Worse and worse

[melusine71]

I need some help. I have this immature, stupid stbxh who despite my best intentions always manages to really, really piss me off. Ever since I have stopped looking at him through those blinders of love I have really been appalled and repulsed by what I see.

He threatens me with trying to take our kids, which is a joke. He's WRITTEN that I have sole custody of them, kicked us out into the street because he couldn't handle the "pressure" of a middle class family life so he started screwing around on me. I have all this in writing. Everyone who knows him who really knows our situation, even his own parents, knows he is a total ****.

The thing is, I had surgery recently, and while I did, he came to stay with our little ones in my house. He broke stuff, installed spyware on our computer. It was a nightmare. Especially having to be confronted with this cretins cruelty while I was still spitting up blood. TO be confronted with his bs first thing when I got home made me decide that he would never stay here again. And he won't let them visit his place. I think he lives with a woman, not sure, but he's been pretty ****ing paranoid that we might drop by. And he's very easy to read these days after listening to his crap for 9 years.

 

We have partial mediation agreement that stipulates that he can come here every other weekend to visit. I'm supposed to leave. I don't want him in my house. And I admit, until the last couple of months I wanted to see him, wanted to see if we could get this thing out of the ditch.

 

After getting more bad news, I decided no, and began to catalogue what he has put me and my kids through. I sincerely wish he was dead. He's not coming here. He refuses to agree. Threatening me with court, sayin' he's gonna get me, blah blah blah.

 

Now the children need a relationship with him & I want that, but not at the cost of my own destruction or harm. what should I do?

[Mr. Lucky]

Now the children need a relationship with him & I want that, but not at the cost of my own destruction or harm. what should I do?

Speaking as a divorced parent (now remarried), what you should do is honor this:

We have partial mediation agreement that stipulates that he can come here every other weekend to visit. I'm supposed to leave.

The visitation terms are already spelled out. Absent revisiting those things in court, you're both bound by them. Having said that, doesn't mean you can't "idiotproof" the house before he comes over. If you're concerned about your PC, unplug it and take it with you. Same for any other valuables. Get a secure keyed lock on a closet door and put things in there that you don't want messed with. Plan ahead.

 

Divorces tend to generate a lot of anger. When both parties have had the benefit of some time to cool down and move on, this kind of BS usually goes away. For your kids benefit, you should probably just tough out this transition period...

 

Mr. Lucky

[melusine71]

But he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. he doesn't come to see them every other weekend, he comes when HE wants to. But I can't have the same kind of boundaries? Why is that fair? I think what happened is that when we saw that mediator I was still reeling and hoping that by having him around every other weekend we could work something out- that he would love me again, realize what he was missing.

 

Now I don't feel that way anymore. So it has become completely unrealistic. I mean, if he wants to go back to court and argue about it, that's cool. He's been ego tripping on me and the pack of tarts he has running around after him and I'm NOT taking the shaft anymore. He broke my ****ing thermostat! $179! That's not something you can lock up, ykwim? He broke some framed South American artwork I had. Some of my nice new knives are missing. I just... maybe someone with a conscience and a certain maturity level like you possess cannot understand what I'm talking about. Every time he's here the disposal gets screwed up. I can't take it!! I don't love him, he's not my kid. (Anymore) I don't want him here.

[Gunny376]

Then your going to have to go back to court and re-negoitate the visitation agreement. Just that plain and simple?

 

There's no freaking way my EXHEX is getting past my front door!

 

We all need our "space"

[Mr. Lucky]

Then your going to have to go back to court and re-negoitate the visitation agreement. Just that plain and simple?

There you go. Feeling as strongly as you do, what's keeping you from doing that?

 

Mr. Lucky

[melusine71]

Obviously we are going to have to revist our agreement, it's just I'm broke and I know he is. I called Legal Aid and they don't get involved in anything "domestic".

 

I just feel so very screwed. I have nightmares about him every night. Every time I call him and ask him to help me with the kids in some extraordinary situation (illness, surprise cost) he acts like I'm trying to see him, find out what's going on with him, stopping him from being with whatever slut du jour he's with. If I try to discuss anything with him, he just hangs up on me. It is very frustrating and the worse it gets the more wacked out I feel.

 

This man used to love me. I was pumping gas a little while ago and I had this strong memory of how he used to knock on my window just so I would roll it down so he could kiss me. It's just such a huge departure to feel like I hate him now.

 

The woman he is with is the woman he was screwing when I got pregnant with my daughter, six years ago. I feel no threat from her, he is just using her and he already dumped her for me once. Anyway, do you guys think it's possible to have post traumatic stress disorder from a relationship? This has gone down in flames like I wouldn't have believed possible a year ago.

[Gunny376]

Call Human Resources ~ and see if they can refer you to somone. Call some attorney office and see if they offer you some options. You didn't say what country your from ~ but if you did perhaps other posters could offer you some assistance/advice.

 

Its just going to require persistence on your part ~ and some brain storming to come with some ideas to cut corners ~ scrape up the coin to "get er done?"

