Is There Any Way To Break A Love Triangle?

[Shadowplays_BF]

Hello All,

 

As you may have gathered, I am Shadowplay's Boyfriend. I have never posted on this forum before, and at this time, do not intend to again. Personally I find it a bit creepy that there are thousands of people out there sitting at Starbucks, or work, or their parent's basement reading back what I said to my girlfriend and responding with "dump that zero." Most relationships are more complicated than that.

 

Just to keep things juicy, though, I think you all should search through shadowplay's threads to see whats what with our relationship. Currently we have chosen to go on a "three week break up" so that she can have a fling with my best friend Doug. Now, mind you, I am not exactly the jealous type; however, it bothers me that she is attracted to him while claiming to "love me," "be in love with me," or "want to marry me." This all started out because she saw something in Doug that she didn't see in me: emotional intensity. I have asked her many times not to see him, but she claims that she can't decide between the comfort of being with me and the excitement she imagines having a fling with him. This situation upsets me, greatly.

 

Let's begin with Doug, me, and my friendship with him. Doug is tall, thin, from a working class background. He has two jobs, one making sandwiches and another working for the town. He has no desire to go to college, yet reads a great deal, watches classic films, and is into music. He's handsome, I suppose (I don't judge those things generally), but in a Marlon Brando in "On the Waterfront" kind of way. Shadowplay has described him as "rough around the edges" and "mysterious" and she senses that he has a great deal of emotional depth. He also has his share of problems: he smokes like a chimney (I smoke too but not as much), he drinks to excess nightly, he cuts himself when he is upset, he masturbates excessively, and objectifies women. He has a great deal of trouble getting into relationships partly because he is shy and particially because he has terrible relationships with his mother. His father died when he was young, which ended up causing depression and his dead-end lifestyle now. I have been friends with him since high school and met him nearly a decade ago.

 

Doug and I both share a family background of mental illness; my mother is bipolar and father clinically depressed (un-diagnosed). His father died of a heart attack when he was young, and his mother is un-certifiably crazy. One of the common interests we shared in High School was running away from ourselves. We aided and abetted each other's perpetual escapism. Video games, records, talking about girls and Conan, anything to avoid going home. For several years I have been there for Doug; I often acted as an emotional crutch when he broke up with his first girlfriend, and when his mother has been especially difficult.

 

I am upset that Shadowplay finds Doug attractive, since he is so dangerous. I understand that sometimes women find "dangerous" men attractive, maybe a guy on a motorcycle or in a metal band or something, but to lust after someone so self destructive scares me. I am not self destructive or self defeating, though my life isn't totally together (no college degree). Still, many times I have made conscious efforts to change so that I might be more appealing to Shadowplay. I have tried to access my emotions (it's been working), give her more attention. I've even moved back to her city (I was in a LDR just 3 months ago). Does this mean that I should now change and become more self-destructive to appease her. Can she be happy with someone that is attempting to succeed, rather than opt for squalor? I love this girl so much, why must she lust after something that is so different than what I stand for?

 

I don't like how Shadowplay uses my 'niceness' to get what she wants from the 'bad boy.' Tonight was the second night that I dropped off Shadowplay at Doug's house (neither of them drive), so that they could 'hang out.' Shadowplay regularly discusses the last night's events in excruciating detail, perhaps to be honest, perhaps to cause a reaction. Last time Shadowplay and Doug hung out was after a party for a friend of mine where Doug and Shadowplay covertly went off to get stoned and make out. I really resented this because I didn't want to invite Doug, and he was really obvious about wanting Shadowplay. I shouldn't blame him, I was wrapped around Shadowplay's finger, and meekly agreed (under duress) to tell him that Shadowplay wanted him and desired to sleep with him ONCE. How messed up is that? At the time I was very intellectual about the feasibility of an 'open relationship.' As soon as it started, though, my emotions came to a boil and I demanded that both Shadowplay and Doug end it. Both said that they cared about me but were powerless to stop the attraction. Shadowplay said that there was something "wrong with her" and could not decide what she wanted and refused 'not have the experience'. She has insisted several times that she wants to "be with me" long term. Doug says he is too compulsive to stop himself, he is also too desperate for sex.

 

After all is said and done I feel as if they both don't care about me (although we all maintain open lines of communication) and are only in it for themselves. Both wield over the fact that I was the "bad boy" in a HS love triangle and this is Karmic comeuppance. Maybe I'm too nice, I am the enabler for a relationship that I loathe. Still, as each chapter plays out Shadowplay is less appealing as a girlfriend; even if her behavior is 'compulsive' I perceive it as 'insulting.' If she really cared about me, wouldn't she be able to say no to Doug?

