The Valiant Knight has been slain

[whichwayisup]

What on earth made you think all you were entitled to was a "half life" ??

Obviously his MW gave him the impression that he was...I mean, she's married, yet helped pick a house with him, decorate the house, buy stuff for the house...Yeah, she was living a double life, but she made it seem like her 'other' life was over. Atleast that's how I've read it from SD's posts.

[Lookingforward]

Obviously his MW gave him the impression that he was...I mean, she's married, yet helped pick a house with him, decorate the house, buy stuff for the house...Yeah, she was living a double life, but she made it seem like her 'other' life was over. Atleast that's how I've read it from SD's posts.

 

Yeah, some so called "women" suck (royally)

[Owl]

SD, I can well imagine how much that hurts to have done.

 

And it really and truly IS progress.

 

I've got to say that it is amazing that she was that 'moved in'. And dealing with the end of that has to be pure torture.

 

The only reason I "push" you is because I truly believe that the only way you're GOING to recover is by recognizing "the end of it", and by not leaving those little loopholes of "if she comes back" open in your heart. Those little loopholes will let your heart continue to bleed and bleed...and that's NOT progress towards healing.

 

Keep moving forward. Keep making the changes in your life that will let you "get past" this, and start to heal. I don't expect you to be "over it already" by any means.

 

What I've been pushing for in your case is to take those steps that will eventually lead you to that. Like establishing a REAL "no contact" policy, where she's NOT able to draw you back into the maelstrom at her whim. Like cutting off any further opportunities for her to use you as an escape from her choices and her actions.

 

I've not been pushing you to "get over it". I've been pushing you to "do something about it". From MY perspective at least, there's a big difference.

 

Hang in there...keep doing what you need to do. You CAN get over all of this.

[Tomcat33]

Wow that is just so hard, so very hard. How can anyone understand or feel the pain your going through? You've articulated it so well, you're really in touch with your feelings!

 

To me, you come across as hurting so bad that it has totally broken your heart and you still need to recover and heal. And hey, if it takes for you to go through a process that takes a long long time, then do it.

 

It's grief what you feel, a deep sense of loss. I don't know how you've managed to hold her things in your hands and box them away like that. I can't even begin to imagine how painful it was for you. That you did it was a brave thing of you to do. Another path towards closure. Do it all bit by bit, the closure stuff.

 

It's better to take it slow, to live through the hurt, the love, the disappointment, the memories all of it - if you don't, you won't heal.

 

I'm always amazed by what you write, because it's so deep and it makes me cry and I get a sense of what it was all about for you.

 

I hope you continue along your path as you're doing, and that you continue to share it. Because there are not a lot of people that can articulate it so well and I'm sure this is helping others with their recover: To know they are not alone.

 

I'm feel sorry that you had to go through that pain yesterday. I feel sorry that spring is reminding you. I hope the warmer days that are coming will aid your recovery!

 

I see the exact same thing.

[Lookingforward]

What I "thought" was that she WAS on her way... I would have NEVER settled for a "double life" for her, NEVER!!!!!! And I truly think that she too thought that she was on her way, but as we say in Texas, "when it was nut cuttin' time, she chickened out, at my expense..:"

 

Yup, trust me I KNOW it's not easy and it won't get any easier for a while - but the only way through this is through it - hang in there and just take it one day at a time.

 

But true NC is the best way, not this to and froing you've been doing.

 

Stop being there "for her" in any way

[Elena62]

I see the exact same thing.

 

I know we've seen it a couple of times here

[Elena62]

Yup, trust me I KNOW it's not easy and it won't get any easier for a while - but the only way through this is through it - hang in there and just take it one day at a time.

 

But true NC is the best way, not this to and froing you've been doing.

 

Stop being there "for her" in any way

 

I agree with you that it can't be easy for him!

 

After reading SD's last post, I would think that at times it will be excruciating and painful to extremes that none of us can understand to go complete NC. His heart, to me, seems like it's broken into a thousand pieces - it just comes across that way.

 

SD, if you go NC for two days and it slips again, don't beat yourself up about it. Those periods of NC will extend, with time, and when your heart is ready!

[Tomcat33]

I know we've seen it a couple of times here

 

 

Yup!

