The Valiant Knight has been slain

[Owl]

If anyone feels that my posting is "militant", please contact the mods so that they can put me in check. Otherwise, feel free to post your own advice, and I'll post mine.

 

I absolutely understand the "it takes time".

 

I also completely realize that nothing changes until you first decide to make the change, and then take action to implement the change.

 

Which is why I push for people making a choice, and implementing a plan to reach their goals.

 

I don't advocate sitting around wallowing in self-pity for weeks/months/years...that PROLONGS how long it takes to get into recovery mode. So I do try to post advice that keeps the person focused on their goals and how to implement them.

 

Again, if anyone here doesn't like my advice, don't take it. If you feel I'm being belligerent, report me. If you can't do either, ignore me.

[whichwayisup]

I know you are not bashing me..

 

SD's words to OWL's post earlier, so I don't understand why you're very upset TC. Each one of us have helped SD in our own way and OWL has been respectful, understanding and giving some real good advice to SD. You may not like his style, that's fine...But it isn't fair to jump on him and tell him how to give advice and from what frame of mind/angle. The bottomline is, EVERYONE who has replied to SD cares and has put in alot of effort and thought into their posts, and yes, from their own experience. Let SD speak for himself if he finds OWL's posts too "militant".

[Owl]

I'd also like to point out that I've not once said that Stamp is wrong for what he's feeling.

 

What I've said is that he's going to keep feeling that way for as long as he doesn't take action to move on.

 

He's STILL taking phone calls from here, even as of this weekend. That's NOT NC. That's NOT 'moving on'. That's NOT progressing towards his own personal healing. Its not part of any "plan". He was still 'waiting for her' even as recently as this weekend.

 

How can he expect to heal at all while he still remains in this situation? It CAN'T happen.

 

Which is why I continue to ask him exactly HOW he's going to heal.

[allbetternow]

OWL what you fail to see is that he IS moving in the right direction.

 

 

I'm sorry but your style is totally militant I just don't think you get what it takes to get out of this, you keep asking about this plan (?!?). He has a plan he is on it, why not let him ride it out? He's not gonna just stop talking about it and come on here and claim "hey gang I'm over it let's party" it's a process and if he needs a year or 3 to journal the ups and downs so be it, he WILL get to the otherside but pressuring him to come up with some "laid out plan" which HE IS CLEARLY already on, I just don't see how that is helping him at all.

 

And I'm sorry but it has NOT dragged out a long time he is JUST entering the letting go PROCESS he has a long way to go still of him flip flopping back and forth and soul searching. A LONG way to go.

 

TC, in my humble opinion which I know you don't care for, your posts are more militant than others, particularly OWL's. Most of us have been there and that's why we are here. SD's posts indicate that he has been in this cycle for a very long time and that it is self destructive and not healthy for him. What he doesn't need is for someone else to tell him that it is all going to be ok. We have been there and know that's what it takes to be healthy and get back our dignity and self-respect. No one here has ever minimized what SD is going through or made attempts to make SD feel badly. Everyone wants him on the right track. The problem is, SD posts that he is trying and says that he is going to do things and then comes back here with a new post saying she has crushed him once again. The sympathy truck has run out of gas with most of us and as I mentioned in a previous thread, SD needs toughlove, Dr Phil kind of love. Owl has been involved with SD's saga since his first post, (and yes, this has dragged out a long time) and I have observed and respected his advice to SD all along. Some have chosen to be more sympathetic but have eventually given up. And some remain sympathetic. As they say, the lord helps those that helps themselves. When will SD make the move to help himself? We are trying to encourage him to do just that. No one said it was easy. We know that it is not easy at all. But it is what has to happen to end this cycle. If not for SD, for the benefit of those impacted by the situation. If he is this consumed with this relationship as he appears to be, I find it hard to believe that the children, job, etc aren't suffering the effects as well.

 

I know there are different styles, and I am not saying that yours is wrong, but from my perspective, Owl's advice is just what SD needs to hear.

[stampdaddy]

EVERYONE has been a blessing to me.. I know I am stuck, and I do appreciate everybody's patience and guidance.. I AM trying, and no it isn't easy.. I think I am close, very close to FINALLY being able to walk away for good.. I am not going to act like "you all don't understand" or that I am the "only one" to go through something like this.. But it is for ME to try to figure out, and maybe I should have quit a long time ago, but I didn't.. I continued to love her and believe that we aould have "our day"... I never thought I would have to "quit" to maybe win her back one day.. That in itself is F***ed up!

