Here we go again..any adivce is welcome.

[whichwayisup]

You have no real reason to stay with this guy, he's married and you're not obligated to 'work things out' with him. He's scum! You don't need this crap in your life!

[aisuangel]

BTW, I hadn't seen her in 14 years (until last year) and we picked our friendship up right where it had left off, as I had gone what is known here as NC back then so she could figure out her marriage. Technically, as a single guy, I was her EA back then, even though I was still a virgin at that time (the whole waiting for marriage thing...I know, don't laugh )

 

The moral is take care of yourself and don't let anyone else (including society) define who you are.

 

 

That's good that you picked up your friendship again ^.^

 

I guess maybe that's what I was at one point to him was an EA?

 

When we got back together a second time he was married at the time, but "separated". I never flew down to see him again that time (LDR), it was just over the phone, and chatting online. We didn't last that long, he saw my posts on here, got mad and left me. He said that his wife could easily find these and not give him a divorce (this was last year). He has yet to leave his wife, he's been saying that he was going to get this "divorce" for a long time now.

 

Forgot to add in..

 

Another reason why he hasn't got his divorce, was because he said he wanted to wait a year of being "separated". I don't know much about the laws down in Virginia, so *shrugs*. Something about it was going to be "uncontested". He said that he had to wait a year for the whole separation thing, to get the divorce *shrugs again*.

 

 

Thanks again Carhill ^.^

[aisuangel]

You have no real reason to stay with this guy, he's married and you're not obligated to 'work things out' with him. He's scum! You don't need this crap in your life!

 

I agree with the whole him being "scum"...Thank you whichwayisup

[carhill]

Another reason why he hasn't got his divorce, was because he said he wanted to wait a year of being "separated". I don't know much about the laws down in Virginia, so *shrugs*. Something about it was going to be "uncontested". He said that he had to wait a year for the whole separation thing, to get the divorce *shrugs again*.

 

"Virginia Grounds for Divorce

The Complaint for Divorce is the initial document filed with the Virginia court. It is in this document that the filing spouse will request the court to terminate the marriage under certain specified grounds.

The court may grant a divorce from the bond of matrimony for one of the following grounds:

No Fault Based Grounds: (1) Living separate and apart for a period of at least 1 year. If the parties have entered into a separation agreement regarding the property and issues regarding any children, this period of time is reduced to 6 months.

Fault Based Grounds: (1) For adultery; sodomy or buggery; (2) Conviction of a felony or incarceration for at least 1 year; (3) Where either party has been guilty of cruelty, caused reasonable apprehension of bodily hurt, or willfully deserted or abandoned the other, such divorce may be decreed to the innocent party after a period of one year from the date of such act. (Virginia Code - Title 20 - Sections: 20-91)"

 

 

 

This has been going on a long time. You deserve better

[jmargel]

I was wondering how you were doing, angel.. I see that you are still under his 'grasp'. I really don't understand how many more years of your life do you have to waste on this guy? I remember the pictures you showed me of him, and honestly this guy looks like the bottom of the barrel. I don't know what you are seeking in this guy. He is totally messed up in the head and he has taken you down.

 

He is toxic and he is very warped. We all keep telling you to stay away from this man, and to move on with your life. Have you gone back to school? How's the work situation? You are obessed/fixated on this man and it has literally put your life on hold for this guy who will never be with you. If he wanted to be with you, he would have by now. You would be living with him, and moving on with life with him. However, your not. He has used you as a power-trip, as an ego-booster. You are wasting your life away on some guy on the net.

 

I know you are very beautiful, smart and have so much to offer this world. Please, remove this guy from your life completely. Please seek counseling to allow yourself the opportunity to live a happy life.

[aisuangel]

jmargel,

 

To be honest, in the beginning I didn't trust him for ****. I figured every word that came out of his mouth total ****. I let him know that I didn't trust him, for all the **** he put me through. His reaction was 'It's ok', and that he 'Didn't blame me'. Of course, over time he managed to get through my wall I had up. It was the same **** all over again, just not as bad as it was back then.

 

I don't understand why he is such an angry, hateful individual. The sad part is, that I don't stick up for myself, I want to, but I don't. I have so many hateful/angry things that I want to say to him, but when it comes down to it I can't do it. I guess because, I don't want to lose the friendship? Or, maybe it's a lack of confidence? I don't know *shrugs*.