 

The thing is he is IN EXTREME amount of pain right now, and the last thing he needs is to go into panic mode because he "needs to figure all this stuff out", he DOESN'T have to figure it out now! Why create more distress for him now? It'll come to him I am confident of that, but he needs to give it time. He needs to process what he lived for the last 4 years VS where he is right now and see what is what, and he has already started on that journey. Constantly asking him "so what's your plan, where to next? what do you plan to do now?"

 

PLEASE STOP!! one step at a time. It's too much!!

 

Call me an enabler, call what I am doing hand holding, doesn't matter WHO doesn't need a hand held in a time of pain? I just don't think this is the time to hit him with demands. There is a right time for everything.

[Trialbyfire]

"Do you love me? YES, you are the love of my life..." OK then, do something

Actions, stampdaddy. Read her actions. Ignore the romantic patter, because that's all it is. A cold dish of nothing.

[Owl]

SD, you know that I'm NOT a hand-holder. I'll give you straight up advice, that is nearly always 'action oriented'...because I'm a firm believer that doing nothing accomplishes nothing.

 

Regardless...hang in there man. You know what you need to do...now its just a matter of sticking to your guns and making it happen.

[Tomcat33]

So this is doing nothing now?:

 

Join Date: Dec 2007

Location: Nunya

Posts: 783

 

 

OK, I am making progress, I know I am... But let me tell you ALL what it has been like here for me lately..

 

I have house that I moved into a little over a year ago.. SHE was here all of the time, "helping" get the house where WE wanted it.. We worked in the yard alot last spring to get it into shape, and we did.. NOW, today, Spring is this week, and I will be doing it ALONE, but remembering everything that WE did together.. I am not good with all of the planters, flowers etc.. SHE was... Inside the house, I am STILL painting, getting furniture, installing dimmer switches (that SHE wanted), etc.. I have to look at all of the things that WE bought together.. You just can't throw away paintings and furniture... Just this past weekend, I boxed up ALL of her stuff.. I have NEVER cried so much or so hard in my life... I felt like I was "quitting on her", which I guess I am, but still an "ugly" feeling.. I cleaned out HER drawers, HER closet, took pictures or HER children off the fridge, put away HER pictures, cleaned out HER vanity, including her toothbrush, her hairbrush, her makeup, her perfume, her tampons, etc... This was just yesterday.... So, I AM making progress, but I am no where near closure.... And what I think makes this so much harder is that these are things that I DID NOT want to do, I want this stuff to stay, forever.. BECAUSE I LOVE HER

 

I see.

[Owl]

TC, I've already discussed that. Would you please take your venom out on someone else? I'm not interested in verbally sparring with you. Thank you.

[Tomcat33]

TC, I've already discussed that. Would you please take your venom out on someone else? I'm not interested in verbally sparring with you. Thank you.

 

Oh stop, I am not taking anything out on you OWL. I'm just protecting what I care about, Stampdaddy. He deserves to be acknowledged for all the hard work he is putting into this rather than being told "you are doing nothing" or "nothing equals nothing"

 

If that's spewing venom, trying to encourage someone that feels really badly right now to focus on the good and not the bad then clearly you and I will never see eye to eye OWL.

 

Quite frankly I don't want to see eye to eye with someone who does not wish to understand pain.

[Owl]

Stamp, I'm curious...what did you do with her stuff that you packed out? Store it, give it back to her, give it to her H, throw it in the trash...what?

 

Also, did you make a firm choice to no longer let her contact you going forward as a result of this weekend? Or has that door been left open?

[stampdaddy]

Stamp, I'm curious...what did you do with her stuff that you packed out? Store it, give it back to her, give it to her H, throw it in the trash...what?

 

Also, did you make a firm choice to no longer let her contact you going forward as a result of this weekend? Or has that door been left open?

Well, I first just took things down, like 10-12 pictures of us, her... Removed the pictures from their frames and put into a folder.. I took the 4 years of school pictures of each of her children down off of the refridgerator, and too, put those neatly into an envelope.. Then, I got a big storage box and startedto put away all of the cards, letters, wine corks, momentos of all shapes and sizes, little statuettes, flower vases etc.. and put them away.. Then I got the biggest suitcase I could find, and neatly folded all of her golf shirts, dressy shirts, outfits from her closet and stowed them.. Then I went to her dresser, and took out all of her bras, panties, socks, tee shirts, shorts, skirts, skorts and stowed them as well... Then off to her vanity, where I started to box up all of her things there, and cleaned out her drawers that had, you know, make up buildup, her loose hair from her brushses etc.. and layed down new drawer liner paper... Her Jewlery Box, I started to remove her things there too.. INCLUDING her "ring".. There is at least $3,000 or more worth of things in that box.. Now, of to the rest of the house, where probably for years I will be tripping over little things, recipes, little notes hidden in secret places (she liked to do that) etc...

