Love yourself first.....right?

[Pacman]

I am a insecure person, very insecure. I have low self-esteem and low self-confidence.

I am trying to love myself, infact its been two darn years of me trying but i just can't seem to get the formula right. (I am a guy) I need some advice because I just don't know what to do at this point

 

Problems that i deal with:

1) I have a great personality, but my friends also have a great personality AND the looks. Whenever im interested in a girl i always think to myself "Once she meets my friends why would she want to date me? They have both the looks and the personality" Its happened 3 times now. She takes interest in me and meets my friends and then out of nowhere thats all i hear "So and So is hot or He is so good looking" Or at a party the girl im interested in starts flirting with my friends and im left all alone. Any advice on this one?

 

2) Whenever i see the girl i like talk to someone else i can't help but get jealous. I can't help but feel "Well she found a better guy, why would she want me?" Which causes me to just shut down. I really don't like this feeling and i want to improve on this

 

3) I hate how i look. Plain and simple

 

I've been hitting the gym and gained some muscles, I started to take up a boxing class, approached random girls even though i get rejected, held my back straight and smiled at everyone.

 

Yet everynight at 1am i still lay in bed wide awake hating myself.

 

Can i get some advice or suggestion? I want to be a better person, a person that doesn't need to feel that i have prove myself to anyone but myself

[kalashnikov]

well.. what caused this? something must happen for you to be like this

[Pacman]

well.. what caused this? something must happen for you to be like this

 

i wish i knew what happened to me. I am a small guy and i always feel inferior.

 

Anyone else go through this?

[Pacman]

wow i think i might have inferiority complex

[blind_otter]

My exH was like this, he was not very tall and had a LOT of self-esteem issues. I tried to help him with them, I encouraged him, I always told him how sexy he was...none of it worked. And it was exhausting to always be reassuring him, one person cannot supply the self esteem for two people.

 

Pacman, I would suggest individual counseling to directly address your low self esteem. Then, after you have wrestled with that, you can consider pursuing a relationship with someone. Until you conquer that demon, even if you do get into a relationship it will be difficult to make progress.

[Storyrider]

What are your gifts? What were you put on this earth to do? What can you do or "get" because of your unique perspective, that nobody else can? What is different about your story? That is where your esteem should come from.

 

Why rely on your looks for esteem when you have other points that are stronger?You're not some airhead, are you? What if Woody Allen, or John Candy, or Stephen King had let their looks hold them back? Have you ever seen Stephen King? Now that is a scary sight. Lol.

[Crestfallen_KH]

There must be something that happened in your childhood that continues to affect your self-esteem. Basically, when someone doesn't like him/herself, the person has just taken over and is repeating the script he/she heard coming from someone else growing up - usually a parent.

 

Honestly, dating should be the last priority for you right now. You're not going to attract a confident, quality woman right now thinking the way you do.

 

Therapy can be a good way to help you find the root of your self-esteem issues. A qualified therapist can also help give you some tools and ideas that you can use to help improve your self-esteem. Once you know why you don't like yourself then, and only then, can you really do anything about it. Trying to tell yourself you believe something when you don't, or that you should do something cosmetically only works in the short term (as I'm sure you've realized).

 

Good luck. blind otter is right in that someone else can't GIVE you self-esteem and it's so very tiring to be in that dynamic. You're setting yourself up for an unhappy relationship until you figure out the root of your own issues.

Edited March 17, 2008 by Crestfallen_KH
Clarity

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree with the last poster.

 

 

A few things:

 

Hold off on the dating until you are comfortable with being by yourself. I mean get so comfortable you can honestly say I like spending time by myself, it's fun.

 

Accept the fact that there is always going to be someone out the who's more competitive, better looking, and wittier than you, it's not always bad when you lose to someone else just keep trying. Build your competitive edge around your personality, and most of all your friends.

