Stuff

[bluepoppy]

Over a year ago - I had a row with my bf. He was out ice climbing, and called me from the car park to let me know he was back safe. It wasn't a good call, he was distracted and also chatting with some girls he'd met climbing. I turned it into a joke about it being bad form to call your girlfriend whilst flirting with other girls. Their climb was posted on youtube in some film taken by someone else they met on the mountain, and in that climb I could just hear my bf chatting away with these girls - so much so that the leader shouted down 6 times to get him to pay attension with the safety.

 

BF and I had words. Mainly although I understand he's flirty and not going to do anything with anyone else - that I don't appreciate it being thrown in my face. It was quite an arguement at the time.

 

Year later - we're on a climbing trip and this girl has booked on. She's nice enough - but I feel that my bf gave her more attension that I would have liked. There were four things that made me uncomfortable.

 

1) There were days when people weren't partnered up as we were odd numbers. The first of these we took a friend of mine out. The second one, it became clear that this girl didn't have a partner so he asked her. But the way he did it - was he asked her to ask me and have her ask me if I was ok with it. The way she asked me was - "A has asked me to climb with you guys but I should check with you first". Later as we were talking he implied it was all her idea. It annoys me he didn't just talk to me

 

2) Later in week I was planned a climb with her (it's normal on these trips to climb with different people) and before she went to bed I asked her to bring certain things in the morning. Bf disappeared for a while, and when he came back he mentioned that she didn't have this piece of kit. I said oh that's where you were, I did look for you. He was quickly defensive saying he'd gone over to the other apartment (the group was in two) to talk to one of the guys there.

 

3) The last morning with the packing - he'd disappeared for ages, I did find him, in the drying room with her - chatting. I did feel jealous - it had been such a busy week I don't think I got a whole 20 minutes just us chatting without people around. As we left he make some comment to her that would get a reaction of kind (to get a flirty slap) He saw the look I gave him for that.

 

I didn't do anything during the trip - instead, I went for being nice. On the day my b/f did a training course, I made a nice meal for the group. I bought him some decent beers at one point and took his best mate out (who has never climbed before) on a route whilst b/f did the training. Just went for being nice.

 

4) the other thing that bothered me is that he laughed at things with her that if I had done it he would have got angry - like making comments when he smoked about how stinky it is.

 

So the questions are

 

Am I completely paranoid ?

 

Do I even mention it, or do I just carry on being nice ? I want to be someone who is fun to be around, so will tend to avoid confrontation if I can.

 

In terms of my view - I thought she was quite demanding of attension. She did tell me that she thought we were a lovely couple. She also said that she found my b/f fascinating as she'd never met anyone like him before. She also thought my b/f's friend was cute.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I'd find a new hobby for the 2 of you something that doesn't evolve any other people ever tried chess? lol

 

Yes I think your over reacting its not like you found the two of them in a lip lock or anything did you?

 

And the girl even said she thinks your bfs friend is cute she prob wouldn't have said that if she was solely focused on getting your bf.

 

I also think if you don't relax a little more and quit the jealous behavior nasty stares and so on you will lose him.

[avaantgaarde]

I must say that I would be jealous as well. But, you have identified his flirty nature, so I wouldn't be too devastated by this. He could just be a friendly guy, totally oblivious to the possibility that what he's doing could be wrong. The fact that he does do this so openly and in front of you could further suggest he sees nothing wrong with this- because he is just talking, gender is perhaps irrelevant, and he's confident in your relationship, believing that you know he'd never really do anything. So, given his personality I wouldn't be too worried, but it is very understandable to be bothered by the things you describe (though keep in mind this is coming from someone currently trying to curb irrational jealousy heh). If you do mention it, you fear he will feel attacked for no good reason, possibly get defensive, resent you and claim it's just his friendly nature, feel guilty, etc. But, perhaps he may be able to better explain his thought processes to you, his feelings of love towards you (reassuring you of his disinterest in any romantic relationship with other women), become more sensitive to the fact that it bothers you and tone it down or at least not flaunt it in your face, etc. If you don't mention it, he won't know it bothers you and things will stay the same, it's likely to keep occurring with different women and keep eating at you (on the other hand perhaps w/o confrontation eventually you'll just accept this trait about him and get used to it, secure about yourself and your relationship). I think there must be some sort of casual way to allude to it and not make it a huge deal. Also, there can be some compromise- make sure he knows you don't expect nor want him to stop talking to women all together and you want things to remain fun and light when out with them, but you also would like him to be a bit more considerate of your feelings. As for the last point (4), most people won't react the same with someone they've just met compared with their long time girlfriend- it would be socially awkward to act angry towards her for such comments, he's probably just giving his polite non-confrontational reaction. I wouldn't take that one too much to heart. I don't know, just some thoughts... Hope you work this out!

[bluepoppy]

Thanks for the supportive words

 

Yes - I do have a tendancy to be over-sensetive - and know that I have to deal with these things calmly, rationally, not blowing things out of proportion etc. But if I don't mention it then it can fester. I think there is fine line of when to keep quite about your stuff and when to open up.

 

He knows something was up - I mentioned something on the phone the other night - regarding her (can't remember what) but a text or something she sent me - and he was surprised - 'oh you're friends with S now' - 'well we've exchanged numbers', silence, 'is that a problem?' 'No, No'. More silence- then change of subject.

 

I think cos we were so busy that week, that there wasn't that much time for us, - well then things become a problem for me. I'll figure out a way to get this through to him, so that we do make some time for each other when we are so busy.