 

The latest chapter seems to me the most bizarre; Shadowplay slept with Doug last Friday after a party I invited both of them to. Shadowplay saw me the next day to tell me what happened, confess and attempt to be honest. We haven't broken up over it, and have had sex several times this week, including in the shower today . Emotionally I am angry over it and some aspects of her personality (she is self-defeating, irresponsible, and spoiled). Today, though, we did break up...sort of. We are on a "Three week break up" so that she can see Doug. I, in the meantime, will start my pursuit of two other girls and see if anything comes of that. She has said that she definitely wants to get back together 3 weeks from now (because she doesn't want to 'date' a self destructive person like Doug). I don't know if I should take her back, but the agreement is that we will. Would anyone else take her back (she's hot, even if poisonous)? I am really considering letting them both go, but I don't want to lose either of them.

 

Also, Doug is starting to get jealous when I spend time with my own girlfriend. Two nights ago he sent me a text message saying, "I really don't want you sleeping with her." I responded with, "Who's the [bleeping] boyfriend here?" He also in conversation referred to her as "my [his] girl" just to annoy me. He expressed his condolences about the end of our relationship (which he didn't mean). Seriously, what a jerk. I wouldn't try to rub it in another guys face that I thought I was going to steal his girlfriend. Besides, he doesn't even know that she doesn't intend to see him after the end of the month anyways. Little big for his britches, I say.

 

All I can say is I hope that someone else comes along in the 02130 area code, because this situation has gotten out of control. What should I do, 'dump that zero' even if I love her. Should I sever ties with my 'friend' Doug even if I enabled the situation he is in? How can I make it so that Shadowplay is with me, Doug and I are still friends, and no one's heart is broken? Right now it's not looking good though; I foresee A) Shadowplay leaving me for Doug thus ending my friendship with him. B) Shadowplay leaving Doug for me in three weeks, thus ending my friendship with him. C) Shadowplay leaving Doug and me saying that I don't a relationship with her, thus forcing her back to Doug. I don't know what would happen to me and Doug then. D) Doug is the big man and says, "I can't date you since you are my best friends girlfriend." This is the least likely of all, but the one which I hope for the most. E) All of the above.

 

At this point I'm rambling and pounding my head on the keyboard. I don't know what is going to happen but I don't want to lose wither Doug or Shadowplay. What do I do?

 

-Shadowplays_BF [ex-bf]

 

P.S. Pos[t]ers please tell Shadowplay that I am a 'nice guy' and that I don't deserve this. She'll love a barrage of opinion in my support.

 

P.P.S. According to Shadowplay I am far far better than Doug in bed and he is incapable of orgasming inside a woman. Doesn't libido count for anything?

Edited March 16, 2008 by Shadowplays_BF

[Trialbyfire]

I'm going to take this at face value and assume you're not shadowplay.

 

What you need is a good injection of self-respect. No one deserves the treatment you're receiving, from shadowplay and wanna-be Marlon.

 

Do yourself a favour and walk without looking backwards. Dump that arsehole of a friend. Stop being a doormat.

[Star Gazer]

Do yourself a favour and walk without looking backwards.

 

I agree. Run from both! (Sorry, Shadow.)

 

P.S. Not to be mean, but Doug must be REALLY bad in bed if you're supposed to be better than him given what she's said about you here.

[Little Shy]

I can't believe you posted this thread...did she encourage you to do so? That would be typicaly strange, and to complete this horrendous triangle doomed for disaster, I think Doug should post his thoughts, that is when he is done banging your girlfriend.

Many people, as you mentioned, have read your girlfriends threads for weeks. Many, many, many people discouraged her to NOT go through with this fantasy/relationship with your friend, including myself. Lord knows why you approved this, obviously you felt like it was beyond your control anyway, so might as well let her have a go with him in a vain attempt to hold on to her, by giving her what she wanted...Letting her bang your best friend, the ultimate sacrifice. I don't know if you deserve a humanitarian award or a really experienced shrink.

Good luck holding on to either of these people in your life after this. I don't think she's much of a girlfriend, and he is beyond a ****ty friend.

Sorry to sound so harsh, and good luck, you seem like you deserve a heck of a lot more out of your loves, friendships, & life.

[Citizen Erased]

If this is indeed true, I must say the situation is ridiculous and you two are far better off as far away from each other as possible. If your relationship was meant to be, she wouldn't be off with your "friend" for the next three weeks, and you wouldn't be toying with two girls to see if they work out just in case SP breaks it off with you.

 

Get the hell away from each other would be my advice.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I can't beleive that you are posting - this is like "Days of our lives". I think that you should get as far away from both of them as possible.

 

The way I see it, if "Doug" and Shadowplay actually start dating their relationship can end in nothing but disaster as they are both highly unstable people. But what's more likely to happen is that Shadowplay will continue to string you along, you might have a few good days together here and there until her need for drama causes her to crave "Doug" again, and you are left destroyed time after time. It's like all three of you are sitting in a car that's speeding along towards the brick wall. The only way for you to save yourself is to get out of the car.