 

Build your strengths, find a hobby and get really good at it. Looks are not your enemy with women, they feed on confident men and believe me they can spot confidence very well. (BTW the working out is a good start)

 

Once you master your own happiness and spirit, try going out to meet someone and make sure you are the best looking (or at least some upper hand) in the crowd. When you in groups of friend, it pays to be the good looking one and/or have a great personality.

 

Be careful, because you can try to hard and women notice that more than anything. A good approach is maybe crack some pun or joke around them, glance at them once in a while and give the a sort of innocent flirty smile. Make sure you look them in the eye, but don't stare at the too much. Learn how to engage conversation without sounding like a jerk, a Mr. Know-it-all, or a complainer. Be careful with the cheesy lines, just you subtle compliments like "You look really nice" or "That's a really cool shirt your wearing", you something along those lines.

 

I think you will be okay, the main thing is to embrace yourself first, then everything else will fall into place.

 

Cheers and good luck!

[whichwayisup]

You don't need to become a better person, you ARE that person now. All you need is some self confidence, and learn to love yourself.

 

There are little things you can do daily. I know it sounds silly but it can work, if you're willing to try and believe in YOU.

 

Write out 5 things you love about YOU.

Write out 5 accomplishments you've achieved.

 

Ask your closest friends and family to write 5 things THEY like about you.

 

Gather notes, photo copy them and stick them throughout your house. In your room, on the bathroom mirror, to the front door, in the kitchen....All over the place..This way, you can SEE the positive things people have said about you, and what you've said about yourself.

 

Again, I know it sounds silly, but to start working on your self confidence is important, these steps will make you feel good about you.

 

Maybe think about counselling, to help you feel better, to help you gain the confidence too.

[Rooster_DAR]

One thing that worked for me although it sounds silly, is look in the mirror each day and compliment yourself. Their is evidence support this idea, it seems to work for many people.

[City_girl]

I have a friend who is a guy. When I met him, I thought oohh hes nice. He came to my house to do some stuff for me and I couldn't help thinking how attractive he was. Then he started telling me how short he was. I can honestly say that although I am 5.6 and ws in 3 inch heels the night I met him, I had no idea he was short. then he told me he had a pot belly and ws average looking. You know what, that's what I notice about him now.

 

Dated a guy who I can honestly say is the single most unattractive man who had ever approached me. He thinks he's God's gift because he's well endowed. His nose was so big he couldn't drink a pint without getting it wet, honestly. Suffice to say, after a month all I saw when I looked at him was his beautiful blue eyes lost in this face with it's odd features and crooked smile. I adored him and if he hadn't been 15 yrs my juior I would never have let him go.

 

We teach people how to percieve us on unconcious levels by our body language and how we see ourselves. You have to work on your self perceptiion and not the physical only. we are more than the sum of our physical parts. I am only just realising too, even though I am often told that I am extremely physically attractive, especially for a 42 yr old. I am often told what a nice person I am. I do not percieve myself as such and am aware of my flaws which devalues me in the eyes of the men I meet. The answer is not blindly love yourself or that happy clappy crap, just try to accept yourself and love the bits you love so genuinely that it balances out the bits you don't

[whichwayisup]

Pacman, the other thing is, someone can be absolutely gorgeous, but if they don't have a good personality, they're not going to get very far, especially in a relationship.

 

I bet you're a handsome guy, and once you gain that confidence, you'll be having women chasing you.

[Vero1244]

Coming from a girl, chicks generally like guys who have high egos. Perhaps, it isn't your looks at all but how afriad you are to sharing who you are. People are attracted to stronger and well put together humans. I am positive there is nothing wrong with you other than your lack of comfort in yourself.

 

Now I also have issues with this, so I understand how simple it is to turn down my advice thinking I don't understand. I haven't exactly followed my own help with this, but advice is usually taking from others.

 

P.S. Maybe you shouldn't go and show the girl your interested in to your friends right away.

[Trialbyfire]

Sweetheart, you need to understand that any girl who is drawn to your friends while being out with you, isn't worth a second thought. What you want, is the unpoachable woman. While the male cynics will mock and state that every woman is poachable, guess again. There are enough of us out there, that look inside the man. It doesn't mean we can't enjoy eye candy but then, who takes eye candy seriously?

