A rant about an ex and my current girlfriend

[loveratud]

Ok, so I'm dating this girl "Donna" for about a year a half, with a 6 month break last year when she left me for her ex. I went hardcore NC, dated lots of new people, and was totally fine and over it. Then she came back, we talked, we're back together for the last 8 months. She goes to college with me, going on to grad school, wants a career in academia.

 

Now there's this other girl, "Conney" that I dated for about a month when I was broken up with Donna. Conney is the bad girl, the one who gets in fights, did drugs in high school, didn't go to college, works at a restaurant, etc.

 

Physically, they're very similar. Both very cute, short hair, thin, brunettes. Conney is a little shorter.

 

When we were dating, there was this guy that she hardly ever mentioned, but who clearly meant a lot to her (according to friends, her myspace, etc,) who was a soldier stationed in South Korea. But her and I had a great time together, and I liked her a lot.

 

But then Donna crash landed in my life again, and we got back together. Shortly thereafter (2 months or so) Conney married the soldier from South Korea. Shortly after that, he deployed to Iraq.

 

Now I took all of this to mean that Conney and I were no longer on any sort of romantic playing field. I had Donna, she had her husband. As a result, I didn't see any problem in us hanging out and chatting, grabbing a bite to eat, or whatever. We were (are) really good friends who make each other laugh and give each other advice about our relationships.

 

Ok, so there's the background. Let's start the story:

One night I went out and ate with Conney while Donna was in class. Just some burgers or something, and we would usually hang out every wednesday afternoon because it was convenient to our schedules, and Donna was in class, so I didn't have anything else to do. Well this time, when I came home, Donna asked me what I'd been doing, with who, etc. And being the straight shooter that I am, I just told her. She was not happy. She didn't think that I should be hanging out with Donna, felt that it was totally inappropriate to hang out with an ex, etc. Nothing much really came of it, other than me deciding not to tell her anymore when I hung out with Conney.

 

So fast forward several months, one night I had gone out to eat and then for some drinks with Conney, and come home a little sauced. She asked me who I was out with, and feeling guilty, I told her Conney. She was not happy. This basically culminated in me saying I wouldn't see Conney anymore if she didn't want me to. She said that I shouldn't want to see her.

 

Anyway, I discussed the entire situation with Conney, and neither of us could really see where Donna was coming from. She knew Conney was married, and that I had, at one point in time, chosen her over Conney.

 

So I continued to hang out with Conney on Wednesdays. And then one Thursday I went and grabbed dinner, and then saw a movie, The Signal with Conney. It's a horror/zombie kind of movie, and I had asked Donna to see it with me and she wouldn't, so whatever. After the movie, Conney insists that we go to a bar (we'd been drinking through dinner and the movie.) Also, throughout the night, Conney had left her phone at home, and had been using mine to text her husband in Iraq. No big deal, she hung onto my phone for me.

 

Well we're at the bar, I'm pretty drunk, when Conney goes, "What would Donna say if she knew you were hanging out with me?" And I said, "You know she would be pissed." And then she goes, "Well, I just sent her a text message saying 'What would you say if I told you I was hanging out with Conney?'" From my phone. This was instant SHTF (**** hit the fan.) Donna flipped out. It took me about 24 hours, lots of phone calls and one 4 hour talk to get everything straightened out. She was really ready to break up over it. She felt like we were mocking her. But I got that all taken care of.

 

Donna brought it to my attention that she had called me something like 7 times that night, and apparently Conney had been ignoring her calls! Couple that with Conney randomly deciding to send a text message that she knew would screw me over, I'm left baffled. Conney had always seemed like the cool, logical, level headed kind of girl that thought a lot like I do. And it turns out she's as crazy as Donna.

 

Several days later Conney texted me asking me to go to lunch, like everything was cool. I told her I couldn't hang out with her anymore. Then a couple days later was her birthday. I told her I couldn't come. She got angry and I told her it was her own fault, and that at this point I was having to choose between being friends with her or keeping my girlfriend.

