Author iutlh99 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 Ahhh okay. Well, how do you feel about having this child with your ex-H whom you will raise with your current H? I think I could learn a lot from you considering I'm in a similiar situation. I do not regret the decision to have my son at all.My husband treats my son the same as he treats our children together.I love my son and hope that this situation can be worked out for his best interest.It is very very hard sometimes because of all the feelings involved.I know my son will be ok with or without my ex in his life.I have somewhat read up on your situation and honestly I would try to meet someone who will be there for you and your baby.It is very hard to try to move on...I know this because that is how I ended up in this mess...... Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 He has asked that I not speak to her again.If she contacts me I will respond but other than that I am not going to try to make anything worse for him.She knows how to get ahold of me if she would like to discuss anything.Shouldn't I respect his wishes?I would want him to respect mine. iutlh, the main issue is how will this child be parented, cared for, provided for?? Who will save for his education, who will provide proper role models?? IMHO the "sex with the exH" is secondary. Making it worse for your exH?? So what?? Considering the outcome, yeah, some people are going to be miserable.. too bad.. Let him give his wife the choice then. Point is, is that if he is going to have any contact with this child, it's going to impact his wife's life. And that better be flagged up sooner rather than later.. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I do not regret the decision to have my son at all.My husband treats my son the same as he treats our children together.I love my son and hope that this situation can be worked out for his best interest.It is very very hard sometimes because of all the feelings involved.I know my son will be ok with or without my ex in his life.I have somewhat read up on your situation and honestly I would try to meet someone who will be there for you and your baby.It is very hard to try to move on...I know this because that is how I ended up in this mess...... A part of me doesn't regret this pregnancy either. It's hard to regret a pregnancy. I do regret the way it happened, of course. I never inteneded for such a situation to happen--we all get in over our selves. I do hope that some day I can be happy with a man who will treat my children like his own--and I have faith that it will happen. Maybe not with the guy I am dating now, but some day when it's time, it will happen. I think it's wonderful considering the situation, your H has treated the baby as his own. That's such a wonderful gift, and you have found yourself a very true man. Best of Luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
Author iutlh99 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 This is one of the fundamental issues that need to be discussed. Until you put all the cards on the table any decision made will still be skewed with secrecy. What if your current H isn't comfortable with your exH being involved in the childs life?? Especially if he is willing to financially support the child and raise it within the sibling peer group and family. That is what I am afraid of.I dont want to push the issue until I see if the ex is serious about being in my sons life.My ex has the same rights to the child as I do and I can't stop him from seeing my son.....I don't want to put all this on the table if the ex is never going to be in his life.I feel it is all a big waiting game.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author iutlh99 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 A part of me doesn't regret this pregnancy either. It's hard to regret a pregnancy. I do regret the way it happened, of course. I never inteneded for such a situation to happen--we all get in over our selves. I do hope that some day I can be happy with a man who will treat my children like his own--and I have faith that it will happen. Maybe not with the guy I am dating now, but some day when it's time, it will happen. I think it's wonderful considering the situation, your H has treated the baby as his own. That's such a wonderful gift, and you have found yourself a very true man. Best of Luck to you Thank you....I honestly really need to think about some things.I have always been one to realize things when it is to late.Maybe I should tell ex if he wants to see the baby he needs to take me to court so everything can be out in the open and vistation arrangements can be made.I can't keep doing this to myself.I sabotage myself......... Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 That is what I am afraid of.I dont want to push the issue until I see if the ex is serious about being in my sons life.My ex has the same rights to the child as I do and I can't stop him from seeing my son.....I don't want to put all this on the table if the ex is never going to be in his life.I feel it is all a big waiting game.......... This is how I feel--that MM has all the rights to this child that I have. Which is why I chose not to avoid telling him I am prego by him, and is why I have left any financial decisions up to him. Afteterall, it takes two to make a baby, so he knows what he has to do, and I know he will. I'm sure in time, your ex-H will do the right thing, and if not, at least you have a loving and caring H at home who will help you get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 That is what I am afraid of.I dont want to push the issue until I see if the ex is serious about being in my sons life.My ex has the same rights to the child as I do and I can't stop him from seeing my son.....I don't want to put all this on the table if the ex is never going to be in his life.I feel it is all a big waiting game.......... I have to disagree. What if he decides he doesn't want to be in your son's life today, then 3 or 4 years from now he has a change of heart. Or the reverse. If you want him to make a timely decision, you need to tell him so. You owe your H, your son and yourself that much so that you can try to get your life back to some semblance of normal. And whatever your exH decides to do, you need to have it signed off legally to protect all parties. