Played Om seven years - paying now

[Cagney]

We were in an affair for seven years and all along she promised that se will eventually get free. She didn't have the courage to have a sit down with her husband but instead she figured he would eventually leave her.

 

Still she promised several times along the way that she would ask him for a divorce. She would make these promises whenever she sensed that I was getting strong enough to leave her.

 

Our times together we intense and romantic. We never argued, with the exception of when I would try to communicate my pain and sadness over having her only part time.

 

I never knew what a cake eater is until I started on this forum. And I can say that until recently, I figured she was a cake eater but she at least loved me. She frequently assured me of her love, that I was the only one who held her heart - all sorts of other promises and sweet talk that really kept me in the whole affair. It was sweet and intense. The best sex I've had in my life. I figured that she was really in to me but lacked courage to confront her husband.

 

But during the seventh year, I began growing stronger and I wrongly assumed that the only way to shake her loose was to tell her that I WILL leave her if she's going to stay married. She believed me and said she'll need to go no contact for a while or she'll never break out of the habit that she "gets what she wants" from me without having to divorce her husband. She assured me that the NC thing was "all about us" and it will be brief, and asked that I please keep waiting. Of course, this is what I wanted all along, so of course, I promised to wait. There were only a weekly phone call during the NC thing and I began detecting a strange new distance, and I suspected she just found someone else. I started going crazy.

 

Then about a two months into the NC thing, I busted her with her new boyfriend. Her reaction was - no communication, cold and hard when I called, and then a hang up.

 

I later learned that she got pregnant with the new guy and subsequently lost the baby.

 

Then I learned that her husband filed for a divorce, a few months ago. He is devastated. He's a mess emotionally, pretty much a broken man. I don't think he knows about the new guy or the brief pregnancy, but I know he suspects me.

 

So now she's finally free, and I waited for seven years. But she's going with the other guy now and not me.

 

My shrink has repeatedly tried to get me to see that there is something WRONG with me that I would stay in a seven year relationship with a married woman, knowing all along that it was not healthy. In other words, sort of a loser! But the doc is too nice to put it just that way.

 

But a loser is what I have been. I trusted her and believed all her sh*t.

 

I waited and waited and even made some major changes in my life, with huge decisions, all about "us" rather than for myself.

 

My heart is broken. I've never felt pain like this in my life. It's been 5 months of pain so far and not even beginning to let up yet. I know it will though, eventually.

 

My lesson is obvious and I know I don't have to spell it out for you.

I took my chances by being the OM. I gambled on loving her and but she shot me down.

 

She is cold, and hard and thoroughly able to take what she wants without any apparent concern over what damage or pain she causes. She's ruthless. I was very guilty the same way though wasn't I? I was willing to be part of her husband's devastation.

 

I have no one to blame but myself.

 

I played the OM, and I'm paying for it now.

Edited March 17, 2008 by Cagney

[GreenEyedLady]

Would you feel differently if she hadn't been married?

 

I think you're beating yourself up unnecessarily...You made a mistake, now learn from it...

 

Cloaking yourself in self-loathing will not help you...

[whichwayisup]

I feel for your pain. Seems you and Stampdaddy are going through almost the exact same thing.

 

I agree with GEL, beating up on yourself is not helping, all that will do is make you feel worse.

 

Continue with counselling, and just try to get through this day to day...

[OpenBook]

Nope, you're not a loser. You loved and lost. Huge difference. Welcome to the human race. And I seriously doubt your "Doc" thinks you're a loser. He/She is probably just trying to get you to see what actually happened, and why. You have some kind of a weakness (gasp!!) that drove you to keep taking the short end of the stick from her for so long. In my own personal opinion, you're way better off without her. It's a blessing in disguise.

 

Everything happens for a reason.

[Lookingforward]

when you could have been in a real relationship with someone who COULD give you their "all"

 

That would piss me off for sure

[Gwyneth]

She is cold, and hard and thoroughly able to take what she wants without any apparent concern over what damage or pain she causes. She's ruthless. I was very guilty the same way though wasn't I? I was willing to be part of her husband's devastation.

