, especially if it's contested. Now a man is a different creature and could drag that out to keep both women in his sights. I'm just saying that for myself, I was definitely separated and on my way to divorcing and was able to have a committed relationship with someone else for two years who actually helped me very much to get through the process, I was a mess. Family court is sooooo depressing, the court dates, the financial issues, it's really a big mess that you want to AVOID at all costs, and men are soooo quick to escape from stuff like that. I honestly don't know how long it would've taken me if that person I was with didn't push me to do it, I was avoiding the confrontation for so long :/ and he made me realize how important it was to get it over with.

[MimiMe]

I say that to the OW on here and some hate me for it. There is no reason for a man to stay legally tied to a woman if he sincerely loves and wants to be with another woman. I don't buy any BS excuses... people get divorced all the time, we always hear about the high divorce rates in our country but somehow all the cheating married men have no problem staying married and keeping their OW too. Lucky bast&rds LOL.

 

I honestly don't understand why any woman would want to settle for that. My personal opinion based on experience is that it means she is in a bad place personally or she isn't feeling all that great about herself at that time or perhaps never has. I have read a lot of OW stories on here and none of them have proved my personal opinion wrong although of course a lot of them disagree. I think that some people (men and women included) just love the wrong people so much because they don't truly love themselves. At least I did, in the past. That's why I don't think "love" is a good excuse for anything... if you don't really love yourself and accept yourself, you may feel you "love" someone but really it is just an escape from having to live with yourself. Love is not meant to save us from ourselves, it is meant to be something that enhances our life and enhances the life of our partner (so I don't see how being married ot someone else can go along with "love" in an MM/ OW relationship).

 

I finally love myself and I won't settle to be the OW, I don't care if he lives in another state from his wife and he claims he is the "process" of divorce (I love that word ha ha ha)... I say buddy you better be good and divorced and show me the papers, and even then you better have worked out your past issues because I sure have spent a lot of time working out mine and I am not your therapist or your mattress or your pillow or your stress-soaking sponge... I am my own happy person and I will accept no less in a partner. I would love to write to your stbxh's OW and tell her that but I doubt she'll listen. She feels she's found the love of her life in that cheating slimeball and that he will never do it again because now for the first time in his life he's in love. Well good luck to her, she's going to need it!

 

 

 

Good for you. I am so glad you are moving on from this person, he sounds like he only brought you down. I hope he finds happily ever after with OW. Maybe she can fix all his messy problems (which I'm sure they both blame on you).

 

 

Oh Nadia... this board doesn't have enough bandwith to withold all the things I have dealt with when it comes to this marriage. Yes, I chose to stay in the cypher but I also now chosen to walk away from it. After 15yrs of knowing each other and 11 committed, 2 kids, best-friends, businesses, homes and all in between he can do that to me... what's in store for her? I am ashamed to have shared my life with such a loser!

Anyway, before all the OW here come and tell me to "shutdafackup!" and send me flying to the forum of the "pathetic- wives"

Is there private messenger here?? wtf!!

[GreenEyedLady]

Sheesh!

 

Who cares about money and 1/2 of property?

 

Is that all that matters to married people?!

 

No wonder they go out and find mistresses...

 

I'd gladly give up property for love...

 

Money can't buy everything...

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't think its the 'half of everything' mindset that bothers people. What upsets people is the idea that MM refuses to give up half of his defunct married life for a whole life with OW, and provide her with the legal protections that she should be entitled to when she is building a life and a future with him.

 

You are right - money can't buy everything - particularly not love, but it surely can be put toward getting a divorce, and getting that love into the legal 'free and clear' in order to build a life that someone else won't be entitled to part of should something happen to MM.

Edited March 16, 2008 by LucreziaBorgia

[phoenixgirl]

Nadia, your words have really hit home to me - not just on this thread but many others as well.

 

You hit it on the head when you talked about some OWs (okay, I personalized) who don't love themselves enough... of course this is not across the board and nobody is saying it's the only reason anybody ever gets into A's; but I know for a fact that it's one of the things I'm working on in therapy. LONG before the A ended, in fact. So thank you for that perspective. I appreciate that.