 

Believe in yourself. You are a composition of abilities. Always play to your strengths, not your weaknesses. Don't demean yourself, when you're talking to someone. It doesn't mean you have to brag or bluster, either. Above all, no false modesty, 'cause that's far more annoying than anything else.

[Pacman]

Guys and Girls thank you for all the help. I love this community

 

You guys are right. A relationship isnt something i should be looking for. I need to get my act together first in order to be fair to my "future" partner. It's just really hard when you are just so attracted to a girl because of her looks and SPECIALLY her personality, i just want to make her mine haha. But i will definately take the advice and just not pursue her and let her have crushes on my friends. I need to work on myself first.

 

I wrote down some of my abilities, skills and my gifts and i just have to say wow. Heres a couple

 

1) I play the drums and violin

2) I am currently training MMA (Mixed Martial Arts)

3) Im in a band

4) I have a big heart

5) I am a funny guy

6) When i set a goal, i make sure to accomplish it

 

Also i want you guys to know that i took all your advice to heart to get rid of my problem (Inferiortiy complex)|

 

P.S Trialbyfire what do you mean by false modesty?

Edited March 18, 2008 by Pacman

[Trialbyfire]

Hey, cool list of things you can do. So...tell me why you don't believe in yourself again? Be patient and find the right girl for you.

 

As for false modesty, you see it all the time. People pretend to be modest, to draw compliments or validation.

 

Compliment: Hey, you're excellent on the drums!

Display of false modesty: Nah, I suck. (While deep inside, yeah, I was hot tonight.)

 

Of course this will draw more compliments. Instead of displaying false modesty, what is preferable is:

 

"Thanks. I love playing the drums and had a decent night, tonight."

[Ariadne]

What are your gifts? What were you put on this earth to do? What can you do or "get" because of your unique perspective, that nobody else can? What is different about your story? That is where your esteem should come from.

 

Why rely on your looks for esteem when you have other points that are stronger?You're not some airhead, are you? What if Woody Allen, or John Candy, or Stephen King had let their looks hold them back? Have you ever seen Stephen King? Now that is a scary sight. Lol.

 

Honestly,

 

Your post freaked me out.

 

Is like, you can get to be ugly and praised. See? Stephen King is ugly.

 

OMG! So you can get by by being ugly, as long as have a talent of the caliber of Stephen King?

 

Is like, well, I have no talents whatsoever, I'm just a normal person. I guess I'll just suck.

[Pacman]

IM back guys

 

So far ive been doing well and not trying to compare myself to others. And telling myself i am awesome in the morning in front of the mirror. I actually got called hot today and i took trialbyfire's advice, instead of saying "No im not" I said "Thanks" and smiled.

but quick question.

 

It hasn't happened yet but when it does i want to be prepared.

 

How do i deal with a girl saying that i have hot friends or people calling me skinny or im little or weak?

[Trialbyfire]

How do i deal with a girl saying that i have hot friends or people calling me skinny or im little or weak?

Don't take any of that stuff personally. If anything, it's a great time to turn it around on them by making light of it, unless it's a continuous barrage by the same person. If so, shut it down by telling them to back off.

 

As for making it a joke, if someone tells you that you have hot friends, you frown at them in a non-serious way and say "What am I, a bucket of [insert descriptive word]?), which of course will draw a compliment.

 

If a guy belittles you about being weak or little, it's typical guy one-upmanship. No one is perfect. Find a flaw they have and give it right back.

 

Any girl who would belittle you like that, is probably a girl who you don't want to know. Ignore her and wander off.

[Storyrider]

Honestly,

 

Your post freaked me out.

 

Is like, you can get to be ugly and praised. See? Stephen King is ugly.

 

OMG! So you can get by by being ugly, as long as have a talent of the caliber of Stephen King?

 

Is like, well, I have no talents whatsoever, I'm just a normal person. I guess I'll just suck.

