SerenityX2 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 (edited) My post was never meant for GEL...wasn't even addressed to her. Edited March 24, 2008 by SerenityX2 Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Nadia, your words have really hit home to me - not just on this thread but many others as well. You hit it on the head when you talked about some OWs (okay, I personalized) who don't love themselves enough... of course this is not across the board and nobody is saying it's the only reason anybody ever gets into A's; but I know for a fact that it's one of the things I'm working on in therapy. LONG before the A ended, in fact. So thank you for that perspective. I appreciate that. I'm glad I could help you. I just re-visited this thread and it's grown a lot since I last posted LOL. So I just wanted to say I hope you continue on your journey towards loving yourself completely. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 You're an awesome lady Have you been through a divorce though? I'm not making excuses, however being through on myself, I can tell ya it's no joy ride, especially if it's contested. Now a man is a different creature and could drag that out to keep both women in his sights. I'm just saying that for myself, I was definitely separated and on my way to divorcing and was able to have a committed relationship with someone else for two years who actually helped me very much to get through the process, I was a mess. Family court is sooooo depressing, the court dates, the financial issues, it's really a big mess that you want to AVOID at all costs, and men are soooo quick to escape from stuff like that. I honestly don't know how long it would've taken me if that person I was with didn't push me to do it, I was avoiding the confrontation for so long :/ and he made me realize how important it was to get it over with. Nope, I've never been through a divorce and I hope I never have to be, I hear what you're saying that it's hard! I do have friends who have gotten divorced, some have been right away (in my state it can take just 2 weeks) and others have been more drawn out. I have read that there is a difference between men and women because men see divorce as letting down society's view of them, like they are supposed to be providers and take care of their families/ wives, etc. So they feel down on themselves and more hesitant to get divorced. Yet for women it can be liberating, like freedom! Yes this is generalizing but from what I have seen, women are a lot more likely to be proactive if they want a divorce and to be *happy* when it's over, wheras men tend to waffle and have a hard time with their decision. Men want to always look like the "good guys" and I think that women have been blamed for everything since Eve so we just want to be happy and do what works best for us, and not care *as much* what everyone else thinks. That's my theory anyway. I also think it's different once a third party is involved. Sometimes people re-write history and act like their marriage was horrible and they were going to get divorced for a long time. Of course, every marriage has ups and downs and it's easy to focus on the downs to justify sleeping with someone else. Therefore MM thinks he needs to get divorced since his marriage is so bad and he's now in love with OW... but then something sometimes stops him from going through with it, because really part of him does love his wife and doesn't want to end the marriage. So I think it's hard to compare a divorce in which the man knows he wants it and it's what's best for him and a divorce that happens or is supposed to happen after a man cheats on his wife. Regardless I think that if someone really wants divorced, they will get divorced, no matter if they're a man or a woman or if they have another lover or not. If someone wants something badly enough, they do it and take the risks and consequences that come with it. Of course I am not trying to minimize the difficulty of divorce... I am just saying that if he wants it, he will get it, no matter how hard it is. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I gave up more than I should have in my D and it wasn't my fault, but I am the one who left... But I didn't CARE...I would've paid any amount of money to be rid of my XH...ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY... Possesions and property can be replaced...Sanity, not so easy... Right, that's why MM shouldn't give OW excuses like money and material possessions as to why they stay married. You are right, no amount of money could keep me with the wrong person and away from the person I love. So that's why I think that when MM use those excuses, it's all just a bunch of BS and the real reason is, he doesn't want to leave his marriage to be with OW. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I guess you don't remember my story... I gave up more than I should have in my D and it wasn't my fault, but I am the one who left... But I didn't CARE...I would've paid any amount of money to be rid of my XH...ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY... Possesions and property can be replaced...Sanity, not so easy... I make my own money and have taken care of myself and my children...I don't NEED a man to do that... And don't worry about my honey and me...We'll be just fine... Key Fact: You were the one that left and you were trying to get rid of someone that sounds like he was bad for your health. Not the same when the decision of ending a marriage and breaking a family was not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Yes, if you're committed you're allowed to look over the menu, but you NEVER order But if you look over that menu long enough and you're hungry, you ARE gonna order. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I needed that! My MM and I love each other so much and we are so happy together. so why isn't he getting a divorce then? Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I'm divorced, see the above post (reoky to WWIU)...I left for my own sanity... It's too bad that many states don't prescribe to your formula for D...Or then maybe that is a good thing... The fact is, you're not entitled to anything...and maybe if you had realized that while you were married, you wouldn't be getting divorced... GEL HA! You're something else:laugh:. and I am not sure in which state you live, but someone like me (and the story behind it which you may not be familiar with) it's ENTITLED to all. LOL! Just like your story is "fairy tale" ending and kudos to ya! Mine has facts that unfortunately to many OW in that position it may come across as the scorned, bitter, let's duke it out in front of the judge type biotch. Like I said before... "every head is a different world" and that comes with different rules to apply. It is what it is... I built an enterprise and if I am not breaking it, I AM walking away with it. Your situation sounded like you were trying to get out of it no matter what and you did by paying the price. Good that it worked out. My marriage didn't fail because of what I was entitled to or not (which contradicts many of your other points- why you gave more if in your book nobody is "entitled"?) more like a case of mediocraty and "he wasn't men enough for me" and ruined his life by mingling with trash. He's in jail and with a GF that I happen to have a restraining order against for showing up at my house to assault me in the middle of the night... that should sums them up. They are made for each other!! So to that I say... GIMME MY MONEY!!! For the rec's, I dont need for a man to support me or my kids either, but it is their fathers responsability to support them. This was my husband, not some dude that got me pregnant and now I wanted half. Met him when he had a dream which I happened to finance and moraly support. Still think that I am not entitled to anything?? you're buggin. If you have a daughter, I hope you never seer her go through what my mother same me... Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Hey GEL, how are you doing? GEL, why is that Serenity wished you'd read Nadia's post? Are you not happy or something? I'm asking this cause I'm a bit confused... Lyssa, I don't think she meant "GEL, read nadia's post." She meant "GL [good luck, I think?], read Nadia's post", to the original poster. I was confused by that too because there's not much GEL can gain from my posts, we are in completely different situations! But then I realized that Serenity often writes "GL" for "good luck", I think. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Wow, that's quite a generalization! While we're psychoanalyzing OW's as a group, why don't we take a look at CH's as well? Why do they cheat (as a group)? If you say it's because of lack of character, I hope you realize that you are condemning over half of all men who are married. That's an awful lot of men. My point is, I think it's way more complicated than self-esteem and personal character. I for one do think that people cheat because they lack character. I think if you have a good character, you won't cheat on someone you're committed to. You will get out of the relationship first. And I'd like to know why you think over half of all married men cheat. If they do, okay then yes, they have bad character. I don't see how that's such an over-generalization, it is more of an opinion. I no longer want to cheat or help someone cheat because I have a better character now, and I no longer want to be with a cheater because I think that shows bad character. *shrug* Of course you don't have to agree but that's my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I am doing wonderful darling! Everything is falling into place and it's smooth sailing! (Really surprised at how smooth, but thankful!) I You're an experience lady I assume... so the storms, rough tides and shattering impacts that life will throw at you should be a piece of cake right? I think you did something really good in your past life and you are getting a break. Unless you're darth vader. LOL! Watch him show up now with his glwoing sword. hahahah! Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 OMG! This is hilarious! Hmm, are you an alter ego? Yeah GEL that must be it, Serenity is my alter ego. Not only am I *really* a BS posing as a former OW, but I also make up alter egos and tell other people to read my posts. What's next LOL. Some people just really don't like what I have to say around here. Well that's tough luck for you but it doesn't mean I'm anyone else besides who I've been saying I am from day 1. And while I'm honored she thinks my posts are insightful and directs other people to them, I've never seen or heard of her before in my life. It also doesn't mean she was talking to you, GEL. Go back and reread her post, she didn't say "GEL, read Nadia's posts." Geez. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 But if you look over that menu long enough and you're hungry, you ARE gonna order. No, you go HOME and get something to eat Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 My post was never meant for GEL...wasn't even addressed to her. My bad. Sorry. Lyssa, I don't think she meant "GEL, read nadia's post." She meant "GL [good luck, I think?], read Nadia's post", to the original poster. I was confused by that too because there's not much GEL can gain from my posts, we are in completely different situations! But then I realized that Serenity often writes "GL" for "good luck", I think. LOL - yeah okay. I don't see people using GL that often and somehow I took it as GEL. Thanks for the clarification, Nadia. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Yeah GEL that must be it, Serenity is my alter ego. Nadia, I don't think she meant you as the alter ego... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 I guess I am at a different point in my life now... I don't feel like I need to explain anything to anyone anymore!!!! Hooray! It is wonderful to just be completely HAPPY now! I hope that everyone gets to the same point at some time in the future...Doesn't mean you're in fairytale land all the time, just means you're happy with your LIFE, whatever that means to you... You can take my comments however you want to...I'm past the explaining stage... Peace... Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 Nadia, I don't think she meant you as the alter ego... I want an alter ego - I feel deprived now Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted March 27, 2008 Share Posted March 27, 2008 I'm divorced, see the above post (reoky to WWIU)...I left for my own sanity... It's too bad that many states don't prescribe to your formula for D...Or then maybe that is a good thing... The fact is, you're not entitled to anything...and maybe if you had realized that while you were married, you wouldn't be getting divorced... GEL Ah yet another stab at a BS. Nice, real nice. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 27, 2008 Share Posted March 27, 2008 Ah yet another stab at a BS. Nice, real nice. For realz... and this is coming from someone that is a cheater and a cheatee (just made that one up) lol! Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 27, 2008 Share Posted March 27, 2008 (edited) I guess I am at a different point in my life now... I don't feel like I need to explain anything to anyone anymore!!!! Hooray! It is wonderful to just be completely HAPPY now! I hope that everyone gets to the same point at some time in the future...Doesn't mean you're in fairytale land all the time, just means you're happy with your LIFE, whatever that means to you... You can take my comments however you want to...I'm past the explaining stage... Peace... But question for you- Are you happy with your life because you are in this relationship that you have waited so long to get exclusivity? Or Are you happy with your life because you have accomplished all your goals? Even though being sentimentally content is primary, there are other things in life that matter. (just wondering) If in fact, your life is so complete and flawless and you are living in total bliss... bottle the potion and sell it, you'll make trillions!!! Edited March 27, 2008 by MimiMe Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2008 Share Posted March 27, 2008 Many people rely on 'relationship' status to feel complete and fully happy. The thing is, one can be married or in a relationship and still feel unhappy and unfulfilled. The key is to have a balanced happiness, so when one portion of your (general you here) life may not be as great as other parts, it equals out and you don't end up relying on that ONE particular thing/person to make you feel happy. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 But question for you- Are you happy with your life because you are in this relationship that you have waited so long to get exclusivity? Or Are you happy with your life because you have accomplished all your goals? Even though being sentimentally content is primary, there are other things in life that matter. (just wondering) If in fact, your life is so complete and flawless and you are living in total bliss... bottle the potion and sell it, you'll make trillions!!! I am happy with my life, period... The R has very little to do with being happy...It's just a piece of it...I am happy with my career, my family, my friends, my education... It seems like you're making it into a competition, and that's not what it is at all... From what you've asked it seems like you assume it is the OW's GOAL to break up the M...And if you stick around long enough and keep an open mind, you'll realize that's not it at all... GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4usyet Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 I am happy with my life, period... The R has very little to do with being happy...It's just a piece of it...I am happy with my career, my family, my friends, my education... GEL I have to say that I totally agree with what you have just said. Just because I have had an affair does not make me a person that is unhappy with myself. I have a life outside of my relationship with my MM which includes my friends and family and life is very good. Since I first applied my post on here I have not received half as much criticism as I thought I would and its good to see that some people arn't as small minded as others. I dont mean that in a detrimental way either. Link to post Share on other sites
mistresswchildren Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 It's really disheartening to read that although you feel "bad" for the W you have no problem causing her hurt. And see, that's also a fundamental difference between women who refuse to engage in A's and women who don't...basic human respect, and having enough integrity to not want to hurt another human being. If for no other reason, perhaps you don't believe in M's or why M's exist etc...everyone should have basic human decency towards others it shouldn't matter if you know them. The fact that you have this outward display of a lack of love for others, (ie W)also means you really deep down are not happy with yourself, regardless of what false bravado and words that you may say. That's why I do feel compassion for you...I wish you would see yourself out of this. I just have to respond to this. Just because someone chooses (and yes I realize it is a choice) to have an affair does not mean that they do not have compassion for the W. We are all just people in this world trying to find a connection with someone else. When that person happens to be a MM, it does not mean that we have a relationship with the intent of hurting others. I feel that it is narrow minded to think that this is always the case. Did it happen? Yes. Is it probable that others could be hurt? Yes. Does that automatically mean that any OW is a soulless human being that has never cared about any one else except themselves? Absolutely not. The W is a human being as well. Many OW have never even met the W, but still feel guilty and ashamed of what has happened in spite of her. There are those of us that try to stop the relationship for that specific reason. I just think that before you say that the OW doesn't care about any one else's feelings you should sit in someone else's shoes for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4usyet Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 I just have to respond to this. Just because someone chooses (and yes I realize it is a choice) to have an affair does not mean that they do not have compassion for the W. We are all just people in this world trying to find a connection with someone else. When that person happens to be a MM, it does not mean that we have a relationship with the intent of hurting others. I feel that it is narrow minded to think that this is always the case. Did it happen? Yes. Is it probable that others could be hurt? Yes. Does that automatically mean that any OW is a soulless human being that has never cared about any one else except themselves? Absolutely not. The W is a human being as well. Many OW have never even met the W, but still feel guilty and ashamed of what has happened in spite of her. There are those of us that try to stop the relationship for that specific reason. I just think that before you say that the OW doesn't care about any one else's feelings you should sit in someone else's shoes for a while. I'd just like to say BRAVO, I couldnt have put it better myself...thanku. I have the heart of a lion and would never dream of hurting anyone intentionally and just because I fell for a MM does not change this fact. I am not a heartless bitch and never have been and I bet that goes for alot of OW out there. Link to post Share on other sites
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