Hansha Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 (edited) Hello, this is Ren, and I'm having some problems regarding my position in this odd teenage relationship. I found this site off of search, and I hope it may help me find a solution. I suppose it started when I first met her. It was through a friend of mine who had gotten into an intimate relationship with her. She had recently broken up with her boyfriend do to issues between them, such as verbal abuse and he simply not making her feel loved. I tried to be her friend and support her, and after she came back from a hiatus, I had this strong attraction to her. It was like love at second sight. I understand it may seem to fast to be in love like this, but I just feel this way. And she said she liked me too. I had learned that she got back with her boyfriend and ended her relationship with her 'fill-in'. I felt that I shouldn't be the 'other woman', so though I let her know I loved her and had fun spending time with her, it wasn't something someone would call cheating. I grew to love her, and settled with the fact I couldn't have her. But recently, I discovered her guy that she was with when she and her boyfriend were separated still pursued her and that she allowed it. Not only that I also found out that they were in an affair, despite her telling me that though they have feelings for each other, she wouldn't cheat. But if talking about getting married, going to the prom together, cuddling and exchanging "I love yous" doesn't constitute to cheating, I don't know what does. Up until I discovered she was thinking of all this and much more, I didn't mind her being friends with him. But afterwards, I just didn't feel obligated to restrain myself from getting more closer, beyond what best friends are allowed to do. What troubles me is, that she's in love with three people, I get jealous of her sancho, because she clearly loves him most. I love her, I really do. And she says she loves me too. But I don't get the same affection as with her sancho. It's given me nightmares and a slight case of heartache. What's more, I don't really know if it's right to be cheating on her boyfriend. I personally had tried not to get into those compromising moments when it is clearly cheating and not just being best friends. I understand her situation, and yet it kind of hurts. Do you think it's right for a person to love three people at once? Who should be supported ? What can be done to abate this sorrow from having the person you love love someone else more? Because she's it's clear now that she's cheating on her boyfriend, would it matter if I stop restraining myself and become more intimate? Edited March 15, 2008 by Hansha Title typo Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 Personally, I'd stay away from the whole mess but hope someone else has better advice .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hansha Posted March 15, 2008 Author Share Posted March 15, 2008 I'd like to stay away, but I have strong feelings for her, and without her, I'd be alone, pretty much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hansha Posted March 16, 2008 Author Share Posted March 16, 2008 I'm kind of new here, so I don't know how long I should wait before a response. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 The thing is, she needs to be alone before getting involved with you. How could you trust her 100%? Bouncing from guy to guy so to speak...Be a friend, but don't get too emotionally attached. Keep it on the straight and narrow. Don't cross the lines with her anymore. You're going to get hurt even more if you stay with her in this way... Just back off abit and detach yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 I'm confused... Are you also a female? And if so, do you know if she'd be interested in a homosexual relationship anyway? Before she ends up possibly hurting you, find out what her other options are. Is it right to be in love with three different people at the same time? I don't know about "right," but is it even possible is the bigger question here. I think anything is possible, and I know sometimes we are in love with more than one person--isn't that what most affairs are based on anyway? Being in love with your spouse and the OP? Again, if you are a female and are trying for a homosexual relationship with this girl, you first need to find out if she is interested in one as well. I think that's the most important thing you need to worry about--not if it's right to be in love with more than one person at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hansha Posted March 16, 2008 Author Share Posted March 16, 2008 Being alone before she gets involved. Well, I believed in that. That's why I held back till recently. Because, I thought she would too. But no, she's not alone before she went for the OP. And bouncing around... I think it's more like she's with the OP to fill in the gaps of her needs that her BF doesn't provide ( which is a lot). But I get your point. I wonder how I can detach... Gwy- Yes, I am a female, and she's told me that she's bi-curious. Today, I just got to the point I wanted to scream... I tried to restrain myself from speaking my mind, going on getting upset over her being with him(the sancho, the other man). I had some jealousy issues over it because I just feel that they'd be at it again when I was gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Being alone before she gets involved. Well, I believed in that. That's why I held back till recently. Because, I thought she would too. But no, she's not alone before she went for the OP. And bouncing around... I think it's more like she's with the OP to fill in the gaps of her needs that her BF doesn't provide ( which is a lot). But I get your point. I wonder how I can detach... Gwy- Yes, I am a female, and she's told me that she's bi-curious. Today, I just got to the point I wanted to scream... I tried to restrain myself from speaking my mind, going on getting upset over her being with him(the sancho, the other man). I had some jealousy issues over it because I just feel that they'd be at it again when I was gone. Bi-curious? Sweetie, she sounds confused, and you are involving too much of your time and feelings into this girl who is "bi-curious." She seems a bit too interested in men at this time so I think you really need to weigh out what's more important to you--losing sleep over this girl, or moving along. I know, easier than said and done, but I have a funny feeling she'd end up hurting you--only because she's bi-curious. That doesn't sound secure enough for me to want to risk being with a female in a homosexual relationship. The fact that you want to scream makes me wonder if you are obsessing over this girl a bit too much. You really need to relax and spend more of your time thinking about other things that are actually in your life and important to you (like school?). Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Being alone before she gets involved. Well, I believed in that. That's why I held back till recently. Because, I thought she would too. But no, she's not alone before she went for the OP. And bouncing around... I think it's more like she's with the OP to fill in the gaps of her needs that her BF doesn't provide ( which is a lot). But I get your point. But by allowing yourself to 'be' there for her is setting yourself up for a fall. She knows she can be with you at her mercy. Not malciously or anything, but selfishly! You deserve better and more, seems right now she can't offer ALL of herself to you, only bits and pieces on her terms...That shouldn't be good enough for you, so don't settle for less! I wonder how I can detach... Tell her how you feel and walk away. Exclude her from your daily life, not only physically but in your mind as well. It will take time and alot of effort on your part, and it will be painful...But, atleast by doing this, if she truly cares for you and wants to be with you, she'll figure out how to be with you in an honest way, not on the expense of someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Bi-curious? G's reply to you is right. This girl is bi-curious, that doesn't mean 'relationship'. She may be curious sexually, but not emotionally in the sense of allowing it to grow into something serious. Either way, you get hurt. Just know that upfront and be aware of that....If you are willing to take a chance on her (after she is alone and not with any guys or any other relationships) realize that she may not be into it as much as you are. Hope that makes sense.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hansha Posted March 16, 2008 Author Share Posted March 16, 2008 I understand what you are telling me about her being only bi-curious, but she's just made me feel connected to her emotionally, and it feels like she has a connection to me too. It's not a exactly a physical thing, I guess. We've never really gone into the intimate touching, or things of the sort. I know it's likely to hurt me in the end, but I don't really know what I can do to find that kind of feeling again. Obsession? Well, I guess so... I'm impulsive and irrational most of the time, so it often happens without being consciously aware. I should pay more attention to my studies, I would agree. I just find it "easier said than done" as you mention. But by allowing yourself to 'be' there for her is setting yourself up for a fall. She knows she can be with you at her mercy. Not malciously or anything, but selfishly! You deserve better and more, seems right now she can't offer ALL of herself to you, only bits and pieces on her terms...That shouldn't be good enough for you, so don't settle for less! I don't understand what you're meaning. How am I setting myself up? At her mercy? Bits and pieces are all I have, at the moment. There isn't anyone else I know who I can rely on for these things. I've never been lucky with that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 You being there for her as her safety net. Her being bi-curious. What you feel for her is deep, that is obvious and she may like you alot, but not in the same way you like her...And the fact that she is involved with someone else - She's cheating. Those bits and pieces are you clutching at straws in hope that something will come out of it later...Because she isn't a lesbian, the chances of her switching teams and having a long term relationship with you are slim to none. She may open up and have some fun with you, but again, if she isn't gay, it won't last...Which is why I think you're going to get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hansha Posted March 16, 2008 Author Share Posted March 16, 2008 (edited) So, I'm just a person she relies on when no one else can help her? I personally, don't mind that, but I guess you're right that it'll hurt me if it's something past something a best friend would do. I admit, I am hanging onto this because I don't see anyone else I can love at the moment. And things have been fine until recently because though I loved her, I didn't do anything to become more attached to her, because I things were working out that way. I mean, I stepped back and let her love her boyfriend (I hadn't known she was becoming more attracted to the sancho). What I'm saying is, I haven't clung so tightly to these little things because she was bound to her boyfriend, so when it became clear that she was cheating on him, I just lost my sense of obligation to keep a safe distance. I know it isn't right, but it just happened. I also know she isn't gonna switch sides so easily. But I just want to love and be loved. She's that special person for me. And I'd be happy if she can allow me to openly express my feelings, and get some back, if I can. Even if it's not a full fledged romantic one, just that chance is good enough for now.. Edited March 16, 2008 by Hansha Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hansha Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 Hello? No more tips? I'm trying to make the besto f what there is. Is there anything more I should be considering? Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 What's the update? Have you talked to her? I think Gwyn and WWIU have given you good input... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Hello? No more tips? I'm trying to make the besto f what there is. Is there anything more I should be considering? Bottomline, finish or fix your relationship before heading out the door to involve yourself with someone else. That is the right way to handle this...Your other option that you want to do will hurt your partner, her partner and you'll also get hurt as well. Think hard before you leap. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I admit, I am hanging onto this because I don't see anyone else I can love at the moment. You're young. Realize that just because she's the only person right now that you CAN love, it doesn't mean you HAVE to love. You don't HAVE TO be with anyone right now. You WANT to...but you don't NEED TO. There's a huge difference. For now, focus on the other important things in your life. Finish school, work on hobbies...love will find you when you stop looking for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hansha Posted March 22, 2008 Author Share Posted March 22, 2008 Mm.. I've tried talking to her. But all I know is, she doesn't know herself who she'll pick in the end. And, I've followed as much as I could with what I have already been told. I haven't bothered her with updates on whether or not she's with her sancho. I guess I should try to keep my mind off it. But I can still enjoy my time with her right? Link to post Share on other sites
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