Should I give up hope?

[pr-girl]

Over a year ago, I met a man on an airplane. It was an instant attraction. I live in Las Vegas and he lives in LA. We stayed in touch through email, mainly. Several months ago, a friend and I decided to go to LA for a weekend, so I called him up and invited him to meet up with us. I always had a crush on him, but we really realized how much we liked each other that weekend.

 

We dated LD for about 3 months. In those 3 months, we saw each other about 4 times. Everything was amazing in the beginning, but our feelings got deeper and deeper for each other. Maybe because we were far apart, we didn't think it could happen, but we got very close, very quickly. We spoke every night for hours and texted/ emailed throughout the day.

 

A month ago today, he broke things off. He said the distance is too difficult for him. That he hurts when he hears my voice, when he thinks of me, when he wants me next to him and I'm not there, when he can't see me, can't smell me, etc. He says he could never open his heart fully to me while I'm so far away, that we don't have the time together we need in order to have a successful intimate relationship. He feels that when the option for me to visit is there, he can only anticipate the misery of when I leave him. We have opposite work schedules that make it hard to visit (among other responsibilities). It seems as though he can't see the light at the end of the tunnel - the future we may have one day together. All he concentrates on is how he feels NOW.

 

He says he trusts me and says he's opened up to me more than any woman he can ever remember. Also, he's 32 and I'm the 4th woman he's ever been intimate with. He's a very deep, emotional and sensitive person. He feels sex is meaningless without an emotional connection. Believe me when I say, this man has been completely honest with me - even when it hurts me.

 

I'm almost 32 years old. I'm a career-woman focused on success and happiness. Never married, no kids, have had long-term relationships. I wouldn't consider myself naive. I have been very selective in my choices regarding men and relationships and I pride myself on the quality I've chosen.

 

I'm having a VERY hard time letting him go. He said he wants to be friends, but he feels it's unfair to ask me for that since he's the one who put us in this position. We tried for a few weeks to be friends, but I was just left feeling empty and shallow. He said when we broke up, he thought he'd feel relieved from the pain, but he only feels worse now. Why won't he try being happy together then? His friend told him that he is " obviously happier being sad" since he's letting me go.

 

Friends have told me that they don't think it's over between us. He is such a wonderful man. I want him to be happy, even if it's without me in his life. But, I don't want to hold on hope if this is the end.

 

Has anyone gone through a similar situation and gotten back together down the road? The hardest part of the breakup is the fact that no one did anything wrong and we both feel VERY deeply for each other. I know it in my heart. Why can't he just believe in us and give it a chance? If we could last in a LDR, I am willing to move to LA to not only be with him and my family, but also further my career. I was planning on moving there prior to our relationship anyway.

 

Please help!

 

~PR-girl

[TMichaels]

If we could last in a LDR, I am willing to move to LA to not only be with him and my family, but also further my career. I was planning on moving there prior to our relationship anyway.

 

Please help!

 

Have you told him this? If so, what does he say?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[carhill]

Vegas and LA are like what an hour apart by plane?? Popping back and forth is pretty easy. The planes run practically all night at LAS

 

You both seem very career and success oriented. IOW, that comes first. Am I hearing wrong? That's cool, but relationships aren't conveniently fit into that, if your careers and work schedules are divergent. Getting together, whether across the country or a short drive across town, takes effort.

 

I'd float the move balloon and see what he says. My instinct is something else will come up. Happy to be wrong

[pr-girl]

Yes, I've told him this, but we both feel it's too early in the relationship to make a move. We only dated for about 3 months. I need to see that we last as a couple before I move. There's a lot to consider, but it makes more sense for me to mvoe there. I just have some things in Vegas I need to take care of first. I just feel as though he may not believe I'm worth the wait - or am I wrong?

[TMichaels]

A month ago today, he broke things off. He said the distance is too difficult for him. It seems as though he can't see the light at the end of the tunnel - the future we may have one day together. All he concentrates on is how he feels NOW. He said when we broke up, he thought he'd feel relieved from the pain, but he only feels worse now. Why won't he try being happy together then? Why can't he just believe in us and give it a chance?

