anxiety out of left field

[mface]

I met this man. Fell in love. Because my last relationship ended badly, I did not say anything until I felt like I was ready, even though I was sure I was in love. In fact, I kept daydreaming about the moment he would tell me he was in love, too. He started hinting he was going to say it soon in late Jan. He even sought the approval of my parents to date me seriously and when my mother told me, I was absolutely euphoric.

 

And finally in the beginning of Feb, we both said "I love you." In fact, he took it one step further and added, "And I'd like to marry you some day." At the time, I actually could picture my heart fluttering away on little wings--yeah, I'm visual. I know.

 

But then a week later, I was telling everything to my best friend, but instead of feeling the return of the euphoria, like I expected, I felt this odd, dark feeling. The more I talked about him, the feeling would lift, but as soon as I stopped, the strange depression would come back. It worried me, because I couldn't make sense of it. Nothing about him had turned me off, but it was as if I couldn't access the same feeling as before. But still, in my mind, I knew nothing had changed. At the time, I thought I was just exhausted, because I really hadn't slept for days due to several papers I had to write.

 

I'll add here that I have a problem with anxiety and obsessive thinking. I'm very well aware of it and it's not so bad that I need to take meds--I tried a few of them and they only made me worse, actually--and most of the time I feel just fine now. But I began worrying that, out of nowhere, I was falling out of love. The idea devastated me. I didn't understand how someone could go from being absolutely sure they had found their soulmate--after A LOT of searching--to experiencing this dire need to escape, seemingly overnight. And I couldn't ignore the thought. I've talked to friends and family, and they all pretty much say the same thing: "You're just scared of the relationship being so serious. It has nothing to do with him." or "This happened to a friend of mine and it went away and now they are fine."

 

So, my mind keeps throwing all kinds of strange fears at me. Like, "You have nothing in common." But I know it isn't true. I've never connected more with someone on just personality/interests alone. Sometimes it's like we're sharing a brain, the things we say. Or, "Relationships always fall apart and there is no such thing as everlasting romance and happiness." When I KNOW that is a stupid thought, because lots of relationships work out great. Or, "You just wanted the fairytale, not him." But everything about him is everything I've ever searched for. I mean, of course no one is perfect. That's not what I mean. I just mean that everything I learned about him just seemed to confirm more and more that he was "The One" for me. Or, "You've eventually fail and disappoint everyone." This one I can't shake at all and it's the one I've come to accept as the true fear.

 

I don't think I realized just how much fear I have about relationships. I don't know where it comes from, as my parents have been married for 30 years and I've never even had to live through a friend's or family member's divorce.

 

So, I talked to my boyfriend and he has been VERY good about it. Amazing, actually. He's never put any pressure on me, I do it all to myself. He believes that this will pass and I'll be fine once again, and that's what I want more than anything. I still daydream about him all day and wait for his calls and pick up little gifts I think he might like. But now there's just this deep darkness about it all. It makes no sense.

 

Only a couple of times, the darkness has lifted and the good feelings have returned. It seems like if I can shake the anxiety, what takes it's place is a very normal, comfortable feeling. But then I give the fear an inch and I'm at it's mercy. Like, since Thursday, I started to slowly feel better, even euphoric. I talked to a friend of mine about how serious things were getting and I actually felt very deeply happy over it.

 

This is how random it is: But then I talked to my boyfriend on the phone and told him about this horrible cold I have. He advised me to drink tea with lemon. And I got this random thought about what a cliche that was and it upset me for no reason. And now I'm back in the depression.

 

I'm crazy, right?

 

I know I love him. All the same fantasies about marriage and children keep coming to me, but it's like my mind keeps blocking that happy euphoric feeling for some reason. It's like all the facts are out there, pointing me in a very obvious direction towards him, but the feelings I'm getting no longer match reality.

 

Has anyone ever experienced this?

 

Haha, and if anyone out there just thinks I need depression meds, maybe I do, but I'm not willing to take them again. I'd rather overcome whatever this is through natural means. Namely, by solving the problem.

 

Because I've dated and fallen in love before. And fallen out of love. And I didn't give a hoot about the guy in the end. I would come to the conclusion that he wasn't for me and on onward with my life. But my current boyfriend--jeez, I know he's all I've ever wanted--why is this happening to me?

[vander]

I think I can relate. Sometimes I feel a "sense of impending doom" when something good happens.

 

For me, I'm accustomed to things not working out the way I want them to. When something good happens, I'm afraid it will be taken away. Sometimes I'm afraid to be happy because I know how much it will hurt when it's gone.

 

When my fiancé proposed last December, I was so happy -- but the sense of impending doom invaded. I was happy that we got engaged, but I was afraid we'd never get married. Then when I was assured we would get married, I was concerned that he wanted to wait a whole year before getting married. Then when I felt better about that, I had other fears, one right after another.

 

But all those fears boiled down to the fact that I was afraid that something was going to be taken away from me. When I would obsess over a fear, it got bigger and seemed more real. I'd get more upset until everything blew up. Then I'd feel stupid for getting so upset. It works in a cycle like that for me.

 

I just have to look at it in a more philosophical/spiritual way -- I need to be content with having nothing and being alone. When I can decide that I'm truly happy with that, then the thought of losing something isn't so bad anymore. I don't panic or obsess. I know that if it doesn't work out, I'm still okay.

 

I hope this helps, sorry if it doesn't ...

[mface]

it's good to see that i'm not the only one who had this happen to them. and i know i need to improve my love of self, etc. i just really want to believe that eventually this depression will lift and everything will go back to normal.