Lilach Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I met this guy at work. We talked a couple of times and one night, after having dinner together we made out. Since then, we had great sex every time we met, but we also started doing other things together: cinema, sports,… After two months he told me it would be better to stop the sex, because he had realized I was a great person and he did not want to hurt me. He wanted to be my friend but did not want a relationship with me. Then I went NC, but he kept on contacting me to do things together. As we kept on meeting accidentally (we work almost in the same place), we had lunch together a couple of times and now we see each other everyday, we can chat for hours, we spend the weekends together and we really talk about everything. I have never felt so close to a man, not even to my previous bfs. We have been like this for more than two months now. . No sex, no kissing, a lot of touching and teasing, and lots of fun. He has never tried anything during all this time. I try not to be always available for him and to spend time also with my other friends, but lately it is becoming difficult. First, because I really enjoy his company and time flies when we are together (not just for me, he also says this). Second , because I am becoming more and more attracted by him. I asked him whether he still sees me as a friend. He said that is a difficult question because on one hand he does not want to change our situation but on the other hand he likes my company more than anything in the world. He says talking to me makes him happy and helps him to enjoy life and forget his problems. This is a question for the guys: if you had sex with a girl and then you put her in the friend zone, then why would you want to spend so much time with her afterwards? Do you think he is starting to feel something for me other than friendship? What is going on here? And...can this become a romantic relationship in the future? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilach Posted March 15, 2008 Author Share Posted March 15, 2008 Please....I would appreciate some inputs from all you! Basically, what I am asking is: If you know a woman who you don't want to sleep with, do you call her to do things, do you seek to spend "alone" time with her, or anything of that nature? Why does a man pursue a deep friendship with a woman? I read here before that this only happens in the hopes of having sex. But what if HE stopped the sex? Thanks a lot, guys Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 If HE stopped the sex, it's because he's either not physically attracted to you, or he really just wants to pursue a friendship with you. Guy's are not complicated, and usually they mean what they say. There are no double meanings. He still wants to hang out with you because he truly enjoys your company as a friend. But in my opinion, you're still stuck on this guy romantically and therefore its really not in your best interest to continue hanging out with him. You'll only put yourself in a situation where you'll continue to develop feelings for him and in the end get hurt, in which case, you're already there. It's best to let him know that you're not over him yet and cannot see things as he is as of the moment, and would wish just to be alone. You're emotionally attached right now, and need to distance yourself from him. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 My guess is that he is getting sex from somewhere else, and sticks around with you because he likes how you treat him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilach Posted March 16, 2008 Author Share Posted March 16, 2008 Ummm… I doubt it, but maybe you are right and he is getting sex from somewhere else. So, in your opinion the fact he wants to spend so much time with me does not mean he feels attracted, right? So, do I consider his actions or his words? Because if I trust his words, he seems to see me as a friend, but if I look at his actions I feel we are much closer than two friends: none of my male friends wants to stay for 3 hours in the chat talking to me everyday, or spends his weekends doing things with me or books a one week trip for the two of us like he just did yesterday. I understand guys are not complicated and they mean what they say, but what about their actions? Am I reading too much into this or could he be feeling something else for me than what he says? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 If you know a woman who you don't want to sleep with, do you call her to do things, do you seek to spend "alone" time with her, or anything of that nature? Yes, did all of the above with platonic female friends. Note that "P" word. The relationships had no sex nor was I angling for any. I just connected well with them spiritually and intellectually. Why does a man pursue a deep friendship with a woman? I read here before that this only happens in the hopes of having sex. But what if HE stopped the sex? Many reasons. Depends on the man. Most are after sex. That horse already left your barn so the matter is academic. He already had that and chose to not want it anymore. If he is being honest and you're on the same page (about a non-sexual relationship), then you can be deep friends. It's all up to you. How much time do you spend a week with him in person and through communication? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilach Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 We spend 1-2 hours per day together in person (more during the weekends) and then, when I arrive home in the evening, we chat again through the internet. If I am not connected, he phones to tell me he is around. Then, we chat for a while: sometimes we don't talk much. Those times it is more about sharing time together than talking: we just leave the microphones and the cameras on and keep on doing our stuff, saying a few words from time to time. I try not to be always available for him, but it is difficult because I like to spend time with him and anyways he will contact me if I don't reply. And then, it does not feel right to tell him I don't want to see him: he makes me happy! When we talk and I look in his eyes I see something I don't see in the eyes of a friend. There have been many occasions in which I could have kissed him or he could have kissed me (as we did just when we met): I think he also has felt these moments, but none of us act on them. Do you also feel those moments when you are in a platonic friendship? Or perhaps the question should be: do you think this is a platonic friendship for him? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Do you also feel those moments when you are in a platonic friendship? Or perhaps the question should be: do you think this is a platonic friendship for him? Only with one person, but that's been such for about half my life (and I'm old) and I just know it's there and ignore it. Likely it's an extension of the long friendship. From your response, and considering the freshness of this, I don't think a platonic friendship with this person is possible for you at this time. I can't speak for him but, even with my brand of maleness, if I've been intimate with a woman, it would be difficult to transition to a platonic friendship in short order. Perhaps, for men who can easily see a woman as a portal for self-gratification only, it is possible, and maybe that's what we're hearing from your friend. He realized you were a great person and didn't want to hurt you. The sex was sport. Well, that's my armchair psych analysis anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 I hope you get out of this FWB soon because you are about to be very very hurt. All of this and he still does NOT want a real relationship. I know it confuzzzles you but YOU are going to be hurt by this when one day he does find the right girl to be in a real relationship .. He does like hanging out with you. He likes alot about you. But he does not wanted to be committed to you. You must accept that. Now HE doesn't want sex anymore. There is only one real reason for that. He is getting it elsewhere. If the * elsewhere* goes away , he may come back and get sex from you , but why be sloppy seconds ? I would tell him that you will no longer be contacting him and that he respect that so YOU can find someone great who DOES want a relationship. Do not confuse chemistry + friendship + great sex = relationship. It DOES NOT. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 I have to agree with everyone else (who will tell you I'm much better at giving advice then taking it, but...) It's time to let the guy know where you stand. That your romantic feelings are still there yet you feel like your left hanging. He wants some of you but not all of you and it can't stay that way, unless your romantic feelings were to fade...which at this point they likely will not. From this point on, as long as you let the routine continue, it's considered "waiting" around for him. But if you cut the whole thing loose, your waiting no longer. Maybe this is what it would take to make him think and realize what his true feelings might be...I know it's hard to think about but moving forward without looking back is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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