 

Because the guy has "issues" -- I don't know what they are, but if he was seriously interested in pursuing a relationship with you he wouldn't be sitting home having his own personal pity party -- he'd be figuring out every which-way for the two of you to be together, even if that meant for only a couple of days here and there.

 

We only dated for about 3 months. I need to see that we last as a couple before I move. There's a lot to consider, but it makes more sense for me to mvoe there. I just have some things in Vegas I need to take care of first. I just feel as though he may not believe I'm worth the wait - or am I wrong?

 

Say, what?

 

This guy professes to love you so much it hurts that he's broken it off with you, and you think it's because he doesn't think YOU ARE WORTH THE WAIT?

 

What's exactly has he done he to further the relationship? He doesn't even want to be friends because "that would be to much to ask of you since he's the one who wants out."

 

Sorry, but there's just not something right here...

 

Most people wouldn't consider moving anywhere for someone who isn't putting in at least an equal amount of effort into a relationship, so why are you?

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited March 17, 2008 by TMichaels

[pr-girl]

You make very valid points, TMichaels. I have considered these as well.

 

He does want to be friends, but it's too hard on me. The conversations seem shallow and meaningless since they are no longer intimate. Convos change once you're back in the "friend" zone. He said he will respect my wishes of NC, but if I'd like to reach out to him, he's there for me.

 

I think the reason I haven't fully given up on him yet is because I know he really cares for me. Maybe his friend is right? Maybe he's just happier being sad? He is a musician and all...

[TMichaels]

I think the reason I haven't fully given up on him yet is because I know he really cares for me. Maybe his friend is right? Maybe he's just happier being sad? He is a musician and all...

 

Maybe. But, a lifetime of trying to convince someone that the glass doesn't always have to be half-empty isn't much fun, either.

 

I'd give serious thought to leaving things as they lie. "Maybe" he'll get his act together and take some initiative. If he doesn't, then he doesn't "care enough," now does he?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[pr-girl]

You're completely right. Thank you.

[sptu]

cant you move now there?!?!?to meet him even for few days to enjoy your time and to tell him that as long as you both enjoy, you dont have to stop sth!!! i mean, if you both want each other, you can "prove" him that distance is not that big and so you can be patient for a period and then to move...no?!?!?!sorry for my english if you didnt understand me but its not my native language! ;-)

[pr-girl]

I have made it very clear that I could move there eventually, but with him ready to give up after just a few months, I just can't make a move for him without knowing the relationship means enough to him. He also is worried that I'd end up resenting him for moving. But, I wouldn't just be moving for him. I'd move for my family and job too. He knows I'm willing to be patient with us. He says the pain he feels when we're apart is too great and he's worried he'll fall more for me and it'll just get worse if we stay together.

 

Currently, we're not talking. We've text a few times back and forth, mainly writing that we think about one another and we hope each other is ok. But, I miss this man tremendously and can't seem to focus on other things. I know if he gave us a chance, he can see what happiness is all about. I think he feels as though he doesn't deserve me or something.

 

I do know this: He says he's scared of me. He feels as though I could really hurt him. When asked what I've done to make him feel this way, he responds with, "Nothing, I trust you. I've opened up to you more than most people... ever. You're the most amazing, thoughtful woman I've ever met. I'm in awe of you. You're the strongest person I've ever met. I'm just more emotional and sensitive than you." He mentioned I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had.

 

Well, darn it! Than why would he give that up? Argh...

[sptu]

"it'll just get worse if we stay together" why you think that???

[pr-girl]

Those were his words. He says he is miserable without me and if he falls harder for me, it'll only make him feel worse - meaning, he'll miss me even more.

 

The reason this confuses me is that if he cares so much, why wouldn't he still want me in his life in this capacity?

[dancinggal]

PR-Girl, don't stay with him. You seem like an intelligent, driven woman who is willing to make giant leaps in order to get what you want. Moving to further you career and get a guy you want tells me you are a strong person. He doesn't seem to have the same back bone.