 

None of it makes any sense to me. I wasn't trying to play anyone, or cheat. I was just trying to hang out with one of my good friends, who could always offer me good advice, and that I actually had time to see (due to my 18hr class schedule and 20 hour work schedule, I have very few windows of available time.) I can't rationalize Conney's behavior. I can SORT OF rationalize Donna's behavior.

 

Thoughts? Anyone want to call me names?

[sb129]

Bottom line is- you have broken your GFs trust by repeatedly lying to her.

 

Donna asked me what I'd been doing, with who, etc. And being the straight shooter that I am, I just told her. She was not happy. She didn't think that I should be hanging out with Donna, felt that it was totally inappropriate to hang out with an ex, etc. Nothing much really came of it, other than me deciding not to tell her anymore when I hung out with Conney.

She was honest with you and said that she wasn't happy with you hanging out with your ex, which isn't that unreasonable. And, being the "straight shooter" that you are, instead of talking to her about it more, or respecting her wishes, you decided to continue to see Conney, but to lie about it.

 

This basically culminated in me saying I wouldn't see Conney anymore if she didn't want me to. She said that I shouldn't want to see her.

 

Then the next thing you did was discuss it with your ex! "straight shooter"?? Whatever.

 

 

Whos feelings are more important here? Your current GF or your exes?

 

Who cares why Conney acted the way she did- you know why your GF acted the way she did, and I think she is perfectly justified in doing so after you have lied to her on numerous occasions. You have disregarded her feelings.

 

I would probably break up with you over this.

[loveratud]

I think part of what makes this so confusing is the fact that it wasn't an easy choice, deciding between keeping my girlfriend and staying friends with my ex. I was really close to just saying, "if that's how you feel, then I guess that's it." I don't like setting the precedent of allowing her to decide who I can be friends with.

[InsanityImpaired]

I think TC described the original fight with Donna over Conney a bit short-hand. I would not be surprised it was a huge emotionally draining fight. The kind of fights you don't want to have. I think the lie simply was a self-defense mechanism.

 

This basically culminated in me saying I wouldn't see Conney anymore if she didn't want me to. She said that I shouldn't want to see her.

How would she feel if you insisted she never takes an opportunity to hang out with any male in school? But that is "unreasonable"?

 

Implicit in the whole thing is that your gf does not trust your judgment and / or is the jealous type. Both red flags the size of China.

 

There must be more to the story. Donna left you for a while to try and sort things out with an ex. She did take second prize (great! ) and now insists you are not allowed to hang out with an ex, while she apparently was justified in rekindling things with an ex.

 

As for Conney, I don't think her behavior can be justiified. I do think you have depended a bit too much on her (but that is a guess), so she knows the inns and outs of your relationship. The booze may simply have given rise to an illumination.

 

I'd say break up with Donna. It is the best in the long run.

[lovelorcet]

What were did you expect? This is all your own fault, if you want to play with fire be prepared that you are going to get burned.

 

I mean things could play out like this...

 

Your gf kicks your ass to the curb for being a liar, which she should and then you are single again. So now that you are single you hook up with your MW who also kicks your ass to the curb when her husband gets home from Iraq. Now her husband is back with a touch of PTSD and finds out what you did to his wife and either beats your ass into an ICU or just shoots you in the head.

 

Sounds like fun man...

[Kamille]

While I see your point about being able to chose your friend, I really don't see where you get off calling your gf (Donna) crazy. Buddy, you lied to her. For months.

 

Why couldn't you find a compromise at the time when your GF first brought up the fact she didn't like you hanging out with Conney?

[dreamergrl]

I'm curious... Did Conney's husband know about the two of you hanging out, and what was his feelings on this matter?

[loveratud]

I'm curious... Did Conney's husband know about the two of you hanging out, and what was his feelings on this matter?

 

Yes. He had no problems initially, but complained that she stayed out too late with me, drank too much, and broke promises to him.

 

In retrospect, the ironing is delicious.

[loveratud]

While I see your point about being able to chose your friend, I really don't see where you get off calling your gf (Donna) crazy. Buddy, you lied to her. For months.

 

Why couldn't you find a compromise at the time when your GF first brought up the fact she didn't like you hanging out with Conney?

 

Because there was no compromising to be done. I tried every which way to explain it to her, and she wasn't having it.