 

So again, thank you to everybody.. We will get there...

[Trialbyfire]

EVERYONE has been a blessing to me.. I know I am stuck, and I do appreciate everybody's patience and guidance.. I AM trying, and no it isn't easy.. I think I am close, very close to FINALLY being able to walk away for good.. I am not going to act like "you all don't understand" or that I am the "only one" to go through something like this.. But it is for ME to try to figure out, and maybe I should have quit a long time ago, but I didn't.. I continued to love her and believe that we aould have "our day"... I never thought I would have to "quit" to maybe win her back one day.. That in itself is F***ed up!

 

So again, thank you to everybody.. We will get there...

The bolded statement is where your problem lies. She ain't worth spit.

[Owl]

SD, here's the difference in our mindsets right now.

 

You're talking about "quitting so you can win her back someday".

 

What I'm talking about is "quitting so that SD can heal and be whole someday".

 

What you're suggesting is STILL not moving on...its STILL not about focusing on yourself and your future, and letting her life go where she takes it.

 

Its STILL aimed at "winning her back someday".

 

She's NOT YOURS. Right now, I'm not sure that she's "HIS" either...but she's very very clearly not yours.

 

What you need to do is to quit planning on a future with her. Quit thinking about how you might "win her back". Start thinking about "how am I going to get over this". And "how can anyone heal if they think that I'm still here for her whenever she decides to come?"

 

You miss her, and what the two of you had. I don't doubt that for a second. But what you need to do is to realize that that part of your life IS OVER!!! What you had wasn't "meant to be". It was a mistake. On your part, and on hers. Cheating is NEVER the right way to start/live in a relationship. (I can hear all the OW/OM posters on the board clamoring at me now...this is my position on it...I realize that many of you feel differently)

 

The sooner you realize that you can't live your life with the "win her back" mentality (HOWEVER you opt to try to win her back), and realize that your affair with her is OVER...only then will you start to heal. Until then, you're going to remain in this "limbo from Hell".

 

Its all up to you. As long as you hold out hope for a relationship with her, you're also going to stay in the place you're in. When you move on...without reservations and that "I'll get her back eventually" attitude, then things will start to get better.

 

Who do you have to talk with "in person" about this? Other than LS, do you have anyone (friends or family) that you can discuss this with?

[HeatherK08]

If anyone feels that my posting is "militant", please contact the mods so that they can put me in check. Otherwise, feel free to post your own advice, and I'll post mine.

 

I absolutely understand the "it takes time".

 

I also completely realize that nothing changes until you first decide to make the change, and then take action to implement the change.

 

Which is why I push for people making a choice, and implementing a plan to reach their goals.

 

I don't advocate sitting around wallowing in self-pity for weeks/months/years...that PROLONGS how long it takes to get into recovery mode. So I do try to post advice that keeps the person focused on their goals and how to implement them.

 

Again, if anyone here doesn't like my advice, don't take it. If you feel I'm being belligerent, report me. If you can't do either, ignore me.

 

I totally agree with making a plan and getting it together, the self-pity stuff is only good for so long before I start thinking (for myself or the other person) - um...ok fix it already. I was raised to be very independant and had no time to sit around complaining about things.

 

On a side note however, it should be known that the psyche will not do or realize anything it cannot handle. Alot of these denial and repression mechanisms are NORMAL defenses that the pysche uses to protect itself from danger (an awful reality), and you can't always put a time frame over 'getting over' things - what may be a good amount of time for one, may not be enough for another.

 

There does come a point when reality has been laid bare and the person sees it clearly, and a person still chooses to be self-destructive - that person in my opinion needs more help in changing that behavior, more support and more clarity over WHY. It probably has more to do with personal unresolved issues than it does with the people involved in the current situation.

 

I hope people will look to more than this board for support.

[MimiMe]

Yeah, a 4 year "learning experience"... great

But, it is all I CAN do...

 

 

Better 4 yrs of a "learning experience" than a wasted life. You live and you learn... and what doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER!

 

Good luck and wishes of strenght to you.

[allbetternow]

I totally agree with making a plan and getting it together, the self-pity stuff is only good for so long before I start thinking (for myself or the other person) - um...ok fix it already. I was raised to be very independant and had no time to sit around complaining about things.

 

On a side note however, it should be known that the psyche will not do or realize anything it cannot handle. Alot of these denial and repression mechanisms are NORMAL defenses that the pysche uses to protect itself from danger (an awful reality), and you can't always put a time frame over 'getting over' things - what may be a good amount of time for one, may not be enough for another.