 

I agree with TM (I think that's who said it) who said that if he really wanted this, he would be making plans to make it work. Furthermore, even if he is genuinely into you, do you really want to be with someone that isn't as strong as you, is willing to give up when the going gets tough? I think not.

 

An hour away on plane is nothing. I'm 22, my boy is 26, I'm in Australia, he is in Canada. We've been doing this for over a year now, we saw each other for two months after four months apart, and now its been 10 months apart since then. The number one thing that has gotten me through is that fact that I'm waiting for someone strong enough to be able to deal with all these emotions, disappointments of not being able to see each other at important events, the fact that we can't touch each other before we go to sleep, the fact that we can't be physical with each other at all. I'm not saying he isn't a great guy, and I'm sure you can make your own choices on who is worthy, but in our long distance relationship, when things get tough for me emotionally, I have him there to be supportive, as he has me when things get tough for him. If he isn't willing to be as strong as you are, forget it, you deserve better.

[Ocean-Blue]

pr-girl, something sounds off here. He says he loves you and longs to be with you and yet doesn't want to try every possible avenue to be with you. You have expressed possibly moving to his location in the future...why hasn't he jumped on this? You'd think that he would try the LDR for a few months to prove to you that it can work.

 

Think about it. If you really wanted to be with someone, you will do anything in your power to do make that a reality, right? So he can't bear to be without you... Fine. So why not try to convince you to move there or to try dating for a few weeks to see how it goes?

 

Someone in his situation should be trying to convince you. Seems to me he either likes being miserable and enjoys the melodram or he doesn't want to be with you and is trying to let go as nicely as possible.

[pr-girl]

The number one thing that has gotten me through is that fact that I'm waiting for someone strong enough to be able to deal with all these emotions, disappointments of not being able to see each other at important events, the fact that we can't touch each other before we go to sleep, the fact that we can't be physical with each other at all. I'm not saying he isn't a great guy, and I'm sure you can make your own choices on who is worthy, but in our long distance relationship, when things get tough for me emotionally, I have him there to be supportive, as he has me when things get tough for him. If he isn't willing to be as strong as you are, forget it, you deserve better.

 

Thanks, Dancinggal. I do agree with what you're saying. He has mentioned that I'm the strongest person he's ever met; that he's much more emotional than I; that I have more resolve than he ever has seen - I know what I want out of life.

 

The hardest part is knowing neither one of us did anything wrong here. I do know he cares for me. We actually have never told each other we love each other, but I know in my heart I love him.

 

You made a very good point, though. I do need someone strong enough to be there when the "going gets tough."

[pr-girl]

Someone in his situation should be trying to convince you. Seems to me he either likes being miserable and enjoys the melodram or he doesn't want to be with you and is trying to let go as nicely as possible.

 

He told me his buddy said to him that he must be "happier being sad" if he ends it with me. He said that is possible. How is that possible? The pain I'm feeling right now I want to GO AWAY. I could NEVER be happier being this way. Do you know people like this? Do they ever get past it? Does it mean he could be depressed?

[Melissalive33]

Would any of you be willing to move? and LA to Vegas is only like 5 hours. not too bad... I am sorry to hear about the troubles.

[pr-girl]

I will be moving to CA in about a year or so. If he and I were together, it may have happened sooner, but he's not willing to tough it out until then, apparently. He says a couple months seems like an "eternity" to him to wait.

[beta]

Pr-girl......I soooooooooooooooooooooo know what you're going through!!!!! (read my "how to change a stubborn man's mind" post!) Where I used to be so focused and sure (so damm sure! especially about us) I have lost concentration on everything! What is this NC rule about anyways!!??? WHY must it exist? I miss him so much and he was a big part of my life (even coaching me on my business and helping me with my kids school projects!) Yours sounds a bit like mine (hasn't had that many girlfriends and does not have sex on one night stand bases!) Mine has given up on us without the benefit of us making love yet until he started to pull away and I started to get paranoid, it was going soooooo well. I don't get it. I can't give up though. I don't know how we could? We'll never really know unless we give it a try will we? (we as in you and I respectively with our bf...damm! ex-bf ) thinking of you....Beta

[beta]

Pr-girl...i'd love to chat ! (is that doable on these things??)

