I left her last night.

[uptownb0y]

I posted a thread a little earlier about my marital issues. ("Advice needed... Unhappy, considering divorce")

 

Last night, after thinking about this for many months, I felt it was time to end the marriage. I sat very still and and just quietly thought about what I was about to do, for over an hour.

 

Then I walked into the bedroom, sat on the bed, and started by saying, "I just don't think this is working out." Many tears and a long conversation followed. The end result was that I left last night and got a hotel room.

 

She wanted me to stay for "one more night", but I did not want to prolong it. I felt that the longer I stayed, the more likely it was to turn ugly (major screaming and crying) or we would just repeat the same conversation over and over, with her begging me to stay. (Which she did.)

 

I told her all of my reasons for leaving. She was incredibly sweet about it; she was only cold once or twice in the conversation, but otherwise she was just hurt and brokenhearted.

 

I feel like an ass. And I probably am. She is truly a wonderful person, but I just felt too smothered and I don't think she can stop being so clingy. I was not happy in our relationship, though she was.

 

We discussed whether it was a divorce or a separation. I told her that I don't think we're going to work things out and get back together. I told her I don't want to give her false hope. Then I walked out.

 

I still have feelings for her. Very much so. But I really feel that I'm doing the right thing. Just the sense of freedom and lightness that I had last night after leaving the house, shows me that I'm going to be fine. I will handle this much easier than her. And I worry about her, because she did discuss suicide a couple of months ago. Even without that, I worry about her having a mental breakdown or something. I will be worrying about her for quite some time, I'm sure.

 

So I got into the office this morning, checked my messages. She had called my Mom & Dad, my sister, my uncle, and told them I'd left. My sister & uncle left messages on my voicemail. I'd rather not call them back because it seems like it's not time to drag every family member into this. I can discuss it with them when it's over, not now. Their purpose in calling might be to dissuade me, and that won't happen so it's pointless.

 

Now I have to figure out how we proceed. Last night, we basically agreed to take a few days and think about this. However, I said that I don't feel we can work things out, so to me this is just a delay before the real proceedings begin.

 

I have to put the house up for sale and get a lawyer (maybe find one of those cheap "$99 Divorce" ads). Most importantly, I have to figure out how to get back over there, and divide up our stuff without prolonging the agony of being around her as she begs me to stay.

 

I guess I need advice on how to handle this situation. She knows that it's most likely permanent, but she is clinging to some shred of hope -- not one I gave her, mind you -- that this could be fixed. What I'm sorta expecting will happen is this:

 

No contact with her today.

 

Tonight: Long phone call. This is obligatory I think. We will cover the same ground many times over, with me explaining and re-explaining the reasons I left. This call will last well into the night, with me finally refusing to answer the phone.

 

Tomorrow: Same as today, same long call at night.

 

Day after tomorrow: Mail divorce papers to her (I think). I don't know how all that stuff works.

 

Following days: She gets a ticket back to Ohio (where her family and friends are), and I go over there to divide up our stuff. Put the furniture up for sale. Long sessions of dividing up stuff while she begs me to stay.

 

I hate the pain I've caused her. I hate the fact that I'm being such a jerk and I have to continue being one in order to end this.

 

Any advice is appreciated. I'm in shell-shock right now.

 

--jordan

[NEONINK]

Well, only a Texan will know texas divorce legal proceedings... Can't help you there.

 

But I read your original posts, and I guess you do feel freer, certainly less caged. I guess there's no advice to give you other than, best wishes.

 

You made a hard choice, but what's done is done. She'll be ok. She'll have to figure out her part in this one day, and come to terms with the fact that partners are partners, not pets or children. They deserve the equal respect and continued independence. This has been a hard lesson for me as well. But, you cannot take away someone's liberty just because you marry them. They must remain free, in order to stay committed.

 

The thing she feared most and kept you chained for, has happened, but the chains actually caused the breakout. Ironic, isn't it?

[clia]

maybe find one of those cheap "$99 Divorce" ads

 

Don't do this. Pay the money for a good divorce attorney. Although your wife may be hurting now, she may eventually feel very angry, and what better way to get back at you than to get everything she can out of the marriage? I guarantee she will find herself a good lawyer--please do the same. I know too many guys who got cheap lawyers because they "thought" the divorce would be easy, because they felt guilty or sad about leaving, etc....and every single one of them got totally screwed in the divorce settlement.