 

That isn't what I meant at all, Ariadne. All I'm saying is, everone has a gift or ability, at least one. That is where your esteem should come from. You don't have to be famous to do this. Ariadne, you have lots of gifts that I'm aware of. And you're cute.

 

I was being kind of tongue-in-cheek about Stephen King. But my point was, what if his self-talk was, "I hate myself because I'm not conventionally attractive, therefore I'll never amount to anything." It could have been self-fulfilling. Besides, to some people it would be sexy as hell to sleep with Stephen King. It has nothing to do with what he looks like.

[Ariadne]

That isn't what I meant at all, Ariadne. All I'm saying is, everone has a gift or ability, at least one. That is where your esteem should come from. You don't have to be famous to do this. Ariadne, you have lots of gifts that I'm aware of. And you're cute.

 

I was being kind of tongue-in-cheek about Stephen King. But my point was, what if his self-talk was, "I hate myself because I'm not conventionally attractive, therefore I'll never amount to anything." It could have been self-fulfilling. Besides, to some people it would be sexy as hell to sleep with Stephen King. It has nothing to do with what he looks like.

 

Hey,

 

I know what you were trying to say. But the truth is that people are pretty average for the most part.

 

And the few things that they are good at are things that are pretty average too. Say, I'm nice, I can sing in tune, and I can be caring to my friends.

 

Stephen King is good not because he tried hard and didn't let his "looks" stop him, but because he's pretty much out of this world.

[Storyrider]

Hey,

 

I know what you were trying to say. But the truth is that people are pretty average for the most part.

 

And the few things that they are good at are things that are pretty average too. Say, I'm nice, I can sing in tune, and I can be caring to my friends.

 

Stephen King is good not because he tried hard and didn't let his "looks" stop him, but because he's pretty much out of this world.

Stephen King worked his arse off.

 

And I don't think you could find a single poster on here who would describe you as average, Ariadne.

[Ariadne]

Stephen King worked his arse off.

 

And I don't think you could find a single poster on here who would describe you as average, Ariadne.

 

Stephen King...

 

When asked why he writes, King responds: "The answer to that is fairly simple – there was nothing else I was made to do. I was made to write stories and I love to write stories. That's why I do it. I really can't imagine doing anything else and I can't imagine not doing what I do."

 

It's a gift. But I'm sure he worked at it too.

 

I think I'm pretty average. But I was talking in general.

[KidEternity]

Guys and Girls thank you for all the help. I love this community

 

You guys are right. A relationship isnt something i should be looking for. I need to get my act together first in order to be fair to my "future" partner. It's just really hard when you are just so attracted to a girl because of her looks and SPECIALLY her personality, i just want to make her mine haha. But i will definately take the advice and just not pursue her and let her have crushes on my friends. I need to work on myself first.

 

I wrote down some of my abilities, skills and my gifts and i just have to say wow. Heres a couple

 

1) I play the drums and violin

2) I am currently training MMA (Mixed Martial Arts)

3) Im in a band

4) I have a big heart

5) I am a funny guy

6) When i set a goal, i make sure to accomplish it

 

Also i want you guys to know that i took all your advice to heart to get rid of my problem (Inferiortiy complex)|

 

P.S Trialbyfire what do you mean by false modesty?

 

Thats good stuff man, I always found that talking to yourself in the mirror (even though weird) is a good way to go, just counteract any negative thought in your head with a positive one. Try not to let anyone bring you down, because a lot of people out there actually enjoy hurting people! Try not to take anything to heart and just let all those hateful comments slide and you'll be fine!

 

I kinda had a similar problem but unfortuneatly I set myself back because I went out with this girl and became kinda dependent on her and it screwed my head up even more mainly because she was just as insecure as me!

 

For 6 months after I think I only left my house to go to school, I just played guitar and wrote songs and listened to music and I think dedicating yourself to something like a hobby or your band is really helpful as it can validate your life and you can draw loads of positives from it