 

There does come a point when reality has been laid bare and the person sees it clearly, and a person still chooses to be self-destructive - that person in my opinion needs more help in changing that behavior, more support and more clarity over WHY. It probably has more to do with personal unresolved issues than it does with the people involved in the current situation.

 

I hope people will look to more than this board for support.

 

Good post Heather... I could not agree more and I think this is also what Owl was getting at when he asked SD if he had someone else he could talk to. Although we would all like to help him here, we can only do so much. SD, I know you've mentioned that you've talked to someone before, hopefully you can get back there and they can give you some real tools to help begin the healing process. Good luck.

[Trialbyfire]

If anyone feels that my posting is "militant", please contact the mods so that they can put me in check. Otherwise, feel free to post your own advice, and I'll post mine.

 

I absolutely understand the "it takes time".

 

I also completely realize that nothing changes until you first decide to make the change, and then take action to implement the change.

 

Which is why I push for people making a choice, and implementing a plan to reach their goals.

 

I don't advocate sitting around wallowing in self-pity for weeks/months/years...that PROLONGS how long it takes to get into recovery mode. So I do try to post advice that keeps the person focused on their goals and how to implement them.

 

Again, if anyone here doesn't like my advice, don't take it. If you feel I'm being belligerent, report me. If you can't do either, ignore me.

What happens with people like this, is that they cycle, obsess and never break that cycle. From what I've seen from SD, he's addicted to her, like he's on crack cocaine. What he needs to do is to stop romanticizing the situation and realizing that there's nothing to gain, from hanging on. The prize has played him for four years, to meet her own personal needs. I can only say that he must have a need, to not feel like he deserves an honest relationship.

 

Heather, too many people use denial/self-defense mechanisms, as a way to avoid hard decisions and confrontation. They hurt themselves worse, when allowed to wallow.

[Kamille]

Stamp,

 

You need to look at it this way:

 

How many R's do most people go through before they find the person they want to marry? Most people go through more than a few...That's the script for dating...You find someone you like, you see each other, it works for awhile and then one or both of you decide you don't want to spend the rest of your lives together...So you move on and date to try and find the "one"...

 

An A is just a more entangled type of dating...There's only so many outcomes that can even happen...That's why it's like a script...It's very similar to single dating, just a more complicated form...It seems like your story is similar to someone else's because it is...But it doesn't make it any less real...

 

How many times have you listened to a friend dish about their love life and it's like dejavu?

 

In an A, you have a 1 in 2 chance of the person leaving...and you have a 1 in 2 chance of the person staying...You just don't know which one it will be...The mere fact that there's a limited number of outcomes means that your story will sound like someone else's...

 

You loved her. She hurt you. And now you must choose to move on, or stay in a position where she is controlling you: your feelings and in a way, your actions...

 

You can move on and accept that it wasn't the right time for you. You can still love her and leave her behind. Because you have to take care of you. She may never realize how selfish she is and how much she has hurt you. But you can forgive her for it and move on.

 

It doesn't mean that what you had with her wasn't the best thing she ever had. It just means that she's not the one for you if she hasn't figured it out by now.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Great post, yet I disagree that affairs are just slightly more complicated versions of dating.

 

I have been involved in an affair briefly and the difference is that dating, in its initial stages, has no conditions set on it. Entering an affair, the OW or OM are already accepting that they will compromise who they are for someone else. They are already settling for something they fundamentally don't want. It's the central and fondamental compromise of most As, one that makes it impossible to date normally and figure out where else you might be compatible/incompatible. It makes affair highly romantic yet this probably accounts for the fact that the majority of relationships that started as an affair eventually fail.

[Tomcat33]

If anyone feels that my posting is "militant", please contact the mods so that they can put me in check. Otherwise, feel free to post your own advice, and I'll post mine.

 

I absolutely understand the "it takes time".

 

I also completely realize that nothing changes until you first decide to make the change, and then take action to implement the change.

 

Which is why I push for people making a choice, and implementing a plan to reach their goals.

 

I don't advocate sitting around wallowing in self-pity for weeks/months/years...that PROLONGS how long it takes to get into recovery mode. So I do try to post advice that keeps the person focused on their goals and how to implement them.

 

Again, if anyone here doesn't like my advice, don't take it. If you feel I'm being belligerent, report me. If you can't do either, ignore me.