[serena]

Hello,

just wanted to say that I know that was the hardest thing you did, but you made it through. I know you said that you feel bad, but what would have been worse was if you stayed and lived what you may have felt was a lie. As for your wife, I know you feel you have a lot of roadblocks ahead w/your divorce, etc. I also can only imagine the level of discomfort that may happen w/your family, her family, etc. Just remember that this was a personal, private decision that should only be discussed between you and your wife. It really is no one else's business, though I am sure you will hear opinions. It sounds like you thought things out a lot. I wish I could say the same for me. My husband and I have separated (somewhat) twice last year-though no one really knew it, and now we are in a real state of indecision-we both want out but I guess it is SO scary to make the final move. Good luck in your future, and know that you are not alone

[Kay]

I'm also sorry to hear what you are going through. Perhaps I could share a little insight as to what your wife might be experiencing. In many ways, I used to resort to the same behaviour she does but am learning how to cope better under similar circumstances.

 

I give you a great deal of credi for trying couples counseling. That is always worth it, particularly if you learned something about yourself, even if nothing really changed between you and your spouse.

 

Has your wife ever been in individual therapy? You sound like you do care about her, but probably realize that you can't MAKE her happy. She might not have realized this. Even though you say that you have not given her "false hope," you might be suprised how people interpret things when they are facing such an overwhelming situation.

 

My husband (of 20 years, 2 kids) came to the conclusion two years ago hat he no longer loved me and we have spent the past two years separated emotionally and physically. (see my post entitled "An Emotional Affair")

 

At first, I cried, pleaded, threatened and cried some more. I became clinically depressed and just before I hit bottom, I decided I needed serious help. I started taking antidepressants and individual therapy with a wonderful, empathetic psychologist. This very literally saved my life, my sanity and helped me grow as a person independent of my husband. It taught me to concentrate on myself as an individual and forced me to face the very real possibility of living without him. Don't get me wrong - I am still very sad that my husband is not willing to get any therapy, either individual or couples counseling, but that is his choice. We stand to lose a great deal and the damage it is doing to my children (16, 13) is unbearable at times. But, I am moving on by getting help for myself. I sincerely believe that your wife would benefit tremendously by being in treatment.

 

Maybe you could continue to live apart and encourage her to get into therapy? Give yourself time to live on your own (the time frame can only be up to you, not her) and for her to get a bit stronger before you file for divorce? Believe me, I know that might sound like sheer agony only to postpone what you believe is inevitable. It might just make both of you better for it.

 

One question - I can't help but ask, given my own situation (again, read my post. I'm also "Is there a future for us?") ...

 

Is there another woman in your life? If so, then the problem is more complex and maybe my advice to you would be a bit different. You have your young age and lack of children to your advantage, too.

 

Keep in touch and know that many people have been in "your shoes," and that others (like me) have been in "shoes" very much like your wife's.

 

Kay

[uptownb0y]

No, there's not another woman.

 

I'm staying at my brother's place now, with him and his wife. I haven't even talked to her on the phone yet, that will happen tonight.

 

It's going to be hard to finally call her. She will be demanding an explanation of everything, and trying very hard to convince me that I've made the wrong decision and should come back to her.

 

It took some courage to leave, now it will take courage to talk to her and be firm. Not that I'm afraid I'll come back... it's just that she will want me to do things... like spend some time with her...

 

and by being "firm" I have to come across as an a-hole. Not the way I like to be.

 

:-[

[NEONINK]

You might want a lawyer.

 

Encourage her to get therapy and help for herself. Approach conversations with her about her own future and how much she can learn from this experience and take into her next relationship. That way it takes some focus off of you, and places it in her future.

 

Be glad you don't have children involved.

 

Then focus on what you need to do and enjoy your life.

[uptownb0y]

Things are moving so fast now. I finally talked to her, on the phone, Saturday. She was very sweet and reasonable -- we were able to discuss the division of property, sale of our home, and such without her breaking down.

 

She said that she wanted us to live separately for a while, and "date" as she put it. I told her that I don't want to string her along, and that if we did that, it would be with the understanding that there were no guarantees of getting back together.

 

She said it was like "a dagger in the heart" that I refused the dating arrangement. I told her that I didn't refuse it, but I just wanted to qualify it. But she said that, if there's no chance of it working out, we might as well file for divorce on Monday.

