ineedhelp Posted July 9, 2003 Share Posted July 9, 2003 OK here is my situation. I am 33 and the man i am very interested in is 32. We have known each other for almost 4 months. We talk daily online for hours at a time and have spent time together offline. We have discussed everything imaginable to discuss and have very deep and sincere conversations.We have both eluded to the fact that we are very comfortable with each and that we like each. We send emails, write each other poems, along with our daily conversations. Well the other night we were discussing what we look for in a partner. I told him, he told me and as we were saying our good nights and sweet dreams later that night, I asked him if I could say something before he left and he said yes. Well at first I had second thoughts and told him nevermind and he said "I am listening...just tell me". I had a feeling that he knew what i was going to say. But I told him that I could love him like that...he responded the same way. And then he made the comment...now we finally know how each of us really feels about the other. Well now he has told me that he is not ready for a relationship. we still talk daily and see each other, but he has me totally confused right now. We have not had sexual contact..but have hugged and kissed. So what could be going on? Any advice on how to find out would be appreciated...thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Jtizzle Posted July 9, 2003 Share Posted July 9, 2003 even though he tells you he likes you...he might be fearing the need to committ so soon...he maybe havin second thoughts about telling you that he could love u like that and u too in return to him...ive been there girl and i see what ur saying...personally u should just give him time to sort it out...he may have been done wrong by another girl and that still haunts him or so...just be patient and if its meant for you two to be together then you will be... how bout you ask him of his past gf's and learn from their mistakes...ask him what went well...what didnt..why they broke up..then when the time is right..ask him why does he feel hes not ready for a relationship...ask..is it you or him? im sure u will find ur answer somewhere in those questions..you just have to be all eyes and ears.. Link to post Share on other sites
ineedhelp Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 Thank you jtizzle for your reply. I forgot to mention that he is trying to get custody of his daughter, and has been telling me for some time that when the custdy thing is over things would be different...he could give of himself completely to me. Well the date is just a week away and the fight has turned very nasty...the mother has said that no other woman would be around her child and that she would kill her(the other woman) first. He also let it be known that she had pulled a knife on him the other day when he went to pick up his daughter from her mother's. He said that he didn't want anyone to get hurt because of him. He says also that he has very deep feelings for me, but he is not ready for a relationship. I am wondering if the mother's threats may have something to do with this turnaround. He still talks to me the way he was before...nothing has changed there. I am afraid of talking to him more about it right now...i don't want to scare or push him away. I want to be with this man but i also want to know the truth behind what is going on right now. So what should I do...should I get him to talk to me and find out what is going on in his mind. I know he is very stressed over this thing...and has said that he is making very bad decisions and that he doesn't know which end is up anymore. What can I do to help him, to let him know that i truly care for him, and i will be there for him? I have told him this and he says it means alot coming from me. So what do ya'll think? Any advice as to how I should handle this. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Jtizzle Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 The getting custody of his daughter is PLAYING a big role in why he is not ready to committ....asking how he feels about the whole situation wont make u seem pushy..it will show him that u SINCERELY care about him and what happens in his life.. remember to never give ur advice on what he should do regarding this situation (unless he ask for it)...but just be there to listen. Far as his babymama is concerned she doesnt want to accept the fact that if he gets custody of his child that the other woman (being you) will try to take her place as a mother. and far as her saying she would KILL another woman if it came to that, may also play a role in why hes not ready for a relationship for 2 reasons.. 1) he may be trying to protect you from harm and the stress she is causing. and 2)..he may think that if he gave hisself to you fully that you may do the same thing as his childs mother has done.. Dont worry girl number 2 happens to the best of us ladies take it from me..ive been in every situation a woman can be put in and im only 16... the only thing i can recommend for ur relationship is to give him UNCONDITIONAL love and be hand that catches him when he falls..and when i say UNCONDITONAL love i mean not the fake love where u have it set in your mind that you will love him UNLESS he cheats or steals from you, but FORGIVING love where you can forgive him for ANYTHING that he does..whether it be in good or bad intentions... like i said...just talk to him and find out whats on his mind..remember be all eyes and ears Link to post Share on other sites
ineedhelp Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 Thanks again jtizzle for your reply. I have talked to him and he says he cannot ask me to put my life on hold for him to resolve his problems. I told him well what if I do, and he said he just couldn't ask me to do that. He knows how I feel, and he says he feels the same. I do not want to give up that easily...I love this man like I have loved no other and I want to be with him. I don't want no other man and he has said he wants no other woman...we only want each other. So what should I do now? Am I being selfish? Should I just wait around or just move on ...and chalk it up to "it wasn't meant to be "? Any advice or replies would be greatly appreciated...thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
yagottahelp Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 What do you want to do??????? You'll know awfully quick I think if this was a line or not, I know a ton of people are going to post and say to move on, forget it, he's not worth it, but the truth is, people can tell you to move on, you won't do it till you're ready anyway. You need to do what's good with you, if you're happy with waiting and aren't depressed, maybe a little sad now adn then, but go day to day laughing and having a good time in life, wait a little bit, if it's tearing you apart and you'll need therapy the rest of your life for it. It's not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
BrandyMay Posted July 20, 2003 Share Posted July 20, 2003 This is one of those times where you put yourself out there and get hurt. Luckily, he feel the same way! Depending on his past, he may not be ready for a new, serious relatioship or is just scared of committment period! The choice is yours! He is not the only man out there and all he is telling you is that he has feelings for you, but is not ready for a relationship! Don't get sucked into the trap! he is creating a one-ended realtionship where you give and get nothing in return. If he is a nice guy stay friend, go out have a good time, show him yuor life does not revolve around him loving you. When you show someone you are happy that is very attracive. You will find him drawn to and ready to claim him as his own. You'll get what you want- just have to take the long way! Remember, you can't make someone do anything they dont' want- and don't try! A relationship will only work if both parties and ready and committed! Link to post Share on other sites
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