[garnet]

Shadowplay's Boyfriend,

 

I have followed all of SP's threads about you, and I have to say I'm completely stunned by the total lack of self-respect you are showing for yourself in this situation. I don't want to sound mean, but you are contributing to your own pain by letting Shadowplay and Sean/Doug walk all over you, repeatedly. It's hard to believe that anyone would accept this type of treatment, so much so that I've wondered on occasion if this situation is even real.

 

I've said this before in her threads and I'll say it again: this is not love. This is a sick, co-dependent relationship. You cannot have a loving, healthy relationship without mutual respect. And this situation is as far from mutual respect as you can get.

 

Please, please, please start acting like a man, tell yourself and them that you deserve better (anyone does!) and kick those two to the curb. Until the day comes when you refuse to be a party to such a situation as this, you will not find real love. And when you do, I guarantee you it won't be with Shadowplay.

 

You deserve better, and someday you'll realize it. Until you do, this turmoil is going to go on and on.

[Nevermind]

May I ask one question?

 

What is it about shadowplay that makes you endure all this?

[BUENG1]

I don't see why you think that you will be treated any differently in 3 weeks if you get back together, other than she says that thats the way its going to be. And other than that the fact your 2 friends ask(demand?) you to drive them places, so they can "hang out" despite your obvious hurt feelings(opting for convenience instead of trying to spare you feelings at all), speaks about whether they care for you or not. Neither have really been a good friend or gf, and prolly wouldn't in the future.

Edited March 16, 2008 by BUENG1

[AussieJack]

NOt one of the three of you have the faintest idea of what an adult relationship should look like...

 

You are a "cuckold" - a most despised figure in literature.

[mmy22bys]

i feel bad. i found out about my husband having an affair. he acted like it was no big deal. he was actually intimate with both of us, without either of us knowing.

 

i wouldnt go back to her.

[shadowplay]

For what it's worth, it IS him. Either that or I'm even more of a psycho than you guys thought.

 

Most of what he says is very accurate, aside from a few minor details. I asked him to drop me off at a train station, not Sean's house, but he insisted to prove a point. Also, about the sex thing. Our sex life wasn't so good about a month ago but has ironically blossomed amid the chaos. He can verify this. I guess drama breeds lust if nothing else.

 

Yes, I've treated him terribly, and if I were an objective observer I would advice him to "dump the b!tch" as well. But from my perspective I hope he gives me another chance to prove that I do care about him and I won't see Sean again. I haven't made many sacrifices in this relationship, and I want to now.

 

The reason for our difference in opinion is I know something about myself that nobody else can see or would have any reason to believe. And that is that 1) I do love him a great deal and 2) that I have the strength to make sacrifices when something is really important to me, because I have in the past. Somehow I deluded myself into believing that I wouldn't lose him even if I did what I did. Now I see how willfully blind I was.

 

He has expressed the desire to go on dates with two other girls. At first I was against the idea because, even though it is fair, I thought it would destroy any remaining hope we had. I've changed my mind. I'm willing to make that sacrifice because I want to prove to him that I do love him.

 

I saw Sean last night (we didn't have sex), and it dawned on me that I really don't care about him and how much I missed my bf/ex-bf. All of Sean's positive traits are surface glitter. I was seduced by a mirage of my own making, because I wanted to play out some ridiculous fantasy and avoid a real relationship.

 

I guess we'll just see what happens.

[Shadowplays_BF]

Today Shadowplay said that she would break things off with Doug (Sean) and not see him again. She claimed that they hugged and kissed all last night but didn't have sex. She said that she missed me the whole time she was with him. I was surprised that she decided this, and didn't know if my post caused her to re-evaluate. To be honest, I was thinking that a 3-week break up would ease the animosity I feel towards her and maybe allow us to begin with a clean slate. I also planned to have a couple other dates to see if how she was treating me was 'normal' or if I was getting a raw deal.

 

When I told her that I wanted to maintain the 3-week break up so that I could go on some casual dates (non-sexual, I'm serious) she panicked. I just want some new conversations and experiences, and since she can do it, why can't I? She says that dates with other girls will screw up our relationship, but she didn't seem concerned about that when seeing Doug.

 

Some of you have asked why I stay with Shadowplay. She is intelligent, talented, artistic, caring, loving, cultured and beautiful. Girls like her don't come along every day, or at least not to me.

 

I don't really blame Doug for going along with this. Shadowplay has been very careful to have me promise to not say this or that, things that would encourage Doug to like her. As a result of my word meaning something he got the impression that I gut emotion was against the relationship, but that I wouldn't stand in their way. When their fling began I started to disregard the agreements that she made with me and began telling Doug the truth; that I wasn't comfortable with it, that I was still having sex with her, and that she was lying to him about wanting to be his girlfriend. If she thinks I am good enough to act as a liaison between her and her "dreamboat" she's got something else coming.