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iutlh99 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 iutlh, the main issue is how will this child be parented, cared for, provided for?? Who will save for his education, who will provide proper role models?? IMHO the "sex with the exH" is secondary. Making it worse for your exH?? So what?? Considering the outcome, yeah, some people are going to be miserable.. too bad.. Let him give his wife the choice then. Point is, is that if he is going to have any contact with this child, it's going to impact his wife's life. And that better be flagged up sooner rather than later.. I see what you are saying.My husband and I provide and care for the child.I have filed for child support at the ex husbands request.Any money that I recieve for him is going to be put in a savings account for college or major needs if they arise.I feel that the way he handles his wife is his business and the decisions should not be left up to her.He needs to decide what he wants as far as being in his life and then we can all go from there... Link to post Share on other sites
Author iutlh99 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 I have to disagree. What if he decides he doesn't want to be in your son's life today, then 3 or 4 years from now he has a change of heart. Or the reverse. If you want him to make a timely decision, you need to tell him so. You owe your H, your son and yourself that much so that you can try to get your life back to some semblance of normal. And whatever your exH decides to do, you need to have it signed off legally to protect all parties. I have made it very clear to him that he needs to make a decision.I am waiting to give him a chance to talk to her and them come to some sort of an agreement.Once I know the agreement I will put it on the table for my husband.I try to keep him out of all the confusion as much as possible.I don't want to put him through any more than I have to. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Are you in education? Nope. Blue collar guy. Own a machine shop. I think, if the adults are mature about the process, marital and relationship endings can still be a positive continuation to the parenting children are provided. They get to see that life is not some nirvana perfect world, but that the people they love, trust and look to for support are dealing with it in a mature manner. It's a great way to further the role modeling for the child. I would hope a parent weighs all the options before considering such a process, but, regardless, they can use their life experience to benefit their child. This is my wish for the OP. What's done is done. Today is a new day Link to post Share on other sites
Author iutlh99 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 Does he understand the need for open communication with all parties involved? I mean, he may want you to stop talking to her for purely selfish reasons (ie, it makes it easier for him at home). Ultimately, though, this isn't about what he wants, or what you want - it is really about what is best for the kids involved. They come first. I completely agree..although I dont want things to be worse for him at home.He also has small children with her and they don't deserve to be put into all of this.I honestly feel she doesn't want open communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I have to disagree. What if he decides he doesn't want to be in your son's life today, then 3 or 4 years from now he has a change of heart. Or the reverse. If you want him to make a timely decision, you need to tell him so. You owe your H, your son and yourself that much so that you can try to get your life back to some semblance of normal. And whatever your exH decides to do, you need to have it signed off legally to protect all parties. This is what I'm worried about. I did tell MM that it's either he is in their life or not--don't be in it then leave or decide you don't want to be in it then in five years from now change your mind--that ain't gonna go over well with Big MoMa (me ). I also told him that if he does decide he cannot be a part of these babies' lives, then he needs to give up his rights. I suggest you decide how you will work this all out with your ex-H, because coming in and out of the child's life will be harder than not being in the child's life--for the child that is. Forget how the dad feels--that's his problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I have made it very clear to him that he needs to make a decision.I am waiting to give him a chance to talk to her and them come to some sort of an agreement.Once I know the agreement I will put it on the table for my husband.I try to keep him out of all the confusion as much as possible.I don't want to put him through any more than I have to. Kudos to you for that. Good luck with whatever you decide... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Isn't this just about as bad as it gets? Both the OP's current husband, and her EX husbands wife are getting just about the worst deal possible. Both are being put in nearly impossible situations. One is raising (and supporting) a child he didn't father, born during his marriage. The "support" the state ordered isn't helping either as the cheating wife is "saving" that for the boys college education! He must look at this child each day and remember that his wife cheated on him. I couldn't do it. The Ex's "new wife" is in a similar situation. She must remember every day that her now husband cheated and fathered a child with his ex.. and has no regrets. How can either marriage survive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author iutlh99 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 Isn't this just about as bad as it gets? Both the OP's current husband, and her EX husbands wife are getting just about the worst deal possible. Both are being put in nearly impossible situations. One is raising (and supporting) a child he didn't father, born during his marriage. The "support" the state ordered isn't helping either as the cheating wife is "saving" that for the boys college education! He must look at this child each day and remember that his wife cheated on him. I couldn't do it. The Ex's "new wife" is in a similar situation. She must remember every day that her now husband cheated and fathered a child with his ex.. and has no regrets. How can either marriage survive? My husband said to put the money in a savings account.He said he doesn't want a penny from him.As far as his wife goes I guess she shouldn't have gotten pregnant by my ex while he was married to me.My husband understands that this very well could have been him considering he had an affair Also....2 of them to be exact. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 .As far as his wife goes I guess she shouldn't have gotten pregnant by my ex while he was married to me.My husband understands that this very well could have been him considering he had an affair Also....2 of them to be exact. When does all this stop?? Are you going to break the cycle?? This, unfortunately sounds like a soap opera... and everyone loses.. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 My husband said to put the money in a savings account.He said he doesn't want a penny from him.As far as his wife goes I guess she shouldn't have gotten pregnant by my ex while he was married to me.My husband understands that this very well could have been him considering he had an affair Also....2 of them to be exact. Everyone should just move together and save on mortgage! ( jk) If your H is willing to be so supportive then what's the beef? If the biological father is willing to be a part of this kids life, then be mature about it, if he chooses otherswise... seems like your lil one already has a "Daddy" to care for him. You have a humble H. Adore him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author iutlh99 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 Everyone should just move together and save on mortgage! ( jk) If your H is willing to be so supportive then what's the beef? If the biological father is willing to be a part of this kids life, then be mature about it, if he chooses otherswise... seems like your lil one already has a "Daddy" to care for him. You have a humble H. Adore him! Yes I agree the ex just makes it all hard and complicated.Pretty sure I am just going to tell him if we can't come to some sort of understanding then he can just take me to court and let them set everything straight as far as visitation and so on.He is very difficult to deal with.....Thank You Link to post Share on other sites
Author iutlh99 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 When does all this stop?? Are you going to break the cycle?? This, unfortunately sounds like a soap opera... and everyone loses.. Pretty much....I wish it could just go off the air!We are pretty much going to end up going to court and having everything set up on paper. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Everyone should just move together and save on mortgage! ( jk) If your H is willing to be so supportive then what's the beef? If the biological father is willing to be a part of this kids life, then be mature about it, if he chooses otherswise... seems like your lil one already has a "Daddy" to care for him. You have a humble H. Adore him! I think you have a point! Why doesn't iutlh99's current husband get together with Ex-hubby's current wife, have mad sex, get her preggers so they don't feel all left out(:rolleyes:like that would be allowed to happen:rolleyes:) and you all live under one roof?! Waiit for it! Ok, just kidding!:lmao: But seriously, there's no way in this world that either one of these marriages are going to survive! All contact must be broken with the affair partners, Forever! Otherwise, forget it! Let your current hubby go without the obligation to provide for the child! Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 When does all this stop?? Are you going to break the cycle?? This, unfortunately sounds like a soap opera... and everyone loses.. Unfortunately some of us live these Soap Opera-ish lives. Fortunately, there are those who live the perfect lives and don't have to worry about being cheated on, or ending up pregnant by someone else's husband, etc. I think that's a good plan to save the money in a savings account for your son's future--even college. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Gwen, that was kind of disrespectful to some of us. We don't live perfect lives, we are after all human. We can't control if a spouse chooses to cheat, that is a decision that is made by the cheater. And I will say with confidence that I don't worry about getting pregnant by a MM because that is something that just isn't in my core, it isn't in my makeup. There are other things that I might do, you would find appaling and unthinkable, for me it is having an affair. So with God's guidance, I don't see myself in that position. And on the a lighter note, I have no uterus so there is no danger of getting pregnant by anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Gwen, that was kind of disrespectful to some of us. We don't live perfect lives, we are after all human. We can't control if a spouse chooses to cheat, that is a decision that is made by the cheater. And I will say with confidence that I don't worry about getting pregnant by a MM because that is something that just isn't in my core, it isn't in my makeup. There are other things that I might do, you would find appaling and unthinkable, for me it is having an affair. So with God's guidance, I don't see myself in that position. And on the a lighter note, I have no uterus so there is no danger of getting pregnant by anyone. Take it how you want, but I wasn't being disrespectuful, but more sarcastic. Sorry if that offended you. But after the abuse I have endured around here in the past week, I don't think I owe anyone an apology for using "perfect" in terms of a life. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Take it how you want, but I wasn't being disrespectuful, but more sarcastic. Sorry if that offended you. But after the abuse I have endured around here in the past week, I don't think I owe anyone an apology for using "perfect" in terms of a life. Gwen, have I abused you, or gave you advice to not come on here so much and take care of you and your babies. You lumped us all together. Isn't that what the ow keep telling bs, don't put all of us in the same catagory? Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Gwen, have I abused you, or gave you advice to not come on here so much and take care of you and your babies. You lumped us all together. Isn't that what the ow keep telling bs, don't put all of us in the same catagory? No, you have not abused me in any way, BNB. You have been very helpful and I have thanked you and told you it's appreciated. How did I lump us all together? Link to post Share on other sites
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