It can work

[Gwyneth]

That's wonderful news for you, Hope. I do agree you better have a Very thick backbone around here.

 

I too believe in miracles and know for a fact MM do leave their wives for the OW. I've seen it happen many times.

 

Best of Luck

[Hope4usyet]

May i just say to everyone that has posted about the legalaties here 'what makes you think he doesnt want to get divorced'?. In actual fact he was the one who got the papers and I, yes ME was the one who persuaded him not to force her into it, not just yet anyway. The W has alot to contend with and the wounds are still very raw with her at the moment, i dont want her to feel worse than she already does. As for the remark about me having troubles with myself you couldnt be further from the truth, I have no issues when it comes to the kind of person I am. I am very happy with my myself and my relationship. I know that alot of upset wives reading this and OW may like to believe that this is doomed because he is still legally tied to his wife but i have seen the actions that tell me otherwise. I am the one trying to keep the situation calm for the sake of everyones feelings especially the child.

[Lyssa]

In actual fact he was the one who got the papers and I, yes ME was the one who persuaded him not to force her into it, not just yet anyway.

 

If I may ask, when do you think would be the right time for him to have her sign the papers?

[Hope4usyet]

If I may ask, when do you think would be the right time for him to have her sign the papers?

 

 

 

When they can begin to have a civil conversation and when they can listen to what the other is saying. There is alot to be sorted and this cant be done if people are not on the right mind set

[Lyssa]

When they can begin to have a civil conversation and when they can listen to what the other is saying. There is alot to be sorted and this cant be done if people are not on the right mind set

 

Yup, a lot needs to be sorted out. It's even harder for two people with strong personalities!

[Hope4usyet]

You are right there and im sure when the time is right it will all fall into place. She is starting to come round to the idea that he wont be going back and hopefully she realises she has a life also and a right to find happiness and doesnt lose sight of that.

[OWoman]

You are right there and im sure when the time is right it will all fall into place. She is starting to come round to the idea that he wont be going back and hopefully she realises she has a life also and a right to find happiness and doesnt lose sight of that.

 

Good luck Hope. I hope she's not the "dog in the manger" kind of BW who decides that if she can't have MM, no one can, and tries to be as obstructive as possible during the D.

[Hope4usyet]

I hope it goes well also, believe you me. Only time will tell and what will be will be i suppose.

[Hope4usyet]

Good luck Hope. I hope she's not the "dog in the manger" kind of BW who decides that if she can't have MM, no one can, and tries to be as obstructive as possible during the D.

 

 

 

I dont think she is the dog in a manger kind of woman but i do think she will try to complicate things, which im half expecting. As long as our relationship stays strong which it will, things will work out for the best. Our main concern is that the child has the best possible upbringing, the W on the other hand is a grown woman and has her support network and is not priorety to us

[Owl]

Good luck Hope. I hope she's not the "dog in the manger" kind of BW who decides that if she can't have MM, no one can, and tries to be as obstructive as possible during the D.

 

Just a thought. Most BS's don't delay the D and "be obstructive" to show that if they can't have the WS, no one can.

 

Its actually a smart tactic. Delaying the D long enough for the reality to begin to intrude on the affair...force it out in the open for everyone to see (often WS's will continue to lie about the reasons for the divorce even while its happening). It continues the "exposure" of the affair, and at the same time still forces interaction between the WS, and the BS.

 

It gives them time to potentially win their WS back. And its often successful, if done correctly.

 

Their not being a "dog in a manger" a lot of times...they're fighting for their marriage and their family.

 

One thing I've tried to do on this forum is to see things through the "OP's eyes". That's why I don't bash OM/OW...I might post advice they don't like, but I don't agree at all with the name-calling/etc...that people often use. If all of us better understood and empathized with the other people in these situations, it would make our understanding of what's going on a lot more accurate.

[Hope4usyet]

Hence why I have not called names or tried to slate the wife in any way. I know she is hurting and im sorry for that, i really am. It is no ones fault in particular why their marriage fell apart, its one of those that just is.

[american-woman]

Let me start by saying i did not go out with the intention of having an affair and its not something im proud of, but i would not change a thing as im the happiest ive been. I met my partner whilst he was married and we had every intention of only being friends. After a couple of weeks things moved to the next level and although i knew it was wrong it still FELT right and over the following couple of weeks I knew that i loved him and that he loved me. I did not ask him to leave his wife, i just made him realise that doing the right thing by her and his daughter was not always the best thing and if he wanted to be completly happy he had to follow his heart. His heart led him to my door and i do not feel guilty or ashamed that he left his wife because that was his decision and his alone. Admittedly things have not been easy and his wife has taken it hard and tried to make life difficult for us but i do not blame her, i know she is bitter and still loves him, i cant blame her for that, but she cant blame me for loving him either. We have been togeather for a year now and i know he has no intention of going back to her, we are happy and it can work out. Dont give up hope

 

 

Could you have waited for him to divorce his wife? Or has he done that yet?

