wife having affair with boss

[bligh]

My wife is having an affair with her married boss. I know, but do not have absolute proof. Should I follow her when I suspect she is getting together with him? She does not know that I suspect anything and I do not want to tip her off.

[carhill]

What is your goal?

[blair08]

My wife is having an affair with her married boss. I know, but do not have absolute proof. Should I follow her when I suspect she is getting together with him? She does not know that I suspect anything and I do not want to tip her off.

 

 

Since you do not have absoluete proof, what is it that has made you feel she is having an affair?

[bligh]

She has not been where she says she is going. He is calling her when I am not around. She reacted violently when my son and I stopped by her work to take her to lunch. She is always telling me that he is a great guy in a lousy marriage. She is no longer having sex with me but has gone on birth control. I found a condom in her jacket. Ect.

[PandorasBox]

She has not been where she says she is going. He is calling her when I am not around. She reacted violently when my son and I stopped by her work to take her to lunch. She is always telling me that he is a great guy in a lousy marriage. She is no longer having sex with me but has gone on birth control. I found a condom in her jacket. Ect.

 

 

Wow! I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

 

What do you feel you need to do? Do you feel following her is the best thing to do? I'm assuming you are wanting to "catch" her. So you will then have more of your proof? If you do catch her, what do you feel you will do at that point?

[cranium]

She has not been where she says she is going. He is calling her when I am not around. She reacted violently when my son and I stopped by her work to take her to lunch. She is always telling me that he is a great guy in a lousy marriage. She is no longer having sex with me but has gone on birth control. I found a condom in her jacket. Ect.

 

bligh -

from your earlier threads, I'm sure her actions do not come as a surprise to you.

 

Hi everyone,

 

I haven't posted in a few months, but I need advice. I'm the guy who is my wife's (i'll call her Ella)third husband, we have a two year old son together. We have been married 3 years. After marrying her, I slowly started to find out things about her past that were alarming to say the least.

 

It turns out that virtually nothing that she told me about past relationships was the truth. First, she has had ten times more lovers in the past than she had initially told me (80+). She also had two daughters put up from adoption, both from one night stands ( One when she was 19, one when she was 29).

Group sex in High School and College. (Several guys and her).

 

This was bad enough, but then I found out that she had slept with at least 10 guys and 2 women during her brief first marriage (one year)-including 3 of his friends - including two at once while husband was at church. before packing her bag and moving in with a married man while still married to the first guy. The second guy she bore 3 children with, and had several affairs on. When the youngest was old enough to go to school, she dumped the guy, that is when I met her.

 

The problem is, I have no idea where the woman I married went. She is pretty, smart, and can be charming but is always talking about others lack of morality and decorum. The women that I thought I married would not be capable of all the things that she has done. (fact, not speculation) . I had learned to live with these past things but here is the crux- Ella has been treating me for the past year exactly how she described treating her ex husbands. Criticism for everything, no sex, (once every other month tops)

talking to me in a derogatory manner, ect. She is now traveling out of town about twice a month and I cannot get it out of my head that she is either in, or about to start an affair. I don't know what to do, and it is driving me crazy- can't sleep, eat, work suffering, ect.

 

I don't think I am being paranoid based on her past, but can't see that she has done anything yet. I'm sorry that this somewhat like my original post, but am stuck in the 9th circle of hell and can't get out of it. She refuses to talk about anything but my failings, and says that her past was "just something that I was going through" and none of my business. I would just let it reside in the past, if I didn't feel like history was repeating itself.

 

Thanks

 

She is pathological. When you suspect she is getting together with him, drive to your attorney's instead. Focus your energy on your son and your well being.

[JackJack]

She has not been where she says she is going. He is calling her when I am not around. She reacted violently when my son and I stopped by her work to take her to lunch. She is always telling me that he is a great guy in a lousy marriage. She is no longer having sex with me but has gone on birth control. I found a condom in her jacket. Ect.

 

Sounds me me like you do have some proof.

 

I say, if you do choose to follow her and find out exactly what may or may not be going on, the first thing you probably need to do, is have some kind of plan. Like, what will you do, if you find the two together. Are you planning on confronting them both. Go ahead and get a lawyer on hand. Go into this with some kind of plan, but also be prepared for anything.

[Jackson2008]

She has not been where she says she is going. He is calling her when I am not around. She reacted violently when my son and I stopped by her work to take her to lunch. She is always telling me that he is a great guy in a lousy marriage. She is no longer having sex with me but has gone on birth control. I found a condom in her jacket. Ect.

 

Once you have solid proof, expose it to his wife. You're exposing it to her for two reasons: 1) to stop the affair (there is almost no other better way to stop an affair than exposing to the other person's spouse) and 2) she has the right to know. You're enabling the affair if you don't let her know.

 

If her boss doesn't own the company, expose it to her boss's boss. You have married a troubling wife and you have to figure out if you want to work on the marriage or not. But, either way, the boss's wife has to know.

[Bryanp]

I would immediately expose this to his wife and then immediately contact a lawyer. From your previous messages and this message I think you would have to be crazy to remain in this marriage.