 

I have no one to blame but myself.

 

I played the OM, and I'm paying for it now.

 

She certainly is! She has me so angry for you.

 

Listen, yes, you made a mistake, but I was always told to Never have regrets for past mistakes because there was a reason and a good one at the time while I was participating.

 

I'm Always surprised to see on here when the lover has been in the affair for a long time--years. I don't understand that, but it is apparent she led you on, and you loved her, and she was only eating her cake.

 

Think about this...if you two did end up together, she most likely would have cheated on you. No soon after you two were participating in NC, she found herself a new bf and even got herself pregnant. She apparently has some issues, but we aren't here to discuss her problems--we're here to talk about yours and to help you move on.

 

Seven years is a long time--I myself was in a seven year relationship when I was younger. Yes, it takes a Very long time to get over that person, but it will happen. You just need to focus and stay strong and think positively. Trust me...you will find another woman who you will fall in love with for real this time and learn many things about relationships you lacked during the past seven years. I too never thought I would be able to move on from my first love but I did--many times in fact.

 

There is hope for us who are fooled and left behind.

[I'mSoSad]

ive been an om for just a few months and i was so badly hurt i can only imagine what you are going through ... sorry for your pain but it gets better with time trust me on this ... doesnt help to say who didnt deserve what but you definitely deserved better ... hang in there and dont get despondent theres a cloud behind every silver lining but the silver lining is there hahaha ... good luck to you bro !!! oh yeah and listen to whichwayisup and the rest they make lots of sense ... they told me the right thing to do and the way to go about it i didnt listen and now i regret the time wasted and the opportunity lost ... so better luck to you ...

[Cagney]

I feel for your pain. Seems you and Stampdaddy are going through almost the exact same thing.

 

I agree with GEL, beating up on yourself is not helping, all that will do is make you feel worse.

 

Continue with counselling, and just try to get through this day to day...

 

Thanks. To you and GEL ...

 

I will do just that, I'll continue day by day.

It helps to try to think of the potential fun and happiness I can have in the future. I try to focus on that an start planning ... trying to keep my mind off what she did.

[Cagney]

Nope, you're not a loser. You loved and lost. Huge difference. Welcome to the human race. And I seriously doubt your "Doc" thinks you're a loser. He/She is probably just trying to get you to see what actually happened, and why. You have some kind of a weakness (gasp!!) that drove you to keep taking the short end of the stick from her for so long. In my own personal opinion, you're way better off without her. It's a blessing in disguise.

 

Everything happens for a reason.

 

I do have to admit that the doc is making sense to me now. Trying to get me to figure out why I would have "stayed" ... in spite of all the journals that I wrote promising myself that I will break it off.

 

Funny thing ... one of the biggest reasons I stayed, other than I loved being with her, is that I couldn't bring myself to hurt her. But she had no problem doing that to me.

 

But then again, everytime I mentioned leaving her, it was only "negotiating" with her to get her to come and be with me. I never WANTED to leave her.

[Cagney]

Never have regrets for past mistakes ...

 

I think you're right ... regrets ... just another way of being a loser.

A winner can rise above it and move on. And I will!

 

 

Think about this...if you two did end up together, she most likely would have cheated on you.

 

Yes, very likely ... eventually.

 

You just need to focus and stay strong and think positively. Trust me...you will find another woman who you will fall in love with for real this time and learn many things about relationships you lacked during the past seven years. I too never thought I would be able to move on from my first love but I did--many times in fact.

 

Thanks! That's what I'll keep trying to do.

[Cagney]

Now ... I think that anyone in an affair with a married person for any length of time is at serious risk like I was.

 

I've read that "If the married person is really in to you, then he/she will begin the process to divorce fairly soon. If not SOON, then the "odds" are that it will NEVER happen.

 

I was in denial on that point, all along, and making excuses for her.