 

She also wants us to put the house up for sale Monday. I feel that things are moving awfully fast, but on the other hand, I don't really think we are going to just patch things up. So there's no reason for me to put on the brakes at this point. And besides, while she's being agreeable about this, we might as well get things settled. Over time, she may become more and more bitter, and might decide to use the legal system to get revenge... I've heard of this.

 

Meanwhile, I'm going to get an apartment and just do my thing. I miss her, I care about her, and I still have feelings for her. But I know that it's not going to work out ultimately, so it seems like it would be unfair to prolong this.

 

It's a fast-moving train though. I left last Monday, it's been less than a week.

 

I foresee a lot of celibacy in the near future. :-(

[uptownb0y]

This morning I went to my therapist. She said that I shouldn't file for divorce yet, because (in so many words) I need to let my wife down easy. It's been a shock to my wife having this separation, and filing for divorce right away would be a further trauma and very difficult for her to handle.

 

I tend to agree, but by not filing for divorce, she may think that I want us to get back together. Or that I'm having second thoughts and that's why I want to wait, to think about it.

 

I'm not sure what to do. But I'm going to go ahead and get an apartment -- even if that means signing a 1-year lease -- because I have to get on with my life.

 

She's been on the phone every day with my brother, asking where I went that day, how late I got in, whether I'd been drinking, etc. Yesterday she called and was talking suicide again with him. She tries calling my office, but I watch the caller ID and don't pick up when it's her. Call that wimping out, but she needs to deal with this on her own, I can't have her using the suicide card to call and jerk my chain.

 

This has been much easier for me than for her, but I am depressed and unsure how to proceed. I know that I don't want to go back to her. But life in flux is not easy... I'd almost rather have it all overwith and behind us both.

 

--jordan

[Kay]

Is your wife in therapy for herself? She needs to talk with someone who can help her re-discover herself and her self worth, which is very important for someone who"plays the suicide card."

 

My husband is feeling much the same as you. As his wife of 20 years, I have done everything I thought possible to make him love me again. I've been extraordinarily supportive, kind, understanding and non threatening as I possibly can be. It has been in therapy that I have come to accept that loving someone (or not loving them) is a choice that a person makes. That love comes and goes in a marriage, but it takes a mutual desire to re-commit. I also know that no matter what my husband decides to do, I will be okay. Again, I'm not sure if I would have been able to get to this acceptance without the help of a wonderful therapist. I can't help but feel that your wife would benefit as I have.

 

Keep in touch. Kay

[uptownb0y]

She is seeing the therapist still, as am I.

 

So far, I've been gone for three weeks, and we've talked on the phone like 4 times. Never met up in person.

 

She really wants to meet up, to divide up some of our stuff, or (I think) to reminisce about our relationship. She said that it would give her closure if we got together, and if she could sense from my body language (in person) that it was truly over.

 

I've been avoiding her phone calls and requests to meet. The reason for this is because I hate the pain I've caused, and it would be so hard to see her ... experiencing that pain ... right in front of me... and then when I left, it would be like another rejection, all over again.

 

So I kind of feel as though it's easier if we have a "clean break" and don't see each other in person for a little while longer. Just to get some distance. This is wimpy of me, I know.

 

Anyway, I'm going on with my life, and just letting the situation ride. However, I know that eventually it will be time to file for divorce. The therapist said that I should wait before filing, for my wife's sake, because she's so emotionally unstable and that could possibly drive her to suicide or something.

 

So I wait. And sometimes I don't pick up the phone when she calls. (Sometimes I do too.)

 

--jordan

[uptownb0y]

Just a quick update:

 

I've signed a year's lease at an apartment and am now living alone. I still haven't seen her since I left. She calls every few days and we talk some... the conversations are somewhat painful for us both... but in a way it also helps.

 

We were so close. You can't just erase that, act like it never happened. So when we talk, we both cry a bit.

 

I still haven't filed for divorce... after my second visit to the therapist, she said that if I file, I may later want to change my mind and get back with her... and it would be too late. I don't think that I will change my mind. But I'm willing to give it some time to see if I do.

 

My wife wants me to come by the house, to pick up some things of mine that she has separated out. That would be the first time I will have seen her. Should I do it? I'm not afraid of her, but if I visit, it will be really difficult. I will be in a position where I have to reject her all over again. She will probably beg & plead, sob and wail... and try to change my mind in whatever way is possible.