[pr-girl]

So, it's been almost 3 weeks since he and I have spoken on the phone. I tried calling once and left a message. He responded with a text the next morning that he was sorry he missed my call. He hasn't CALLED me back.

 

I'm going to his town tomorrow until Friday for work. Then, I go back to his town from next Thursday through Monday for personal reasons. He is aware I'll be there.

 

I don't see any desire on his end to be in contact with me at all. I know he's on my Myspace page almost every day. He puts up songs on his page that are very depressing and are proof that he's miserable since we broke up. I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

I think I need to let him go and not see him when I'm in town. Thoughts, anyone?

[imstunned]

I have skim read all these posts - I am not of the thinking generally that if somebody finds something hard that they are just not that into you. But what I really picked up on is the fact that he is a musician. They (and I am making a generalisation) tend to be tortured souls. So it probably is very true that he is happier being sad. So good for the songwriting (my dad is a musician - and oh so tortured) and creativity.

 

I think you may really need to let it go. You cant make it work on your own anyway. And what you cherish in this man would probably drive you nuts soon enough. In fact - look - its driving you crazy already. He has given up. Too busy being depressed and writing songs. Thats what they do. xxxxxxx

[pr-girl]

But what I really picked up on is the fact that he is a musician. They (and I am making a generalisation) tend to be tortured souls. So it probably is very true that he is happier being sad.

 

He has given up. Too busy being depressed and writing songs. Thats what they do. xxxxxxx

 

Thank you for the sound advice. I think I agree with you. I just wish he could've told me he didn't want me or doesn't want to be with me. Because he was so set on me knowing that he cares and wants so badly to be with me but can't do a LDR, it kills me to not have him fight for us.

 

As crazy as this makes me look, I just have to get thoughts on this. His current song on his Myspace is below. He just updated it the other day.

 

The O'Rourke's, 120 Am Lyrics by Good Life

 

it's different when you're lonely

the whole world's in love

holding hands between bar stools

and you're holding your tongue

hold on-you're so ****ed up...

so fickle

isn't this what you want?

so simple, so single

but it's different when you're hopeless

when the bars close their doors

growing hostile toward your waitress

those extra tips went ignored

 

it's different cause you're desperate

begging mercy on the sidewalk

to a sea of last callers

(keep the conversation quick

and keep them interested!)

you're different-and they sense it

your eyes can't disguise it

so glassy, half empty

ready to spill

 

hold on-please don't leave yet

i can't go home alone

it doesn't go over so well

so hold on just a little longer

at least through the night

at least 'til the morning

hold on. hold on to me

i can hardly stand-much less

the sight of myself

so hold on, hold on tight dear

put your foot on the gas

get me the f**k out of here

 

You wrote: "He has given up. Too busy being depressed and writing songs." As sad as this makes me to see in writing, I know you're right. By the looks of this song, he knows the misery he has put himself in, but will not do anything to change it.

 

I need to let him go.

Edited March 26, 2008 by pr-girl

[imstunned]

I'm so sorry. Maybe others here will have other advice - but being miserable as a musician is oh so good for the creativity. Rather than fighting to be happy he is focusing on how miserable he feels and pouring it out into songs.

 

I think this is just what they do. Its their out let for coping with things. I think its pretty clear how miserable he is - how he cares for you, I dont buy that he isnt into you at all. But you deserve a fighter. Somebody with a little bit more oommph! xx

[pr-girl]

I think its pretty clear how miserable he is - how he cares for you, I dont buy that he isnt into you at all. But you deserve a fighter. Somebody with a little bit more oommph! xx

 

Thank you. You're right. I do deserve a fighter. I just wish I could meet one. It seems every guy I date has the same issue. Why do I keep choosing these men? I thought he was different. He has conviction - something I'm not used to seeing in men I date. I thought he'd finally be strong enough for me. I guess I was wrong.