 

 

First of all we are exchanging opinions are we not? My opinion is that your posts stand out more than others with the militant style of "where are you headed, what is your plan why aren't you sticking to it, when is this going to stop???" so that to me comes across as millitant, BIG difference from being belligerent. Ultimately judegemental of what you would LIKE for him to be doing and somewhat neglecting what HE IS doing.

 

And to those that say this has gone on too long give me a break the guy just came here two months ago, TWO months ago and he was knee deep in denial ONLY 2 months ago. He ACTUALLY broke up with her cut and dry MAYBE 2 weeks ago, and now you same people are claiming "this has gone on for too long" "enough already" you expect him to have it all worked out in two weeks!?!? Seriously let's get a reality check here. He was with her for 4 years, do you expect people to get over a relationship of 4 yrs in two friggin months?

 

Honestly you are CLUELESS if you think you can be on your road to being over someone and to have the amount of clarity one needs to put their best foot forward to succeed, in two months. ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS.

And perhaps it has been a real long time since you dated and remember what is was like to be broken up with someone and the hard work it is. BUT compound that times a 100 because and affair break up messes you up even more. AGAIN, if you have never gone skydiving perhaps you are not the best person to explain what the process is for making it successfully to the ground.

 

Please read the posts by SD in Dec and then come back here and tell me there has been no progress. You're rushing him to have things solved is getting him nowhere because is is not up to you it is up to his internal clock ticking and his innner voice and looking at it from this point of view and in my opinion he is progressing JUST as he should. The cloud of denial IS lifting, his eyes are slowly opening up and he is moving towards the right direction. Some of you are too busy trying to push an apple out of a banana tree and can't see his progress for your own agendas. Let the guy be is my motto, he's getting there, on his own terms but he is getting there.

Edited March 17, 2008 by Tomcat33

[whichwayisup]

He was with her for 4 years, do you expect people to get over a relationship of 4 yrs in two friggin months?

 

No, noone is saying that. All most are trying to do is help him stick with NC.

 

TC, I wish you'd stop accusing some people of having their own agenda's. As you said, everyone has an opinion and advice to offer, and it's not up to you to censor someone and tell them what type of advice to give or not give. Bottomline once again, people care and I think SD sees this and can decide for himself what advice he'll take and what advice he'll leave behind...That's his private business and noone should be telling HIM what posts to listen to and what posts to ignore.

[stampdaddy]

Yes, I have a very strong support group around me, some know, some dont.. I have great neighbors that we hang with and have over, I have my baseball and football teams that I coach, with parents and other coaches I hang with, I have friends that I play golf with, and strangers I play golf with too, and I have my FAMILY.. I do talk a little to a couple of "real" people, BUT, I look for more "support" here..

 

Once it warms up and I can get outside more (the weather here has been so crappy for so long..), THAT will be my salvation...

 

My reference to "winning her back", was just a statement really, on what Bull Sh*t it would be if that was the "only" way to have a chance.. and quite frankly, if that is the ONLY way, then screw it, I don't want that... I am NOT a game player... "Do you love me? YES, you are the love of my life..." OK then, do something

[Owl]

TC, you may disagree with my advice, and that's fine.

 

State your own advice, and move on. Feel free to state why you disagree with my advice while you're at it.

 

But please stop with the personal comments, (i.e...clueless) and judgements. While I disagree with you (and your 'style') as much as you appear to disagree with mine, I am not interested in trying to state reasons why anyone should ignore your advice (although I can think of many). Please use that same respect towards me.

 

Thank you.

[Tomcat33]

TC, you may disagree with my advice, and that's fine.

 

State your own advice, and move on. Feel free to state why you disagree with my advice while you're at it.

 

But please stop with the personal comments, (i.e...clueless) and judgements. While I disagree with you (and your 'style') as much as you appear to disagree with mine, I am not interested in trying to state reasons why anyone should ignore your advice (although I can think of many). Please use that same respect towards me.

 

Thank you.

 

 

I don't disagree with your advice I disagree with how you PUSH for results, and for how you dismiss what he is doing and only focus on what he is not.

 

I don't see how that is helping him and clearly it is not because he is making up his own mind anyway and doing it his way anyway. Maybe he's not ready for a lot the things he wishes to be ready for. Maybe he contradicts himself a lot, so what? It's only been two months. and he is probably going to do it even more. He has told us time after time this is his main support system now, I just don't see how only focusing on the negative is helping him.

 

Sorry some of you can't see the progress, I can and I think it is valid to focus on that NOT on only what he is NOT doing. It's baby steps.