[Hope4usyet]

Could you have waited for him to divorce his wife? Or has he done that yet?

 

 

He is in the process of a divorce, she has been served with the divorce papers but it is not our intention to bully her into the divorce asap, that was a decision i made as i think she is hurting enough. As i said i didnt have any intention of having an affair it just happened, we had feelings for each other that neither of us could stop and by then it was to late

[Lyssa]

He is in the process of a divorce, she has been served with the divorce papers but it is not our intention to bully her into the divorce asap, that was a decision i made as i think she is hurting enough. As i said i didnt have any intention of having an affair it just happened, we had feelings for each other that neither of us could stop and by then it was to late

 

Are they separated currently? Do they have children?

[Hope4usyet]

Are they separated currently? Do they have children?

 

Yes he is separated and has been living away from home for a year now. He has a child who has just turned 5

[OWoman]

One thing I've tried to do on this forum is to see things through the "OP's eyes". That's why I don't bash OM/OW...I might post advice they don't like, but I don't agree at all with the name-calling/etc...that people often use. If all of us better understood and empathized with the other people in these situations, it would make our understanding of what's going on a lot more accurate.

 

Owl - my intention wasn't to "name call" or whatever. Given the OP's situation, of a MM that's been separated for so long from his W, and their backing off with pushing through the D to spare her feelings, I was just stating that I hoped there was some kind of reciprocity of that generosity. The W may read their holding back as giving her power, and may choose to use that power to try to thwart any "next steps" the OP and MM may plan on taking (if she thinks they may be planning to M themselves, for example) and so may then stall as long as she can to prevent them getting to that point.

 

It wasn't a comment on BWs in general - and neither on this specific BW whom I don't know from Adam - but on the situation in which generosity from the OP and MM places power in the BW's hands which SOME BWs in that situation may choose to take advantage of, to the detriment of the OP and MM.

 

Hope has already commented that she doesn't think BW would do the dog-in-a-manger number but she does expect complications, so it sounds as if she's well up to speed on what to watch out for and not in need of my caution anyway!

 

(But yes Owl, I do know of a couple of cases where the BW has done this, so it's not a complete fiction on my part!)

[Hope4usyet]

Owl - my intention wasn't to "name call" or whatever. Given the OP's situation, of a MM that's been separated for so long from his W, and their backing off with pushing through the D to spare her feelings, I was just stating that I hoped there was some kind of reciprocity of that generosity. The W may read their holding back as giving her power, and may choose to use that power to try to thwart any "next steps" the OP and MM may plan on taking (if she thinks they may be planning to M themselves, for example) and so may then stall as long as she can to prevent them getting to that point.]

 

 

I completly agree with what you just said there and there are many women out there who will push there marital limits too the limit( if you know what I mean). I def know im not in for an easy ride and its going to be difficult, but life in general is difficult. I had to laugh at the comment someone made about me not beeing happy with myself, why do people seem to assume that? lol

[MimiMe]

Sheesh!

 

Who cares about money and 1/2 of property?

 

Is that all that matters to married people?!

 

No wonder they go out and find mistresses...

 

I'd gladly give up property for love...

 

Money can't buy everything...

 

 

Money doesn't buy you love... but I guess it will varied from person to person. In my situation...

I worked and contributed to the same and even sometimes more than my stbxH did... so I AM entitled to keep EVERYTHING we BOTH built for our KIDS. KIDS- you know... those that need college funds, roof over their heads, life/health insurance, etc...

I have no problem with him running off with OW, but go and start from scrath or 0, like you started it with me.

 

Greeneye... are you married?

 

I guess if you were the one leaving everything behind for the cause of "Love", perhaps you will... but if you are at the other side of the spectrum- highly doubt you'll be giving anything up.

[whichwayisup]

Greeneye... are you married?

 

In 15 years, ask GEL if money, properity and other marital items don't count if her and her MM ever break up.

[herenow]

Thank you for this post. It proves that when a MM wants to be with the OW, he will do what ever it takes to make it happen. I have always said that MM who truly love the OW will find a way. Thanks again!

 

FYI, I'm responding to the original post and the idea that a man who is in love with a OW is doing what he needs to do to be with her.

Edited March 18, 2008 by herenow

[MimiMe]

In 15 years, ask GEL if money, properity and other marital items don't count if her and her MM ever break up.

 

 

I'm sure it will, but I think it only feels like a "hold up" if you are the one that wants out and the OP is the one beefin' about the goods.

 

It's hard for someone to lose all they have worked so hard for just because your H/W decided to have a separate agenda. Bad enough BS also has to let go of what was supposed to be "for better or for worse".

[SerenityX2]

I completly agree with what you just said there and there are many women out there who will push there marital limits too the limit( if you know what I mean). I def know im not in for an easy ride and its going to be difficult, but life in general is difficult. I had to laugh at the comment someone made about me not beeing happy with myself, why do people seem to assume that? lol

 

First, I feel sorry for you and I hope that you can get to a better place where you do realize that you deserve more.