 

He still 'claims' that he is going to get that divorce lol

 

He's been saying this for well over a year. He claims I put a 'damper in his plan' when his wife saw that email. He said that he had to 'protect his assets'. He's doing a total 360 on me.. 'Why do you care about the divorce? We're just friends, it's really none of you're business'.

 

Honestly, it kind of is...he dragged me in the middle. He would tell me that when he gets the divorce that we would get back together at some point, and that he would fly me down for a month.

 

Like I said he's doing a total 360 on me saying 'Your clinginess is pushing me away/pissing me off, so even if I did get the divorce right now, or tomorrow I wouldn't want to be with you right away, not for a long long time'.

 

Last night, he hung up on me because I cut him off/interrupted him on the phone (not on accident). He was like 'You interrupted me!, an accident is ok, on purpose isn't I'm hanging up!". So, I called him back he was like 'Don't interrupt me again! That shows a lack of respect'. I so badly wanted to tell him to **** off at that point, I don't appreciate being talked down to, but I didn't want to deal with what he would of said back, so I didn't...

 

I never thought that I was 'obsessed/fixated'...I just thought that I had feelings for him..*shrugs* I mean I've known him for 5 years. I've been with him off and on, even while he was married. So, there are feelings there, I didn't think it was that you thought .

 

Oh, to update you on something JM. I was reassessed last year I don't have bi-polar (they were wrong), I have Borderline Personality Disorder :|.

 

I tried going back to school at one point, but dropped out..I'm going to go back again here so that I can finish it up (hopefully). As for a job, I'm unemployed :|

 

As for the counseling, I need to look into it..I don't have insurance at the moment, so I need to find an affordable counselor.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words Jm

I look forward to hearing back from you.

I want you to know that I agree with you that he is toxic, it's just hard for me to end things. It's not because I like whats going on, it's just hard to do, and hard to explain I hope you understand what I'm saying.

[aisuangel]

"Virginia Grounds for Divorce

The Complaint for Divorce is the initial document filed with the Virginia court. It is in this document that the filing spouse will request the court to terminate the marriage under certain specified grounds.

The court may grant a divorce from the bond of matrimony for one of the following grounds:

No Fault Based Grounds: (1) Living separate and apart for a period of at least 1 year. If the parties have entered into a separation agreement regarding the property and issues regarding any children, this period of time is reduced to 6 months.

Fault Based Grounds: (1) For adultery; sodomy or buggery; (2) Conviction of a felony or incarceration for at least 1 year; (3) Where either party has been guilty of cruelty, caused reasonable apprehension of bodily hurt, or willfully deserted or abandoned the other, such divorce may be decreed to the innocent party after a period of one year from the date of such act. (Virginia Code - Title 20 - Sections: 20-91)"

 

 

 

This has been going on a long time. You deserve better

 

Yea, I think that he is going to stay with her too, and not leave. He tells me how he 'uses her for this and that'. I feel bad for her in a way, but then again I think to myself 'why does she even bother to stay?' I'm sure he treats her just like he treats me. I know I'm one to talk when I say that, but I'm not married to him, and I'm glad I'm not. I'm sure though he does a lot more sucking up to her though *sigh* People like him make me sick. I guess in the end karma will get him.

[jmargel]

jmargel,

 

To be honest, in the beginning I didn't trust him for ****. I figured every word that came out of his mouth total ****. I let him know that I didn't trust him, for all the **** he put me through. His reaction was 'It's ok', and that he 'Didn't blame me'. Of course, over time he managed to get through my wall I had up. It was the same **** all over again, just not as bad as it was back then.

 

I don't understand why he is such an angry, hateful individual. The sad part is, that I don't stick up for myself, I want to, but I don't. I have so many hateful/angry things that I want to say to him, but when it comes down to it I can't do it. I guess because, I don't want to lose the friendship? Or, maybe it's a lack of confidence? I don't know *shrugs*.

 

He still 'claims' that he is going to get that divorce lol

 

He's been saying this for well over a year. He claims I put a 'damper in his plan' when his wife saw that email. He said that he had to 'protect his assets'. He's doing a total 360 on me.. 'Why do you care about the divorce? We're just friends, it's really none of you're business'.

 

Honestly, it kind of is...he dragged me in the middle. He would tell me that when he gets the divorce that we would get back together at some point, and that he would fly me down for a month.

 

Like I said he's doing a total 360 on me saying 'Your clinginess is pushing me away/pissing me off, so even if I did get the divorce right now, or tomorrow I wouldn't want to be with you right away, not for a long long time'.