 

What will I do with it all?? I don't know. I will NOT send it to her H.. I have done enough there.. I might send her her clothes and stuff.. I am still trying to decide what to do with the diamonds.. My first thought is to have the diamonds pulled out and made into little stud earrings and send them to her for the girls.... but...

[Owl]

I'd suggest that you send everything to her, with no note or explanation at all.

 

Don't send anything to her with any kind of note.

 

Don't send anything to their kids.

 

As a former BS, I know that had OM contacted my kids in any fashion (especially after we were working on things)...I'd have been FURIOUS!!! There's no way I could imagine her H being comfortable with that. There might be some kind of extenuating circumstances around this that I don't know...but otherwise, I'd absolutely suggest that you not try to send any gifts to the kids. Even if you'd been very involved with them before, you can well imagine that her H is going to want you completely removed from ALL of their lives. Prolonging contact with you and the kids will simply add more stress all the way around.

 

Like I said, either send it all to her with no explanation, or trash it all. Don't deliver it yourself...that becomes just one more reason for contact.

 

I'd also change cell/house phone numbers at this point...you seem far to easy for her to reach out to whenever she likes.

 

Hang in there man. You're doing great...you just gotta keep moving forward!

[stampdaddy]

I'd suggest that you send everything to her, with no note or explanation at all.

 

Don't send anything to her with any kind of note.

 

Don't send anything to their kids.

 

As a former BS, I know that had OM contacted my kids in any fashion (especially after we were working on things)...I'd have been FURIOUS!!! There's no way I could imagine her H being comfortable with that. There might be some kind of extenuating circumstances around this that I don't know...but otherwise, I'd absolutely suggest that you not try to send any gifts to the kids. Even if you'd been very involved with them before, you can well imagine that her H is going to want you completely removed from ALL of their lives. Prolonging contact with you and the kids will simply add more stress all the way around.

 

Like I said, either send it all to her with no explanation, or trash it all. Don't deliver it yourself...that becomes just one more reason for contact.

 

I'd also change cell/house phone numbers at this point...you seem far to easy for her to reach out to whenever she likes.

 

Hang in there man. You're doing great...you just gotta keep moving forward!

 

I think I will just end up storing in the basement for a while, until I am ready to "trash" it all.. My first step was just to remove it from my eyesight, my EVERYDAY... I can't change numbers, they are too embedded into my work.. I can ignore though..

[LucreziaBorgia]

Take your time deciding what to do with her stuff. It can be hard to let that stuff go too soon after a person leaves (or dies - and for all intents and purposes she is dead to you now). Eventually you will reach a point where you can part with that stuff. Pick out stuff that can be donated and donate it, throw away her toiletries, undonatable stuff, etc. As for the jewelry, put that away someplace safe. You may find a use for it someday (melting down the settings and making a new piece, etc.). Or, keep the jewelry, and when you are ready ritually burn everything else. It helps for some to make that part of the grieving process.

 

Don't send anything to her children. The chances of them actually seeing any of it are nil.

[Owl]

I agree with LB...it can take time to reach the point where you can get rid of stuff like that.

 

And taking the first step in getting it all "out of eyesight" was wise. It'll get you to the point later where you can let it go.

 

On the phones...I can see how they would be really hard to change numbers if they're one that you used for business reasons as well. How about blocking her numbers (cell/work/home) from your mobile at least? And using an answering machine to "pre-screen" her calls out after normal work hours?

 

Again, just trying to spot ways that you might be able to reduce your own pain in this.

[HeatherK08]

I think I will just end up storing in the basement for a while, until I am ready to "trash" it all.. My first step was just to remove it from my eyesight, my EVERYDAY... I can't change numbers, they are too embedded into my work.. I can ignore though..