 

Lastly "clueless" is anyone who says "it's gone on long enough" two months is long enough? Didn't realise the guy was on a time limit to deal with his emotions that's all.

[stampdaddy]

OK, I am making progress, I know I am... But let me tell you ALL what it has been like here for me lately..

 

I have house that I moved into a little over a year ago.. SHE was here all of the time, "helping" get the house where WE wanted it.. We worked in the yard alot last spring to get it into shape, and we did.. NOW, today, Spring is this week, and I will be doing it ALONE, but remembering everything that WE did together.. I am not good with all of the planters, flowers etc.. SHE was... Inside the house, I am STILL painting, getting furniture, installing dimmer switches (that SHE wanted), etc.. I have to look at all of the things that WE bought together.. You just can't throw away paintings and furniture... Just this past weekend, I boxed up ALL of her stuff.. I have NEVER cried so much or so hard in my life... I felt like I was "quitting on her", which I guess I am, but still an "ugly" feeling.. I cleaned out HER drawers, HER closet, took pictures or HER children off the fridge, put away HER pictures, cleaned out HER vanity, including her toothbrush, her hairbrush, her makeup, her perfume, her tampons, etc... This was just yesterday.... So, I AM making progress, but I am no where near closure.... And what I think makes this so much harder is that these are things that I DID NOT want to do, I want this stuff to stay, forever.. BECAUSE I LOVE HER

[Lookingforward]

"progress" is SD seeing what she really IS, and always has been apparently, but he was blinded by the way he wanted her to be. Maybe he is is starting now to see her for what she is, but it's a lot harder to get your heart to take that in even if your head knows it.

 

So yes, baby steps, but he really needs to stop taking her calls , just my opinion.

[whichwayisup]

I can only imagine how hard this has been, to box up all that stuff, and put to bed those dreams she led you to believe that you two WERE going to have a life together...

 

I know you don't want to hurt her because it hurts you to do so - But the more you allow her contact, the more you will hurt. I know you're doing NC and she isn't sticking to it...Somehow, hour by hour, day by day, NC has to stick and sadly for you, that means cutting her off and not answering calls. It means hurting her - Not malciously, but for your own heart and peace of mind..

[Lookingforward]

OK, I am making progress, I know I am... But let me tell you ALL what it has been like here for me lately..

 

I have house that I moved into a little over a year ago.. SHE was here all of the time, "helping" get the house where WE wanted it.. We worked in the yard alot last spring to get it into shape, and we did.. NOW, today, Spring is this week, and I will be doing it ALONE, but remembering everything that WE did together.. I am not good with all of the planters, flowers etc.. SHE was... Inside the house, I am STILL painting, getting furniture, installing dimmer switches (that SHE wanted), etc.. I have to look at all of the things that WE bought together.. You just can't throw away paintings and furniture... Just this past weekend, I boxed up ALL of her stuff.. I have NEVER cried so much or so hard in my life... I felt like I was "quitting on her", which I guess I am, but still an "ugly" feeling.. I cleaned out HER drawers, HER closet, took pictures or HER children off the fridge, put away HER pictures, cleaned out HER vanity, including her toothbrush, her hairbrush, her makeup, her perfume, her tampons, etc... This was just yesterday.... So, I AM making progress, but I am no where near closure.... And what I think makes this so much harder is that these are things that I DID NOT want to do, I want this stuff to stay, forever.. BECAUSE I LOVE HER

 

This wasn't an "affair" this was a double life - for her at least - that makes me so MAD, that she could DO that, with no intention of ever following through.

 

What on earth made you think all you were entitled to was a "half life" ??

[Lookingforward]

I hope you're sending all "HER stuff" back to her H (where it belongs)

Edited March 17, 2008 by Lookingforward

[Tomcat33]

OK, I am making progress, I know I am... But let me tell you ALL what it has been like here for me lately..

 

I have house that I moved into a little over a year ago.. SHE was here all of the time, "helping" get the house where WE wanted it.. We worked in the yard alot last spring to get it into shape, and we did.. NOW, today, Spring is this week, and I will be doing it ALONE, but remembering everything that WE did together.. I am not good with all of the planters, flowers etc.. SHE was... Inside the house, I am STILL painting, getting furniture, installing dimmer switches (that SHE wanted), etc.. I have to look at all of the things that WE bought together.. You just can't throw away paintings and furniture... Just this past weekend, I boxed up ALL of her stuff.. I have NEVER cried so much or so hard in my life... I felt like I was "quitting on her", which I guess I am, but still an "ugly" feeling.. I cleaned out HER drawers, HER closet, took pictures or HER children off the fridge, put away HER pictures, cleaned out HER vanity, including her toothbrush, her hairbrush, her makeup, her perfume, her tampons, etc... This was just yesterday.... So, I AM making progress, but I am no where near closure.... And what I think makes this so much harder is that these are things that I DID NOT want to do, I want this stuff to stay, forever.. BECAUSE I LOVE HER