 

With me she took forever and never did it.

But with the new bf, it was different, the divorce began within months. Even though her husband filed, I'm certain that she had her way of getting him to do it.

 

In other words, she just wasn't really in to me, but lied and made false promises ... just to keep me as a f-buddy (I should be flattered I guess).

But she WAS in to the next guy.

 

Now, looking back, I'd say to anyone else who asks:

"If she really loves you, she'll end her marriage ... she'll find a way! Otherwise, if you're in it for love, and she's procrastinating, then you're in trouble."

Edited March 17, 2008 by Cagney

[EnigmaXOXO]

But she WAS in to the next guy.

 

Oh ... I don’t know about all that. Given the very limited capacity in which she invests herself in other people, just how “into” anybody can this person really get? I think you already experienced the ‘best’ of what she had to offer. Sadly, it kinda fell flat when compared to the worst of her.

 

And none of you guys are any better than the next. All three of you men were just Mr. Right-For-Now. Except maybe her husband was the bigger man ‘cause he managed to stay married to the twit without wanting to kill her. So much for the “Mr. Abusive” bullcrap she was feeding you for sympathy ... eh?

 

From here on out, try to stay away from mental chicks Cagney. It doesn’t take a PHD to figure out they’re hazardous to your health. Plus, I think you’re old enough to know better by now.

[MimiMe]

Read "The Secret". Hey put it this way... you could have been her H instead of the OM, and she may have done it too.

Next time make sure you are not second best to your partner and any other numba but NUMERO UNO!

 

You live and you learn...

 

God luck and wish you strenght.

[nadiaj2727]

Thanks for sharing your story, it sounds like you've learned your lesson and you have realized that you've made some mistakes and you're moving on. I think regretting something is different than taking personal responsibility for your actions and deciding to become a better person. It sounds like you are doing some good self-reflection and being honest with yourself and trying to help others not get caught up in the same bad situation. Good for you. Best wishes.

[Lookingforward]

I feel for your pain. Seems you and Stampdaddy are going through almost the exact same thing.

 

 

Yup, two good men taken off the market by cake eaters - go figure

[Cagney]

Oh ... I don’t know about all that. Given the very limited capacity in which she invests herself in other people, just how “into” anybody can this person really get? I think you already experienced the ‘best’ of what she had to offer. Sadly, it kinda fell flat when compared to the worst of her.

 

And none of you guys are any better than the next. All three of you men were just Mr. Right-For-Now. Except maybe her husband was the bigger man ‘cause he managed to stay married to the twit without wanting to kill her. So much for the “Mr. Abusive” bullcrap she was feeding you for sympathy ... eh?

 

From here on out, try to stay away from mental chicks Cagney. It doesn’t take a PHD to figure out they’re hazardous to your health. Plus, I think you’re old enough to know better by now.

 

OK ... that makes sense.

And yes, she's very disturbed ... something else that really makes me start looking deep inside myself. Why I didn't run from that! She tried (constantly) for the seven years to get me to get her pregnant. I know it was her chicken way of forcing the divorce from her husband, while getting a baby that she always wanted. But I wouldn't do it. I very much would have loved to have a baby with her, but not that way!

 

But the next guy sure went for it! Do you know what all they guys in my neighborhood would call him for knocking her up? A real dumb f*ck!

 

Don't get me wrong, I can understand his temptation. After all, when a beaututiful girl wraps herself around a guy during love making and whispers in his ear, "put a baby in me!" ... it's almost enough to make a guy believe that she really loves him.

 

She played me like a fiddle ... no one ever will again.

I won't let this make me bitter though.

I've got a lot to give and and I'll find a girl who will do the same.

[Cagney]

Read "The Secret".

 

I appreciate that! I read it last night, and I think I've got the point from the book. That would be this:

 

Concentrate on all the positive aspects, and what I'm going to actually DO now. There are a lot of cool things to think about.

 

And avoid meditating on the negative.