 

Last night, he hung up on me because I cut him off/interrupted him on the phone (not on accident). He was like 'You interrupted me!, an accident is ok, on purpose isn't I'm hanging up!". So, I called him back he was like 'Don't interrupt me again! That shows a lack of respect'. I so badly wanted to tell him to **** off at that point, I don't appreciate being talked down to, but I didn't want to deal with what he would of said back, so I didn't...

 

I never thought that I was 'obsessed/fixated'...I just thought that I had feelings for him..*shrugs* I mean I've known him for 5 years. I've been with him off and on, even while he was married. So, there are feelings there, I didn't think it was that you thought .

 

Oh, to update you on something JM. I was reassessed last year I don't have bi-polar (they were wrong), I have Borderline Personality Disorder :|.

 

I tried going back to school at one point, but dropped out..I'm going to go back again here so that I can finish it up (hopefully). As for a job, I'm unemployed :|

 

As for the counseling, I need to look into it..I don't have insurance at the moment, so I need to find an affordable counselor.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words Jm

I look forward to hearing back from you.

I want you to know that I agree with you that he is toxic, it's just hard for me to end things. It's not because I like whats going on, it's just hard to do, and hard to explain I hope you understand what I'm saying.

 

I can understand what you are saying, but I think alot of what is going on in your life (dropping out of school, not working, and contributing to your BPD) is because of him.

 

You have not been in a relationship with him these past 5 years, a relationship is when you are *with* this person, emotionally and physically. What he has been doing the past 5 years is using you. He has you under his control, just re-read what you wrote to me. He knows your weaknesses and preys on them. He is taking advantage of you and you really need to keep him out of your life.

 

He is not going to divorce his wife, he is keeping secrets from you. And honestly it's not worth your time to pursue this any further. This is not a normal interaction with someone. Actually this is pretty scary on what he's done to you. Before you met him, what was your life like?

 

I can see so much potential in you, it's you that needs to find this within' yourself and he is stopping you from achieving this. At some point in time you need to make the decision that enough is enough and that you are moving on with your life and he will no longer be any part of it. That means NC for good.

 

I can encourage you to make these steps in getting your life together, but it's you that must put it into action. The first step is always the hardest but it does get easier. Though you must start to commit yourself to setting goals for yourself and accomplishing them.

 

If you don't mind, can you tell me some about your past? Not just with him, but overall.

[aisuangel]

You have not been in a relationship with him these past 5 years, a relationship is when you are *with* this person, emotionally and physically. What he has been doing the past 5 years is using you.

Unfortuantly, I totally agree with you :|

 

 

He is not going to divorce his wife, he is keeping secrets from you. And honestly it's not worth your time to pursue this any further. This is not a normal interaction with someone. Actually this is pretty scary on what he's done to you. Before you met him, what was your life like?.

I agree here also. I don't think he's going to leave her either. I think he's left her "emotionally" if that makes sense, but I don't think he'll ever sever the rest with her, he's too busy using her for this, or that.

 

 

My life before him? Wasn't too much different..I just never had to walk on egg shells when it came to a guy, or have to worry about being yelled at if I upset them. I was never put down, insulted, or cussed out...

 

 

I can see so much potential in you, it's you that needs to find this within' yourself and he is stopping you from achieving this. At some point in time you need to make the decision that enough is enough and that you are moving on with your life and he will no longer be any part of it. That means NC for good.

I've been told that before, about needing to find it "within". I've stopped talking to him completely without letting him know. It's been a little over a week now, just been doing other things to keep myself from contacting him He hasn't made any attempts to contact me, which is surprising (I guess he really didn't care, oh well).

[carhill]

Thanks for updating us. There may come a time when he'll attempt to contact you. This is a test. You'll do fine. Keep up the good work and stay healthy!

[aisuangel]

Thanks for updating us. There may come a time when he'll attempt to contact you. This is a test. You'll do fine. Keep up the good work and stay healthy!

 

You're welcome ^.^, and thank you

[aisuangel]

This NC has to go on for the rest of your life. Not just weeks, months or years. You have to remove him completely.

 

What are your goals for the next year or so? You need to start thinking about yourself and what you want from your life and how to go about getting it.

 

I know, I'm going to try to make it NC, hopefully for the rest of my life the best that I can. Thank you again for your help

 

I'm not too sure on my goals yet.