 

 

Look Stamp all I see when I read your posts is you are moving and coasting almost outside of yourself, because you know you have to but not because you are convinced you WANT TO. And it is very hard to be in that state. I GET IT. You will probably be acting out of inertia for some time, it's at the point where the mind meets the soul that something will click within you and no amount of preaching, hand holding, demanding, pressure or anything that is being imposed is going to get you to that point only YOU can find the way to make this pain more tollerable. The pain is your only guide it is your only point of reality.

 

WE can talk down about your woman and talk about what a despicable human being she is BUT IT DOES NOT MATTER, you love her you cannot help what your heart feels. But everything you have just described on how you are slowly washing your life of this woman's presence is ON THE RIGHT TRACK, you ARE are making the zombie walk right now and that is remarkable. When you come to life again you will have more power to do what is completely right for you. I think you are doing just fine, and commend you how hard you are working to get through this.

 

 

 

You will not be able to let go until you accept and you cannot accept without movement, you are moving I see acceptance happening for you, maybe not today maybe not tomorrow or in a month but acceptance will come. I have faith in your strength.

I also see anger coming out when you post sometimes and that is a good sign of progress.

 

I refuse to focus on what you are NOT doing because I KNOW just how expremely hard this is for you, and I make no apologies for that.

[stampdaddy]

This wasn't an "affair" this was a double life - for her at least - that makes me so MAD, that she could DO that, with no intention of ever following through.

 

What on earth made you think all you were entitled to was a "half life" ??

What I "thought" was that she WAS on her way... I would have NEVER settled for a "double life" for her, NEVER!!!!!! And I truly think that she too thought that she was on her way, but as we say in Texas, "when it was nut cuttin' time, she chickened out, at my expense..:"

[Elena62]

OK, I am making progress, I know I am... But let me tell you ALL what it has been like here for me lately..

 

I have house that I moved into a little over a year ago.. SHE was here all of the time, "helping" get the house where WE wanted it.. We worked in the yard alot last spring to get it into shape, and we did.. NOW, today, Spring is this week, and I will be doing it ALONE, but remembering everything that WE did together.. I am not good with all of the planters, flowers etc.. SHE was... Inside the house, I am STILL painting, getting furniture, installing dimmer switches (that SHE wanted), etc.. I have to look at all of the things that WE bought together.. You just can't throw away paintings and furniture... Just this past weekend, I boxed up ALL of her stuff.. I have NEVER cried so much or so hard in my life... I felt like I was "quitting on her", which I guess I am, but still an "ugly" feeling.. I cleaned out HER drawers, HER closet, took pictures or HER children off the fridge, put away HER pictures, cleaned out HER vanity, including her toothbrush, her hairbrush, her makeup, her perfume, her tampons, etc... This was just yesterday.... So, I AM making progress, but I am no where near closure.... And what I think makes this so much harder is that these are things that I DID NOT want to do, I want this stuff to stay, forever.. BECAUSE I LOVE HER

 

Wow that is just so hard, so very hard. How can anyone understand or feel the pain your going through? You've articulated it so well, you're really in touch with your feelings!

 

To me, you come across as hurting so bad that it has totally broken your heart and you still need to recover and heal. And hey, if it takes for you to go through a process that takes a long long time, then do it.

 

It's grief what you feel, a deep sense of loss. I don't know how you've managed to hold her things in your hands and box them away like that. I can't even begin to imagine how painful it was for you. That you did it was a brave thing of you to do. Another path towards closure. Do it all bit by bit, the closure stuff.

 

It's better to take it slow, to live through the hurt, the love, the disappointment, the memories all of it - if you don't, you won't heal.

 

I'm always amazed by what you write, because it's so deep and it makes me cry and I get a sense of what it was all about for you.

 

I hope you continue along your path as you're doing, and that you continue to share it. Because there are not a lot of people that can articulate it so well and I'm sure this is helping others with their recover: To know they are not alone.

 

I'm feel sorry that you had to go through that pain yesterday. I feel sorry that spring is reminding you. I hope the warmer days that are coming will aid your recovery!