 

I will have to reject those pleas, but still spend the time to sit there and talk with her. That will be the hardest of all, to act neutral and be firm, while still being there for her to sort of help her through it. It sounds like a major balancing act, that's why I haven't actually seen her since leaving.

 

Any suggestions ?

 

Thanks,

Jordan

[quankanne]

is there a friend who you can ask to go with you? When I had to get stuff back from the guy I thought was The One, I was pretty upset about seeing him again because I still wanted to be with him. But my best friend came along, and though he sat in the car while I went after my stuff, it was good knowing that he was in the car waiting for me. Yeah, I bawled my eyes out as we pulled away from the guy's house, but it was so good having my friend right there. That's my recommendation, to take someone with you who isn't going to ask a whole lot of questions but is willing to stand by you in your time of need.

 

or, someone else in another post had suggested sending someone after your stuff if you trust her to not hang on to anything.

[IRULE]

i would like to know how long you were married? and when you got married did you think that if it doesn't work we will just get a divorce? people with that mentality are to immature to be married why did you get married in the first place?

 

i would go to marriage counseling and not to one who tells me we just shouldn't be together, which is what she said and i never went back she should not be counseling. anyway I've been married for ever it seems and we have had our problems many, but i don't believe in divorce. people need to grow up and work it out its not easy but life is not easy to me you are taking the easy way out. so shes a little clingy and thats it I'm glad i didn't marry you. I'm not clingy but i have issues. well thats it had to put my 2 cents in.

[ml]

has it ever occurred to you that your wife won't "beg, cry or wail"

 

are you kidding yourself

 

yeah she's in shock- but pain heals

 

remember a woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

 

she'd going to pull the rug out from under YOU!!!

 

every dog has his day

[jaynieh]

Yep, I couldn't agree with you more. You certainly have been a jerk and an ass, as you say. I know because I am currently living with a husband going through the same mid-life crisis bull****.

 

Marriage is FOREVER. Not until you're just not happy anymore. You should never have married if you were so concerned about your own freedom and happiness. Who are you to cause such pain and heartache to another human being? Someone who trusts you with her entire life?

 

You are just being a clueless, immature male. Grow up and be a REAL MAN.

[zarathustra]

Marriage is FOREVER. Not until you're just not happy anymore. You should never have married if you were so concerned about your own freedom and happiness.

 

If that's true, small wonder so many have stopped marrying or re-marrying. Marriage as life imprisonment on Devil's Island.

[supermom]

I really felt like I needed to share my story in hopes of helping you with yours...

 

 

When I was 19 I married my 1st husband, and at 21 he decided he wasn't in love but loved me, because I was nagging and clingy at times, but mainly when I felt like he chose friends over me ( alot) I mean, we were both so young.

 

I cried, begged back, used the suicidal note, I can really relate to your wife.

 

Now, the happy part and weird thing is that we are now friends (we're 25 now) and we are both happily married to other people. We had no kids, but have them now with our current spouses and our kids play together! I am friends with his wife and he is friends w/ my husband and there is no weirdness.

 

We agreed that because we were close, but too young that it is okay to be friends.

 

My point is that life can change and you never know.....maybe when time heals things you can be friends with her. Even if she is hard to get along with now, so was I. I found someone and realized that although I really did love my first husband, I have a deeper, more adult love with my current husband, and of course, a family.

 

His wife and I go out together for a "moms night out" sometimes and we don't talk about the past, just the present and future, and of course jealousy was a big issue years ago, but we've been apart for 3 years now, seems so long ago....

 

Hang in there. If you do care for your wife, then maybe a friendship can develop later. I was so depressed I didn't really eat for a month, lost 50 pounds, and he was concerned, but I had to learn how to accept things and now things are a lot different.

 

Good luck, I feel for BOTH of you

[johan]

You may not have noticed, but the original poster hasn't responded to this thread since last August 4. That was the last time he posted anything at all.

[T0296]

How's it going? I've read your story and I think you're handling the situation

honestly and your wife should see that you are being up-front with her.

I wouldn't agree with the "dating" scenario either, cold turkey!

[magda]

Maybe they got back together. Maybe she killed him! Ooooh the suspense!

[hope&pray]

Isn't strange how these things just end and nobody knows.......???????