 

Anyway, how it stands is that Shadowplay and I are together, she will relinquish Doug and I will get to have a few casual dates with other girls, just to keep things even.

 

So, some might say, I won!

 

-Shadowplays_BF

[Trialbyfire]

Come on shadowplay. Fess up.

[shadowplay]

Come on shadowplay. Fess up.

 

It's not me! I swear!

[Trialbyfire]

It's not me! I swear!

He writes just like you.

 

Methinks this is either some kind of screenplay or the two of you watch too much drama.

[Uncertain123]

Wow -- what are the odds that 2 people would post simultaneously about each other!! Wild.

[Nevermind]

Uhm. Nuh.

 

I just don't buy it, shadowplay. That you are really sorry. Just doesn't feel like it. You're bored by Sean/Doug. But for the rest? I doubt your sincerity.

 

 

Boyfriend: Okay, I know the whole list of positive things about shadowplay: but what does she give you? What is it about her that makes you feel so great that cannot bear to lose her? Or is she such a catch that you simply don't want to miss out on such a trophy?

 

I don't really blame Doug for going along with this.

Well, you should. He is an adult. Why is he not to blame? All of you are so "this and this happened and that's why none of this is actually any of my business, I am just here for the show". Why?

 

Anyway, how it stands is that Shadowplay and I are together, she will relinquish Doug and I will get to have a few casual dates with other girls, just to keep things even.

Even in the game. If you're all just playing, go on, keep playing. But don't fool yourselves or anybody else. You're in this, because you want to be. And every post about how sad it all is, is just whining. You chose. All of you.

[Star Gazer]

Girls like her don't come along every day, or at least not to me.

 

Ain't that the truth...but not in a good way.

 

Come on shadowplay. Fess up.

 

It's not me! I swear!

 

Seriously, Shadow? It HAS to be you. NO ONE would allow themselves to be treated the way you've treated him and then post on LS and act as as calm and as though "he" has "won."

[Star Gazer]

He writes just like you.

 

Methinks this is either some kind of screenplay or the two of you watch too much drama.

 

He does. Exactly like you, Shadow.

 

You've posted his letters to you in the past... and he writes MUCH differently than "he" is writing now.

[shadowplay]

Ain't that the truth...but not in a good way.

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, Shadow? It HAS to be you. NO ONE would allow themselves to be treated the way you've treated him and then post on LS and act as as calm and as though "he" has "won."

 

It's NOT. I swear. Remember when I warned you in the other thread that he would post and you told me to make sure I mentioned it wasn't me? He's calm and collected because that's the way he always acts in the face of stress.

 

I figured you guys would dismiss him as a troll.

 

Consider this. If it really is him, how could he possibly prove that?

Edited March 16, 2008 by shadowplay

[Shadowplays_BF]

I must say, internet strangers, that I am flattered that you think my emails to Shadowplay were better written than the post you just read. I guess I was off my game. I will confess that there is some politicking between her and I, and showing my side of the story on LS is a way for me to fight for a fair and equitable relationship. This way we both wield the power of the pen... I mean internet forum community.

 

I know most of you people are loving it; eating popcorn and clicking refresh every two minutes while watch 'Lifetime' and wait for your life to drift by; I just posted to see if, in fact, she was wrong for doing this to me. Thanks for the support, even if I am a doormat.

 

-Shadowplays_BF

[Kamille]

I know most of you people are loving it; eating popcorn and clicking refresh every two minutes while watch 'Lifetime' and wait for your life to drift by;

 

 

But since Shadow is part of this community, aren't you dissing her at the same time you are dissing us?

 

As for the love triangle, it took the thought of losing you for Shadow to realize that she really wanted you.

 

I can't judge since I did pretty much the same thing. (She knows).

 

But you sound like you overintellectualize a lot. I should know. I write journal articles in between clicking the refresh button.

[blind_otter]

Personally I would not be able to be with a man who allowed me to **** someone else, with his tacit permission. I couldn't respect him after that. I would be disgusted.

[shadowplay]

I must say, internet strangers, that I am flattered that you think my emails to Shadowplay were better written than the post you just read. I guess I was off my game. I will confess that there is some politicking between her and I, and showing my side of the story on LS is a way for me to fight for a fair and equitable relationship. This way we both wield the power of the pen... I mean internet forum community.

 

I know most of you people are loving it; eating popcorn and clicking refresh every two minutes while watch 'Lifetime' and wait for your life to drift by; I just posted to see if, in fact, she was wrong for doing this to me. Thanks for the support, even if I am a doormat.

 

-Shadowplays_BF

 

See, I would never make a grammatical mistake like that. Sorry, M.