 

If it's too painful to get rid of, maybe you can send it to someone? I sent my sister my xH's things and she sent me her xBF's things, we live in different states so there's no going through them and going down memory lane.

Edited March 18, 2008 by HeatherK08
missed a word

[nadiaj2727]

Correct me if I'm wrong, weren't you the other man?

 

If so, I don't think you were carrying anything that resembled a "shield of Honor and Commitment"

 

More like The Shield of Covet Someone Elses Wife.

 

Your comments are not helpful in the least. You just want to give everyone your opinion about them. Sorry but no one really cares what you think of them... or what I think or what anyone thinks about them personally. They are just looking for helpful advice about their situation. You are not here to help him, only judge him, so what's the point? Doesn't that just drag you down instead of lifting you up?

 

Do you think you're so important that your vague, sarcastic comment on a forum is going to make the poster realize the errors of his ways and become Mr. Man of the Year? Why don't you go do something useful, like becoming a happier person who has better things to do than go around judging online strangers in an OW/ OM forum? I don't understand why you insist on stirring up negativity everywhere you go, nor why you insist on visiting sites you obviously vehemently disagree with. I'm not going to go to some Pro Life site just to tell everyone there I disagree with them. For one thing that would just make them hate me and Pro Choice people even more. For another thing, that would be a waste of my time because I don't seriously think I can change any of their minds. For another thing, a pro life forum is the last place I'd choose to spend my time because I am pro choice. Yet here you are spending time purposefully harrassing people whose choices and opinions you vehemently disagree with. What is the point of that, seriously?

[stampdaddy]

what did she say? I didnt hear her.....

[Dominique]

Hi Stamp,

 

I know you are taking one day at a time. But I just would like to know if you think you are mentally fortified to resist any manuevers from her end because eventually they will follow.

 

She will lie low for a while...and then panic. She will become nostalgic about you, and then, as happened just now, want to "make sure" you are not over her and she will come on sweet, not necessarily "strong".

 

Knowing what you know (or suspect) now, and going through what you are now having to get through, are you aware of your low-burning vunerabilities and are you prepared to react properly? Because she will strike again, and she will do so hoping to find you in a "weak" position.

 

I just wanted to know (if you at all care to share your thoughts) if you have some mental "defense" mechanisms in place....

[stampdaddy]

Hi Stamp,

 

I know you are taking one day at a time. But I just would like to know if you think you are mentally fortified to resist any manuevers from her end because eventually they will follow.

 

She will lie low for a while...and then panic. She will become nostalgic about you, and then, as happened just now, want to "make sure" you are not over her and she will come on sweet, not necessarily "strong".

 

Knowing what you know (or suspect) now, and going through what you are now having to get through, are you aware of your low-burning vunerabilities and are you prepared to react properly? Because she will strike again, and she will do so hoping to find you in a "weak" position.

 

I just wanted to know (if you at all care to share your thoughts) if you have some mental "defense" mechanisms in place....

I am not sure.. I know I am prepared to let the phone calls go to voicemail.. And I will hate to hear her voice as I worry about what it might do to me.. I will also hate to hear "panic" as you describe.. I HATE THAT ANY OF THIS HAS TO HAPPEN.. I just wish she could have done things differently, but... I have had MANY "conversations" with her (me talking out loud), and IF I happen to wind up taking one of her calls, I think I am prepared to as the following"

"Are you Divorced? NO. Are you in the process of getting Divorced? NO, then What do you want? Want do you want from me? What could I possibly do for you? If you "Love me" like you say you do, then leave me alone... Now, why did you call?????"

[nadiaj2727]

IF I happen to wind up taking one of her calls, I think I am prepared to as the following"

"Are you Divorced? NO. Are you in the process of getting Divorced? NO, then What do you want? Want do you want from me? What could I possibly do for you? If you "Love me" like you say you do, then leave me alone... Now, why did you call?????"

 

I hope you don't wind up taking one of her calls. I think your first preparation of defense should be to never ever take another one of her calls. And if you ever break that rule, don't ask if she's in the process of getting divorced. Most of the the cheating MPs who tell their OPs they're getting divorced say they're in the "process." Even if she really thinks she's in the process, doesn't mean she won't change her mind like the direction of the wind again! Only talk to her if she has official divorce papers... and even then, why would you want her? She might be running to you because staying with her husband didn't work out due to her own bad decisions.