 

Sort of like:

Do NOT think, "Oh dear ... I don't want to FAIL" (which will cause failure)

But DO think, "I will succeed." (then you'll succeed)

 

Energy flows where attention goes!

[Cagney]

Plus, I think you’re old enough to know better by now.

 

Yeah! Now I think I understand what my Grampa meant when he used to say, "I wish I knew then what I know now!"

 

All these years I though he was talking about wisdom, or something like that!"

 

But now I think Grampa was talking about chicks! But he couldn't tell me that without pi$$ing off Gramma.

[Cagney]

I must admit though, I'm still fighting off some reall bad negative thinking.

 

I'd like to call her, and really onload.

I'd like to call the husband and ask, "Do you WANT to know the whole truth?"

 

I won't do either

 

But last night I fantasized:

 

Begin Fantasy:

I ran in to her and the new BF sitting at a dinner table at a local jazz club. I'm with a new date of my own. I see them at the table and say to my date, "come with me for a second, I gotta' do a thing here". I walk up to her and say "Hey, what's up?" And throw a full glass of red wine in her face and all over her pretty white top. Then I lean towards the BF and say, "If you stay in your seat, I won't hurt you!"

 

Then when he nod's an OK and stays seated, I say to her, "That's nice, BOTH of you are cowards!"

 

Then I grab my date to walk away and she asks, "What was that all about?" And I answer, "Just keep walking baby ... he's gonna get his senses back any moment now ... and he might come and kick my ass! He looks kinda' dumb but he also looks kinda tough!"

End Fantasy: I snapped out of it!

 

OK ... I know this is real bad negative stuff, and I wouldn't really do it ... but do you think it might make for some pretty good screen play?

 

On a more serious note: I am still concerned that her husband might NOT really heal well. These things have turned into serious problems.

Edited March 17, 2008 by Cagney

[EnigmaXOXO]

... but do you think it might make for some pretty good screen play?

 

The whole sappy melodrama has been rehashed so many times over it’s become boring and cliche. Everyone already knows the ending. No more surprises.

 

But if you’re gonna send the manuscript anyway, leave out the part where Mrs. Gang Bang conveniently loses the baby. Too predictable ... even for Desperate Housewives.

[Owl]

Then I lean towards the BF and say, "If you stay in your seat, I won't hurt you!"

 

I'm curious...why are you angry with him? Do you feel betrayed by him, as well as her? Do you think that he's in the wrong for dating her?

[Cagney]

The whole sappy melodrama has been rehashed so many times over it’s become boring and cliche. Everyone already knows the ending. No more surprises.

 

But if you’re gonna send the manuscript anyway, leave out the part where Mrs. Gang Bang conveniently loses the baby. Too predictable ... even for Desperate Housewives.

 

Oh alright! It was just a thought!

[Cagney]

I'm curious...why are you angry with him? Do you feel betrayed by him, as well as her? Do you think that he's in the wrong for dating her?

 

Oh no! I'm not angry with him. I just think that any young man is a little dumb to get a girl pregnant, he's not married to her, she's married to another man, etc etc. But that's another story.

 

And the fantasy part??? That would have just been a "Jeddi Knight" trick (works on a weak mind) to keep the dummy in his seat long enough to make my exit.

[Owl]

Gotta say that your response definitely got a chuckle outta me!

 

The negative thinking is NO surprise at all, my friend. Regardless of the "how" you got to where you are, the bottomline is that you're hurt after all that went on. You loved her, and she not only betrayed her H, but you as well.

 

I know well the "fantasies" of wanting to deal with someone who's participated in hurting you. I used to have those same "fantasies" of OM showing up on my doorstep sometime.

 

Hang in there, man. Given time, and effort put into 'moving on'...things can get better!

[twice_shy]

Thanks. To you and GEL ...

 

I will do just that, I'll continue day by day.

It helps to try to think of the potential fun and happiness I can have in the future. I try to focus on that an start planning ... trying to keep my mind off what she did.

 

So you are going to go after single women from now on, right?