15 year old's bad attitude/behaviour

[daisywindmill]

I have two smashing boys, one of 17 and the other 15.

 

Unfortunately, over the past year or so my youngest has developed a bad attitude to homelife, showing no respect for me or his brother. He uses the house like an hotel, never helps with chores etc. I expect this is common for a teenager but to me it is unacceptable. I have raised both boys to have good manners, help out etc, but with my youngest it proves to be an ongoing battle as all he thinks about is himself.

 

To make matters even worse, he began stealing from me some months ago. I smoke and buy my cigarettes from abroad. He helped himself to a rather large amount of them about three months ago, but I refused to believe, at that time, that he was responsible.

 

Sadly, he did the same thing again this weekend and I found the proof of it. He does not smoke himself but has been selling them to his friends.

 

I do give him a monthly allowance and have always tried to teach them the value of money but he has turned into a very greedy young man.

 

I am distraught and terribly sad that he could steal from his mother. I feel incredibly let down.

 

I am sure that deep down there is a good and decent kid in there.

 

Any advice on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

Thanks all .... Maria x

[moimeme]

Adolescence is the time when people 'differentiate' from their parents. They need to test boundaries and learn how to be independent. They also need strong consequences when they cross the line. With respect to the room and chores, the common advice is to try to negotiate with him as an adult instead of ordering him. Ask him for his cooperation and try to work out a schedule together. He's becoming a man and needs to learn to deal with other adults as an adult; negotiation is a critical life skill and it's time for him to learn it.

 

When it comes to stealing, that is more serious. He needs a serious consequence and you need to deal with it face on. Again, it is time to try to speak to him as an adult. Studies apparently have shown that teenage brains are in flux and that teenagers are real bad at understanding consequences and planning appropriate actions so you'll need to remember it as you discuss with him. You'll have to talk about trust and honesty and be prepared to let him speak his mind. If you jump all over him when he says what he thinks, you'll close the door.

 

He's still your baby but he's almost old enough to have a job and manage a vehicle so you have to approach him in adult terms while still maintaining a parental role.

[longlegzs80]

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself as a parent. Parents have it hard. But, if I were you, I would not give him allowance because he is expecting it and he does nothing for you to even give him an allowance. Your best bet is to stop with the money situation, until he does the chores or whatever that you want him to do.

 

REally put your foot down and let him know that he will not be getting allowance until he changes his attitude. If that does not work, then you have to take away some of his privaleges. This could be from going over to a friends house, whatever. If he does what he does, and expects everythign is going to be given to him, it is wrong, but you have to do something about that.

 

AS far as the stealing problem, tell him that you are taking the money out of his allowance to pay for the extra cigarettes that have been missing. Or just confront him.

 

The stealing problem is only going to get worse if you don't talk to him about it or as I said before, take away some of his privaleges etc. Maybe you should have your son get a job, so he can learn responsiblity and pay you back with the cigarettes.

 

I am just making an assumption, but you seem like the kind of parent who is too nice, and you give your children everything. Which caring parents do that, and want the best for their kids, but since he is acting the way he has been then you need to talk to him with what happened.

 

Confront him, and tell him that you are here if he has anything he needs to talk to you about, or maybe he can talk to his brother more then he can you. Something has to be done. Starting with talking to him, and asking him why he has been acting the way he has. The second is I would stop with the allowances, not only with the young son but the oldest one two. If they want money they should work. And the helping around the house is something that they should just do to help you out. Make sure you talk to him about this important matter. It is very important to see what has gone wrong. But if I were you, I would not blame yourself with any of this. This is a phase that many kids go through. Take care and good luck.

[daisywindmill]

Longlegz ..... many many thanks for taking the time to reply to my original message.

 

Can I say that all you said was correct and I carried out your suggestions not long after the event of the stealing.

 

It's hard to deprive your children, especially when they have a father that does not careless, but I am sticking to it as he has to learn. And so far his attitude has changed a lot.

 

We have a long way to go but I know somewhere in there is a decent lad.

 

Again, thank you.

[daisywindmill]

I typed "careless" when I should have typed "care less" .... just thought I'd get that in before someone jumped on it and slapped my wrists he he he he

[Ryan]

While you're at it...stop smoking. The son can't steal what's not there.

[daisywindmill]

That's great advice Ryan. Thanks!

[km82794]

Dear Daisy,

 

Being I am going through the same thing at home with three step children, ages 14, 15 and 16, I can surely sympathize with you.

 

The boys have stolen my cigarettes and underwear, my step daughter has stolen hundreds of dollars of my clothes and underwear, all of them have stolen money from my purse.

 

I could no longer even put my dirty clothes in the basement to be washed, because they would take them, even dirty. I couldn't even trust them in my car because the change I keep in my ashtray always came up missing, it seems the ghost in our house took it, lol.

 

Things were so bad, their father and I had to put a padlock on our bedroom door. The kids were so desperate to get upstairs one day, that they actually took the door off the hinges. They were busted when the rust from the pins they dropped, left a dirty rust spot on the white carpet.

 

This is how I was told to handle it.

 

Since one will only learn from experience, I was told to take some of their personal belongings that are important to them, showing them just how it feels to have something stolen.

 

I didn't agree at first with this logic, since I was doing the very thing that I was angry with them about, but, since I was getting nowhere with talk, I tried it as a last resort.

 

I warned them first of what would happen if the stealing continued, and of course it did. So I've started taking little things from them, their boom boxes, hair spray, favorite cd's, cologne, favorite pen, etc., and so far they are so miserable without their things, it's working.

 

I will give their things back to them it time, but on my terms, or when I feel the lesson has been learned.

 

Now, as far as the chores around the house went, we always got the excuse of "Oh, I forgot", or "you didn't tell me to do that" and we were fed up.

 

Each kid had a daily chore, either sweeping, laundry or dishes.

and they switched weeks so they never had the same chore each week. I posted a calender on the refrigerator as to what they were to do so there was no confusion and no excuses.

 

They were given an allowance each Friday of $10.00. Now if I came home on let's say, Wednesday and it was Michael's job to sweep and it wasn't done, on Wednesday I would put a big, red,

(-$1) in that days particular box, next to his name. Therefore on Friday, Michael only got $9, instead of $10.

 

It worked wonders. If one kid only got $8 on Friday, they were so jealous that their brother and sister got $10, they never failed to do a chore again.

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but so far it's working. Good luck dear, I feel for you!