Difficult in-laws

[Rainbow Gem]

Okay, I feel so screwed.

 

Right before I married my H I thought that his parents were the most controlling, suffocating and intrusive people I have ever know. I literally could not breathe when they were in the room.

 

After our daughter was born my FIL made some really inappropriate remarks. He wanted to take a bath with her "before she knows better" and I literally flipped. My H told me that his dad was a pedofile but I said who would say sh*t like that?

 

Since then they have paid alot (and I mean A LOT) of attention towards our daughter. They ignored our sons and I have struggled to not place my daughter in a position to be alone with him.

 

Well, it is not winning me any DIL of the year awards, but I don't care. What has bothered me more is that they don't respect me and my H allows them to do it. They have been rude to me and my FIL (and his brother) have made sexist comments to me. They do most of this sh*t when my H isn't around. And we will go for 3-4 months where everything is great and then all of a sudden they will be ticked off at me and I don't know why.

 

I had enough about 2 years ago and told them off. I used to send them pictures of the kids and invite them to their various school events, but I don't do that anymore. I have even gone so far as to not take the kids over to their house anymore after they called up my kids once to question if we really had a conflict and couldn't come over to their house for my FIL's b-day party.

 

The kids really miss them but it has given me such peace of mind. I was afraid that they were saying sh*tty things about my H and me and who knows what would go on with my daughter alone there. Friends told me that I cannot interfere with the relationship between grandkids and grandparents. That it is something beautiful and nuturing.

 

Well, what if it isn't? What if their is an obession with one child that makes the others so made that it disrupts a home? My sons used to get so mad about how they were treated differently and it did no good to tell the in-laws.

 

And my H doesn't see it that way of course. I told him that he never stood up for me. He seems to be willing to do whatever it takes to get his parents approval. It makes me so angry that I want to leave and take the kids with me. But I am afraid that with visitation and stuff my kids will spend time with his parents and I think they will screw them up like they did their son.

 

I feel stuck and wished I never married my H. Just have the kids.

[Ronni_W]

Friends told me that I cannot interfere with the relationship between grandkids and grandparents. That it is something beautiful and nuturing.

You friends' are somewhat misguided...while any relationship CAN be beautiful and nurturing, MANY are not! This one sounds like it has the potential to fall into the latter category.

 

Given the nature of your concern, my way of thinking is that it is best to protect your daughter as you see fit, and to live with the price of doing what you feel is best for her.

 

But that doesn't mean that you ought not to learn some healthier ways of communicating and coping with your in-laws. That would be in the best interest of your marriage.

 

There are a LOT of dynamics at play here, so I'd suggest consulting with a family counselor, who can offer you proper, personalized guidance and suggest ways to maintain family bonds as far as possible but without putting anyone at risk. Best of luck.

[pinkfuzz]

Given the nature of your concern, my way of thinking is that it is best to protect your daughter as you see fit, and to live with the price of doing what you feel is best for her.

 

I totally agree with Ronni_W

you are doing the right thing in putting your daughters safety above their views. I have to admit when i read that comment about having a bath i felt creeped out it sounds like "before she knows better" that he himself knew this was something inappropriate for him to do.

 

But you mention your kids miss seeing them maybe theres someway maybe with a councillor you could agree on how they could see the kids more but without them being left alone with you FIL, so you have peace of mind. Maybe so you dont have to be there as they are rude to you.

 

I do have to ask how does your husband react like when his dad makes inappropriate comments does he say or do anything?? does he support you trying to protect your daughter?

[Rainbow Gem]

I have and do go to counseling and the thing I think people forget about it is that it doesn't change the other people. Yes, I can learn different ways to cope and take care of myself and kids, but they are still going to do what they are going to do.

 

And I did my best to try and be a good DIL while protecting my kids. But I got tired of being mocked and made fun of. My H was no help. He always took their side and finally I said enough. I told him that they want pictures of the kids, here, you do it. They want to know when their games or musical events are, you tell them. They want the kids to call and say hi, you pick the phone up and dial their number.

 

And you know what? He never did it. He had no interest in maintaining the relationship with them or he would have done it. And since his work hours have increased, he has even less interest in doing it. He doesn't seem to like to call them himself.

 

My H really doesn't think that his dad is that bad. It is funny a total stranger could make a rude comment to me and my H would chase him down and beat him up but if his dad made a comment about my weight it would be "oh, that is just the way he is" or he is my dad, blah, blah, blah.

 

He says that he has talked to his dad about his focus on our daughter several times, but I don't know if I should believe him. I think he is afraid to confront his dad because I have caught him in that lie.

 

It is really hard and draining to be on guard and know that my SO won't back me up. But I would rather have her safe than have to sit in on a therapy session with her and try to explain why I didn't do a damn thing when I knew better.

[justpassingthrough]

After our daughter was born my FIL made some really inappropriate remarks. He wanted to take a bath with her "before she knows better" and I literally flipped. My H told me that his dad was a pedofile but I said who would say sh*t like that?

 

That guy is one twisted SOB.

 

You're right - you have a duty to protect your children. So does your husband. If he won't, and he won't allow you to, then perhaps you should contact the authorities.

 

Seriously. If it's not your little girl, it's someone else's.

[Ronni_W]

I have and do go to counseling...but they are still going to do what they are going to do.

And I did my best to try and be a good DIL...

You have done, and are doing, all the reasonable, "healthy and functional" things within your control. I also commend you for giving back to your husband, the responsibility of maintaining his kids' relationships with his parents.

 

Perhaps you can work with your counselor to feel totally confident and secure in your knowledge that you are being a GREAT mother. It is unfortunate that it comes with the price of appearing as if you're a "bad" daughter-in-law. But it will only look like that to those who do not know the full story.

You are, in truth, a very caring and empathetic HUMAN BEING (including DiL) -- evidence of that is that you've sought personal help and taken the time to find a solution that would have been ideal...if only your husband had done his part.

 

But. As you say, all the other players are going to do whatever they want. Because of that, it isn't necessary for you to feel guilty about the consequences of THEIR attitudes and actions. The price they have to pay for their behaviour is the lack of relationship with you and their grandkids. That is on them, not on you.

 

I am sure you're right -- it would be difficult for anyone to have to confront a parent about fears of the parent being a pedophile. But your husband does not have to do that to protect his children. He simply needs to accept the risk to them, and assist in ensuring their safety.

 

Best of luck. It is a difficult situation BUT you really are dealing with it the best way you can, with the resources and support at your disposal. I do hope that you can find great comfort in knowing that.