 

The reason people "assume" unhappiness is that it well, it's pretty clear that OW for the most part (Owoman comes to mind that defies that but there's nothing sim about her sitch and most other A's) do not have enough respect for themselves to say "Hey, I deserve better than someone that can only be 1/2 in a r'ship...even if it is for a short while" and walk away "before" the standard line that's bandied "oh well, it just happened before we knew it we fell in love and didn't mean for it to happen" That is a simple copout on not owning up to your part in the dissolution of their M and make no mistake, you are. The only way you wouldn't be part of it is if he divorced "before" pursuing the r'ship with you. But seriously nothing just "happens" people make conscious choices. However as it's been pointed out, rarely are people making sane choices in the cloud of an A but there are always choices, choices to engage, or choices to walk away. It's clear which one speaks of honor.

 

It's really disheartening to read that although you feel "bad" for the W you have no problem causing her hurt. And see, that's also a fundamental difference between women who refuse to engage in A's and women who don't...basic human respect, and having enough integrity to not want to hurt another human being. If for no other reason, perhaps you don't believe in M's or why M's exist etc...everyone should have basic human decency towards others it shouldn't matter if you know them.

 

The fact that you have this outward display of a lack of love for others, (ie W)also means you really deep down are not happy with yourself, regardless of what false bravado and words that you may say. That's why I do feel compassion for you...I wish you would see yourself out of this.

 

It's clear you have no idea yet just how rocky this road is going to get esp with a 5 y/o in the picture. It's quite possible if the W is being as vindictive as described the D will never warm up to you and fault you for the destruction of her parent's M...esp if it's as you say, no real reason that they are divorcing just one of those things that happens. I hope you really think about this at some point.

 

There is no need for a r'ship to have this much drama in it unless you are addicted to drama in which case those people are also not happy with themselves, they need that drama which is equated to a hot passion in their minds to feel alive.

 

The M you are with is not a good man of strong character, if he was he would have divorced, spent time alone figuring himself out (if he was indeed so unhappy in his M) THEN went back into the dating world...instead of using you as his scapegoat that supposedly now made him realize he was so unhappy.

 

Prepare yourself that you may very well be in the W's position some day, if he can do it with you, he can do it to you...I'm sure you can roll your eyes at that, but there's a reason that it's said....it's true most of the time and unfortunately your story/love affair sounds no different than countless others that came to a crashing end.

 

However that's also a paramount difference between the women who will and women who won't. The women who won't full well realize that a guy like that can always have the potential of doing it to you some day, and therefore have enough self esteem (i.e. happy with themselves) of not going down that road. Women who engage in an A don't feel enough self worth, and therefore let the man dictate how their emotions will be run on any given day and try to convince themselves and others it's all in the name of love.

 

I wish I could really convey the even though people may be experiencing hurt and pain now of letting go of something/someone they really thought they loved...it wasn't a real love at all, it just came in that guise and swept them away, but that's exactly why it may feel so euphoric, in the right time the right love will come and it can honestly be so much better than anyone ever dreamed possible.

 

Again I say this b/c it's clear you have much drama (i.e. life is hard comment) now and more to come...it's really sad you think it's "worth" it.

 

GL to you...btw I really wish you'd go and read Nadia's posts, you'd learn a lot from her..she's a very wise woman that saw the light and is a true inspiration for OW...kudos to her for being on this board.

[Hope4usyet]

In response to the last post, i wish to say that you sound very bitter towards me. Firstly you cannot try to tell me what kind of person I am or how I feel about myself...you dont know me!! And secondly I live in the real world and understand that sometimes things aren't just plain sailing. I find it very disturbing that you always seem to lead with your head and not your heart and if this is the case it will become very lonely out there. People in this world have all made mistakes and dont go out with the intention of hurting people (unless they are cold and calculated) Sometimes things DO just happen. As I have already stated it was MM decision to leave, I did not ask him to do that. He was not happy at home and did not want to stay in an unhappy home for the sake of his child. Would you want your husband to stay with you for anything other than the love he felt for you??? Would you want someone to be with you just to keep you happy??? I certainly wouldn't!!! And that is where i respect myself, I am with someone who loves me and loves being with me and we make each other happy.

[Lyssa]

Again I say this b/c it's clear you have much drama (i.e. life is hard comment) now and more to come...it's really sad you think it's "worth" it.

 

There are people out there who think it is worth it and others who think otherwise. Either way, it is their own choice.

 

OP may have more drama to come but hey, it's her life - she's dealing with it her way.

[Hope4usyet]

I would just like to add Serenity, I have just read your first post and was very moved by what you said but i just have a few questions to ask. If you had met your current husband whilst still married to your first one would you have left him and followed your heart to be with your true love. I appreciate what you have said but i also feel for my partner what you feel for your new husband. Although the circumstances are very different between us the love we feel is the same. Surely that counts for something?