 

Goggle "Mary Hunt" amd "Debt Proof Living" ~ its a paid website ($2.00 a month ~ $24 a year) but once you subscribe to it you'll have full access to the entire site to include back newsletters about ten years worth (you'll have a newsletter e-mailed to you each month) as well as access to financial calculators, as well as access to the fourms.

 

DPL is to finances, money problelms, budgeting what LoveShack.org is to interpersonal relationships. It has real practical solutions to not just money problems ~ but how to get by when money is tight to include:

 

Recipies

 

How to celerbrate XMAS and other holidays to include birthdays ~ when there is little or no money.

 

Shopping tips

 

How to make your own homemade cleaning solutions instead of paying serious coin for storebought. (i.e. I have a lot of stainless steel in my kitchen ~ I use to buy expensive store-bought "Stainless Steel Cleaner" at WalMart at $6 a can! I learned from DPL that ordinary rubbing alcohol at .96 a pint does a most excellent job! Makes stainless steel look like brand new ~ less and scratches? ~ Actually I don't buy a whole lot of storebought cleaners anymore ~ I buy quart jugs of ammonia, bleach, vinegar. and rubbing alcohol? If you know how to use it? That pretty much takes care of everything?)

 

Another idea I found there? Instead of buying scented candles and plug in air freshners? I went to the craft section of Walmart and got a little bitty "crock pot" not much larger than a cereal bowl made by Rival. And liquid potporrius (spelling?) Plug it in? Fill it up, when it gets down? Pour in some water?

 

Now all of this may sound "off-topic" but if you go to the site and subscribe, you'll get tons and tons of ideas on ways to cut back and save a penny here, a dime there, and and a nickle over there. Those add up!

 

If you watch after your pennies? Your dollars will take care of themselves? Eventually? You'll have the "coin" you need to take @sshat back to court ~ plus ~ as an added benefit ~ being a single mom and all ~ you'll beneift.

 

Also on the site you'll find some of her books along with some others by different authors. One of the one's that I bought was "Once A Month Cooking" by Mimi Wilson and Marth Beth Lagerborg. It necessitates just two days a month to cook for a month. One day for shopping? One full day of cooking. Bidda-bing, bidda-bang! This alone frees up hours and hours of cooking, cleaning, dishwashing, etc?

 

In so far as Post Traumatic Stress Syndrone?

 

You can experience PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrone) from anything that causes you stress? Stress is relative ~ so what's stressful to me? Isn't stressful to you? It depends upon your life experiences, your background, your childhood, your enviornment etc. There are many variables to any given person.

 

What would stress you out? And what would stress me out are two entirely different things? Me? I could handle and deal with strolling down the streets of Bagdad? You? You would be stressed?

 

But one of the very most stressful times in my Life? Was retiring from the military ~ and getting back out here in civilian la~la land! You? Piece of cake! Me? I f'ing freaked!

 

 

Took me awhile to comprehend and understand? I had been "instionalized" having gone into the Corps when I was 18 and retiring when I was 38?

 

Hang tough! Its going to get better! But you've got to want it, you're gong to have to need it! You're going to have to work for it! You're going to have to sweat for the better life that you're after!

 

You're going to have to get rid of all the lies and fallacies about how life is and is suppose to be ~ and how it is!

Edited March 17, 2008 by Gunny376

[melusine71]

Gunny,

 

You sound so much like my Dad!!! When I just read your post, it was nearly verbatim the advice he has given me, along with the finger waggin' about my budget. I really appreciate and value your advice. Especially the part about accepting life like it really is, no more BS. That's hard.

 

When he cheated on me years ago I was so blown out of the water, new Mom, fragile, hormonal... I thought about killing myself every day. It was my tiny daughter who kept me in this world. He sobbed and begged and did everything they say he was supposed to do, let me read all his email, never kept secrets from me, we went to marriage counseling, whole nine yards. We spent so much time together and eventually things improved and I relaxed and then... the rest. I have to say, I never felt the same way about him again. I always felt like I had this second rate husband while my sisters went on to marry doctors, here I was with a very unambitious guy who had totally screwed me over.

 

I thought about that like, every time I became angry with him. I didn't rub his nose in it, didn't bring it up and worked at forgiveness. I felt like it was the greatest lesson of my life. To love and forgive someone who hurt me so badly and then to realize that I really did love him. And then he did it again and all that work, all that pain and effort, it was for nothing!

 

I'll look over the financial stuff and see about finding an attorney. I moved to this one horse town though and the lawyers I have talked to never mention anything about payment plans and want $150 "consultation" fee. The town where I used to live, there was competition. When I sought legal advice a few years ago, they just wanted to get me in the office. No charge! I'll just get the phone book and call them all.

 

Dad said I would eventually find an attorney who would think my x was an SOB and who would really go after him for me. It's just another thing, I don't want my Pop to spend one cent on my divorce. I think that should rest solely on the shoulders of the ahole who caused this whole mess and yeah, I do blame him. I was not a perfect wife but I did NOT abandon my kids and **** over a woman who had proved that she loved me and would stand by and support me through thick and thin. when things started to get tough between us, I dragged him back to see our MC, I started searching MYSELF for the source of my unhappiness, joined a gym.. I asked him over and over, "What, what has changed, what is wrong?" He lied and lied and lied. Ugh... and now I really can't talk to him.