How to be a supportive friend to him?

[Uncertain123]

I posted previously about a guy I've known for 6 months. He's instructing me in a hobby activity -- there is a client relationship, but in his field romance blossoms all the time -- it's not even taboo. We spend a few hours alone together weekly, and in fact, on those days we are the first person each other sees in the morning. It's a really unique bond, on every level, and not one I've experienced before.

My prior posts describe the flirting we were doing early on, and my frustrations at his failure to make a move, including an aborted casual "date."

 

I have some updates, but first I have to fess up. There is something I didn't reveal before, because I was afraid people would focus their advice solely on this fact. I previously said he was divorced, but in reality he is separated. The separation is already a few years old -- each lives in separate homes they bought independently, each takes separate vacations, they live separate lives, spend holidays apart, etc. I've met the wife in passing and she has a boyfriend. I also assumed he had been dating. Since they interact routinely (and civilly) with respect to their child, it seemed like a clean separation without many loose ends. He nonchalantly mentioned one day that a divorce was on the horizon, so I figured it was going to be a clean break. I also assumed that he was the one who wanted out of the marriage because I knew he was the first to leave the marital home and because he initially made cracks that were down on marriage.

 

Well, in the time since my initial posts, we've reached a deeper connection, with less flirty bantering but much more substantial intimate gestures. For instance, sometimes we just hold each other's gaze and literally make eyes at each other, him flashing his eyebrows the way men do in movies and me giving him a coy smile and winking back at him. We also made a point of celebrating B-days/holidays and exchanging gifts, and we occasionally bring each other little token objects for no reason (I initiated these gestures, but he has returned them with equal enthusiasm). Oh, and we did finally have our coffee -- and he insisted on paying. (-:

 

Now back to the whole "separation" issue. I recently got the scoop from a friend who knows the W. The W said she decided after the baby was born that she didn't want to be married, and she regrets ever getting married. She explained that she didn't realize what kind of men she could attract until after she was married, and that life was too short not to be treated well. She defines "being treated well" as having a man lavish her with expensive jewelry, vacations, a nice car, etc., and she says that even men she casually dated have given her more luxurious presents than he ever gave her. The W also claims he was "lazy," which she defines as a lack of energy to go out to clubs. She said she spent years trying to drive him out of the house and that he finally left after she made it impossible for him to stay. She said all of this in the context of advising my friend never to marry and never to have children, and that men will treat you far better when you are just dating them.

 

She also said that although they've been separated for years, he has not dated and still refers to himself as married and thinks of her as his wife. She talked about this in a mocking way. She also ridiculed the fact that he has not taken the initiative to date women who have shown interest in him through the years. However, she then added that in the last few months he's made huge strides and finally acknowledged that they are divorcing.

 

If what she says is true, this explains why he hasn't asked me out. He's not ready, and although he may be starting to become more ready, it still might be really traumatic for him to find himself with another woman if some part of him is still holding on to the marriage. It probably makes sense for me to wait until a divorce is proceeding before allowing this to go any further. And I guess that means that in the meantime, I need to go on with my life and look for other partners.

 

But I guess my question is........what is the most respectful and kind thing I can do for this man? He likes being around me, and I value him personally and professionally, so bowing out of his life completely doesn't seem to be the right answer. But I also don't want to screw him up even more, or put myself at risk of becoming his rebound. On the other hand, seeing as we are already thrown together, and we have a relationship with some intimacy, what can I do to help him on a more human level? What do men need and want from the women they are emotionally connecting with, even if just platonically? Is it wrong for me to be flirting with him? If our flirty relationship is evolving so naturally, and if it seems to be giving us both something to look forward to each day, then can it still be a bad thing for one or both of us? Should I try to stop this train, or should I assume it's all under control since we have not acted on it? Any advice is greatly appreciated......honestly, I'm not so much worried about myself here....my life has been thriving lately, and if this turns out to be a disappointment for me I know I can bounce back fine -- I've recently gone through much harder romantic let-downs and I handled them fantastically well. But he has a lot on his plate, he IS in a very vulnerable state, and I really just don't want to do this man any further disservice. Thoughts???

[carhill]

If you're both unattached and such doesn't endanger a working relationship, no reason I can see for holding back, other than the signals you're getting from him (that he's not "ready". It sounds like he's emotionally/physically disconnected from his wife and she from him and they've got reasons for keeping the business end of the marriage status quo for now.

 

As far as how to validate him in a platonic way, I can help with this.

 

1. Be consistent and periodic with your interest in his life. If you say you're going to do something or call him, do it. He needs to know that he can count on you as a friend.

2. Focus on the friendship, not "flirting". Since you are aware of the friend zone and your possible place in it, just leave it that to fate and treat him like you'd treat a male friend. Enjoy the friendship. A bit of flirting is fun, but make it a rare treat.

3. Keep your options open and live a full life. He certainly would want that for you.

 

The best thing to remember is the old rule. Treat him as you'd like to be treated. If there is chemistry between you, it won't go away and, when he's ready, if you're available, the two of you can explore the romantic side of friendship.

 

I will be sharing this very advice with someone near and dear to me shortly and hope to get some quality feedback.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Thing I see is, his heart may not be ready for a 'serious' relationship. You may flirt and have fun, but something is holding him back. Until the divorce happens, he may have it in his head that 'one day they'll be back together' because of their child.

 

Also, because of their child, they will always be in eachothers lives, there won't be a clean break, ever. Yes, it can be a clean END to their marriage, but they'll always be co-parents together...

 

I would take it slow with this guy and not get too attached or involved with him.