[LakesideDream]

Bligh, If you found out today that the new house you bought a couple of years ago was built on a toxic waste dump, where criminals had dumped radioactive materials a few times just to sweeten the sauce.....

 

How long would it take you to start packing for a move?

[carhill]

Now that's putting it in terms a man can understand LOL...

[In Like Flynn]

Expose to the Boss of the wifes boss, then his wife....if that doesn't stop then everybody else she cares about. Go Nuclear because it sounds by how you describes your wifes actions that shw is halfway out the door and won't stop unless the boss stops it.

[Curmudgeon]

She has not been where she says she is going. He is calling her when I am not around. She reacted violently when my son and I stopped by her work to take her to lunch. She is always telling me that he is a great guy in a lousy marriage. She is no longer having sex with me but has gone on birth control. I found a condom in her jacket. Ect.

 

And from an earlier thread:

 

The problem is, I have no idea where the woman I married went. She is pretty, smart, and can be charming but is always talking about others lack of morality and decorum. The women that I thought I married would not be capable of all the things that she has done.

 

Come on, Bligh. Even with the darkest of blinders you couldn't miss the realities that your face is being rubbed in by this creature you married.

 

The woman you married is the woman you have. Look at her past and her lies. Look at her history. She's a player, an accomplished actress and complete and utter trash. Unfortunately, she is also capable of spawning.

[bligh]

Thanks everyone for your advice. With her past, I felt it was just a matter of time. Even with that, the reality of it happening is something that is difficult to accept. Her boss works for the state, as does my wife. I think I will get final proof and then share it with his wife. I would also like to let his work know. I am already coming up with an exit plan, but I don't want to make it easy for either one of them. This is happening while I am trapped at home watching her children (great kids) from her previous marriage.

[Curmudgeon]

Thanks everyone for your advice. With her past, I felt it was just a matter of time. Even with that, the reality of it happening is something that is difficult to accept. Her boss works for the state, as does my wife. I think I will get final proof and then share it with his wife. I would also like to let his work know. I am already coming up with an exit plan, but I don't want to make it easy for either one of them. This is happening while I am trapped at home watching her children (great kids) from her previous marriage.

 

As a manager for my state, I know I'd be in serious trouble and could lose my job, and should, for fraternizing with anyone I supervise. i hope it's the same in yours and whatever entity he works for should be notified.

[bligh]

tonight my wife left her work email open and I took a look at her sent messages to her boss. Three of the emails from this past week could be charitabley described as "sexual flirting". I had bought her a "heart" cd this past week. She said she liked the song "magic man" . On one of her emails she told him, the day after they were traveling in his van, " Magic Man has a whole new connotation for me now...." another said that " I found today, that even though I have finished my lunch I am still ravenous. Isn't it awful when ones appetites go unfullfilled...."

 

this is on a state internal email system, so she knows she has to watch what she says. Sure looks like the smoking gun that I was looking for. What do y'all think?

[whichwayisup]

I hope you fowarded those emails to your email account or copied them.

 

Honestly, hire a PI if you want actual proof. Those emails are flirty, but doesn't prove affair. Obviously they're both aware of this.

 

Keylogger. Do you have one on your computer at home? She must have a secret email account you don't know about.

[luvstarved]

I might get thoroughly shot down for this but am going to say it anyway.

 

It sounds very possible to me that the boss she is involved with has been ensnared by her...um, personality. She sounds like a maneater, and as many a man I am sure would attest, those can get men to do what they would not normally do...

 

I am sorry to say that your W seems to have REALLY deep psychological issues. You will do well to get her out of your life. She wants to play and have fun and feed her own ego and she can certainly do all of that without you...even though having no one to be sticking it to could take some of the charm away for her. But...maybe her boss's wife will suffice for that.

 

I do agree that informing the boss's wife would probably put a stop to this particular affair. But why bother? Why make that your business?

 

You need to get the F88k away from this toxic biotch. Whatever is happening now will happen again with someone else, until she is too old or until she finally matures or whatever. You want to wait for that?

 

I would suggest just calling her on her behavior without revealing any hurt you may have...something like, I know what is going on and have lost all love and respect for you, see you in court.

 

But in any case,...get away from her. I know it must be crushing emotionally to find this out about your spouse...but better to know and repair now than to hang out until she bolts for some shiny new thing and leaves you in HER dust. It's awful...but she probably totally takes you for granted and maybe showing her that she can't just victimize people will carry her toward some maturity. If so, good for her. If not, good for you to be free of her.

[bligh]

Well, I was out today for 3 hours, and she called the boss twice. I have set a trap for her on Tuesday. I told her that I would be home late, and she asked if she could go out with friends. I will be ready with recording equitment to settle this thing once and for all.

[david65]

Bligh, I'm going through the same but am probably a few days/weeks further down the line than you. I have confronted my partner of 26 years. We're currently in the deciding what's next stage but I think it's over for us because she's still contacting him via txt.

 

If you look harder for evidence you will find it and will be devastated. I know because that's what I did. Perhaps if I had my time again I would use that energy to prepare myself for what is coming. Talk to friends, make plans, get ready for having to be strong. But the though processes I was going through at the stage you sound like you're at was denial, surely this can't be happening etc. It all panned out like a slow motion game for me, first I found the secret second mobile, then I read the txts, etc. If it's true, then finding more evidence only makes it more painful.

 

Be strong, seek support from friends, you're not alone.

[bligh]

Thank you David. I have been trying to prepare for the fallout. You're right,

I have been in denial, my heart not wanting to believe what my brain is telling me. I am a financial analyst, and my brain craves facts before deciding on a course of action. I need to know that this isn't just coincidence or harmless flirting. I know what the answer will be, but I need unequivitable proof.

 

I also want justice. As stupid as that sounds. I do not just want to be another loser ex-husband to her future lovers while she does damn well what she pleases. This is what happened with her two ex-husbands. I also want that son of a bitch to have some consequences for cheating on his wife with mine. Yes I am angry, but determined.

 

thank you, I am alone and in pain.

[JackJack]

Well, I was out today for 3 hours, and she called the boss twice. I have set a trap for her on Tuesday. I told her that I would be home late, and she asked if she could go out with friends. I will be ready with recording equitment to settle this thing once and for all.

 

Since you have recording equipment, what is your plan after all of this? How are you planning on presenting all of this to her? After you do, what its your plan from there?

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Please keep us posted as to what is happening.

[luvstarved]

bligh,

 

I do hope that as one who deals with facts and objective truth in your work, you will try to have a logical plan for how you will proceed based on your findings...I know that logic might not seem to be the operative mood but I mean to protect yourself...from impulsive actions that might hurt your case later on...

 

Please do not think of yourself as "another loser ex-husband". It is an easy trap to fall into, when people betray us or disrespect us...to think that there must be something wrong with us, we asked for it or deserved it.

 

I know how you feel, I really do. I have been on both sides of this issue. You thought the past was the past and that you had a solid relationship going...there were reasons for this to have happened before and it would not happen again because your relationship was different...

 

And now it does appear to be happening and you feel hurt and maybe even a little foolish that you didn't believe that it WOULD happen...for having thought that you were different but now seem to be just the FORMER next-shiny-new-thing for her.

 

WRONG. You did not ask for it. You put your trust in her when you had reasons not to in the first place. But you did so with an open heart.

 

SHE is the one with the problem and SHE is the loser for what it appears she is doing to you. From her past I suspect that she is probably also the one who stirred things up with her boss.

 

I know you are in pain and feel alone and I truly empathize. As previous poster said, there are others who understand what you are going through and are here to listen and support. As difficult as things feel now, in vast majority of cases this can be overcome successfully and a better life found..with a better person. Yeah there's a whole road of logistics and emotions to handle to get there...but...one step at a time and you will...

 

Best to you...

[david65]

You're not alone bligh. I thought I was 8 days ago when this all happened to me. Like you I thought if I had all the facts I could confront her and she'd see the logic of my argument that she was wrong. I spend $$$ on mobile phone spyware to record calls and get copies of mobile phone messages. I got the facts I wanted but it all evaporated into nothing because she was having an affair and was doing the bad things that ran around my head and no she didn't see the logic of my argument. because it's not logical. There is no reasoning with something so unreasonable.

 

So I was so deflated a week last Sunday when I proudly compiled all the evidence I needed. All it left me was more hurt because I now have words and images in my head that I wish I hadn't. Deep down I knew it was over before I collected this data and now that I have the data it's still over but I have more pain.

 

Finding all the evidence didn't make it stop either. She's still telling me one thing and txting him another. So it's all piling up but the conclusion is still the same. That SOB that caused this is still getting his thrill and I'm no better so there is no justice. The only long term justice is that no good will come of their affair and they will ultimately be unhappy while I will have learned to cope and will have regained some small happiness, happiness in being able to control my own life, and happiness that I still have my kids.

 

It took me almost a week to get help but boy am I glad that I did. That first reach out to my family doctor (because I needed time off work - that was another stress - I just needed some thinking time) was a lifeline. It meant I took the first step towards me being in control rather than she calling all the shots. I have now booked a counsellor and will be seeing her in 2 days.

 

My partner is still with me because she is struggling to take the last step, but I've already taken my first. If in your heart you know what's happening, you don't need more hard facts, you need to have a plan for what you're going to do about it. Don't let her make you a victim, and give you more pain.

 

Come our last day when she finally leaves me or I throw her out, I will hurt like I've never hurt before. But I'll know that I had some small control of my own part in this and that she and her cheating lover didn't take my self respect. You can take control too, tho you won't be able to control her destiny, you can control yours and your sons.

[bligh]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Even given my wife's past history I was hoping against hope that if I was only as good as husband as I can be, this time would be different. I have contacted an attorney, and I have found a place to live. I am terribly worried about the fallout for my stepkids, and am considering telling their dad what is going on. He went through something similar. My need for proof, in spite of the pain it will cause me, is driven by the fact that I will second guess myself and have no defense against any plausible lies that she will come up with.